David's journal

1Kdavid

Member
Been reading for awhile, time to start posting.  I'm 42 and been PMO for 24 yrs.  it has ruined one marriage in hindsight.  I am now with my dream woman and its threatening to ruin that too.  When I don't see her for a few days, my PMO trigger kicks in and sets me back.  She's been patient, allowing me time to regain my sexual energy.  I've had the best sex of my life with her and she's said at times it's been the best she's ever had.  Other times I can't get it up, I cum quick or go soft inside of her.  Leaves her pissed and me depressed, ashamed, angry at myself.  It also causes performance anxiety so the next time my troubles kinda snowball.  Then one day I got the freaking magic stick and can last as long as a porn star, hard as rock til I bust.  I'm now 12 days away from PMO.  Kinda in a flatline honestly.  Had troubles again the last few times and she's questioning the relationship I guess.  I'll be crushed if she leaves me.  But I can only blame myself.  So I'm now putting forth a determined effort to rid my life of this plague.  The best I e ever done was 44 days PMO free and it felt great.  I probably won't journal here daily.  Just once a week or so.  But I will update my progress for myself and for the benefit of any others who may be reading.  Since last week and my recent sexual failures I've been an emotional wreck.  Suicidal, angry, depressed, loss of concentration...all the typical symptoms.  If I think of losing her I get anxious and desperate so I try to calm myself and put it out of my mind.  When I get my "mojo" back this time, I will not squander my energy.  For her and I, it's now or never.  I won't blow another opportunity. 
 
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djdevilct

Guest
Hey David, thanks for sharing your story. If you've been reading other journals I'm sure you've discovered you're not alone in your situation.

I can't tell from what you wrote if you've shared with her what you're going thru. An overwhelming majority of guys report having better success when they tell their partner about their journey. It helps keep the expectations in line and lower the pressure to perform. And she'll know that it's you going thru something as opposed to her thinking it's something she's doing wrong. Just something for you to consider if you're concerned about her actually leaving.

Good luck, man! ..And don't worry about performing like a porn star. That's not real life.
 

1Kdavid

Member
Ok, time to log some thoughts.  No PMO so that's good.  Im frustrated though.  My libido is up and down and it's frustrating.  My lady is patient.  Even though I explained some things to her, she doesn't see how PMO can damage response to a woman.  She M's all the time. Her sex drive is unaffected.  So she is in, and being patient, but wants a resolution.  I'm gonna see about cialis for short term.  At day 16 though, it feels like my libido is in freaking reverse.  I'm trying not to freak out.  I'm in great physical shape.  No issues there.  Just want my member to stand up like he used to.  Another good thing along with my lady's patience is my life plan.  Starting back to school this summer and I'm excited. All registered and set to go.  I'm also meditating daily.  Even if just 5-10 minutes to calm myself.  I realize now that PMO is a means of coping.  It has nothing to do with sexual desire.  My aim is to be present in each situation I'm in and be the very best I can be.  I have a tendency to a lot of pressure on myself and sex is no different.  But when you get suicidal about an erection, something is wrong with your coping mechanisms.  That is utterly ridiculous.  It seems to be working so I'm going to continue it.  My goal is to be powerful.  Spiritually, emotionally, physically and that includes sexually.  I am on my way.  I will not give in because that person I used to be doesn't exist anymore. 
 

sodonewithit

Active Member
While I can't tell you when it will come back strong I'm 46 days in and confident it works.  I'm glad to hear those negative thiughts are going  away as I can fully relate to it.  I haven't tried the pills and can't comment except that they aren't needed bere so I wonder if they are reallh needed with you.  Still I look forward to your next post and stick with it.
 

1Kdavid

Member
They probably aren't if I was patient.  I guess I'm looking for an immediate confidence builder while building the tools I need to be independent from them at the same time.  We will see.  I'm not out to add days to my counter but to journal a new lifestyle.  This forum is like my training wheels until I'm balanced emotionally to go on my own.  I look at the pills in the same light.
 

