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Recovery Journal

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End of the day entry:

Today was my second day of a full dopamine detox: no youtube, no TV, and obviously no porn. I felt both great and bored throughout the day. I've realized that from when I wake up to the end of my online school, I feel perfectly fine. Then I workout and feel amazing getting through a hard workout. And then I feel as if I have nothing to do. As much as I enjoy playing guitar, I feel like I've lost my passion for it. I don't know what's going on.

I think that I need to try to get through an entire week like this. Dopamine detoxing helps restore the dopamine receptors that are overly simulated by our daily "highly stimulating" activities in the modern world and getting through an entire week is extremely beneficial. If I can do this, I will not only derive pleasure and dopamine from other activities to a greater extent, but I will also be helping myself with my P addiction recovery. It may feel challenging right now, but I need to get through it because I will reap tremendous results. 

I have to remember that video games are not an option, porn is not an option, masturbation is not an option, and binging TV and WASTING my life is not an option. You only have one life, take advantage of it and become the best possible person you can be. Quarantine has given me the time to research and figure out my necessary path. I need to utilize this time effectively and stop being a disappointment to myself.

Hey anubu, that's a really great and ambitious plan! I've started to do a similar thing in removing a lot of unnecessary technology use from my life, fasting, and not eating sugary stuff. Resetting the brain's dopamine's levels helps you to appreciate the little things in life much more and to be free from attachments to unnecessary time-wasters. We're here to support you!

January 20, 2021

Hey worldlit! Yeah this is definitely an ambitious plan but I think its extremely beneficial. Im not sure if training my dopamine reward system to receive pleasure from things such as reading and working out will also help it receive pleasure from non-artificial stimulation, but I have to try it and see if it helps.

Yesterday was kind of a cheat day when it came to my dopamine detox. Only 2 days in and I already want to stop it ;/. Just shows how addicted I was to TV and video games I guess. Yesterday, I didn't't use technology at all until around 8 P.M when I watched one T.V episode and also some videos by Gary Wilson and Gabe Deem. I should have tried to stop myself from watching the TV Episode, but when I did, I immediately felt better. I guess this dopamine detox is giving me a feeling of what its like to experience withdrawal symptoms. Next time I feel like watching some TV or playing some video games, I'll tell myself that this is all in preparation for porn withdrawals, and I am one step closer from detatching my decision making from my urges. I will continue to watch Gary Wilson and Gabe Deem on youtube however as I feel that educating myself through youtube videos should be exempt from my detox.

I am already starting to feel lonely which I can attribute to the state of the pandemic in the United States. Today is the inauguration of Joe Biden, and I don't want to be political, but I feel as if this will help slow down the spread of coronavirus in the states and help everything get back to normal. For the time being, I need to push extremely hard to make sure I don't succumb to P and its urges and when things do start to open up again and I can hang out with my friends more regularly, this journey will automatically get easier.

As for my dick, nothing major to report for today. As expected, its pretty much lifeless and if I have to readjust it in my pants for whatever reason, there's no stimulation. When it comes to avoiding artificial stimulation I've been really good. One thing I noticed was that my friends post a lot of sexual images in our Discord platform so Im going to stop looking in the chat channels. None of them know about my problem so I don't blame them for being horny teenagers, wish I could be the same, but obviously without the images.

I read William's post yesterday about his perspective on the reboot and the guidelines one needs to enforce to be prepared. Here is my decisional balance sheet that I came up with as well as some notes I wrote about P addiction that I will read to myself daily.

- Most boys seek P at the age of 10
- Novelty is the key to arousal
  - Coolidge effect
  - Addiction causes problems , not other way around
- Dopamine --> Delta Fos B --> Alters Brain --> Creates Addiction/Pathways
  - Numbed pleasure response
  - Hyper - Reactivity to P
  - Will power erosion

Decisional Balance Sheet
Before I Watch P:
- I feel possessed
- I feel obligated to masturbate
- I feel dull and indifferent to what Im doing

After I watch P:
- I feel horrible
- I feel lethargic
- I feel shame and guilt

- Broken because of P. P caused me to develop PIED. The failed sexual encounter was awkward and distanced me and my partner while also causing a loss of confidence in me.

- If my family found out about my addiction, they would feel a variety of feelings. I feel as if they would be disappointed and angry at first; they worked their butt off to get me and my brother a stable household and everything we could possibly ask for, why did I have to go and screw it up? They would also feel frantic, guilty and sad: they would blame themselves for this when in reality they were extremely loving and it was my ignorance about porn and its effects that caused this.

- P has caused me anxiety and "weirdness" --> I never felt confident about myself
- Depression exacerbated by P

- Lack of motivation --> I once skipped my coding class to go the bathroom to masturbate
- What the hell is wrong with you man? Can't you see how weird that is.

- P has caused me PIED, I don't feel an arousal towards ANY real life women, had gay thoughts because I don't feel aroused by women although I was solely attracted to women at the age of 12.

