Getting my life back

Hi,

I am a religious Jew, 31 years old, married and have 2 great kids.

I first viewed porn when I was 12 years old when one of my siblings showed me something I had no idea about. Since then its pretty much been a sown hill battle. Being a religious Jew, I found this incredibly tough as there is no one I felt I could speak to about this issue. I know that I've felt guilty about it. I managed to find an accountability partner whom I know, but that fell away a few months ago - it was too hard for me to keep telling him of my failure even though I know he only wants me to succeed.

I've always been a pretty "happy go lucky kind of person" but found that this is changing and I dont like it. I get mad at my kids all the time, haven't had or even wanted sex with my wife in ages. I've managed to go more than 3 months without porn for a while, but I think it was more out of "avoidance" than an actual decision not to engage again... if that makes sense. I am part of a jewish group similar to this one (but with a different angle - called guard your eyes) but the scientific side on this site really makes a lot of sense to me.

I'm here because I feel most of the symptoms discussed on the yourbrainonporn site, I feel I have no energy where I used to have tons. I have no motivation for anything, my career has sloped, though I just started a business with a friend - but I feel like I add very little value, suffer from low self esteem and confidence, struggle to connect with people like I used to, low libido and pretty much want to be alone alot and do my own thing. I WANT MY LIFE BACK, so here I am.

As I write this, I am on my 4th day of no PMO and feel pretty good about it, but I want more than just avoidance. I want to spend my time connecting with my wife, friends and family. I want the passion back in my marriage. I want more intimacy with my wife, but afraid that I dont even know what that really looks like. I'm looking forward to the journey though I know its going to be a tough one - what keeps me going is that I know there is more to life and happy to be going for that as my goal

I'm looking for an accountability partner here, so if you need one, please PM me.

10 Jan 2017 - Day: 0

Well, I had a good run, I have been clean for about four days (the longest) in a while. I've had time where I could go for extended periods, but I guess I wasn't actually ready to stop, or just allowed myself to jump back on the bandwagon. That's the tricky part of this journey, as they say, Once an addict always an addict.

The new pathways and a rebooted brain are great, and as long as we keep up the work, we'll be okay, but the old paths don't "just go away" they are very much there, we just don't use them anymore.... Just like an abandoned roadside.... It's not in use.

Well, I refuse to allow this habit to continue to control me. I read a post this am, not sure which one, but came to realise that pain is not permanent, and if we can learn to "love the pain of difficulty and change our approach from avoidance to acceptance and embrace it, it offers a tonne of value that is hidden... Just like a precious Gem, beyond the pain is something beautiful and I prefer that than the layer of crap that covers it.

Here's to starting again

You said it there man. As long as we keep up the good work. Recovery's a continual daily process which sometimes can be hard, especially in the beginning but with great rewards. We've all relapsed at some point. It's about how quick you can pick yourself up and go for it again.

Keep strong Brother.

Day 1: 11 Jan 2017

Thanks Mikel for the comment and support. It's not a straightforward journey, but there is a lot to grow from the challenge, so taking it in my stride.

I joined this group and forum with a few days under my belt already. After the four-day high and then a relapse, I came back yesterday and started my reboot again.

Quick thoughts about my day yesterday, I felt fine, no cravings or need to look at anything.  My day went pretty well at work and managed to get a good run in the afternoon. The run definitely helps a lot with mood and energy.

I had a big dinner (thanks to the fantastic misses) but felt sluggish and tired after that. I ended up watching some movie - nothing sexual, just a good old sci-fi action. I had been given some books on leadership and coaching and decided like the progress for overcoming the problem, take one step at a time so started reading a book on goals, which I'll continue with tonight (maybe skip the movie - but will see.)

So far today has been off to a pretty good start. I managed to get to my prayers and did a bit of studying. Dropped the kids at school. Had an issue with our internet at work but found that I'm avoiding getting cracking at some work that needs my attention.

Until tomorrow, be strong!

13 Jan 2017: Day 2,3 of my reboot.

The days actually went pretty well.

I had a crazy training session yesterday morning at 5 am which is something I love doing, but it was hard.
I'm going to venture off a little and journal about some other areas of my life I'm working on at the same time, as I wanted to journal anyway, so killing two birds with one stone.