1Kdavid

Member
I drove by an adult bookstore on the way home from work.  Doors wide open.  Cars parked out front, sides, back.  I thought...how sad. It's a beautiful spring night.  Restaurants and bars are packed with women looking for at least a conversation.  It's a little warmer so clothing at least starts to get sexy/skimpy. How many men across America are in one of those places?  Or sitting in a bathroom at home hiding from their family/wife/girlfriend/or society in general spending hours whacking off to porn?  It's very, very sad.  I've lost a wife to this.  I won't waste another minute doing that garbage.  This leads to another thought of mine.  My new resolve to become better is to quit both PMO and the habit of procrastination in general.  I'm always running behind.  On time, but running behind.  For fun stuff, I'm late.  On assignments, I'm late.  For paying bills, I'm late.  Had the money, just put it off.  It occurred to me that PMO is the epitome of procrastination.  By loose definition, procrastination is doing something less important while the more important things are waiting.  Honestly, freaking everything is more important than PMO. And I don't have that kinda time to waste.  Got bills to pay, assignments to complete, a girlfriend to please, kids to raise, and sleep to get.  No more PMO and no more procrastination.
 

sodonewithit

Active Member
It's amazing the change that happens from dropping this habit.  Eyes just become more tuned into living, lime hearing birds sing for the first time.
 

ready2go

Active Member
I can address the suicidal bit.  Your brain has been flooded with pleasure sauce, dopamine, for as long as you can remember, due to all that porn.  The amount you were doing, how long, whether edging for hours and hours isn't clear to me, but whether that or something different, that pleasure chemical maxed out, and stayed there.

So take that away.  There is nothing in your brain which speaks of pleasure. 

Nothing but problems, troubles, no fun, no pleasure.  There must be something wrong with me.  I had better kill myself.

Something like that, right?  I'm not trying to minimize it, I've just come off one of those, and I have never been prone to a depression in my whole life.  So I'm hearing from the stories of others here, it is not to be unexpected.  The main thing to know is it is temporary, and it does pass.  There are some things you can do to make it easier to manage and to keep the darkness away some.  One is exercise, the other, unless you have a reason not to, is heavy doses of fish oil.  Google it.  Know what you're taking before you take it, but if it sounds right, try it.  I found it to be a life saver, literally.

Then, when it passes and it's gone - that's it.  It's gone.  But you'll have found a lot of shit that needs addressing and you'll be addressing it and getting it done.  Dude I can completely identify with the procrastination.  A partner can help you around some of that shit. 

I'm goad to see you're right on the normal path the rest of us have been on.  Nothing unusual or unique about what you've said, but, it is scary, no question.  Don't give in to that piece.  Fight back.  Come here, for example.  Glad you're here!
R2G

 

1Kdavid

Member
Yeah ready2go, that makes sense.  I am an addict.  I can edge for 4, 6, 8 hrs when possible.  I can go on binges for weeks at a time where I PMO 2-3 times a day, edging as far as I can each time. I'm starting to feel better emotionally.  I do workout like 3-4 days a week.  I do it all, little crossfit, HIIT, wt training, running.  I'm 42 but built like an NFL wide receiver.  Not exaggerating either.  Take cod liver oil as well along with a few other supplements.  I sometimes refer to going to the gym as my drug of choice.  The endorphins I get from lifting at times I feel have kept me from going insane.  I survived last night.  I had several hours to spare before I picked up the girlfriend from work.  Usually, whether I anticipated sex or not, I would still PMO.  Then I would hope she wouldn't want sex, sweat bullets if she did want it wondering if I could get it up or not.  Sometimes I shocked myself and did great.  Other times in the past I was a limp noodle.  Or I would just fake sick with my ex wife.  That won't work with this girl though cause she just wants it.  So I am being forced to be on my game or risk losing her.  I'll have that same 4 hrs downtime tonight to.  I'm headed in the gym now, have some paperwork. Last night I prayed intently for about 15 minutes and that worked.  If I don't do that tonight, I'll practice some other form of meditation.  Whatever I do, I will stay clean.  G'day fellas...
 

