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Messages - mr.slurps

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Ex-edger
« on: November 15, 2020, 08:14:18 PM »
Slurps's Pearls for beginners

#4  Beg, borrow, or steal for a clean day.

Whatever it takes except lying or hurting another.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Ex-edger
« on: November 15, 2020, 08:06:05 PM »
Slurps's Pearls cont.

#3  You are not a wimp.

It doesn't matter that you "know" or "feel" you are. 

Ages 40 and up / Re: Ex-edger
« on: November 15, 2020, 07:57:21 PM »
Slurps's Pearls for Beginners:
#1  You will relapse.
Yes you!  When I began this challenge I was all gung ho, banking days.  Others had warned me but I thought "not me".

#2  Everyone's different.
Advice, 90 days, strategies, warnings (including yours truly), don't apply across the board. They are usually useful but don't bank on them.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Ex-edger
« on: November 15, 2020, 06:55:54 PM »
Hi Guys,  Thanks for not giving up on me.  I want to stay away from the pity party route. It's just that I've nearly given up on myself and feel pitiful. I pulled the rug out from under myself.
Self-examination (I'm pretty boring when you get to know me.):  Did it get too hard?  Did I get complacent?  Fear of success or failure? Just on a chemical level this addiction controls my better judgement/emotions/connection w/ reality. 
You want to know something really ironic?  (Ready or not here it comes.) I'm still arrogant. I do feel compassion for a homeless junkie.  But it's a very thin line. The only thing that separates me from him is a bunch of bricks and a roof.
You're right Rook.  At this point I can't even be around a computer. Plus I need to get healthy again.  My hamstring is finally almost healed.
How much of this post constitutes whining? 
Please continue not to give up on me.  UK you continue to amaze me.  How in the heck did you know that it would be important to me that my fall help others?

Ages 40 and up / Re: Ex-edger
« on: November 13, 2020, 06:17:06 PM »
Can you guys post a good site or page for someone in my precarious position.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Ex-edger
« on: November 13, 2020, 06:13:57 PM »
Hi Guys,  I missed you all. I am feeling a lot of shame and doubt as to my commitment.
i know I am lazy and weak. But I also know that I am capable of being better.
I'm back in all of the old grooves except watching porn videos.  Total relapse otherwise.
So UK I am going to start re-educating myself w/ the rebooting/quitting videos that gave me hope at the beginning. So as a concrete goal, I'm going to go back to watch/read that good stuff for 15mins/day.
Sincere thanks

Ages 40 and up / Re: Ex-edger
« on: November 09, 2020, 11:53:55 PM »
Shade, I want to thank you personally for dragging my sorry ass back here. I have the feeling you're a real man in every sense of the word.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Ex-edger
« on: November 09, 2020, 11:51:52 PM »
Hey Guys,  I fell flat on my face.  Day #1. Plus I'm back to square zero, or zed as the Brits say.
Falling this fast and hard is definitely not pretty. I don't have a single excuse that will hold water.
I'll take whatever help you guys can offer, in any form.  Put a candle under my ass, advice (UK has enough wisdom to go around), encouragement, beat the living crap out of me, kindness, empathy... I can use anything because I'm at my wit's end.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Covid - an inflection point?
« on: November 09, 2020, 11:42:58 PM »
Hiya Pal,  Sorry I've been gone so long man.  I feel flat on my face and I'm back at square one, wanking for hours daily. I feel drained physically, emotionally and spiritually. On the "surface" I'm doing fine-- working, getting out as much as covid allows, meditating (I owe you a debt of gratitude on that.)
You can imagine I've had every crappy emotion under the sun- shame, disappointment, frustration...
So, where to go from here?
My good head says pick up the pieces and be thankful you have the opportunity to try again. (Without having had some tragedy or hurt some body else.)
The other head says things aren't that bad. Wanking is healthy. You've got a strong sex drive...blah blah blah (lots of other nonsense.)
The bottom line is that I don't want porn in my life at all. I know I don't need it since I've gone without for stretches and felt good about it.
Sorry for sounding like Debbie Downer.  I hope you're well and still building your numbers and your family is healthy.   Mr. Slurps

