Aiming to kick this addiction once and for all.

jj27_

New Member
Hey all,

I'm a new user here. I'm comforted to see so many are going through similar problems and that I am not alone in this battle. I want to kick this addiction once and for all, below is my story.

I started using porn when I was 16 at the end of high school, at this time it was new and exciting and I would happily watch it unaware of the problems it would bring later in life, when I was at college at the age of 17/18 I was watching it 3 times a day and this pattern continued for almost a year. Jump a few years to when I was at University and I would regularly binge for hours in my room thriving off the privacy and constant searching, opening new tabs, finding new videos etc. After Uni I returned home, still frequently using porn. What I wasn't aware of was the effect this was all having on me, my relationships, I experienced ED with several partners, unaware it was linked to the porn. I have tried to replicate what I have watched online in reality and expected any intimacy I had to be just like what I'd seen online, this was not the case and as such I ghosted partners because my expectations had not been met. In 2019 I met my current partner, around this time I wanted to end my porn usage I blocked it on my laptop, but how little aware I was of how difficult this would prove. I could not let go of this addiction and wanted to find new material. Since 2019 I have found my binging spiral, to using Reddit forums, Twitter, TikTok all to find material to watch and masturbate to. Jump two years to now and I am still trying to curb my addiction.
I am concerned of the long term effects this is having on me and am fully aware of the feelings it brings; social anxiety, depression, brain fog, inability to concentrate, lack of enthusiasm, I have little to no self confidence and empathy towards myself. Pornography has had a massive impact on my life, holding me back from progressing, getting jobs, earning money. I have lost contact with good friends. Recently I have started having counselling to help me with my addiction and whilst this is proving very beneficial and giving my tips to help quit I am unfortunately still fighting this battle.

I hope someone reads this and it would be comforting if anyone should comment. I will post on here with my feelings, my state, whether I have any urges etc. This is a great website and it is a boost to help me on my journey. All the best to you all.

Thank you.
 

jj27_

New Member
Day 1.


Binged earlier today on and off for several hours until I finally caved in. Immediately regretted this and my brain just felt heavy and crushed due to the overload of material, I expect to experience the negative feelings in the coming hours, days and it will take time to recover from this. It's never worth it and when spending time on PMO I am missing out on other experiences. E.g; today here it is a bright spring day, blue skies. I'll report on how I feel tomorrow in the aftermath.
 
Hey JJ27, thanks for sharing your story. Many guys cut the head of the dragon off (blocking porn sites) but find other ways around that to fill the need their addiction is giving them. I have been in that stage for almost two years myself.

The last thing you want to do is shame yourself, and I know that is going to be difficult because every guy on this forum has become a master shame artist. We feel bad about what we do so we hold ourselves in this false purgatory until we have a stretch of sobriety that we can be proud, thus giving us permission to be happy. Don't do that!! Remind yourself that recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. You are actively doing things to become better everyday. Learning more and more about why you act out.

I am in this journey with you! Keep kicking ass and reminding yourself of the man you want to be.
 

jj27_

New Member
Friday,
Relapse
I can't even shrug off the urges - I just give in without even considering the consequences/setback.
I was trying to quit exactly a year ago, I don't feel like I've gained any ground in beating this at times. My appearance looks haggard, my skins doesn't look great either.
 

jj27_

New Member
Update, had been progressing well, and on some days had turned the day in my favour, felt good, but didn't reward myself which I should have done.

Unfortunately I've just relapsed, empty house, alone - I could have done so much more to prevent myself.
 
I can relate to you a lot on the negative affects porn has given you. Social anxiety, depression, pied all that crap....its really tough to know what porn causes and still relapsing and regretting it. I've done it so many times it got so exhausting for me. Back in 2015, I noticed a behavior change in myself. I started to isolate, lose contact with friends, didnt want to see anyone face to face. I started watching crazy weird porn from that year up until like 2019. Ever since then I noticed I had social anxiety and at a terrible level. It made me so shy, and awkward. I couldn't make any friends at any job, didnt want to talk to anyone, not even family. I still struggle with all this. Up until 2018 and now I started my journey with nofap and no porn. I relapsed so many times but gradually less and less up until now. I relapsed 3 or 4 times this year. Dude, I'm sick of restarting. In the past 3 weeks I only had 1 wet dream which is a good sign. I've only ever lasted max like 3 weeks and would relapse. My goal is 90 days and what helps me stay focused to get there is...

Reminding myself how I'm going to feel if I relapse, reminding myself how much longer it will take to reboot my brain if I keep relapsing, reminding myself the only way I'll be able to connect with people and have intimate sex with a girl is to not watch porn and masturbate.

If you keep reminding yourself of your goals and what you want to improve on, it'll help you stay consistant. Dont worry about if you slip, dont let it control your thoughts. Just remember what you truly want in your life and it'll help you get there. I never thought journaling would help, I mainly did will power. So grab a journal, every single morning, write down what your goals are for the day and keep it simple. Do them. Keep busy. Mine everyday are 100 pushups, gym, and to not fantasize. You want to keep from thinking sexual thoughts. The more you tell yourself, I cant wait to rewire my brain and be back to normal, you will get there. In 3 months I will be 90 days free of it. And in 12 years, that'll be the longest I ever lasted without jacking off and watching porn. I'm 25. I NEED TO CHANGE, YOU NEED TO CHANGE. Let me know if you need a partner to keep in touch with brother. I'm basically doing this alone but i learned a few things that helps me stay motivated. I'm also speaking to a therapist for my anxiety around people.

Oh ya, and some other stuff that is going to help, remove instagram. Or just dont use it for a while. Too many triggers there, I only have snapchat but just to talk to friends. What you want out of all this, is to CONNECT with another person. Guy or girl. Not just sex. It's not really satisfying to just think of getting sex with a girl and not bonding with them. That's what hookers are for. And it's almost sad. I miss, so much, the feeling of making a girl laugh and like me just by being myself. Gradually building up that connection and sex and intimacy becomes more satisfying. That's what my mind was always thinking. Just sex and sexual acts with pretty much any female I saw. Even ugly ones lol. It was ridiculous for me. Fantasizing at work, how i could have sex with a girl at work and like it was just out of hand. But i never even spoke to these girls. I was too shy and weird. Porn really fucked me up. So find your triggers and eliminate them too. Dopamine detox.
 
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