Journals > Ages 30-39

A Better Tomorrow

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NewStart04:
Pdub

Thanks for stopping by. Not sure if you remember me, but long time no chat. Part of me was hoping that you beat me to the punch, overcame this addiction, and moved on to the next life challenge. But at the same time, I'm glad that you're here. It signals to me that you recognize you have a problem and that you're working on ways to resolve it. I hope your last time truly is your last time, but if it isn't, that just means there's more room for improvement. Best of luck with your journey, and I hope you have some beautiful scenery in store for you along the way.

Also, thank you for the kind words. I think my thread has morphed into many different things since I first started it, but the most important thing is that it is contributing to my recovery efforts. But if I'm lucky enough to add a dash of inspiration to anyone reading, that's even better!

To anyone else reading this: I still think that it is worth a shot to take things seriously from the get go and aim for successfully navigating recovery on your first/first few tries. I think it is possible for some people, and I don't want anyone reading my journal to think that my experience means you too will have to go through a protracted struggle. But if you find yourself in the same rut for too long, I think it's important to use the laboratory of your life to come up with different/refined approaches to overcoming your porn addiction (and/or your porn-induced sexual dysfunctions).

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Update:

I'm maintaining. Still no progress with The Economist or the panel show. I did read today's unit in History of The World Map by Map, but it was just the customary intro to the section (in this case, the modern world). I also managed to squeeze in a visit to my ISP and schedule a visitation from a technician for the day after tomorrow. I was trying to resolve this on my own (i.e. DIY), but I hit a snag at one point and didn't know how to proceed. Either way, I'm working on getting this done instead of putting it off, which is nice.

Haven't cleaned my system unit yet. Maybe I'll aim for doing it this weekend? Should at the very least prove to be an interesting experience. The lentil experiment I mentioned yesterday worked out fine. Perhaps a little dryer than they should be? Hard to say as I never really ate them much. I threw some garlic and thyme in there, but I'm not sure if I should adjust the amounts. That's something I can think about next time.

What else? Well my dental appointment is three days from now. Finally! And then I am hitting up another beautiful natural spot on Saturday. It'll probably be a daylong affair again, but hey, I'm grateful to be given another opportunity to spend some legitimate time in nature.

Take care

NewStart04:
Relapsed to porn. Duration was pretty short, not much content viewed. Feel ok overall.

NewStart04:
So, while probably boring for most, I've made progress in a few areas.

First, I picked up speed with my current events reading and might soon be back to normal. More specifically, I finished the previous issue of The Economist and have read about a third of the current one. This means there is a solid chance of me finishing it before the next one arrives, which is a good sign that this habit/hobby may indeed be sticking. The non-fiction book part of the hobby has remained where I left it however. Once I've gotten caught up with my current events reading, I hope to pick the books up again, but I am not sure if I should go back and forth between the two like before, or just finish off the rest of one and then do the same for the other. No need to figure that out now. I have time to decide.

I watched another film this week. This time, it was Ridley Scott's version of Robin Hood, starring Russell Crowe, Cate Blanchett and Oscar Isaac. While I knew Blanchett is an Antipodean, I didn't know that Crowe is as well. I know this is basically trivia, but it was interesting for me to learn nonetheless. I think I enjoyed some of the cinematography for the action scenes with the archers, though Robin Hood being the promulgator of a charter of rights was a bit of a stretch for me. But if anyone reading liked that, then I understand. I'm not trying to be a hater. If I have time to watch another movie this weekend, I'll try to watch Scorsese's New York Stories. If not, then I'll aim for next week.

I also finally got around to finishing the final episode of the Japanese panel show I've mentioned in previous posts. It feels nice to be done and finished. I turned the Japanese subtitles on and performed a shadowing exercise with the narrator, though I felt a little strange doing so. But I really don't have many chances to use the language, particularly the spoken component. Maybe I should look into one of those online language services and find a native speaker to periodically chat with, thought that will have to wait for now.

I've also been maintaining with the History of the World Map by Map reading. The last few sections covered World War I, and today's was about the Russian Revolution. Brings me back to my high school history classes.

Unfortunately, the visitation from my ISP's technician was a waste of time. I'm going to have to reach out to an electrician and basically have some holes cut in the drywall and a cable snaked through. I did receive a splitter with more ends then our current one from the technician, so at least there's that. I'll have to poke around and see what I can work out next week.

I did get around to cleaning the inside of my system unit...but I have to admit that I wasn't as careful as I should have been and there are now problems with the computer. I have mixed feelings about this. I have always wanted to open up a computer and familiarize myself with its hardware and the layout of the components, and cleaning the inside was the perfect excuse for that. Plus, while I encountered various difficulties and made some mistakes, I know more about computers now and have a better idea about how to clean, maintain, and even upgrade it in the future. But I ultimately created more problems and will possibly lose both time and money, both of which could have been avoided. This train-wreck was actually directly connected to my last relapse. But I did keep it pretty under control, and in some ways this whole experience might be a nice stepping stone to further recovery: the situation is what it is, and if I can just deal with it normally and to the best of my current abilities, it'll be a nice example of using setbacks and difficulties as a vehicle for growth instead of as an excuse to further act out. But that'll have to wait until next week. For now, I'll have to use my old, somewhat dysfunctional laptop instead of my desktop. Hopefully, it tides me over until I can resolve my technical difficulties.

