Wolfman
Active Member
It's about three hours since I last PMO'd. A bleak realization seizes me in the wash of orgiastic pleasure: I'm going deeper down a path whose end is an all-consuming nothingness. I've been deep down this path. And, although I've managed to climb up significantly, this path is one that I've never really been able to escape.
I'm thirty years old and I've been watching and masturbating to internet porn since my somewhere in my mid-teens. I can't remember exactly when I started, because I can't remember a time without it. If I try to reminisce about my sexuality, porn seems always to have been there, from the earliest days on. For the longest time, I had no idea of its effects, because I lived a closed existence. Keeping few friends and not seeing any women. But I was often depressed and emotionally unstable. It's when I got into college that I started meeting more people and seeing women, I started feeling better. My sexual encounters were exciting, save for one thing: there was a baffling and frustrating gap where there should've been an upright joy. I had severe ED.
At first I thought it was a performance anxiety, but after cruising the internet a bit, I came to believe that this was porn related. I could really feel--as I still do today--where my brain is on fire when looking at porn, it is silent and dead when I was with a real person. Every other part of me wants the other person, except the whole.
But I've come to realize that the problem is not just with ED, but additionally as an emotional crutch and as a surrogate for real, meaningful relationships. I would PMO as a pick-me-up, a boost to my mood or get by. When I was having a low day--just like today--I'd start with a few nude images, before hopping to a video, and then the game was up. Any willpower at that point was gone. The first time after a week feels really nice, but then, doing it the second day in a row, rapidly it feels hollow and disappointing.
Porn has been such a big part of my life. It's likely done more damage than I can imagine. But I can't deny it's also been a comfort and a space where I could explore my fantasies. The problem is the persistent, many years long usage. Now I know, I've known for years, but I really want to quit for good. The short-term comfort does not make up for the debilitating and humiliating ED and the emotional dismemberment. I hope this journal will help me on heading the right direction on this path; upwards and, eventually, off it completely. I welcome any support and any suggestions. Thank you for reading.
It's about four hours since I last PMO'd.
I'm thirty years old and I've been watching and masturbating to internet porn since my somewhere in my mid-teens. I can't remember exactly when I started, because I can't remember a time without it. If I try to reminisce about my sexuality, porn seems always to have been there, from the earliest days on. For the longest time, I had no idea of its effects, because I lived a closed existence. Keeping few friends and not seeing any women. But I was often depressed and emotionally unstable. It's when I got into college that I started meeting more people and seeing women, I started feeling better. My sexual encounters were exciting, save for one thing: there was a baffling and frustrating gap where there should've been an upright joy. I had severe ED.
At first I thought it was a performance anxiety, but after cruising the internet a bit, I came to believe that this was porn related. I could really feel--as I still do today--where my brain is on fire when looking at porn, it is silent and dead when I was with a real person. Every other part of me wants the other person, except the whole.
But I've come to realize that the problem is not just with ED, but additionally as an emotional crutch and as a surrogate for real, meaningful relationships. I would PMO as a pick-me-up, a boost to my mood or get by. When I was having a low day--just like today--I'd start with a few nude images, before hopping to a video, and then the game was up. Any willpower at that point was gone. The first time after a week feels really nice, but then, doing it the second day in a row, rapidly it feels hollow and disappointing.
Porn has been such a big part of my life. It's likely done more damage than I can imagine. But I can't deny it's also been a comfort and a space where I could explore my fantasies. The problem is the persistent, many years long usage. Now I know, I've known for years, but I really want to quit for good. The short-term comfort does not make up for the debilitating and humiliating ED and the emotional dismemberment. I hope this journal will help me on heading the right direction on this path; upwards and, eventually, off it completely. I welcome any support and any suggestions. Thank you for reading.
It's about four hours since I last PMO'd.