My recovery journal 2021

I have been putting off starting a journal for some time. I am not sure if it was out of fear or laziness (or both?). I am a 22 year old college student who is looking to gain motivation from you all on my continued road to recovery. I have struggled with porn ever since I can remember. The first time I looked at porn was on my parents computer. At the time it was still images, but it still latched on to me with so much power. I grew up consistently watching porn and masturbating to it. I thought every guy my age did that, so I never saw it as a problem.

It was not until I went to college and started to grow in my faith that I realized how far down the rabbit hole I had gotten. Still images had turned to videos, which then turned to a desire for having sexual conversations with other women. I got out of a relationship that meant the world to me when I was 18. I truly loved this girl, and for reasons on both of our ends we broke each others hearts. Since then I have been unable to find true intimacy again. Intimacy that has me loving a girl for her looks but also her soul and the person she is. I partly think this is due to walls I have placed up since the breakup, but also in large part due to pornography. I feel so much shame when I pursue sexting with other women I don't know. When I get in the mindset to act out nothing can stop me. I will do anything to get access to certain apps so I can fuel the addiction. It scares me to think of the things I am willing to do.

I have lived much of my life with crippling shame. As most porn addicts do. Believing I am unlovable because of what I have watched, or how I have acted out. I am DONE settling for less in life. I started going to counseling two years ago for porn addiction. To this day I have weekly check in's with a counselor and an accountability group that has helped immensely. I have made so many strides in my recovery in just two years. yet my relapses with acting of sexually in the form of sexting happen monthly, and this has frustrated me so much. I feel at times if I don't overcome this addiction I will never be able to love a women and become married. Which is my ultimate fear... Am I crazy to think this? Is that the shame talking? I am not sure, but I know I want to heal from this addiction that has plagued my life for so long. Like I said, I go to counseling, have an accountability group, have covenant eyes on my computer, have screen time locks on my phone that I don't have the password to, yet I am continuing to have trouble getting long monthly stretches of sobriety. Help, support and community through this forum board are what I need. So today I am taking the step to start recording my recovery everyday.

This post acts as not only my journal, but also a call to others out there who want to be in community. So here goes my first step towards continuing to become the man I want to be. Heres to day 1...

"To know the road ahead, ask those coming back."
 

Redalc

Active Member
Hey, just want you to know. Everyone here is here for you, here to help out. I am having the same troubles you are having. Maybe not same specifically but the same struggle to overcome. I don?t know the best way to help. But everything you are doing is really good. Keep it up, if there?s anything I can do to encourage and help you let me know.
 
Hey Redalc,

I appreciate the words of encouragement. I think the hardest thing about overcoming PMO is getting up after you fall. I am hoping this community helps me in that journey.

Heres to day 1
 
Hey Brother,

I wanted to share some advice which someone wise told me once. You need to stop looking yourself the way you to do change your results. If you see yourself as unlovable and someone who is bad because of this addiction then more of that will come back to you. Just take a fresh piece of paper and write down how would you like to live your life without being a porn addict. Then see yourself as that person. This way you change yourself from the inside and then eventually it comes out for others to see as well.

Hope this helps.
STAY STRONG!!
 
N

Nliy

Guest
You got this! I have failed a lot of times as well, you're not alone. Without a doubt it's a hard thing to overcome, but you have a whole community on here supporting you.
 
Hey everyone,

Thanks so much for the words of encouragement!

Day 1: Here is to starting my journey towards publicly recording how all my days of recovery go, good or bad. Yesterday was a bit challenging from the pain I felt with relapsing the night before it became hard not to last night. I ultimately MO last night through sexting again.

I have been home alone the last few nights which is challenging and my first problem. I once was told a story about a man that continued to cheat on his wife, while he had good intentions his actions always went against his words. Something he said that stuck to me was this, "I cheated on my wife when the happy hour started." Meaning this guy chose before he ever was in a room with a girl to place himself in a situation where he knew he would be susceptible to cheat. He cheated when he chose to drink too much at the happy hour and become someone who he knew could make those decisions. The same goes with me, I need to stop the action much earlier then when I am in bed with my hands down my pant. It will be impossible then. I need to start to identify different areas that are triggers for me to want to act out, and some actions steps I can take to prevent that.

