Journals > Ages 20-29

My Life On Porn

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Hi you guys!

My name is Gene & I’m currently going through PIED at the age of 20. I think my first experience with porn was around the age of 8-10. My dad use to watch it HEAVILY when I was younger & so did my one of my cousins. I’m struggling currently with my identity & of course I’m very open to express that... & I know most of you are asking “How come!?” Well I’ll take you on a ride of my journey!

I can’t believe that I’m saying this, but I was raped between the ages of 5-14 by one of my closest family members who I had both consensual & UNCONSENSUAL sex with. Due to me not knowing my sexuality, I felt the need to try it with someone I know instead of someone totally different. It turned from a single try to every day sex with me also being pressured into having sex with him when I knew it was wrong & I didn’t want too. He would say things to make me have sex with him. It is the biggest mistake of my life. This same cousin also introduced me to porn. I never ejaculated until the age of 15. I liked the feeling of it... & it became obsessive.

Additionally, I was bullied from 1st Grade until my 12th Grade year due to false rumors of being being gay or either me sleeping with some dude. I also had a sexual encounter with a guy friend of mine when I was 6 with whom I got talked into doing it by someone else (a bully) who pressured me to have sex with him just so he wouldn’t bully me anymore. HUGE MISTAKE.... he told everyone about what happened & pinned it on me like I was the one who wanted to do that in the beginning. I was always called gay, sweet, faggot, & a he-she. Words really hurt.... due to that, I never got a chance to actually have a REAL sexual encounter with someone nor be in an OFFICIAL relationship all because of me being bullied. I think girls wanted to talk to me, but were scared about what people said about me. I really do hope that this will eventually change one day.

When I was 16, I experienced my first heartbreak by someone who I fell in love with. I was depressed for 2 years & it hit harder the second year versus my first year. I went through what is called “heartbreak syndrome” which basically is a victim having heart attack symptoms everyday without actually having a heart attack. With this traumatic experience, I turned to porn more heavily to fulfill the void. I ejaculated 6-9 times a day within the blink of an eye. 16, 17, & 18 I was fine with my erections... like a normal healthy teenager. When I became 19, I noticed that my body was really different. I “googled” everything to try to make it make sense & I stumbled across “PIED.” My whole entire life is really a sham.... I lost myself completely due to my heartbreak & porn. No more morning erections or anything.... I can still get an erection... ONLY if I think about porn, me having sex with a crush of mine, or me playing explicit photos or videos in my mind. I just want my life back.

February 7th, 2021 was my last day watching porn. The longest I have went without watching anything explicit was 2 weeks straight but I relapsed again. So far 11 days down without anything explicit & I hope it stays like this. I know with the help & encouragement of everyone here & with the help of my Lord & Savior Jesus Christ I can get through this.

Thank you guys for listening to my story. You can email or message me if you would like to for anything... opinions, advice, etc. I’m here!!! No judgement here!

Hey man,
This story of yours...I mean you've gone through a lot of stuff and i admire your endurance and strength.11 days is awesome achievement for the start,so just keep doing it and aim for more and you will reach your goal.Wish you best of luck on your journey !

Hey Gene,

Welcome here. I can imagine that writing all of this must have been difficult. I guess it feels liberating as well in a way? I don't know to what extent you have people in your life you can talk about this but it seems like an awful lot to deal with. It's impressive you're here and I hope you can 'get your life back' as you've put it.

Take care, I wish you all the best in your journey!

Thanks you guys! It means a lot!

Day 12

No porn still! I’m doing pretty great with my progress. I haven’t thought about watching it in a bit... although I did have the urge yesterday but I beat it. I actually found out some of my triggers & they are the following:

- personal bathrooms w/ my phone in hand
- quiet places, such as you being the only one in your home
- surprisingly, TWITTER!! which I deactivated until it’s time for me to go back (about 1-2 weeks deactivated.)

Those are some of my triggers. There could be more.... but so far so good. A good distraction of mine is watching Netflix & musical therapy. I’m gonna try to celebrate every week I complete a porn free week. Almost at the 2 week mark!! 


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