Tried to quit 1000 times

3 days since PMO.

I'm 46 and was introduced to PMO at a very early age.  I'm the youngest of four boys in my family and have vivid memories of my older brother M-ing in front of me and then showing me how. P was readily available in my house. As young as 6 years old or maybe younger (accuracy is difficult at such a young age) I first started to MO. It quickly became a daily habit, using fantasy and objects to achieve climax. Mags, videotapes, and explicit P-subs were all around me. 

I grew up not knowing anything different. Shame was a part of it but never an overriding factor.  Boys grow up ridiculing that behavior but I never thought of stopping.  In my house, we were raised by my father, a working dad who gave us all the freedom in the world. Many girls would be at my house and I had witnessed sex and was aware of sex again at an early age.

By 4th grade, I was regularly staying home from school to watch VHS tapes all day and binge. I remember it was in middle school when my body began to ejaculate. I had many experiences with both girls and boys in hideout experimenting with touching genitals and kissing Hyper-sexualized was how I lived and the constant compulsion for O was a daily and often multiple times per day habit.

My life has been characterized by a deep sense of unease. Feelings of despair, of unworthiness, and a tense sense that I was never good enough are a constant. I witnessed the use of hard drugs from my brothers as a child and my mother was an alcoholic. I was aware of the dangers and worthlessness of addiction and wanted nothing to do with that type of life. In my early teens, I became straight edge and found refuge in punk rock, hardcore music seeing bands and a very different type of PMO (positive mental outlook) that many of the straight edge bands preached.  I was a vegetarian and deeply pursued spirituality learning to try to meditate and find ways to be of service to god. Seeing the waste and destruction of my brothers strung out on drugs and my mother unable to be a part of my life I had a driving desire to do more and achieve more. This fed into the feelings of unease, but I would push myself to try to go in a positive direction.

As much as I would try my life would seem to fall apart sometimes after years sometimes after months.  Something in me would just snap and I'd lose all control.  I was the first person in my family to go to college but I was not able to graduate. In my freshman year of college, I tried drugs for the first time. Being predisposed to addition from my first encounter it was off to the races. The spiral of compulsion to daily use and descent into my hard drugs was very fast  For over 15 years I used drugs daily and my PMO habit was right there all along. 

On May 23 2008 I had trouble with the law (again), lost a job, was in a bitter divorce, and I am the father of a 3-year-old daughter. It was rock bottom for my drug addiction. I was living on my dad's couch and using hard drugs every day and spending so much money on P and prostitutes. On May 25 2008 I used drugs for the last time. Seeking help with NA, a sponsor, spiritual step work, and above all total abstinence from any mood, and mind-altering substance. I have been clean since. If I google how long ago that was it is 4501 days since I last got high. That is 12 years, 3 months, and 26 days clean.

My life has improved significantly since I got clean. I have a family, career, interests and by all accounts, I should be very happy given how fortunate I am. 

The problem is I'm not happy. I feel the effects of dopamine depletion due to excessive PMO. A deep sense of despair, suffering, and unease grips my mind. I'm going through the motions and often dead inside.  Physically I'm not attracted to my wife at all. We have not had sex in years and we are not intimate with each other. My body aches with pain and I have no energy for things that I should love. I'm restless, irritable, and discontent with life.

My PMO has been daily and like the title of this journal I've tried to stop 1000's of times. I can only seem to get about a week before the cravings and sense of need overwhelms me pushing me to consume. 

I've watched the YBOP videos and over this weekend read through the book. I really need to change this time and I am willing to make this change a reality.

I have 3 days since I've PMO last.  Thursday, September 17 was when I PMO last.

I've removed social media that are P-sub triggers and have blocked/removed accounts on the two remaining social media that are thirst trap triggers.  I need a digital detox from my phone---since the reward center fixation of constant browsing, arousal, hits of dopamine is just as much of an issue.  I don't want to lose control. 

My worry is the withdrawal that I know will hit me soon. Boredom at night and being alone when the kids go to sleep and my wife is downstairs are when I lose control. 

I got an accountability partner recently through a google search and now recently found the Reboot nation site.

Writing this post has been helpful. I need to make myself accountable to the life that I want to live. Pathways of overwhelming desire for PMO are deep in my brain. Learning to live a new way of life will take time.  I know what I'm in for with cravings, desire, and withdrawal...I need support and accountability to help me get through.