This morning I wrote down the life I wanted to live, like "reviving self" told me to. I am going to stop acting like I am defective and instead envision the life I want to live. Thanks for the great reminder brother! One step closer to freedom.

"To know the road ahead, ask those coming back."
 
Day 2:

Yesterday went great! Was able to see some friends I hadn't seen for a while. Spent most of the day with them in community having a good time.

Did not have too many urges yesterday. Went out to a bar with some of those buddies and still did not feel like I had the urge to MO when I got back to my place.. In my experience the first week without PMO for a reboot is the hardest. Looking forward to continuing to record my journey, but also know this first week is going to be hard.

Loving how I am feeling right now though!

Heres to day 3
 
Day 3: Yesterday went well! I went to church in the morning with friends and then was able to get breakfast afterwards with them. Did not have many triggers yesterday besides right before I went to bed. I had just gotten done with a very hard workout and was exhausted, thoughts of relapsing definitely came to mind... Nonetheless I got in bed, read some of a book I am on and went to sleep.

I am going to start rating some areas that pornography directly affects, from 1-5. 5 being the best it can be and 1 being the worst.

Brain Fog: 2
Libido: 1
Loneliness: 4
Joy: 4
Energy: 4
Stress: 3

Today I have a busy schedule with a lot of structure, which will allow me to be preoccupied with other tasks.

Heres to day 4..
 
Day 4: Yesterday was good for the most part. I am back from spring break at my University so class and studying has placed a normal structure in my schedule again. I did not think too much about porn throughout the day. I did have some objectifying thoughts and fantasies when I looked at certain girls. I had some anxiety in the morning which felt crippling for an hour or two. I sat down, wrote why I was anxious, where it was coming from, and ultimately the false narrative I was writing. This helped me see how ridiculous sone of the thoughts I had been having were.

Brain Fog: 3
Libido: 4
Joy: 2
Relationships: 2
Energy: 4
Temperament: 3

Overall I am doing well, some urges have come and gone. Last night I was browsing VSCO on some girls page and had to quickly remind myself to get off of that. I was able to go to bed and get a restful nights sleep.

Heres to day 5...

"I count him braver who overcomes his desires then him who conquers his enemies; For the hardest victory is over self."
- Aristotle
 
Day 5: Yesterday was a really good day.. It was kind of gloomy where I live so that did something to my mood I think. I had work in the morning, a coffee date with a girl in the afternoon and then a bible study to end the night. The coffee date went well. I am not sure if she is quite the girl I am interested in pursuing but I had great confidence throughout the conversation, and did not objectify her either. I have some stressors with work and school coming up which were on my mind last night. Thoughts of acting out definitely came to mind. However, I was able to put my phone down and go to sleep. I actually was able to take a step back and go "No I don't even want to do this right now, it isn't healthy for me and adds nothing." It felt pretty great to put the phone down and be able to fall asleep.

Brain Fog: 3
Loneliness: 1
Libido: 2
Joy: 2
Relationships: 5
Energy: 4

"I count him braver who overcomes his desires then him who conquers his enemies; For the hardest victory is over self."
- Aristotle
 
Day 6: Yesterday went really well... Until I got in bed early at 9. I had a couple instances throughout the day that activated channels of stress.. One in particular. Instead of getting home and journaling about this, I decided to get in bed and chat with a girl I am talking to rn. While in bed I was cruising a dating app (continually getting more and more interested as I did). That finally led to me acting out by MO. The last thing I want to do is beat myself up and feel shame. I am hopeful for 5 strong says of sobriety that I had. I will start another streak! Back on the recovery road for me.

Brain Fog: 1
Loneliness: 3 or 4
Libido: 1 Non existent yesterday until later at night
Confidence: 2
Joy: 4
Energy: 2
 
Day 7: Yesterday was great! I did not have one strong urge to look at porn or act out in a way that would be detrimental to my reboot. I was busy most of the day, and then hung out with this girl I have been talking to lately. We watched a movie and just talked... It was nice to not have strong urges of just fantasizing about things I could do with her. We just laid together and talked for most of the night. I am proud I didn't even try and make a move, cuz at the end of the day I wanna make sure I am liking her for the right reasons.