As far as PMO goes, I've been OK.I haven't had any major cravings though I have increased my anti-anxiety meds after seeing my doc this week, so will keep an eye out on that. I wasn't feeling so well last night and ended up passing out around 8 pm, my wife was busy downstairs, and when she came up, I got a second wind. I started watching a movie an got bored and ended up visiting a youtube page that's been a bad trigger for me in the past. I won't go into details, but it's not a hardcore channel, just not a great channel for someone trying to stay clear. I ended up leaving the channel and sticking to my commitment of catching myself and just breathing to seek to gain more control over my emotions and state of mind. All in all, I've been OK.

1. Spirituality: I usually pray every morning or at least committed to. Due to training, I was unable to work according to my routine and bumped into a friend of mine whom I haven't seen in a while. He's been on a destructive path, and I purposely have been avoiding him but it was nice to see him, and I told him, why I hadn't been in touch. I still keep my distance, but OK to see him again. I didn't manage to stick with my commitment as per prayers but did what I could.

Health: Food
I've been trying to work on my eating, as mostly I don't eat properly during the day. My eating isn't bad necessarily, but it's more about not eating the right foods at the right times. I also hadn't really committed to doing anything specific, so this is a good opportunity for me to assess and decide on what actions is needed. I should have an idea next week, so Ill come back to that. On that note, I had a plate of Nachos in the afternoon which didnt agree with me and ended up going home after that unable to eat supper.

Exercise: I'm doing great. I've been training (martial arts and fitness in the am's) and I've also been running - I'm now up to about 8km in just under 49 minutes. I've got a goal to run a 10KM and a 21km in the year - but that's going to be BIOG for me.

Workwise: Yesterday and the day before were OK. I've really been working on consistency and priorities which have been tough for me. I tend to get stuck into and hyper-focused on certain things which don't always yield results, so working now on ensuring that I plan for the year, set goals and then work backwards to make sure I'm on track. Its quite a weird and somewhat scary thing to do because I've been really bad at achieving goals that I've set out to do but feel comfortable now, and hopefully journaling will keep me on track. I've got an accountability group that I have to present my year plan top next week Friday so that should help me stick with it. I've started my program and should spend about an hour each day working on it. So far so good.

That's all for now, I don't want to get too bogged down but feeling good. I'm also trying to be more affectionate with my wife which has been kind of weird but satisfying at the same time. No longer hold onto the pains, failure and fears of the past.

Hey Beingpure,

Awesome work so far. I'm in a really similar position to you - religious, early 30s, with a wife and young family. I too found that (in my case the church) wasn't an open place for me to try and help my PMO addiction. I'm hoping that can change as more people of faith recognise they've got a PMO problem and realise it's okay to address this problem in their churches, synagogues, wherever they meet. I too found the scientific aspect to this site and the yourbrainonporn website so helpful in realising it wasn't just a matter of praying for forgiveness and trying again and again and again to fix the problem. There are real neurological effects of extensive PMO use and actual ways to try and reverse those habits and addictions.

I also totally relate to the hesitation in knowing how to be affectionate towards your wife - I feel like for me at least, it's the result of so many years not having to work when it comes to PMO and getting your sexual needs fullfilled really passively. I feel really bad for my wife now that I probably havent put much effort in sexually over the last few years and it felt strange trying to make an effort. She's noticed though and appreciates it so that was a real encouragement to keep showing affection and making an effort. PMO is really about what it can do for us as the user.  A marriage or partnership should be mutual and I think too often PMO skews that concept for us.

Sounds like you're doing really well though, stay strong!

Hi
Just saying hello
Read your journal and am here if you need me, if there are any tricky days or what ever
hope you are keeping up the good work?
I am trying to limit my internet time as much as possible so I will not be online more than once or twice a week on this forum
I will check your journal weekly and give as much feedback as I can

Hey guys,

Informal update as yesterday my Sabbath.

So fat keeping strong. Days 4,5

I was watching some TV last night and there was a raunchy scene which came on..I actually just skipped the scene and was quite proud. At first I did it out of guilt, and then decided that's that's actually.What i want.

