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Topics - achilles heel

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Ages 20-29 / Free At Last
« on: April 05, 2016, 05:32:28 PM »
Hi everyone,

I discovered this page in 2014 while researching on porn addiction and finally decided to register and write a journal - let me tell you something about my case and why it took so long for me to join the community:

Three years ago at age 26 I realized suffering from porn addiction. I tried to stop it and failed, many times. At some point I stopped bothering, telling myself it wasn't a problem at all as none of my friends seem to consider it to be one. But I felt worse and worse for extended consuming and stumbled across this wonderful page, that finally managed to explain to me what exactly happened with my brain and what's the big deal with quitting. I can't thank you enough for this page and each of the user's journals helped me a lot understanding more about myself and my own problem.

With my new knowledge I thought to have found the solution to all of my problems and wouldn't need help from anybody. Guess what? I failed. And failed again. I blocked images at my browser, tried to avoid triggers. At some point I started telling myself, it wasn't a problem if it wasn't hardcore porn, and yet relapsed completely sooner or later again.

My longest streak lasted 75 days and ended because of a sports news page publishing an athlete's bikini pictures. I know how stupid that may sound and I felt so bad about it afterwards, but relapsed several more times the days after. And there we have the reason, I finally decided to register and tell you my story. I thought way too long to be able to solve this on my own and to defeat this "weakness". Afterwards I felt ashamed of being weak again.

At some point of recovery my brain (I know, this sounds schizophrenic) convinces itself, that remaining clean more than X days proves I wasn't addicted and therefore could allow myself a little, controlled dose. But not anymore! There isn't such thing as "control", there is no "little bit". More than anything else I need this journal as a reminder to myself, how damn serious I am about quitting porn forever. How good I feel during most steps of recovery. How proud I am of being stronger than my addiction. How bad every relapse makes me feel. How happy I am in life and that every time I reflect about it, the only thing I would have made undone is becoming a porn addict at age 14. I can't make it undone, but I can quit. Now.

This is day one of my new life on April, 6th 2016, keeping you updated once in a while and searching for help in case of relapse, although I'm more convinced than ever before not to relapse again. First partial goal is the 75 days mark...

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