Ages 40 and up / Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« on: September 22, 2020, 01:35:06 AM »
Hi Jix,  You're one of the best guys I've "met" here. You hit the nail on the head re some non-serious banter. For me the connection w/ you and others can't be fostered w/out some teasing and cynicism. Usually I like to make UK the butt but but but... hahaha
I'm hoping your streak keeps going pal.
Many moons ago I went on a tear w/ literature crossing them off my list:  English, Russian, U.S., existential, mythological, religious... man, I hit every genre. It still reminds me how great heroes/characters faced the same challenges we do. And they flopped a lot. Did you know that Ghandi had issues w/ sex/abstinence/marriage? Check out his autobiography. He was making vows with himself re sex and many of us can relate.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Covid - an inflection point?
« on: September 22, 2020, 01:14:15 AM »
Hiya UK,  Man, whenever I fall off the wagon and (nearly) abandon ship I miss you and this forum. Like casting swine (me) before pearls. (That was a lousy joke but I'm not going to cut it. lol)
So man have you gotten your swagger back?
Do you make the best yorkshire pudding in the world? Even my mother's lame version was delectable.
I swear man, sometimes you are the glue that holds this leaky boat together and keeps us from sinking. (That may qualify for a Mr. Slurp's metaphorical hall of fame. hahaha)
Tomorrow, no porn for 10 days. I feel like thumbing my nose at the basterds that push the porn pills.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Ex-edger
« on: September 22, 2020, 12:48:16 AM »
Hi Guys, Day #9 no porn.  I'm worried b/c my memories/images that I use are not loving relationship sex. They are border-line pornographic. So it's a small step to sitting in front of a screen for 4 hours.
That said, I've spent less than 1/2 hour jerking off in 9 days. I can't remember when that happened last. It actually feels good to jerk off without any shame like we all did in high school.
Rook, you're right about the 5-15 day test. Since I'm not in a relationship that's when horniness would grab hold. This is where I envy you married guys' outlet even though I know you pay a price with patience, vulnerability and putting up w/ your wife's
You are not crapping around Rook! This stuff is in your face whether you look for it or not. I watched a vanilla movie on youtube re crime/law/romance- usual malarkey. Out of nowhere comes a scene I won't repeat b/c it was a huge trigger for me. I wanted to punch the screen!
Six months Rook, you are a stud-muffin. hahaha