Brain Fog: 2
Loneliness: 1
Relationships: 4
Libido: 1 or 2
Joy: 4
Energy: 4

Weekends are always more challenging for me.. But I can do it. Need to surround myself with community and stay accountable to those in my life that challenge me in this area.
 
Days and 8 and 9: This weekend has been going really well. I have not PMO and when I have been triggered, have found healthy ways to process without acting out. I continue to see this girl I have been talking to. I am proud of myself for not objectifying her body, and truly trying to get to know her for her. I am cautious of doing this physically because I feel like that sometimes can throw me back into a heavy relapse afterwards. I am treading lightly on that moving forward. The brain fog this weekend has been horrible. Impossible to concentrate on one central thought. I know this all apart of the reboot, but I didn't think it would hit me this hard this early. I have had long stretches of sobriety the last year so maybe its partially residuals from that.

Brain Fog: 5
Loneliness: 3
Libido: 2
Joy: 3
Relationships: 5
Energy: 3

Motivated for this upcoming week to kick BUTT! Happy Palm Sunday to all the believers on here!
 
Day 10: Yesterday was a good day again. The fantasies and urges are starting to slowly decrease which is great. The brain fog remains to be a little bit of an issue. I didn't have any strong temptations to go to PMO yesterday, which I am glad about. Most of  the day for me was spent studying for a test I have today, reading a book, or just hanging out at my place. I am hopeful for the start of this week. The biggest thing I am trying to work on is identifying dif stressors in my life and getting out ahead of them by finding ways to process them in a healthy manner instead of PMO.

Brain Fog: 2
Libido: 3
Loneliness: 1
Joy: 4
Relationships: 3
Energy: 2

Another day towards becoming the man I want to be!
 
Day 11: Yesterday was great until the night. I had been doing super well until I decided to wake up from sleep and felt strong urges to M. I gave in to those urges and did MO. The one encouragement for me was I did not do it to any artificial stimulation, but instead my imagination. I know this still breaks my reboot, but to be able to have a strong boner and O fairly quickly to just my imagination is something I used to seldom do. Recording this to get back on the road and start again.

Brain Fog: 2
Libido: 4
Loneliness: 1
Relationships: 4
Energy: 3
Joy: 4
 
Day 12 and 13: Been busy the past few days so I have not been able to check in and give updates. For the most part I have been doing really well. I am still talking to this girl which has been good. We got physical the other night which did not lead to anything serious but I had a pretty good boner through most of it. I also have been waking up with steady morning wood. Last night I was horny so I ended up MO. It was not to any artificial stimulation which I am happy about. Eventually I want to be able to walk away from all PMO and have the ability not to masturbate if I don't need to. Regardless, I am okay with it now in my recovery if it prevents me from relapsing with PMO.

Brain Fog: 1
Libido: 4
Loneliness: 4
Energy: 3
Relationships: 2-3
Joy: 4
 
Day 14: Its Friday as I write this... I just relapsed for the first time in weeks. Was seeking out porn and sexting through instagram. I feel super discouraged that I decided to make a brash decision and PMO when I was doing very well. The last thing I want to do is shame myself, but I feel disgusting right now. Any encouragement from you all would be very helpful. Tomorrow I This afternoon marks day 1 on a new road to sobriety. I can do this, and I will do this. I am trying to think of what happened today to get me to fall into relapsing. Going to try and journal later to figure it out.
 
Day 1: First day of the new reboot... I can do this. The importance in recovery is focused on consistency not intensity. I fell down and had a hard weekend of multiple relapses. Yet, I get back up and start a new road to becoming the man I want to be. The joy is in the journey, no matter how hard that is to believe right now.

Joy: 1
Brain Fog: 2
Relationships: 1
Energy: 1
Libido: 1
Loneliness: 1
 
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