- Hello guys! I am sorry for my English, it is not my native language, however i will try to do my best. Just feel like i have to share it at this point.
Key points:- Age: 29
- Started PMO at around 10-11
- Lost my virginity at 20
- Probably one of the worst cases here due to badly escalated tastes
BACKSTORY
Long story short...I started PMO when i was probably about 10-11 when i first got exposed to the internet. Was just a kid watching porn and feeling great about it. It wasnt an issue for a couple of years until my tastes got really fkd up and i started to realise that something wrong is going on, however i kept doing PMO and had no idea that my issues are related to this. I just thought my brain was evolving in this weird way and it is what it is.
I believe i was fkd up already by the age of 16-17. Just wasnt aware of it since i had no sexual contact with a girl at that point. Always has been an introvert, mostly spending my free time playing online games and watching porn. However, at the same i have always been an active guy and was doing lots of sports (martial arts since i was 7, gym later on). That's what probably kept me from completely ruining my life doing drugs/alcohol. Suicidal thoughts has been with me for my whole life. At the age of 18 i remember i already got thoughts in my head that i might not be able to perform with a real girl. It was confusing since all my peers and friends around me at this point were active in their sexual life/had girlfriends etc. I felt defective/broken/gay/asexual. I still couldn't connect all the problems to my bad PMO habits.
My greatest depression happened at the age of 20. I was a fit, good-looking guy, with no girlfriend and no willingness to live. Also suffered from a strong OCD related to porn for about 8 months and almost killed myself in a car accident. I was desperate to find a loving partner and end this period of loneliness and misery. Started smoking lots of weed which has actually worsened my mental condition. It felt like my brain was completely out of dophamine.
At some point, i met one girl, we shared some common interests, however she was much older than me. I was 20 at that point, she was 31, good-looking and fit. I had no sexual drive towards her however we somehow ended up in my bed. As you all might figure out, my dick wasnt able to perform when we tried doing some love. After a couple of tries i finally managed to get it up and running. Not 100%, but i was still able to penetrate. We had some action for maybe 15-20 minutes but i wasn't able to ejaculate. She helped me with her hands and i had to fantasize about some weird stuff to finish. I didnt really feel much during this process, maybe a little bit excited. It didnt feel right and i was even more depressed. She was very understanding and kind and i am very grateful for that. We had some action couple more times later on during the 2-3 months, they were quite similar to the first one. I wasnt impressed and decided to stop it. The depression was real. I started doing more weed, more PMO and felt suicidal almost every day. By the way, i was still PMOing almost every single day for 2-3 times.
Thankfully, i overcame that period of my life when i met my first GF. Obviously, when we tried it for the first time my dick was limp af. I tried to explain to her that i had some performance anxiety. She was understanding and later on during that day we tried it for the 2nd time. It worked, but again, i couldn't finish without fantasies. I will not go into details about our life overall, it had some ups and downs. Eventually, i got bonded emotionally and physically to my GF and was able to have erections from touching and kissing 8/10 times we had sex. I was still doing PMO regularly, but not so often, completely unaware that it was a key to my problem. However, most of the times i still had to dream about weird things to finish. But i wask ok with that, it was a compromise for me. Worth mentioning that i got cured from my OCD and felt much better. We had sex quite regular for the first 2 years (3-8) times per week. Half of the time it even felt great and i was horny af. Then i started doing more PMO and during our last year we probably had sex once per month.
Eventually, after 6 years we broke up. Porn addiction was not the only reason to that, but probably played the major role since i started to feel indecisive, weak, not willing to live and lost all my goals and aspirings. I started PMOing again almost every day for the last 3 years. My OCD never came back though. During that period i completely lost any interest in life, lost majority of my friends, was playing video games almost all my free time (was still working out regularly since it was the only habit which was giving me any pleasure except for the PMO) I believe my addiction is the main reason hovewer not the only one. I felt completely dead, 0 emotions, no hopes for the future. I couldn't live like that. It is not about sex for me but about having a loving partner who you can trust and live with. Even when i had a GF, i still felt alone most of the time.
Half a year ago i had a random encounter with some girl from tinder (prior to 2 years without sex or relationship). I didnt like it, my dick was dead again. We tried it againg for a couple of times until i succeeded and was even able finish without any dreams. However, it felt shitty since all my negative thoughts and insecurities returned.
The turning point in my life happened not so long ago. There is a girl which i have been admiring for the last couple of years. She is the most beautiful one i've seen in my life and is completely out of my league (at least that's what i believed in). We started hanging out probably a year ago with some other friends. Later on we became friends ourselves (not really close ones, but still). I was scared to become close with her since i knew i couldn't perform and we have a close circle of contacts. I was ok with that and didn't realise she might be actually interested in me. I just enjoyed spending some time close to her with random hugs and touches. Eventually, i ended up in her bed (which i've never ever believed can happen). As you might already know, i wasn't able to fkn perform again. I told her some bs about performance anxiety and said that i am sorry and left. It was a complete disaster. Imagine being with a girl of your life and not able to please her...We agreed to forget about that incident and move on like nothing happened. But it doesn't work this way. I was completely devastated. Next week was a complete nightmare. I was constantly thinking about jumping under the train while commuting. I completely lost that light at the end of the tunnel and thought that it is just what it is. That's my fkn life and nothing will ever change.
Then i found YBOP and this website and it hit me like a fkn truck. Ofc i noticed that when i was porn-free for a couple of days my performance and libido was much better. But i've never considered porn as the main reason of my problem. I've read dozens of articles, youtube movies, succes stories. A real revelation. I decided to completely quit any artifical stimulation (absolutely no porn and masturbation) or i will just kill myself, there is absolutely no point in living for me like this. No jokes
CONCLUSION
Since then, i've been sober for 27 days now and will never return back to my old habits. I know that it is just the beginning of my new and wonderful journey. I dont care how much time and effort it might take to reach my endgoal, but i will not give up. TBH, i haven't had a single urge to PMO during the first month. Almost 0 bad thoughts. I feel so calm and focused. Much more self-confident and positive. I started to experience MV and sexuals dreams after first 2 weeks. However, i believe that having a MV is not really a sign that you brain issues have been fixed.
You might also think that my case is not that bad but believe me, it is. I just ommited some parts of the story due to their irrelevance. I now realise that i've lost so much poteintial and time of my life due to this. But it is never too late to change.
Thank you for your time guys. Keep fighting. We will overcome this addiction and return to our best lifes. I will post weekly-monthly updates on my progress.
- Hello guys! I am sorry for my English, it is not my native language, however i will try to do my best. Just feel like i have to share it at this point.