Hello everyone,
My name is Andy and I am new on here. I signed up for Reboot Nation because this week I have finally acknowledged to myself that I have a serious problem. It is a problem that I have struggled with for over four years now since 2016. I came here for help and I sit here typing all choked up with tears welling in my eyes. It is a problem that has for brief moments given me a thrill and pleasure only to be followed by a never ending feeling of dread and anxiety that many times makes my heart hurt. I am addicted to Camgirls.
It all started my senior year of college. It was December of 2016 and I was taking a break from studying for finals week. I was alone in my dorm as all my roommates were out. I was single so I didn't have a girlfriend to visit so like all 21 year old males I went onto Pornhub to relieve myself. As I was scrolling my curiosity got the better of me. At the top of the Pornhub page I clicked on the tab that read in white bold print, "LIVE CAMS." I had always noticed that tab every time I logged onto Pornhub but in the past I ignored it. But that night I decided to try something different. I clicked on the LIVE CAMS link and was greeted with a plethora of women ranging in age from 18-50+ from all over the world. All of them live on camera willing to do anything you pleased. For a single 21 year old virgin I felt I hit the jackpot.
I picked out a young woman who on her profile said she was 19 and was from Russia. She was blonde and damn I still remember she was beautiful. This was my first time doing anything like this so a mixture of excitement and foolishness raced through my mind. We entered an exclusive chat session and we both masturbated together as I talked sexy to her and she moaned and played with herself. It was weird and thrilling to me and before I knew it I had capped out my maximum spending limit of around $200! I forget the exact amount but it was around that amount. I logged off thinking this was the first and the only time I would do something like this. I thought it was one of those things you try in college and move on. For others maybe but for me I had just stepped foot into a deep rabbit hole.
A month later I was again scrolling through porn and noticed a link to another Camgirl site called Cams.com. I remembered how much I enjoyed using the camgirl a month prior so I set up an account and before I knew it I was spending hundreds of dollars on there. Camgirls from all over the world I used from Eastern and Western Europe and the USA. Never having had a girlfriend I reasoned this was the next best thing for now. In my mind I reasoned I'm not the only guy on here using these models. And so on it went for the rest of my Senior year. Before I graduated from college I had signed up for a second webcam model website called Streamate and had deleted my Cams.com account. I forget how much money I had spent at that point but it was several hundred dollars. Money I could've used elsewhere or just simply saved.
During this time I began to question the morality of what I was doing. I didn't know who these girls were and what their stories were and how they ended up becoming camgirls exposing themselves and performing all kinds of sexual activities for guys like me. Many were as young as 18. I began panicking maybe some of these girls were trafficked for forced to do this (They weren't) but in my highly anxious mind (I've always had extreme anxiety) I felt like I was guilty of a crime. I felt like an abuser who took advantage of these girls and I felt dirty and shameful. But I kept using them because the brief thrill of masturbating on camera with a live girl always got the better of me and my bank account.
After I graduated I was still single and all my friends had scattered pursuing their own lives I felt alone. By this point 22 years old, still single and a virgin. So I turned again to camgirls. By this point my fear of camgirls being trafficked had gone away because they simply weren't as I found out. So now I began to use Streamate and would typically use camgirls ranging in age from 18-25. I know these websites age verify all of their models but in my anxious mind I still would ask them their ages. Some got quite annoyed at me with this but I couldn't help myself. As the months went by some camgirls I got to know more personally and they got to know me as well. But deep down I knew this wasn't healthy. My money was being drained trying to build "relationships" with these camgirls and looking back I realize just how unhealthy this was.
Periodically I would cancel my subscription and try to quit cold turkey. But I could never resist the temptation to go back on. This cycle has continued ever since and I have not told anyone about this except my therapist who I had to stop seeing because of Covid. And the Covid pandemic has made my addiction even worse because now I feel even more alone although I live with my family. I am 25 years old now, still single and a virgin and I am completely exhausted. I am tired of spending my money on Camgirls when I can save it for better things. I am tired of the shame and the guilt I feel each time I log on for a cam session. I am tired of the anxiety I feel that somehow what I did and am still doing is wrong and somehow constitutes a great mortal sin. I am tired of the chest pains and panic attacks I feel every time I think about my addiction being exposed to the world and how my friends and family would judge me for it.
I'm tired of being this way and I am begging for help. I am asking for someone to listen and help me make the anxiety, shame and guilt go away. I want to live with peace of mind and I can't find any. Nothing in my opinion is worse than being unable to live your life without peace of mind. Tonight I have for another unknown time closed my Streamate account. I want this to be the last time.
