Self analysis can be embarrassing

King Leer

Active Member
Basically my whole life I have felt shame because of my porn viewing.  This only made it worse, made me search out worse porn simply to confirm my self held bias. Well after reading about the chemical effects porn has on the brain, I have realized that I am just a normal guy fallen prey to a disgusting perversion of something that is completely natural.  I am done with shame. Four days porn free.  Still very wary of my triggers, I now have this site along with my other defenses.  It's way too easy to fall into autopilot.  Last year I had a accountability app that would send everything I viewed on my phone to my wife's phone.  While this was a great way to start I know it is not a lasting solution. Porn is everywhere, I have to root it out of my heart.  So now I am free from the app, free to look at whatever I want, and it feels so great when you can succeed in private.  Self discipline, self esteem, self awareness. These will be  the building blocks of my future. KL
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Hi KL,

Welcome!  You already sound like you have a great grasp on this.  I loved this from your post - "normal guy fallen prey to a disgusting perversion of something that is completely natural."  Completely true, we're all normal and we're all human.  Good for you for recognizing the shame and not letting it control you...that is truly huge.  Sounds like you came out of the corner swinging at your addiction!  I look forward to more of your posts.  Thanks for sharing!
 

King Leer

Active Member
Thanks I have tried quitting over and over for years. But yeah I feel like I finally have the right mindset to make it stick(I am also an alcoholic so I have some experience with quitting addictions, though porn is worse). All that said I know it's a long road ahead of me and I will face some real challenges. Thanks for the encouragement. -KL
 

King Leer

Active Member
Day 5 no p or mo. I am assume mo stands for masturbation, I am new to this site, if someone could help me out with the abbreviations.  So far no mo has been easier than expected, considering I have been doing it 85 percent of my life. Just been staying busy.  It seems like maybe I was supposed to quit it all a while ago, having a wife I love and a great life. Sometimes I wonder at the things I do?
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Hey KL,

Below link should help you with the lingo.

Don't beat yourself up though, remember that quote you sent me that said something to the effect that anybody is capable of anything if the circumstances are right.  That's true for all of us. 

I have a friend who keeps reminding me that everything is so much more difficult in quarantine.  Not sure if you are in quarantine, but if so, this is not how humans are wired to live, so remember to give yourself a break in that regard.  Battling something like this is already insanely hard, throw in quarantine, and it becomes damn near impossible...but we can do it.

You're doing well though!

Link - http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=21.0
 

King Leer

Active Member
Day 6 been exercising for the last 4 or 5 months and doing more often as of late. Seems to be a very positive way to release some energy and boost my self esteem, albeit not always easy to start. Had a sudden urge to search out p subs last night which I quickly rejected, realising that searching out those things serves me nothing positive.  Only lust towards women I will never have and would probably not even like if I met them in real life.  What is the point of that?  I don't know, there isn't one.
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
King Leer said:
Thanks I have tried quitting over and over for years. But yeah I feel like I finally have the right mindset to make it stick(I am also an alcoholic so I have some experience with quitting addictions, though porn is worse). All that said I know it's a long road ahead of me and I will face some real challenges. Thanks for the encouragement. -KL

I find it incredible that many people have found quitting porn to be harder than alcohol or some hard drugs.

Welcome to the forum. Let's all successfully slay this beast.
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
You're in good shape, already mindful of a potential relapse point, being tired.  I think HALT is what addicts use (Hungry, Angry, Lonely Tired).  Feeling one of these, more likely to make a decision we'll regret later.  But you're aware of it...and by the way, you were tired and went to sleep...that's a normal reaction!  Making progress!
 

King Leer

Active Member
Thanks I really appreciate it. I think I was in the pink cloud in the first week.  Reality is hitting home. But can't quit, there is too much on the line. Yeah hungry angry tired I was all those not long ago now just tryin to relax got some pandora going your comment helped a lot.  Progress is hard to see up close. Like excercise, you can work out so hard and look in the mirror and still hate your body. But you just gotta trust that it's gonna work out in the long run
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Man you hit it spot on.  A metaphor my friend frequently uses is the working out.  It takes time.  We as addicts aren't accustomed to things taking time, used to that instant gratification.  That's the hardest part, training our minds and bodies to wait.  You've got this man, stay with it!
 

King Leer

Active Member
It's my and my wife's 8 anniversary this weekend. It feels good going into it with my conscience clean.  No pmo no fap for I think around two weeks or a little over (goin strong).  I remember two years ago I was looking at p on our sixth anniversary in the hotel room while my wife was in the shower. Wow what was wrong with me then?
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
You had an illness then that you weren't aware of, that's all.  Nothing wrong with you, just a disease.

But man, congratulations on 2 weeks with no fap/pmo and 8 years of marriage!  You have lots of cause to celebrate this weekend!  Please do enjoy yourself, and hopefully, seeing how much you enjoy yourself without pmo/fap will be even more motivation for you to continue.

Do something fun!  Happy anniversary!
 

King Leer

Active Member
So I have been pretty good lately. No pmo or fap. I had a really tough day yesterday I was jonesing for some dopamine. Had been really tired with work and and starting my new classes. I am going back to work to be a nurse. Anyway I had this old social media post going through my head it was kind of a fetish thing for me. And I ended up looking it up.  Didn't do anything with it after but it was strange to me how powerful even a fetish can be.  It wasn't even categorically pornographic by nature.  Anyway I was tired and dirty from work and after I showered I felt better.  I am not going to reset my counter as it was nothing worse than I would have come across in a tv ad but I am keeping my guard up for sure.
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Bigger takeaway is that nothing happened after looking at it.  Not something to repeat as you said, but, something that in the past sounds like would have led to relapse didn't this time.  So you're clearly making progress!
 

King Leer

Active Member
22 days. Had an urge last night but the more I thought about it the more I realized I had little interest in getting mixed up with porn again.  A big takeaway from another person's post on this site is that your lower brain can not force you to do anything. Sometimes it feels like you don't have a choice when your brain is chasing that dopamine rush, but you do. You are in control. I don't look at it like an addiction anymore. It's just something I used to do that I don't do now. In that way I take back some power.  Still even through all that it's weird how your brain tries to trick you into thinking you are not good enough and you might as well give in.
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
King Leer said:
22 days. Had an urge last night but the more I thought about it the more I realized I had little interest in getting mixed up with porn again.  A big takeaway from another person's post on this site is that your lower brain can not force you to do anything. Sometimes it feels like you don't have a choice when your brain is chasing that dopamine rush, but you do. You are in control. I don't look at it like an addiction anymore. It's just something I used to do that I don't do now. In that way I take back some power.  Still even through all that it's weird how your brain tries to trick you into thinking you are not good enough and you might as well give in.

Such a great post. Congratulations on putting 22 days behind you. That's good progress. And this is a good way of thinking.

I find dealing with brain fog hard. Inability to focus and concentrate.
 

Pdub

Member
Congrats on your 22 days! That is a huge achievement.

You're absolutely right that a lot of this is dopamine fueled.  The brain gets used to it and craves it.  When you deny it, it kind of... lashes out at you with more cravings.  I have been in the situation where I have been trying to convince myself NOT to PMO so many times and then I break. 

"What's one more time" "You know you're going to do it anyway, stop fighting" "You aren't going to get laid today anyway, so why not?"

It's so easy to convince yourself it's ok, but afterward it feels so hollow.  Keep up the good fight, KL!
 
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