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Messages - achilles heel

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1
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: March 21, 2021, 05:29:41 PM »
Thank you very much, escapeandnevercomeback and Hablablos! Unfortunately it IS Day 0 again and lately I don't last long at my attempts. Instead of a long entry here I will make a plan for my next week, there has to be a way out!

2
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: February 21, 2021, 06:16:44 PM »
Day 0

It has been a very long time since my last entry and of course this wasn't because I successfully overcame my addiction but because I didn't fight it seriously anymore. Of course I "tried" to quit, but I'm pretty much back in the old recovery-relapse circle. Last weekend I had a horrible two day binge that made me think "THIS TIME I QUIT FOR REAL" and this weekend I went back to the porn abyss as usual.

The negative effects are still very real, the whole corona situation has made my social anxiety less visible, but it definitely increases. I get nervous again, I feel all eyes on me after my binges. I am losing precious life time and damage my health due to not sleeping and eating properly. The decrease in libido and PIED "light" are also already back. Not to mention the shame because of the stuff I watched and did during those long lasting binges.

Apparently this is serious enough for me to keep starting again and again and again. 5 years in this community, first tried to quit 8 years ago, this is almos a decade and it will become more difficult with every day.

It's important to not let this new start being fueled by self hatred but by reason. The motivation out of anger and despair always led to failure as soon as those negative emotions vanished. I need to realize that porn is bad for me and that I can't control it. Neither can I control a "little dose" nor can I control keeping triggers around me.

Once again I have to radically change my life, in mid 2019 I made it 100 days and had a major impact on my life. I can be a very happy person, but I need to get rid of this demon that holds me back for far too long.

The only good news is that for almost eight months I didn't do any drugs, but I owe my success mostly to the limited social life and no parties being available. I hope to complete one year clean this summer and gain motivation and distance to further advance to a life without drugs and porn.

And as I mentioned here before I am not happy with this journal being 32 pages of "Day 0" and failures. I'm not happy that I announced "last chances" and quitting in case of failure, because that's not the spirit. I promise to whoever might read this that I will not give up until I finally succeed and leave this addiction behind. It is not impossible, just incredibly difficult, but if it was easy, nobody would set up a journal to write about their daily struggle.

Well, while I'm writing this "Day 0" is over and I made a detailed plan on nutrition, exercise and daily tasks to leave behind the bad habits of my "corona life" - while this pandemic and its restrictions are probably the worst circumstances to fight this addiction, I see it as a chance to make a major change despite those obstacles.

3
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: September 21, 2020, 01:41:33 PM »
Day 0

This one was obvious:

Very difficult day, had sex last night and drank - facing chaser effect and a little hangover today. My only goal is to complete today, have to be more careful definitely.

How could I expect to just succeed without changing anything?

Anyway, at some point it becomes ridiculous to write "Day 0" over and over again. I made a cut today, got a new phone, change my computer, put restrictions to my life and go for my last attempt here.

Have been back in the porn trap since this last entry and feel miles away from those better days with long abstinence. My constant failure is ridiculous, it's 4 1/2 years that I keep writing "Day 0" with my longest streak of abstinence being 100 days.

If I fail this time I will delete this account and go for professional help instead, enough is enough. Currently I am changing every aspect of my life to just get rid of this addiction and "starting again" is not an option anymore.

4
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: August 23, 2020, 05:29:20 AM »
Day 16

Very difficult day, had sex last night and drank - facing chaser effect and a little hangover today. My only goal is to complete today, have to be more careful definitely.

5
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: August 22, 2020, 06:53:22 AM »
Day 15

Very productive start to the weekend so far, going day by day to advance even further.

6
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: August 21, 2020, 10:44:21 AM »
Day 14

Two weeks complete: No P, no subs, no M! Now the difficult weekend is ahead and I have to be very careful... this is a huge success already, but I know that most of my failures occur in the third or fourth week.

7
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: August 20, 2020, 08:14:20 AM »
Day 13

Close to completing the second week, I definitely made major improvements and changes yet, but there is a long road ahead. Still very busy, more at the weekend!

8
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: August 19, 2020, 09:32:44 AM »
Day 12

Another day, until the weekend I remain very busy, still I'll be very aware!

9
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: August 18, 2020, 04:05:25 PM »
Thanks a lot guys, I'm looking forward to checking out your journals this weekend and hope you're doing well too!  :)

Day 11

Another busy day complete, it's getting tougher and I have to be very aware! Still going step by step.

10
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: August 17, 2020, 05:09:23 AM »
Day 10

Reaching a two digit number of days porn free is a little milestone already, really feels great! Now I have to work hard to get through the second week. My focus is today as I will not relapse today!

11
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: August 16, 2020, 11:19:33 AM »
Day 9

I'm still doing great, have been around people yesterday and today and made it impossible to relapse despite some cravings. This is the second porn-free weekend after various long binges on every weekend before in the last months. I once again see how beautiful life can be if I take steps to fill it with actual rewarding activities and not giving in to my addictions.

12
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: August 14, 2020, 10:11:38 AM »
Day 7

First week complete, now the difficult weekend is ahead and I have to focus on going through step by step. This is a huge success already, but the toughest time is about to come.

13
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: August 13, 2020, 04:06:46 PM »
Day 6

And another day complete, tomorrow will be really important as I will finish the first week and enter a difficult weekend. So far I believe in myself and really feel the change!