I also had quite a strong urge to check out some.softer stuff online, but G-d must have been with me because my internet was playing up long enough for me to stop.
I'm reading this book on.goals at the moment and also starting to see how life.is about giving up on.the easy things that will bring pleasure now and actually.deciding.on who we want to be and actually choosing.the "harder" but more valuable and long term.rewarding things.

Sorry for.the typo's... on my phone and getting going soon. Till tomorrow.

16 Jan 2017 - day 5,6 - So back again.

Unfortunately last night I got caught up in some P subs... nothing hard and luckily no M. Today, I guess as a result of getting started I ended up wasting.time on.some harder stuff. While I'm more interested in stopping M, I realize that I must give it all up and starve the cravings as the more I give in... the harder it is to move away.

I had quite a hard hitting fact this morning, that my finances are in bad bad shape. I haven't really increased my earnings much in the past few years. My in laws are really great and heinous a lot but I can't shake this feeling that they are annoyed at me for my financial situation.

I realised also that unless something changes,I'll still be in.the same place in 5 years, 10 years, so now is the time.

I've mentioned that I'm reading this book on goals and a big part of me says give up.. you're never going to make it. You're a failure. I catch myself saying that I have so decided that I am NOT a failure. FAILURE IS ONLY TEMPORARY AND I REFUSE TI GIVE UP.

As I've been taking that anti anxiety meds,I actually can.see.the emotions also stuff coming.through and feel.more centred. I know that life, this temptation. This chAllenge is all about the long hall. It's a marathon and.Not a Sprint and.the only.way tI.win is to set goals, set myself up for.the kind of life I want to live,and then take the pain, accept it and acknowledge it and sow the seeds of a life worth lived with years but reap the rewards with joy.

I'm using the journal.to remind myself and others that I can overcome.this chAllenge.yes it's hard, and will take sacrifice. It will be painful, but I know.that I have a much bigger, joyfully, happy, focused and prosperous life ahead of me..I know to the depths of my soul that I am fitting.for a brilliant and amazing life as are all.of you on.this forum. I deserve love. I deserve connection, but I've got to work.for it.

There is much to be done, and.I hope to give feedback here about my progress. We all deserve more, bit we have to bekiev we deserve more and we have to take.the.opportunity of our suffering and use that energy to propel us forward.

Hey Beingpure,

Stay strong and keep moving forward. And don't spend too much time dwelling on any P subs you spent time with. It's so easy just to spiral back into P once you start to slip in. One thing I've really learnt is that when you either relapse with P, or spend time edging, don't spend time feeling like you failed. However long you spent clean before that mattered - whether it was one day, or one week, or one month - you were exercising your brain and making progress.

I notice you say you're more interested in giving up M than P. But I honestly thing it's P that causes the problems here, the addiction, the anxiety etc. The problems we're all experiencing with PMO addiction didn't exist to the same level when P didn't exist in it's current endless, high speed, high definition form - don't underestimate what that's doing to our brains. And don't forget that P is always a sure way to end up with PMO - even if you resist MO at first.

Anyway that's just my advice, I'm on this journey myself so if I had all the answers I wouldn't be here!

Stay strong!

Thanks again XYZ.

I agree with you fully regarding focusing on P rather than M. May have communicated my thoughts incorrectly. I definitely think.that P is the root of the problem, but just found that if I slip up, it's easier to catch myself before M.... Not sure if that makes more sense now.

I also need to make the same level of commitment stopping the P subs which is a lot easier to justify to myself. I know I want stop looking at P straight up and will stay away from it but it's so easy to ger drawn into the "lighter" stuff, but as you said... it's just out brains response to the withdrawal.

Anyway, today was actually a lot better again. I'm picking up on a pattern where day 1-4 or 5 is fine but then moving pantyhose days becomes the chAllenge. This time I'll make sure to put some extra guards up post day 4 knowing what's coming.

Structuring my day is a big help and also I'm taking Ritalin for  ADD (which I'm pretty sure is related to P and a symptom of letting my brain seek pleasure all the time) so find that taking my meds earlier on in the morning seems to help a lot too.

