Facing the truth

This is my first post so I guess I tell a little of my story.
Before I start I would like to state that I am a compulsive/obsessive person. With most things that make me feel good. I am a recovered drug addict and alcoholic. I have been an active member of alcoholics anonymous since January 16, 2008. I have worked all 12 steps and worked them again many times. I am sure the steps can help me with this but there is no groups or help for this anywhere near me. I think God may have led me here. I have tried to win over this most of my adult life with only failures resulting. Anyways, on to my story.
I was born in 1977. We were poor. I mean dirt poor. 5 of us slept in 1 bed, there was never any sexual abuse. When I was 9 months old my mother ran off and I would not know her for the first 13 years of my life. At age 5 my brother and 2 sisters were placed in an orphanage where we would remain until I was 11. This is where I masturbated my first time. I was 10. I remember the first time like it was yesterday. I remember everything about it. I was hooked.
My father came and got us out when I was 11. I was scared. My dad worked 2 jobs and my siblings had better things to do than hang with me. I am the baby. I was alone most days and nights with cable TV so masturbation became routinely 2,3,5 times a day. If people were home I would occupy the bathroom for 30-45 minutes many times a day.
If cable was available late night and other people were asleep in the room I would masturbate anyway. It has controlled my life my whole life.
I tell you this to give you an idea of where and when my road here started.
Masturbation has ruined relationships, I have lost jobs due to not going to work and isolated me due to obsession.
So we come to age 25. I started a relationship with the woman I now call wife. She is a great person and I love her deeply. But I found internet porn at age 30. (I know I'm a little slow at finding anything but my penis).
Masturbating 2,3,5 times a day I would have to stop for a few days to have sex with her so she did without at times. Then at 35 I simply got to where I couldn't stop, even for a few days. This caused unhappy scenes in my home. I have continued to use porn and masturbate multiple times a day. Then I got sick 3weeks ago and was out of it for a week. So I had a jump on stopping. I masturbated 1time in 2 weeks. I was getting this. Then we had sex a few days ago and I couldn't perform. Today I actually got curious and I know it wasn't the smartest thing to do but I experimented. I pulled up the porn and tried masturbation. It worked fine. Everything worked fine. So my truth is that not only am I addicted to masturbation but I am addicted to porn as well.
I have beaten myself up and hated myself for so many years. Cursed myself the weakling. Actually accepted that there was no hope of normalcy. So you guys and this place are truly my last hope. I have nowhere else to turn. I have tried everything I knew to get the idea out of my head. To stop. I can't do this on my own. Will you please help me.

Hi.

I recommend reading as many posts as possible and also check out Gary Wilson's video. The bottom line is that you need to quit porn. As you are well aware, this is easier said than done. However, you've kicked two addictions so why not make this your third! 

I find posting here really helps even if people don't always reply immediately or don't reply at all. I don't know what to suggest to a guy who has beaten two addictions. Your past experience will probably really help you with this. If you have any questions or if I can help in any way I'll be happy to try. However, I'm just another porn addict taking each day as it comes.

Good luck and welcome to the forum.

Hi welcome to the site!
Thanks for sharing your story, you done a great work I think you going to fix this to.

T

Often times the addiction is not the root but is a false solution to the root
and overtime the false solution becomes more of a problem then the root it was supposed to solve.
taking time away from the false solution / addiction is to take time towards discovering and facing up to the original root
only when you solve your root will you discover that the false solution / addiction will naturally go away.

It is like taking antiacid for indigestion due to allergy.
Find and remove the allergen and the indigestion and antiacid naturally goes away.

In my path to my recovery I discovered that PMO was a means to solve some issues:
1. seeking attention
2. seeking beauty
3. stress relief
But these issue stem from deeper roots:
1. being overly harsh on myself
2. not facing up to my real world challenges
3. being lazy, avoiding and having unrealistic entitled thinking
So I started to do the following on top of abstinence:
1. identify and engage my challenges
2. make more effort in life
3. embrace reality however ugly i perceive it to be
And in time i discovered:
1. joy and acceptance of myself
2. acceptance of all things small and hidden beauty
3. inner strength and less externally dependent.

These items are so distant from the addiction i suffered, yet they are the very things that helped me overcome the addiction i have, because they were the very roots of why I turned to addiction in the first case.

Coming to your root is coming back to the start. It is only when you know where you start from can you know what you need to move forward.

I think most people here in addiction recovery do not know how to love themselves properly, myself included.
I've been on reboot for about a year now. And it is only now that I think I am really starting to learn to love myself.
Only when we discover the power and healing of self love, kindness, compassion, forgiveness, and healthy inner voice and words, towards ourselves, that we finally discover what we truly need, what is healthy and good for us.

Nothing that you did in the past matters.
Its what you do from this day forward that does.

I wish you well and a speedy recovery, re-connection and re-loving with yourself

First full day. Stayed busy today. Doing real life stuff. I'm trying to realize my thinking, actions and feelings without getting morbid. I know my screen name sounds self pitying but it's actually the truth of what I have done to and of myself for 75% of my life. I want so bad to be normal. Not like washing machine normal but like not having obsessions like porn and wasting my one lifetime chasing my demons. Today was good though. Got to sit with my dad. He is old and sick and I have come to know him like never before. Went to work. Productive day. Got home and my granddaughter waited up to see me. I love listening to her talk. I know every day won't be this easy but I'm enjoying it while it's here. Thank you everyone. Getting to come on here and be with y'all is a whole new and wonderful experience for me in this. You know as well as I do the loneliness our addiction has rewarded us with. Thank you for me not being alone anymore.

I have been on a relapse of pmo. We have had a rough time here at the house. My wife's dad had a massive stroke and she found him the next day. I stayed at the hospital with her for 2days until she requested I needed go to work. I immediately got the grouch and the brainstorm going because her request made me feel unimportant, unappreciated and not wanted. The truth was I needed to go to work and earn money. (Not that I lay out a lot). Amazing how easily I convinced myself when my feelings were hurt. Fact is nothing made me do it. I got my feelings hurt and I wanted to change the way I felt, so I relapsed because I wanted to...I wanted to like the way I felt emotionally. It comes back to selfishness. I was thinking only of myself even though I knew the severity of her situation.

Just to note on my last reply just now. I didn't say anything stupid to her and the stupid thing I did was relapsed, nothing to or around her.

So here we are, talking to ourself again lol. Rough day. Not with obsession or temptation but with life. Had the viwing for her father so we been up at the funeral home all day and night. She stressed, I'm stressed. It's a whole new situation niether of us have experience at. She sad and I wanna fix her. But why do I wanna fix her? Could be I care. I do care but I have doubts that is the reason. Maybe it's more that I can get my way and what I want if I look like the hero and she is happy. Probly right back to selfishness.
So I had one temptation today. It lasted until I prayed and go my mind busy with something else.
It amazing how less selfish I can be when pmo sober.
Until next time, goodnight journal.