My name is Andy and I am new on here. I signed up for Reboot Nation because this week I have finally acknowledged to myself that I have a serious problem. It is a problem that I have struggled with for over four years now since 2016. I came here for help and I sit here typing all choked up with tears welling in my eyes. It is a problem that has for brief moments given me a thrill and pleasure only to be followed by a never ending feeling of dread and anxiety that many times makes my heart hurt. I am addicted to Camgirls.
It all started my senior year of college. It was December of 2016 and I was taking a break from studying for finals week. I was alone in my dorm as all my roommates were out. I was single so I didn't have a girlfriend to visit so like all 21 year old males I went onto Pornhub to relieve myself. As I was scrolling my curiosity got the better of me. At the top of the Pornhub page I clicked on the tab that read in white bold print, "LIVE CAMS." I had always noticed that tab every time I logged onto Pornhub but in the past I ignored it. But that night I decided to try something different. I clicked on the LIVE CAMS link and was greeted with a plethora of women ranging in age from 18-50+ from all over the world. All of them live on camera willing to do anything you pleased. For a single 21 year old virgin I felt I hit the jackpot.
I picked out a young woman who on her profile said she was 19 and was from Russia. She was blonde and damn I still remember she was beautiful. This was my first time doing anything like this so a mixture of excitement and foolishness raced through my mind. We entered an exclusive chat session and we both masturbated together as I talked sexy to her and she moaned and played with herself. It was weird and thrilling to me and before I knew it I had capped out my maximum spending limit of around $200! I forget the exact amount but it was around that amount. I logged off thinking this was the first and the only time I would do something like this. I thought it was one of those things you try in college and move on. For others maybe but for me I had just stepped foot into a deep rabbit hole.
A month later I was again scrolling through porn and noticed a link to another Camgirl site called Cams.com. I remembered how much I enjoyed using the camgirl a month prior so I set up an account and before I knew it I was spending hundreds of dollars on there. Camgirls from all over the world I used from Eastern and Western Europe and the USA. Never having had a girlfriend I reasoned this was the next best thing for now. In my mind I reasoned I'm not the only guy on here using these models. And so on it went for the rest of my Senior year. Before I graduated from college I had signed up for a second webcam model website called Streamate and had deleted my Cams.com account. I forget how much money I had spent at that point but it was several hundred dollars. Money I could've used elsewhere or just simply saved.
During this time I began to question the morality of what I was doing. I didn't know who these girls were and what their stories were and how they ended up becoming camgirls exposing themselves and performing all kinds of sexual activities for guys like me. Many were as young as 18. I began panicking maybe some of these girls were trafficked for forced to do this (They weren't) but in my highly anxious mind (I've always had extreme anxiety) I felt like I was guilty of a crime. I felt like an abuser who took advantage of these girls and I felt dirty and shameful. But I kept using them because the brief thrill of masturbating on camera with a live girl always got the better of me and my bank account.
After I graduated I was still single and all my friends had scattered pursuing their own lives I felt alone. By this point 22 years old, still single and a virgin. So I turned again to camgirls. By this point my fear of camgirls being trafficked had gone away because they simply weren't as I found out. So now I began to use Streamate and would typically use camgirls ranging in age from 18-25. I know these websites age verify all of their models but in my anxious mind I still would ask them their ages. Some got quite annoyed at me with this but I couldn't help myself. As the months went by some camgirls I got to know more personally and they got to know me as well. But deep down I knew this wasn't healthy. My money was being drained trying to build "relationships" with these camgirls and looking back I realize just how unhealthy this was.
Periodically I would cancel my subscription and try to quit cold turkey. But I could never resist the temptation to go back on. This cycle has continued ever since and I have not told anyone about this except my therapist who I had to stop seeing because of Covid. And the Covid pandemic has made my addiction even worse because now I feel even more alone although I live with my family. I am 25 years old now, still single and a virgin and I am completely exhausted. I am tired of spending my money on Camgirls when I can save it for better things. I am tired of the shame and the guilt I feel each time I log on for a cam session. I am tired of the anxiety I feel that somehow what I did and am still doing is wrong and somehow constitutes a great mortal sin. I am tired of the chest pains and panic attacks I feel every time I think about my addiction being exposed to the world and how my friends and family would judge me for it.
I'm tired of being this way and I am begging for help. I am asking for someone to listen and help me make the anxiety, shame and guilt go away. I want to live with peace of mind and I can't find any. Nothing in my opinion is worse than being unable to live your life without peace of mind. Tonight I have for another unknown time closed my Streamate account. I want this to be the last time.