Ages 40 and up / Re: Covid - an inflection point?
« on: September 20, 2020, 07:33:22 PM »
Hi Guys,  3rd you hit the nail on the head for my meditation practice. I do get some great insights and it helps me to stay positive and avoid anger.
UK, I felt you lost some of your confidence from circling. Pal, even knowing you only on here, you need that. Maybe do something to get yourself all pumped up. like... "I make the best damn cornbread in the entire world! I dare anyone from England to challenge me. Mine is the best!!!" (all true lol)
You know what I mean UK.  Just get your edgy balls back to fearsomeness. You may be the best pencil sharpener in the world for all I know. hahaha  I know you pretend to be humble. But you need to beat on your chest like Tarzan for a few seconds. (j/k about the humility)
You may end up in my neighborhood. Lots of people move to Phoenix b/c of arthritis. Hope you aren't being distracted too much.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Ex-edger
« on: September 20, 2020, 06:45:50 PM »
Day #8.  Hiya UK.  Your support means a lot to me. There is a distinction between release of sexual tension and emotional soothing. And I've recently got the two confused and gone into porn. So far so good.
I'm concerned that I'm really not excluding porn because some of those recollections definitely qualify.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Covid - an inflection point?
« on: September 19, 2020, 05:29:18 PM »
Hiya UK, Please excuse my annoying habit of invading your highness'es sacred space. I'm like a ghost of xmas past, a benevolent ghost that wishes well for you.(Halloween is coming.)
Besides, it is fitting that you should be burdened by my drivel since you're a large part of why I'm still here. (Thanks pal.)
Today is day #7 of no porn for me.
I've yet to look at your streak.  How many days? Feeling well? Pissed off at Ireland? (No sympathy, the sun never set on you Brits beating up the rest of the world. lol)
Still meditating?  I am.  You're not going to believe this.  I'm beginning to research a trip of a lifetime to Myanmar (Burma), Calcutta, Mandalay, Rangoon and maybe Bangkok.
In some very attenuated way I may be able to blame you. (You're encouragement to meditate leading to vids of Buddhists.)  Maybe I'll send you a bill for some portion of the $8k which is is likely to cost.
Feel free to invade my journal.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Ex-edger
« on: September 19, 2020, 05:15:09 PM »
Hiya Rook,  Today will be #7.  I've hung on by the skin of my teeth today. This threshold has been a "swing state" as they say in U.S. politics. It can easily go either way. Probably psychological b.s. (Every day is the same.)
This morning I reviewed my year (Rosh Hashanah) and among the many, many positives was this reboot adventure--unequivocally! Despite the numerous falls/relapses, I don't regret taking on this challenge. It's not been a waste of time.
Also, on a purely factual basis, I'm spending much less time on pmo.
Also, on a purely emotional basis, I've met some wonderful people like you, that have been here for me through thick and thin.  Thanks and I hope you're doing as well as you desire.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Ex-edger
« on: September 18, 2020, 05:38:17 PM »
Day #6* (no porn) Finally my hamstring and side muscles are healing. I hope you guys are well and kicking the living crap out of pmo.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Covid - an inflection point?
« on: September 18, 2020, 05:35:58 PM »
Hi Guys,  Day # 6*  Notice the asterisk, it means days without porn.  I was relapsing so much that I was going down that sink hole of escalating porn. more graphic...
I realize that this is my inflection point to use UK's word.  I would get horny at 5-6 days and relapse w/ porn.
What I'm trying is a non-orthodox approach (sorry UK).  I still masterbate but the only stimulation is images in my mind. There is an amazing benefit-- I don't edge and finish in about 5 mins and that suppresses temptation for the rest of the day.
Now I'm not saying this is a permanent solution b/c I still have the strong temptation to delve into porn. Do you guys think re-wiring/re-programming works w/ this method?
PS I set a dumb standard for myself. "Mr. Slurp you need to have a decent streak going before you go back to the forum." That's dumb and you guys should feel free to unload on me for that.

Ages 40 and up / Re: See them grow up
« on: September 06, 2020, 02:53:56 AM »
Hiya Workin,  Long time... I just happened on your journal and that great quote of yours,  "I get knocked up but I get up again"  I think I messed that up hahaha.
But seriously, I've been feeling dodgy as you Brits say, really crappy. I've been off and on relapsing for 2 months. Hopelessness, fear, and shame and a host of self-fabricated demons have visited my mind a lot.
Luckily, I chanced upon your journal and it made me proud of you and a bit hopeful. That's even lifted my spirits and made me a bit playful.  You rock!!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Ex-edger
« on: September 06, 2020, 02:30:27 AM »
Hi Leo and TheNorm,   You guys hit on something.
Day # 0.  Had 5 days clean, then as usual Friday I drink a bit too much and stay up late and Saturday I sleep in then relapse.  Of course there is always some extraneous thing to blame.  My date cancelled, my boss pissed me off...
And with Covid it's hard to just go sit and have a coffee (tea if you're a Brit lol).
So, I'm open to suggestions re what to do next Saturday.
I hope you all are well and fighting the good fight.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Ex-edger
« on: August 31, 2020, 01:21:43 AM »
Hi Shade,   Day #1.   I got another 6 day streak then relapsed for 2.  Looks like a pattern- drink Friday night, hung over, sleep late, get off rhythm, jerk off.
So I'm going to cut back to 2-3 glasses of wine and get to sleep earlier. 
Maybe if I can get a full week clean I can build on that.
How are you doing Shade?