14
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: August 12, 2020, 10:11:44 AM »
Day 5

Still going step by step, this finally feels like a restart. I have to focus on advancing on a daily basis before defining any long term goals. This is just about leaving porn behind.

15
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: August 11, 2020, 04:29:00 PM »
Day 4

Completing 4 days is a huge success already and I stick to my method of just being too busy to relapse. There is a long road and lots of suffering ahead, but I am willing to go through all this again. I can do it!

16
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: August 10, 2020, 05:09:17 PM »
Day 3

A good start so far, still keeping myself busy and looking forward to another day.

17
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: August 09, 2020, 04:59:07 PM »
Day 2

Kept myself very busy and had a very productive weekend, proud to announce I completed the second day and now focus on the next day to build my way out of this step by step.

18
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: August 08, 2020, 09:53:24 AM »
Day 1

4 years and 4 months after starting this topic and having some major streaks, now I feel like I am back at the bottom and this feels more like a confession than an update:

I now realize what success I already had when doing streaks of various weeks rather easy and spending more days without porn than with porn. Although my relapses after some weeks or even months felt like a complete setback, I managed to start again and to keep porn out of my life most of the time.

Now the whole coronavirus situation completely changed my life for the worse. There are no big social events, no big meetings at work, no public speaking, no personal client contact. I struggled with severe social anxiety due to which in 2013 I discovered I had a problem with porn addiction. I found the key to my misery and seven years later I am right back at it, because lately I can hide myself after long porn binges.

I currently watch porn most days on a daily basis, sometimes even twice and making it three days has been a huge struggle already. My last serious intent here was in april, then I wrote in june but relapsed right afterwards.

I feel ashamed because to get a bigger high during my binges I always felt sexting was even more exciting and I also MO'd on webcam on a page dedicated to that. I feel so empty and ashamed afterwards, this MUST stop.

While my other struggle, cocaine, hasn't gone out of hand in terms of frecuency as my porn use did, I still crossed some lines I wish I could undo. While I always tried to hide doing cocaine and only did it at certain parties or with certain people, I lately did it at random social events with close friends and even family members around. Furthermore I am driving under influence and don't care. This is dangerous to myself, to others and at some point I even felt like: If I finally get caught, I will have a motivation to change my life, because I hit rock bottom.

I had to deal with severe personal issues lately and while this isn't the cause of my addiction, it's the cause of not gaining motivation to fight my way out. But I can't wait to hit whatever rock bottom, because this is not about avoiding the negative, but building a positive life. I love my life too much to let this downward spiral continue.

This is a new beginning, my first goal is to complete my first day and to be able to write "Day 2" again.

19
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: June 21, 2020, 05:00:04 PM »
Day 1

Just completed a new day 1. Not much success lately, no positive perspective, no motivation to go it alone. I need to take this problem serious again and work on recovery, this is a serious restart once again and I feel motivated to leave my addiction behind.

At least some good news: Over 2 months without drugs aside from alcohol.

20
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: April 28, 2020, 04:05:13 PM »
Thank you so much for your overwhelming support, guys, it really means a lot to me and helped me in an incredible way!  :) - this weekend I will take my time to read through your stories, because - and that's good news - I am very busy!

It's already:

Day 8

First week complete, now heading towards the second weekend. Have been very, very productive so far and force myself to work out at home every night before going to bed now. Skipped my entry here yesterday, but I guess it was okay as I avoided any kind of trouble keeping myself busy.

Have to go back to the daily success: Next goal is another day without porn!

21
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: April 26, 2020, 03:22:20 PM »
Thank you very much, Blue! So far I am on...

Day 6

...and doing really well! I've been very productive this weekend and made it through without much trouble. From now on I will write every day, even if it's just a short entry as this one. Made some changes that will hopefully help me finally leaving this addiction behind.

22
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: April 22, 2020, 09:54:25 AM »
Day 2

It's hard to start again and gain motivation, but I think I am prepared better this time.

23
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: April 21, 2020, 04:03:03 PM »
Day 1

Everything went well until a girl (former 'friend with benefit') sent me a lingerie pic out of nowhere. She is in a relationship so that caught me totally off guard. We used to have a heavy sexting relation, but I didn't cut contact because she's in a relationship for 4 months yet. After falling back into the porn abyss for the last three days I cut contact and blocked her, also am cleaning up my 'unhealthy' contacts.

I should also admit that after a month clean I had the desire to do coke on Friday and it turned into a long binge with heavy depression afterwards. Right into the depression I received the picture.

I want to quit both, porn and cocaine. Doing coke makes me vulnerable for a porn relapse afterwards and the negative effects of both are way worse than the temporary high.

Circumstances have never been more difficult for quitting, but I need better preparation. Will sort out any sexting risk out of my contacts as that's my easiest way into relapsing.

24
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: April 17, 2020, 12:09:52 AM »
Day 9

Weekend is here and I woke up to sexual dreams, not porn dreams, which is a maybe a good sign. Cravings are increasing and I have to be very cautious. Still I feel more dedicated than ever and will leave this behind once and for all!

25
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: April 16, 2020, 02:40:46 PM »
Day 8

Close to the second weekend, need to prepare because it's going to be tough!

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