Journals > Ages 30-39

A Better Tomorrow

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August 4, 2019 - Day 5

Urges: The urges definitely ballooned up today. I was feeling high levels of fear, anxiety, and helplessness (due to thoughts of my upcoming job transition and uncertainty about the future), and my body wanted a release from this torturous agony so badly. They were pounding on me internally, beseeching me for some way out, and they tried their best to turn the PMO faucet on. Thankfully, I once again nipped them in the bud, though I did have a few instances of me indulging in a fantasy for a second or two, but there were no instances longer than that. Today has been so draining and exhausting. I really hope tomorrow feels a little better.

Emotions: As I mentioned above, I felt high levels of fear, anxiety, and helplessness today. While this was caused by my current circumstances, I do wonder how much (if any of this) was caused by my body throwing a tantrum because it couldn’t get any dopamine.

Cognition: Verbal fluency and brain fog were in the gutter (but this may be due in part to the fact that I couldn’t fall asleep last night and was pretty sleep-deprived).

Pain: A little bit of a dry sticking with a burning sensation, but nothing too noticeable.

August 5, 2019 - Day 6

Urges: I woke up in the middle of last night (after I had already posted my entry for the fourth), half awake but totally engulfed in fear and anxiety with intense urges on top of them. Unfortunately, since I was half awake, my guard was down and I did indulge in fantasy for about 15-20 minutes (the overwhelming fear and anxiety didn’t help), but thankfully I was able to put my urges in the background, and, eventually, I was able to fall asleep again. This led to yet another night of inadequate sleep (I hope this isn’t going to start forming a pattern). The first 2-3 hours I was awake, I did fantasize a little and was occasionally sticking my hands into my shorts to kind of flick my penis from its base, but I took another nap, and after that I had my fantasies pretty much under control for the rest of the day. I feel like today was the first day that I didn’t have a great response to my urges, but at the same time, the fact that I made it through the monstrous urges that hit me in the middle of the night feels like a miracle. It is a great relief knowing I made it through that hellacious ride.

Emotions: As mentioned above, I felt strong fear and anxiety in the middle of the night. These were still present after waking up, but they weren’t as strong. They lingered in the background throughout the day, but I got some important time-consuming errands done (I went to immigrations to get the ball rolling on extending my visa, which should buy me a bit of time) without procrastinating them, so that felt somewhat rewarding.

Cognition: Verbal fluency was mediocre, but not terrible. Some difficulty focusing, some difficulties with memory, some haziness, etc. Overall I felt impaired but not terribly so. The same could be said about my social interactions. I think I was overall pleasant and communicative but a bit awkward as well.

Pain: A bit of that dry, burning pain again, but I probably irritated it a little when I was doing the abovementioned flicking here and there after waking up. The strong urges may have also stimulated my shaft a bit, so this may have added to the discomfort. It wasn’t too noticeable for the most part though.

August 6, 2019 - Day 7

Urges: Because I unwittingly fantasized the night before, and thus broke my streak of essentially no fantasizing, I found it was a little more difficult to completely avoid fantasies today. They weren’t terrible, and I don’t think I overindulged, but I noticed myself having slightly extended fantasies here and there. Thankfully they weren’t excessively sexual. Overall, urges were medium strength and not frequent. I think today was fine, but I hope that I am back to nipping them in the bud when they appear tomorrow.

Emotions: Anxiety was there as an undercurrent throughout the day, but thankfully the fear I have been experiencing recently wasn’t very present. I did have a pocket during the day where I felt like everything was bleak and pointless, but I was able to bounce back and get a lot of tasks done (I spoke with an employment agency representative who introduced me to a couple of available positions, shopped for some clothes, submitted the remaining documents for my visa extension, and got my first physical in over three years).

Cognition: Verbal fluency felt better but still impaired, the same with memory. Thinking felt slow at times, with a bit of haziness in the background.

Pain: Slight aching here and there, but overall not very noticeable. It is nice that this is grabbing my attention and distracting me less.

August 7, 2019 - Day 8

Urges: I had some moderate urges throughout the day. Indulged a little here and there, but I kept them at arm’s length for the most part, which is great, but I really want to push fantasizing as close to zero as possible. I think limiting dopamine spikes as much as possible will help me recover faster. Today is a minor milestone for me because I looked at porn for a little on the same day of my last streak (about 4 weeks 6 days, ended about two months ago), so compared to that I am already doing better, with no intentional searching for erotic content and very limited fantasy.

Emotions: Felt a bit amped up after work started, later began feeling moderate anxiety, and after that a bit of depression and worthlessness. After getting back home from work, I felt some moderate anxiety and helplessness.

Cognition: At the start of the workday, verbal fluency was alright, but after an hour or so in, it started dropping, and it plummeted during the second half of the day. This was really disheartening for me. I feel that the same thing was happening simultaneously with memory, thinking speed, and thought haziness. The effect this addiction has on brain fog and verbal fluency is really crippling. It makes me feel like I am defective, and it’s extremely hard to cope with at times.

Pain: Very minor today. I feel like I am seeing the quickest improvement in this area.

I like the format of your journal.  It's easy to see what you care about and how you're doing.  That said, keep it up man!

Speaking two languages fluently is difficult.  Sometimes you just have to accept that you won't be perfect.  Don't let -good- be the enemy of perfect in that regard.  Your native language is always a bit easier to hear and speak.


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