Ages 40 and up / Re: Ex-edger
« on: August 25, 2020, 06:04:07 AM »
Hiya Rook, UK,  I got a day under my belt. Day #1.
You guys really came through for me.  I think I'll always remember your generosity.
For years I was on a cemetery committee. I know it sounds creepy but it's not.  After doing dozens of funerals:  helping the backhoe guy dig a straight hole, lower the crypt, set up around the grave, lower the casket, shovel the dirt, direct parking, etc., if you're not grieving it is almost enjoyable because you're helping others to pay respects, grieve, pray... And because it is volunteer we act with respect and don't throw cigarettes in the grave and talk during the service. (I could tell some funny stories but I won't.) 
Why did I go off on that?  It is said that that act of burying another is the greatest service because you can never be thanked for it. You guys reminded me of that by what you did.
You're right Rook, I'm not porn, there's lots more to me. I get caught up in that whirlwind of emotions- fear, disappointment, shame and frustration. Then I feel worthless.
What I'm trying to do is separate the actual addiction- unable to stop jerking off to porn- from the consequent emotions. This is a revelation for me.
When I look at the actual addiction minus all the negative emotions, it loses some of its teeth. Yeah there is still a slimy feeling because it's isolating and bad in our society, but it stops being horrific.
UK I think a lot of this is because I've been meditating. Those are negative emotions but by their very nature, they pass.
By not identifying myself as a porn addict, I am just a handsome guy that over-indulges in porn. The emotions are not "me" either. It's letting me shed some of the desperation that engenders the spiral down.
UK I feel bad that you were a tortured soul for a while. Probably a byproduct of porn addiction. I've been struggling to find something positive in my addiction but I haven't yet. (I think it may be not to judge myself or others harshly.) But with you I see a positive benefit. You've learned to trust/love another at a deeper level and have gained the courage to divulge despite shame.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Ex-edger
« on: August 24, 2020, 01:51:11 AM »
This is just a true journal entry. It is a rambling story that is peripherally related to reboot/pmo.
About 11 years ago my ex and I were in the divorce process. She read, copied and gave to her lawyer certain passages from my journals. They were humiliating although not vicious or insulting. It was out of meanness b/c it couldn't help her in an uncontested divorce.
The breach of trust (among others) was painful and stuck with me. But I've continued to journal and value it greatly. Instead of the real words I would always say "surf the net" or "waste time" and other euphemisms. It is arrogant because it assumes some body would want to read it and care. Probably there was some subconscious taint from my ex.
So, to answer my own question above, probably the best thing I did was get honest with myself and write down the words "porn addiction" many times. I stopped fudging it. This was at a very low point like now.
Maybe this can be an anchor for me to stick this out.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Ex-edger
« on: August 24, 2020, 01:21:19 AM »
Day # 0.   Hi Guys,   Warning.  This post is unfair and probably arrogant. I'm asking for caring that I don't give myself, advice that I can't give others, and asking you guys to open your ears to someone that feels like he has nothing to offer.
That's how I feel, clobbered and scared.  I'm even thinking of putting those awful words on myself like perv, weirdo, pathetic...
So, I'm asking this in sincerity, not voyeurism/entertainment. And please don't answer if you don't think it will help me or anyone else.
When you were feeling lost, dejected, hopeless, and empty after repeated relapses. What was the best and/or worst thing you've done? (This doesn't have to be an intentional action. It may be subconscious and only understood in retrospect.)
Again, I know this isn't being fair to you guys.  It's just that I'm feeling desperate.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Ex-edger
« on: August 23, 2020, 01:18:37 AM »
Day #0
This relapse was definitely related to my physical state (hung over and not enough sleep) and thereby being thrown off routine/equilibrium.
Now it remains to re-build and not get too disappointed.  I had 6 days and now I'll try again. 

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