Journals > Ages 40 and up

quit for good

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joepanic:
Sun is shining its a bit warmer and I seem to be in a good groove these days   getting things done  mind is in the right place   A bit anxious about work  but than I am every year at this time   As a seasonal worker from mid March till Christmas every year  I find there is never a guarantee I will be back.  Something I will have to live with for perhaps another 7 years and I hope to call it a day.  Our own business is growing quite nicely  and if push came to shove on the job front I could  possibly retire sooner  I just dont want to yet
  This is something again that used to be a trigger for me  for porn use  but  not anymore   another improvement I suppose   Its all in the confidence thing and mine has grown slowly.  I just wish it would grow a little more  perhaps in time

    Post often it helps me it helps you 

joepanic:
Having done some reading of others journals this morning   one struck me as sounding pretty familiar and I basically responded with this. Its pretty much  an idea of a tactic that I used that perhaps anyone  new or seasoned in this fight could use

     I think we all go through those thoughts of "is this really the end of something that has been such a huge part of my life?" .  I have read that all addicts of every sort go through that. Its almost like the concept of being institutionalized.  Like those who spend 30 years in jail  They cant live on the outside.  For me  I think that was one of the toughest things to get past. Over a 3 year period I slowly began to experiment with things that I knew were going to be 100% successful.  Learned to change a shower tap. I learned to create a basic  Excel spreadsheet. As time went on and my confidence grew I attempted  more things.  This gave me something more to think about.  At the same time I began to work on my health.  Lost weight  and learned how the human body works.  I think the key to success is  to be able to replace those old thoughts with new ones.

    Cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you

Phineas 808:
That's certainly helpful, as I can relate to the line of thought.

Comparing it to being institutionalized makes sense. Now we're 'on our own' emotionally, as it were, and learning how to deal with life in its raw and sometimes ugly forms, without running to hide behind P/MO. Also, learning how to cut this thing lose, not only as a former habit, but as to emphasize the former part, that it is indeed over in our lives.

Very helpful posts, Joe!

LetItGoAlready:

--- Quote ---I think we all go through those thoughts of "is this really the end of something that has been such a huge part of my life?"
--- End quote ---

Yeah, those thoughts have been crossing my mind a lot lately.  Even as I've started to make more substantial gains in recovery, I still occasionally give in to feelings of self-doubt. It's just hard to believe that I can truly move on from something I've been dependent on for so long. The pain I've caused myself and others, the constant emotional ups and downs, the shame and loneliness I felt because of it - I somehow grew accustomed to all of that and it eventually became a very large and formidable mental prison.

It's really inspiring to hear how you escaped that prison (or institution) by setting yourself up for success and growing your confidence to attempt more things. Thanks for sharing, jp!

joepanic:
Thanks for the insight Letitgo.

     Its funny how sometimes I can go a few days and my "porn history" never enters my mind. Which to me is a really big thing.  But other times the thought that I was a porn addict  just hangs around.  I suppose it is what it is.  I just try to put it out of my mind and move forward.  Another  improvement I noticed today was  how a certain trigger is not  affecting me anymore like it used to  Again  touchy subject....   I find my wife's control issues frustrating sometimes.  Its a mild manipulative sort of thing and there were times when I was  alone  and thought  about  her in regards to that issue  , very often it led me to porn.  Well today my thoughts drifted in that direction and  than onto how I used to medicate that issue with a porn binge.  And I thought to myself   wow  I have grown  or gained strength to not let myself  be defeated  this way.  Only issue is I havent found another way to work around that issue  I suppose maybe that will come in time.

     Post often it helps me it helps you

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