Another point I'm paying attention to is my lack of comprehension of certain external stimuli... ie picking up on subtle social cues from people, and also the "hidden" meaning behind what people are saying.... this could be a symptom of the ADD, but if anyone has seen any link between PMO and these pints, it would be interesting to note the progress between a reboot and these "issues".

Lastly for now, I'm watching a very specific slump in energy after work when putting my kids to sleep. I find myself passing out around 7pm until around 1030 when I normally get a second wind. It's very disturbing to my relationship with my wife and I'm trying to understand the cause and if there is any to PMO. I'm trying to pay attention to my eating and expertise and sleep routine in general on this point too. Again if anyone reading this has seen any link between PMO and certain "sluggish" or pattern like drains in energy at specific times in the day, it would be interesting to note.

Have a goo day, night and stay clean.

Could just be the withdrawals. Early days of recovery I tended to be all over the place with fatigue being one I felt. Just a thought.

Hey, yeah that makes sense I get what you meant now. And yeah, those P subs are some of the hardest but most helpful things to get rid of from our lives - they're too easy to justify using and too destructive to keep around.

Hello "Beingpure"

you asked me to comment. So I will do it.

"I first viewed porn when I was 12 years old when one of my siblings showed me something I had no idea about. Since then its pretty much been a sown hill battle. Being a religious Jew, I found this incredibly tough as there is no one I felt I could speak to about this issue. I know that I've felt guilty about it." so true - when I was young I also felt guilty about it.

" I managed to find an accountability partner whom I know, but that fell away a few months ago - it was too hard for me to keep telling him of my failure even though I know he only wants me to succeed." - a partner is a good idea but do not rely on them in your first instance. try to manage it by yourself. Otherwise you put responsibility away.


"I get mad at my kids all the time, " - that is totally unfair to your children. You should stop that immediately. They need your love.


"haven't had or even wanted sex with my wife in ages. " - seems common here. do not worry about it.

"I've managed to go more than 3 months without porn for a while, but I think it was more out of "avoidance" than an actual decision not to engage again... if that makes sense. I am part of a jewish group similar to this one (but with a different angle - called guard your eyes) but the scientific side on this site really makes a lot of sense to me." - whatever you lived without p for three months. who says you cannot do it for longer?

"I'm here because I feel most of the symptoms discussed on the yourbrainonporn site, I feel I have no energy where I used to have tons. I have no motivation for anything, my career has sloped, though I just started a business with a friend - but I feel like I add very little value, suffer from low self esteem and confidence, struggle to connect with people like I used to, low libido and pretty much want to be alone alot and do my own thing." - this is a complaining attitude. stop it.


"I WANT MY LIFE BACK, so here I am." - that is good attitude. Keep it up.

"As I write this, I am on my 4th day of no PMO and feel pretty good about it, but I want more than just avoidance. I want to spend my time connecting with my wife, friends and family. I want the passion back in my marriage. I want more intimacy with my wife, but afraid that I dont even know what that really looks like. I'm looking forward to the journey though I know its going to be a tough one - what keeps me going is that I know there is more to life and happy to be going for that as my goal " -Good motivation. But motivation alone is not enough.  Wait for the darkest moments. If you still then stick to no pm, you will have made it.

Welcome to the forum mate. This thing can be defeated, as loads of people on here have shown. Your journal is great and will be great accountability for you. Your life sounds great, it's just waiting for you to run this hard marathon, throw off these chains, and start living again. All you have to do is not do something which feels great in the moment. Pretty small sacrifice for your life and these amazing people in your life.

Again if anyone reading this has seen any link between PMO and certain "sluggish" or pattern like drains in energy at specific times in the day, it would be interesting to note.

God yes - that is the big reason I'm in this fight. PMO turns me into a piece of slug on a couch. I can hardly move. it's a vicious cycle, cos I would PMO to create some adrenaline and feel slightly more awake. but we blow our energy by the end. There's a great Nofap academy video about it - can't remember which one - there's a link below to a load of them. Mark explains that our PMO'ing is connected to our energy because we do what I just mentioned above. so start the reboot, and our energy levels, as well as our reward systems, and OUR VERY BRAINS have to go through a process of rebooting.