1Kdavid

Member
Quote--Compulsion (PMO) for me was a drug that I turned toward to escape from pain, hurt and stress. This book teaches us that compulsions are not negative impulses that can be controlled. Instead, compulsion is the surface of an iceberg of pain. By meeting our pain with love and acceptance, the compulsions can be turned into a signal that alerts us to the ice below that needs healing and attention.
A key concept is that we treat ourselves unkindly by trying to control compulsions and that the act of controlling actually hides the wisdom that compulsions impart. It is in meeting compulsions with awareness, curiosity and acceptance that we open up to what they have to teach us; and in this opening, they reveal to us a way out. Pain seems scary at first but is really more like a whimpering puppy rather than the monster I was avoiding. I've learned to accept the pain and realize it is just a passing emotion that softens when I meet it with curious acceptance. At first it seems to pull you out like a tornado but eventually in meeting and accepting it, you learn not to get lost in the emotion. In this process, I saw the root causes for my thought-pattern. I saw the mechanics of the thing that was driving me as it was happening. No amount of self-control or self-analysis could be worth that one insight. I am not out of the woods yet but I now have an approach that's really who I am.--end quote.

Above is a quote from a journal I read on some rebooting site.  This is probably one of the realist things I've read about PMO addiction.  It helps me understand the need to understand my pain.  Don't just give in to a compulsive act that masks it.  Before I PMO, I have been stopping myself and asking, "why do I want to do this right now?"  Examine my emotional state, what happened that day, what's going on in my life and attempt to understand why I compulsively reach for a fantasy world for escape.  Stopping and meditating in this way calms my desire greatly.  As the person above said, I can look at myself objectively and realize I have much more to gain without PMO.  Today will be 21 days for me.  Three weeks.  I'm not bragging, just happy to be in this space right now regarding my addiction and looking forward to the day when I can look back and this part of my life is like a tiny pinprick that I can barely discern.  Have a great day all.
 
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notgivinup

Guest
1Kdavid....just read your journal. Great stuff. I'm glad you're here, posting.

thanks for what you wrote last about facing the pain...someone else on here said, the battle really is all above the belt. About what's going on in our heads and our hears (emotions). I believe it.

I was 69 days pmo free since the end of Jan, and had a few days of struggle, and reset about a week ago.

I'm glad I read your journal today...glad you're here.

Thanks.
NGU
pmo is NOT an option
 

1Kdavid

Member
Had to reset.  I'm disappointed but not angry or depressed.  Just ready to get back to the business of being my absolute best.  I look forward to my day being a lot more productive than yesterday as I reinforce good mental habits.  I stand now, and I will continue to stand.
 

1Kdavid

Member
To notgivinup---thanks for the welcome and encouragement.  I'm glad to know you.  Yeah, to me that quote is profound.  Stop, look at why I'm engaging in this compulsive act, figure out the source of the real pain, then deal with that issue.  PMO is a symptom, not the main problem. At least for me I feel.  So my goal is to heal my real pain and the desire for PMO will greatly diminish, if not, go away.  Still have a few kinks as u can see.  But Ima beat this thing.  PMO is a huge problem, a drug addiction with a drug that we produce within ourselves and for free!!!  What the hell!  It's a big issue to deal with, but we will win. 
 

1Kdavid

Member
K, I made it through my lunch break.  I've got brain fog right now.  A mild case but I don't want to underestimate it.  I'm also dealing with recent porn flashbacks from yesterday.  I'm going to have to deal with it by talking it out.  I read on this site during lunch instead of retreating into an empty dark room and PMO.  This is a victory.  It's important that I recognize it as such.  When you take little victories for granted it's easy to give up. My long term goal right now is one week with no PMO.  My short term goal is 24 hrs.  If I wake up tomorrow with today having been a perfect day, that will be a huge boost going into Sunday.  I will be reporting my feelings here so I can go back and read my struggle.  I want the struggle to encourage me and warn me against what happens when I start all over.  Ok back to work now.  I can make it until my 3pm break.  Then I will log report to myself so I can get this workday over with no PMO.  And fortunately, my girls period is any day now so no pressure to perform.  Last night I was fortunate she wasn't horny. 
 