That all felt really good to right down but also makes me feel angry and sad. This is a major issue. My first goal in life right now is to recover from this addiction. When I face withdrawal symptoms, I will be HAPPY and EXCITED because I WILL NOT follow them. When urges hit, I will carry on with what Im doing and not entertain them. P IS SIMPLY NOT AN OPTION. You cannot access it. Stop thinking about it as well.

End of the day entry:

Today was boring, but I felt that it was less boring than Yesterday. I felt more of a motivation to play guitar and to read my book, but I felt less of a motivation to workout. I upheld my dopamine detox for the most part today. I watched the inauguration today on TV which made me feel entertained so I guess I got a hit of dopamine from that. I abstained from watching recreational TV, youtube, and obviously the satanic spawn that is porn. Porn is out of my life forever. I feel so healthy right now and I'm only a few days into my reboot. My dick is still lifeless but I feel so alive. My diet is impeccable, my workouts have been consistent, and I am no longer wasting my life playing video games. The common denominator: not watching porn.

Porn is simply never an option. It should be illegal. Porn is worse than cocaine or meth, why would anyone ever continue using it!?

I had some very brief flashbacks today that lasted for the most 2 seconds. They were random and I don't really want to reminisce on them as to not reinforce those imagery pathways, but they were essentially sex related but I don't know if they were p related if that makes any sense. Still though, I don't want to take the risk that I was actually thinking about real life sex, so I'm cutting it out. As I'm writing this, I actually had one of those flashbacks and I am actually pretty sure it was p related so Im not even going to bother talking about this topic anymore.

I have had a headache/head pain for the past three days. I think they are withdrawn symptoms from my abstinence from video game usage and my dopamine detox. I haven't succumbed yet which is extremely exciting; although I watched that one episode of TV yesterday, I realize that that was not OK and I am determined to not let that happen again. My brain is already changing and its wicked cool how I'm literally becoming a different person. I want to keep this up and see the "new" me when the time comes.

I really hope I get the job I applied for. It would help me stay distracted from p and also help make some friendships and connections during this lonely time. That's it for today. I am going to take this reboot one day at a time and stop focusing on end picture goals. Day to day that's the goal. Finish 24 hours. Be excited. Then finish another 24 hours. I have got this.

January 21, 2021

Today I woke up 30 minutes before I set my alarm for because I had to take a piss. When I went to the bathroom, half awake half groggy, I realized that my dick was slightly bigger than it usually was when its flacid but it was by no means erect. Is this common? When men need to urinate do their penises grow? I honestly can't remember if this happened to me before I developed PIED so im not sure.

Another day another attempt at a complete dopamine detox. No TV, no Youtube, and NEVER AGIAN ANY PORN. I just reminded myself of all of the harmful effects porn has had on my life: I feel horrid after, its broken my relationship, my family would be so sad and disappointed, the social anxiety, the lack of motivation in school, and obviously the PIED. If this filthy thing stays in my life, I won't be able to find a woman to love, get married, and have children. I need to let this sick in.

I think a big reason as to why I relapsed during my first journey was because I not only failed to detach myself from urges, but I also let my guard down and my focus in life went astray. It was no longer recovering from PIED and porn addiction, it was playing with my friends on the computer everyday and forgetting about my addiction. As much as I want to, I can't just push the addiction under the rug and expect it to go away. I have to make a consciences effort daily to combat this, not head on per se, but still to fight it.

I started watching a talk that Gary Wilson gave to some college students, or at least I think they were college students. The video is around 2 hours long and I got through around half of it yesterday. What really frustrates me is how little scientists want to accept that porn addiction is a thing. Although the studies clearly and blatantly exist and the addicts and addiction is showing its scary signs, people don't want to accept that porn can do anything harmful to us. Is society just backing porn because they think masturbation is healthy? So many of us are suffering by its hands and once I recover I am going to be adamant of my stance against it. I need to recover so that I can help others do it as well.

I did a leg workout yesterday. Maybe it was because it was legs or maybe it was because I did the workout during one of my least entertaining classes, but I did not feel that motivated throughout the workout. Lets change that for todays workout. I am going to workout once school is over and I'm going to give it 1000% effort. I can already feel my body changing both mentally and physically. Next monday, I am going to weigh my self to see how much weight I gained and make this a weekly habit.

Another thought that's been running through my head: can continuously relapsing make your brain more engrained in this cycle of addiction. The answer as many on this forum have been advocating and as I've been speculating is yes. If you're reading this, don't let this scare you, but motivate you. If you can break this cycle of relapse (going 30 days relapsing going 30 days relapsing), you will see drastic improvement through withdrawal symptoms. Again, withdrawal symptoms are exciting to me right now (im not sure if they will be in the moment), but I want to experience them so that I can actually see some progress from the reboot. Then again, porn is simply not an option so I'm bound to see improvements anyways. But I'm definitely excited to feel some urges coming on and to stop them dead in their tracks.

Porn is not an option, its truly ruined your life. Rid of it before the habit of relapsing is too engrained in your brain and before your prefrontal cortex weakens too much. Right now, p unfortunately controls my life. I want to be in the driving seat and not random pixels. Sorry not want, I need to be in the driving seat.


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