I?m grateful for this forum and the support that you give to one another here. This darkness and despair have to end for me...I don?t want my mind obsessed with PMO and know that as a father and a human being there is a much better way to live.

I?ve tried to quit 1000 times...all I need to do is stop myself for today. Moment by moment if I have to.

Thank you---

Welcome 3rdPrecept. You have come to a good place.
I was very touched by your post - I'm sure it took bravery to get it down in pixels, but good to read that it was a therapeutic exercise for you.
The one thing the shouts out from your short resume is the fact that you have been successful already in your life at moving on from a significant addiction and have enjoyed long term success. All things being equal, perhaps that journey in itself could have provided you with a toolkit that can be tapped in to and adapted to this particular struggle? I am sure you also have a lot of wisdom to share with us based on your experiences in overcoming addiction, and look forward to having you around.
My advice as a newbie would be to have a read around the other journals - probably focussing on the 40+ section where although some of us are single and some married (I'm the latter), we have much in common in terms of our outlook and priorities, despite coming from various countries, backgrounds etc - there is one unifying theme! The forum feels a little bit quiet at the moment - I'm not sure why, but there are some great guys here - keeping your own journal updated and taking the time to engage with others is a sure fire way of getting up to speed, learning, receiving support and giving it where you are able to. I've found being part of this community transformational in my own struggle - I've still got a long way to go, but am enjoying being on that journey with others rather than locked in my own shameful world of escapism.
Best of luck my friend, and well done on taking this key step today, and of course your 3 days clean! Take care.

Thank you for the reply, it's good to see the forum work.  I've been taking some time to read other journals today and adding posts to provide support.

Getting clean and sober has been such an important part of my life. The addiction to PMO has caused me so much pain and despair.  You are right that the principles and wisdom that comes from recovery can/should apply to quitting PMO. The compulsion and powerlessness feels just like when I could not stop getting high.

I plan to stay close to this forum and learn from all of you.

Thank you again for the reply.

Welcome on board 3rdprecept.

I agree with your closing sentences, take it one day at a time. It's great to have targets, but if I'm honest with you, if I think about not using porn for the rest of my life, the weight of the challenge is just too heavy for me. So, I tell myself that I just have to keep going for 24 hours, which in reality is only about 16-17 hours because I have to sleep.

I've rebooted several times and always relapsed. This is the last time! Every time I've recovered in the past my partner became much more attractive and I really wanted to have sex. Hopefully, this will kick in for you, but obviously you're wife needs to reignite her  passion too.

Anyway, I wish you luck! It's not easy, but you know that anyway. Try to post as often as you can, it helps you and it helps others.

I found in my early recovery in NA I was completely overwhelmed by the idea of "never using again." I remember thinking that anyone with 10 years clean must feel so much pressure. Now that I have 12 years myself I don't think in terms of milestones or anniversaries....it's all about today.  Getting high would immediately destroy my life. I know that without reservation. Yes occasionally I think about getting high but I quickly surrender and don't use.

I have to figure out how to find your journal. I see you post often.  I'm still learning how this forum works.

One day at a time. That?s a great way to tackle. I can only conquer today. I?m very familiar with 12 step programs as well (and punk rock by the way). I?m very glad you are here with me. I think we are all stronger together

Day 4.

Woke up. Monday---tired, feeling fatigue with brain fog even though I got a full night's rest. No motivation to work. I've been working from home since March and the pandemic began. I have trouble with focus and concentrating on tasks finding it very easy to be distracted.  The dead inside lifeless feeling is still very present.  I know now (from reading YBOP) that this is all the effect of dopamine depletion, desensitized pathways and the increased cravings from being wired to search more P.

In meditation this morning some advice that I read on another journal stuck with me.  I read something about shifting from a "deprivation mindset" of focusing on all the things I can't do and obsessing about withdrawal symptoms to a shift toward a "growth mindset" aware that I'm making progress as slow and painful as it is...it is still progress toward the benefits of a reboot.

The shift in attitude has been helpful (at times).

I find it most difficult at night. It is 930PM as I write this. My children are asleep, my wife is alone downstairs in the bedroom. I'm in another part of the house. My routine is to PMO under these conditions.