1Kdavid

Member
Finishing up my 2:30 break and no PMO.  Another victory.  My next problem period is when I first leave work and get into the car.  I need to be watchful that I don't allow the revived urges to lead me to porn which leads to PMO.  A quick observation...since I'm not coming off of a binge, I am able to recall vividly how much better I feel when not on PMO.  How much more productive my days are, how decisive I am, how my confidence soars and general swag improves.  Since I'm only , day 1/2 away from that, it's all fresh in my memory.  My craving for that person is high.  That's a good thing cause I want it back...and to stay.  For now, back to work.
 

spree

Member
I'm in a very similar circumstance as you right now.  And I can tell you that one thing I'm really believing is that if she hasn't left yet, she's probably into you enough to stay through the reboot.  So that should really relieve the anxiety some once you start believing that.  it has been that way for me anyway.  Good luck!
 
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notgivinup

Guest
hey King David.....thanks for your posts. (oh yea, i know it's not King...but I think of that every time I see your name on here).

So....i know what you're talking about. The fog. I was there not many days ago...and I had to walk away from it all in my mind again. You can do it, too. You are doing it.

You're right...the guy you are when you are not giving yourself to pmo is strong, decisive, and feeling alive and confident. You can't HELP but swagger when you walk. So, keep going. No matter what's going on in your brain or your chest...just keep going the direction away from the pmo.

We are here with you, and cheering you on.

Thanks for your honest posts. You encourage me with your posts.

Looking forward to hearing about your victories.

Thanks.

pmo is NOT an option

NGU
 

1Kdavid

Member
Hey, actually, I got it from the King David in the bible.  He made a lot of mistakes but was still a godly man.  I'm good now.  The fog lifted around 5pm.  It's like I felt it lift.  I felt clearer in the head.  I also felt happy at heart for not giving in to compulsion earlier.  Today was a good day.  Looking forward to winning tomorrow.  Tx for the encouragement again.  Today I stand.  Gnite.
 

1Kdavid

Member
What's up Spree.  Yeah, I'm believing that too. She's probably gonna hang around.  Now,I just have to get my dumb self to not take her for granted.  She deserves a whole man, not just a shell of one.  You would think that I would say...enough!!!  How many more lives will you allow to be affected negatively with your addiction?  But sure thing, it's still here.  Couple of interesting things...I once thought PMO was about my high sex drive and the need for fun sex.  See, my last relationship was sex deprived.  Part of it was my addiction.  Another part was her history of abuse at an early age.  So combine my selfish tendencies with her hesitancy/completely neutral feelings toward sex, it didn't happen very often after the initial few years.  She would rather go to sleep, I would rather wank, it was what it was.  That's over and now I'm in a relationship with a girl who loves sex.  She rarely says no.  I've can do anything I've ever imagined sexually with her and she's down.  She even initiates this crazy stuff and loves it.  Still, here's good old PMO.  I'm like hmmmm, I can have sex as often and in whatever way I want and still????  Let's me know how deep this addiction runs.  It also alerts me to the fact that it's an addiction to dopamine, not sex and I need to treat it as seriously as if I was quitting cigarettes or heroin or weed or whatever.  It's real and it's affect on my life and those around me are not to be taken lightly.  I used to feel so depressed when I PMO'd but would think, "at least it only affects me and no one else."  Yeah right.  This garbage destroyed my family.  Wake up and take this seriously.  Another interesting thing is my girl masturbates.  We can have sex, I get her off, and if I have to leave in the morning and we don't have another round, she'll masturbate.  I'll get a midday text like, "I want it now so I'm gonna masturbate."  Then we will still have sex later that day.  However...when she masturbates sex is different.  I have to last an incredibly long time prior to busting.  Sometimes over an hour.  Switching positions, doing everything until she finally cums.  When she stops masturbating, I can get her off in a few minutes.  She even says that when she doesn't masturbate she gets off quicker and her orgasm is more intense but when she's masturbating she enjoys sex but is greatly desensitized.  Hmmm, not fair.  So a girl can masturbate all day and still have hot sex, cause technically it's just an opening and if shes not as wet u can always lube, but if a man masturbates all day he's got PE, or DE, or PIED???  Not to mention the emotional insecurity that results from all of this???  Just not fair. 
 
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