On a brighter note, I finally got in to see the dentist. I was relieved to hear that I don't have any cavities, and the cleaning surprisingly removed a lot of the staining from my teeth. I haven't had any deep cleaning in over a decade though, so I decided to follow through with their recommendation to have it done. That too will have to be left for next week, as the office is closed for the weekend, and I will have to get a covid test showing I'm negative within seven days of the appointment. I also bought my first ever electric toothbrush. This should help further boost the efficacy of my oral hygiene habits.

Lastly, I am heading out on my weekly expedition tomorrow. This time around, I am heading to Uvas Canyon County Park, and once again I will try to share some photographs. I borrowed some binoculars and a magnifying glass from someone, so maybe I'll sight some interesting bird species or check out some of the local flora in detail. It might rain tomorrow though, but oh well.

That's it for today. Hope everyone is doing what they can to gain whatever recovery footholds are available.

NewStart04:
Update:

The ship is still sailing, and the waters are getting rockier.

So, with time on my hands, I watch the above-mentioned New York Stories as well as another film called After Hours. Wasn't much a fan of the first film, but the second proved to be pretty entertaining for me. Aside from that, I haven't watched anything else in the entertainment category, but I did watch Noah Church's newest video on YouTube, titled Will Porn Use Destroy Our Marriage? Check it out if you have the time (≈ 18m) and the inclination.

As always, I've kept up with History of the World Map by Map. Yesterday's section was about the rise of extremism in Europe post WWI (Mussolini, Hitler, and Franco), whereas today's was about the collapse of some of the then contemporary powers (the Russian, Ottoman and Austro-Hungarian empires) and the formation of new sovereign entities (the Baltic States, Yugoslavia, Poland, etc.).

The next issue of The Economist arrived, but I only finished the second third of the current (now previous) issue. I'm lagging a bit behind my expectation, but hope to be back on track by the end of the next issue. Only time will tell.

It's the weekend, so I haven't made any progress with my desktop's issues, getting an additional cable installed in my computer room, or scheduling further appointments with my dentist. Tomorrow should be the day (for some type of progress at least, assuming time allows for it).

A new series was added to the meditation app I use, which is nice because I have listened to over 95% of the content available. I'm aware that there are plenty of ways to meditate without an app or guided meditations, but it's nice to be exposed to new content and new ways of thinking from time to time to mix things up a bit or give myself an additional perspective on how I practice.

I have still yet to go over the manual for my new (and first-ever) electric toothbrush. I'll either do that before going to bed or peruse it tomorrow.

That's it for today. To anyone reading, keep on learning, growing, and improving. Both to ultimately conquer this addiction as well as live a fuller, more substantive life.

Take care

NewStart04:
Update:

I somehow managed to finish off the previous issue of The Economist as well as read about a quarter of the current issue. Today’s topic in History of the World Map by Map covered the Great Depression: its origin and impact in the United States, as well as its ripple effect on the economies of various nations across the globe.

I’ve watched a lot of content recently, so I didn’t have much energy (or time, or inclination) to watch anything today. Maybe I will watch another movie sometime this week. It'll either be one of the remaining Scott or Scorsese movies I haven't seen from their (directorial) filmographies: Thelma & Louise, A Good Year, and American Gangster for Scott, and New York, New York and Kundun for Scorsese. The only other one I have on my "list" is the last movie Tarantino made, which I have yet to see, called Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.

The electric toothbrush I purchased a few days ago was just sitting around, so I unboxed it, read through the manual, and will use it for the first time this evening. Silly though it may sound, I have never used one before, so I am mildly excited to try it out. I also was able to get a hold of someone at the dentist’s office to schedule an appointment for deep cleaning, but things are so booked that it’s going to be in two months. Glad it’s booked, but I also need to schedule a covid test that will yield results within a week of the appointment. I’ll try and handle that tomorrow if I have the time.

Since my desktop is still out of commission, I decided to organize, update and reconfigure my older, somewhat dysfunctional laptop that I am currently forced to use. If I had to give a percentage, I’d say I’ve done about 80-90% of the work. I’ll finish the rest of that off tomorrow.

Another (minor) feather in my cap of productivity: I reached out to an electrician about installing a cable outlet in my computer room to enable me to directly connect the gateway for my internet to my computer via ethernet (for better internet speed). I’m hoping for a callback or email tomorrow, but if I receive nothing, I’ll try one of the other two options I found on the internet that are local and have good ratings calculated from a reasonable number of reviews. But hopefully the particular one I contacted gets back to me. His company has an average 4.5/5 out of a hundred + reviews, which is a good sign.

Another little nice (but boring) note: I was planning on going food shopping tomorrow, but there was an opening in my schedule today, so I decided, "let’s do it" and got it over with (while driving to and from the supermarket, I listened to some of the new content on the meditation app I regularly use). Anyway, one less thing to do tomorrow.

One of my friend’s has someone close to them who has been sick for a little while now and is concerned that person may have been infected by covid, so I took a minute to send a message to him to ask how things are going for both him and his partner. Not sure what it’s worth, but hopefully it’s worth something. There are also two people I know who—courtesy of the grapevine—are both pregnant. So I decided to open up a little more time to congratulate the two of them. I also recommended a book to another friend, who apparently really thought it was great. Glad I was of some use there.

If I’m lucky tomorrow, I’ll have a chance to check a few things within my desktop and, if I am insanely lucky, I’ll be able to troubleshoot and resolve the problem…but probably not. Worth a shot though.

I think I’ve wanted to speak more specifically about my reduction habits for a little while now, but I suppose that’ll have to wait for a future post. Suffice it to say, I have enough data now that show me how far my reduction efforts have taken me. Change is indeed possible.

Take care

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