NOT TONIGHT! I know now that I can never get enough of something that doesn't satisfy me. I know now that the feelings of intense desire are the result of chemicals surging to find relief...my primitive mammalian brain (which is no different from a rat's reward center) is begging for pleasure. It's a fucking trap and path toward a lifeless, joyless, sexless existance. 

BTW: I had no idea I had PIED until I read the book and saw some posts here.  I'm depleted and flatlined downstairs and it's no surprise that I've not been attracted to my wife for so long.

I?ve tried to quit 1000 times...all I need to do is stop myself for today. Moment by moment if I have to.

Hi 3rdprecept,

Welcome. I just wanted to come by and give you my support, especially because you've said you are in a situation that has historically been a trigger for you to act out. I'm not sure if it's even possible in your situation, but could you start going to bed around the same time as your wife? I say that without any judgment whatsoever because for me, staying up late has always been a trigger. Just something to consider if staying up late has been a convenient back door in your recovery plan, a door you can close and keep closed simply by changing your evening routine.

Anyway, congrats on 4 days clean! It's not easy digging yourself out of this hole, my friend, but you've come to the right place to start that process, whether it's one day at a time or one moment at at time. Take care.

I appreciate the support LIGA. One side issue is that I don't have the courage to be honest with my wife yet about PMO. She is is not completely unaware, but I have not been open with her about this aspect of addiction.

She goes to bed to watch TV and I'm not interested in the shows she watches. There has been a wall of isolation built between us that I have to start to dismantle.

I can adapt your advice to an earlier bedtime routine still though.  I made it through the night with insomnia and intense cravings.

I woke up this morning tired at 6AM. I have a morning ritual of meditation and mindfulness practice. Mourning's are when I feel most comfortable and complete.

Grateful that I made it another day clean of PMO.

"BTW: I had no idea I had PIED until I read the book and saw some posts here.  I'm depleted and flatlined downstairs and it's no surprise that I've not been attracted to my wife for so long."

Obviously, I can't speak for everyone who reboots, but the first time I rebooted I suddenly realised, after 38 days, there was an attractive woman in bed next to me. We started having sex again and it was amazing. Unfortunately, I slipped back into porn use.

It's so pathetic to imagine that I've had a beautiful, living and breathing woman next to me all these years but I preferred to masturbate to porn! It makes no sense!!

The flatline is a blessing and a curse. It's blessing in that it lowers the urge to masturbate to porn, at least it does in my case. The curse is that if it continues for a long period (I've had flatlines that lasted more than 200 days), then the temptation to see if you can get hard can lead to porn use again.

Recovery isn't linear. It's important to keep this in mind. But things do improve. A strange thing has been happening for me after only 37 days. My partner is much more tactile and affectionate. It's almost as if she knows I'm recovering. Perhaps my body is giving off pheromones it hadn't when I was masturbating 3, 4, 5 times a day. I really don't know, but she's definitely more interested in me sexually. The problem is that I'm in a flatline and have zero libido.

Congratulations on your continuing run. Stay strong!

Day 5

Fatigue, mental fog, and dizziness are some of the primary symptoms. I've been busy through the day with work and then spent quality time with my children. Had a genuine laugh and some tender moments of joy.

I keep my mind focused on the growth towed a new way of life moment by moment.  Accepted the flatline and PIED. To be honest I'm very concerned about the PIED going away because if I'm hard with a raging libdo I don't know what I will do. PMO has been the one and only way to seek and find relief for years.

It's 8:28 PM and I still have hours of work to do at home but I'm not going to push myself.  Im going to be gentle with myself because I know how fragile early recovery is.

I'm deeply grateful for the support on this journal.  Last night due to insomnia I read through and posted on many of your journals.

Knowing that we are together on this journey gives me hope.

3rdprecept said:

She goes to bed to watch TV and I'm not interested in the shows she watches. There has been a wall of isolation built between us that I have to start to dismantle.

