thepornproblem
Member
I have been putting off starting a journal for some time. I am not sure if it was out of fear or laziness (or both?). I am a 22 year old college student who is looking to gain motivation from you all on my continued road to recovery. I have struggled with porn ever since I can remember. The first time I looked at porn was on my parents computer. At the time it was still images, but it still latched on to me with so much power. I grew up consistently watching porn and masturbating to it. I thought every guy my age did that, so I never saw it as a problem.
It was not until I went to college and started to grow in my faith that I realized how far down the rabbit hole I had gotten. Still images had turned to videos, which then turned to a desire for having sexual conversations with other women. I got out of a relationship that meant the world to me when I was 18. I truly loved this girl, and for reasons on both of our ends we broke each others hearts. Since then I have been unable to find true intimacy again. Intimacy that has me loving a girl for her looks but also her soul and the person she is. I partly think this is due to walls I have placed up since the breakup, but also in large part due to pornography. I feel so much shame when I pursue sexting with other women I don't know. When I get in the mindset to act out nothing can stop me. I will do anything to get access to certain apps so I can fuel the addiction. It scares me to think of the things I am willing to do.
I have lived much of my life with crippling shame. As most porn addicts do. Believing I am unlovable because of what I have watched, or how I have acted out. I am DONE settling for less in life. I started going to counseling two years ago for porn addiction. To this day I have weekly check in's with a counselor and an accountability group that has helped immensely. I have made so many strides in my recovery in just two years. yet my relapses with acting of sexually in the form of sexting happen monthly, and this has frustrated me so much. I feel at times if I don't overcome this addiction I will never be able to love a women and become married. Which is my ultimate fear... Am I crazy to think this? Is that the shame talking? I am not sure, but I know I want to heal from this addiction that has plagued my life for so long. Like I said, I go to counseling, have an accountability group, have covenant eyes on my computer, have screen time locks on my phone that I don't have the password to, yet I am continuing to have trouble getting long monthly stretches of sobriety. Help, support and community through this forum board are what I need. So today I am taking the step to start recording my recovery everyday.
This post acts as not only my journal, but also a call to others out there who want to be in community. So here goes my first step towards continuing to become the man I want to be. Heres to day 1...
"To know the road ahead, ask those coming back."
It was not until I went to college and started to grow in my faith that I realized how far down the rabbit hole I had gotten. Still images had turned to videos, which then turned to a desire for having sexual conversations with other women. I got out of a relationship that meant the world to me when I was 18. I truly loved this girl, and for reasons on both of our ends we broke each others hearts. Since then I have been unable to find true intimacy again. Intimacy that has me loving a girl for her looks but also her soul and the person she is. I partly think this is due to walls I have placed up since the breakup, but also in large part due to pornography. I feel so much shame when I pursue sexting with other women I don't know. When I get in the mindset to act out nothing can stop me. I will do anything to get access to certain apps so I can fuel the addiction. It scares me to think of the things I am willing to do.
I have lived much of my life with crippling shame. As most porn addicts do. Believing I am unlovable because of what I have watched, or how I have acted out. I am DONE settling for less in life. I started going to counseling two years ago for porn addiction. To this day I have weekly check in's with a counselor and an accountability group that has helped immensely. I have made so many strides in my recovery in just two years. yet my relapses with acting of sexually in the form of sexting happen monthly, and this has frustrated me so much. I feel at times if I don't overcome this addiction I will never be able to love a women and become married. Which is my ultimate fear... Am I crazy to think this? Is that the shame talking? I am not sure, but I know I want to heal from this addiction that has plagued my life for so long. Like I said, I go to counseling, have an accountability group, have covenant eyes on my computer, have screen time locks on my phone that I don't have the password to, yet I am continuing to have trouble getting long monthly stretches of sobriety. Help, support and community through this forum board are what I need. So today I am taking the step to start recording my recovery everyday.
This post acts as not only my journal, but also a call to others out there who want to be in community. So here goes my first step towards continuing to become the man I want to be. Heres to day 1...
"To know the road ahead, ask those coming back."