Take each day as it comes, you'll see the benefits when you have a long streak behind you, there'll be more of those 'proud' moments

https://www.youtube.com/user/SacredSexualityVlog/playlists

Thanks, Gazz and Tiramisu,

Appreciate the feedback. I feel very energetic when I am around people and in need of energy, but when I'm at home, I feel drained. I'm sure there are some other reasons to it and think it has to do with the feeling guilty all the time, that has to affect you in some way.

Anyway, back again and so far doing well. I can't get my tracker to work, but think I'm on day 5 or 6 now. So far since I started here, I've managed to go a 4 or 5 days and the slight fall back, but have thankfully managed to get back onto te forum and pick myself up pretty quickly which I think has been good. None of this "waiting a week or two with PMO" until I decide I've had enough again, so I'm happy with my progress.

One day at a time. One victory at a time! OVER time we'll reap the rewards. The momentum accumulates and becomes a habit just like the one we're trying to break free of, Only way healthier and better for us. What a pleasant thought!

So yesterday and today have been quite difficult.

I ended up looking again at P subs which are my biggest trigger. I felt quite down last night and bored, I could have spent the time with my misses but she was sleeping.

But here I am back again, and it seems to be getting easier and easier to jump back from a fall which is definitely a positive move in the riget direction.

Here's my commitment for removing the ttemptation.

1. I have a great app that sends a report to an accountability partner but have had to bypass it for various reasons that at the time were legit. One being able to get to this site.
I need reactivate the filter and allow this site so that at least I have filtered browsing again.

2. I'm feeling a sore throat coming on, and have a feeling that this is from my resistance to face some fears in my life. I am allowing the possibility that change is possible albeit tough.

1. Change from the perspective of giving up a life long habit of self soothing.
2. Change and the fear of having to.go out and sell our product our new business offering. I'm quivering with the fear of rejection and this normally leads to a sore throat. My body's way I guess of resisting change.

Now that I have a better understanding of what the addiction is... I rrealise that for the first time that I've been avoiding real-life and the ups and downs, joys and sadness. I've been so totally obsessed with my fantasy that I've ignored the real world and it's catching up to me, and that's terrifying but accelerating at the same time. It means I now have the awareness of dealing with my stuff. Owning my fears, taking responsibility.

By committing to abstaining.from PMO, doesn't matter how long, I'm.finally giving.myself a chance and the permission to tackle life's problems,knowing that it's hard but that's it's possible. Knowing that I have support and that I'm not the only one going through this. Knowing that today may be tough but there is promise for a better tomorrow. A better next year and an even better following year. Sure it may be touch and challenging and stressful and painful but it will be worth it.

For me the best part of this is knowing that today my life may not be where I want it to be, in fact ira pretty far and right now I'm struggling to see a way out, but like this challenge, there an answer and a way to.love forward to something better. I'm ready tI take on the cchallenge.

Stop thinking about porn. If you want to watch it, go ahead! More important: Think about your life Goals. What do you envision? What do you want to do with your life? Porn is only giving us an excuse not to think about life!!!

Do whatever you have to do to get 3 weeks under your belt. Then your rational brain will be more in control. Right now you're fighting yourself, which a lot of us here have done for year. Knowing your WHY is important. why do you want to give up p? Keep that WHY burning bright in your mind

Hi all,

Just popping in. I get tremendous amount of inspiration to continue when I journal what's going on for me.

Right now,I'm feeling fluy. I mentioned this yesterday.my throat is sore and nose is stuffy. I'm trying to focus on being pro active and not concern myself too much with feeling crappy.

While.in writing, I'm a a bit anxious about zone.sales calls I need to make, but had a Great run this am, so just keep the momentum.

I still need apply the filter into my phone which will be a big help.

I want to head to the gym, they have a fresh fruit juice store there and have aa great mixture called a flu shot - all natural which I'll try to boost my immune system.

I've got some calls to make, so will get through what I.committed myself to - this is really a big theme in my life,so happy to have the work to do.

I'll pop in later to check on and update.

Hope all is well otherwise with you guys.keep it up.