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I just wonder how much of an impact PMO has had on the state of your relationship 3rd? This forum has its fair share of guys who are only to humble and willing to admit that they have lost relationships and marriages (sometimes multiple) because of porn. It's also full of guys who have realised how fulfilling an intimate relationship can be when the shackles of porn addiction are removed. What came first - your wife withdrawing to the TV and the demise of your physical/intimate relationship, or the porn? I know from my own experience that when I am in a PMO using cycle, I'm horrible - short tempered, selfish, I withdraw both physically (I'm hiding away somewhere with my phone) and certainly emotionally. My wife reacts to this. I don't like her. I PMO more. We drift apart. It's a vicious cycle.
My money says that as you start to change, your wife will respond, your relationship will flourish. I can't say it for certain, but there's enough anecdotal case studies for that to be a realistic and achievable goal for you. Whether you share your struggle with her or not is irrelevant, I believe. She will notice the change.
Well done on day 5. The fog and fatigue will pass - your body and mind is readjusting, and I'm sure you've weathered worse withdrawal symptoms successfully in the past. You can do this. You're worth it.
Take care.

UKGUY you are correct.  It's the PMO that has driven my wife and I apart. My shame and inability to be open makes it difficult.  The PIED is a problem.  I've been thinking about opening up to her. 

Right now day 6 is going well.  I don't want to slip today...I appreciate your support.

Congrats on making it to Day 6, 3rdp.

It's 8:28 PM and I still have hours of work to do at home but I'm not going to push myself.  Im going to be gentle with myself because I know how fragile early recovery is.

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I think you've got the right instinct not to push yourself in early recovery. Knowing your limits and more importantly knowing when to administer self-care is key to a healthy recovery. Otherwise, I'm in agreement with what UK said about examining the relationship that you have with your wife more closely.

Keep it up. You're making great progress, friend.

Day 6

Still feeling a lack of motivation for work, fatigue and brain fog.  I've been returning to the simple truth contained in this quote.

"All actions are led by the mind.
Mind is their master; mind is their maker.
Act or speak with a defiled state of mind;
Then suffering follows,
As the cart-wheel follows the foot of the ox.

All actions are led by the mind.
Mind is their master; mind is their maker.
Act or speak with a pure state of mind;
Then happiness follows,
As your shadow follows you without departing."

The key for me right now is the line about "Acting or speaking" with whatever state of mind is what brings about the result.  I've been torturing myself for "thinking" about PMO or having cravings.  Instead of punishing myself for thoughts I'm staying focused on the quality of my mind in action.  By stopping PMO moment by moment I'm making progress. For years I've ignored this simple truth of PMO and minimized the defiled state of mind that the action comes from...rationalizing that no suffering could come for it. Or that if suffering came it was worth the bargain. I'm leaving that weak-minded way of life behind for something better.

Day 0

Good news and bad news.  Insomnia, restlessness, and not being able to handle a flatline PIED lead me step by step toward PMO.  It started with wandering mind replaying scenes over and over in my head...then I couldn't remember a specific name of an actress and begin trying to find it.... google images lead me helplessly to open a tube site.

Rationalizing took over my defeated mindset and aching heart.

I realized I'm addicted to the restlessness of searching and arousal. I'm addicted to the anticipation and desire. The feeling of dopamine flooding my mind was familiar.

In the morning I was able take the feeling of arousal and redirect it towards my wife.  We got together for the first time in years.  I took it slow with her and I know she was surprised and happy.  I told her that I loved her and this this was long overdue and we need to bring this into our life more. Together we were happy and affectionate for the first time in a long time. 

Day zero since I broke down and PMO last night.  Going forward I'm going to redirect my energy toward my wife. 

I'm working up to telling her about PMO.  I know she will be understanding.  I can be honest here that my decision not to tell her is a reservation on my part to try to keep this secret and protect my ability to continue in the shadows.....this is a dangerous mindset as it will erode my commitment.

3rd - Sorry to hear about your slip. Things could have taken a turn for the worse, but it seems like you rebounded remarkably well and managed to parlay some of that restless energy into reconciling with your wife. Best wishes to you as you work up the courage to tell her. There's nothing easy about it, but if she is understanding, then letting her in on your little secret should be a great relief.

Today was a big step forward with my wife. In the book ybop there is advise to redirect urges toward a real life partner.  I don't just want to use her as a way to M but as a way to build connection and intimacy.

That is exciting news on the spousal breakthrough-it makes sense that it would happen in the context of this new determination and commitment.  May you continue to grow, foster, and nurture this covenant of companionship into the blessing it is designed to be.  You are doing it man-onward you go!

Thank you Jixu. Reading about the honesty and connection that others have shared about their spouses has helped. 

I've been able to take a first step toward healing our relationship and it took courage.