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Its a process...I guess.

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aquarius25:
Thank you ladies for the support. After going away for the weekend I was finally to think about something else beside P. I really needed that. I didn't tell any of my friends about it, did seem appropriate. It was a bachlorette party and was supposed to be about the bride to be. It was difficult at first because all I could think was, "Why would anyone want to get married?" LOL. After some time it got better. Some of the other married ladies stating talking about their husbands and it created a moment for me to reflect on the good parts of this man that I have shared so much with. There is a part of me that feel completely lied to and wonders if all of our marriage was a lit but the majority of me knows that is just not true. I do believe that this really is the only thing he was keeping from me and it was done out of shame. He is a great father, friend and person. I am glad to have shared so much life with him. I am also glad for the opportunity to remember that.

He was so supportive too. Constantly in contact with me and reassuring me as to what was going on (and what wasn't) on the home front. I think he knew I was having anxiety and he has been taking every effort he can to help in any way possible. I am glad that we are talking more and are doing this together. Recovery is for both of us and without communicating neither of us will recover. I really think I was letting this consume me. I know that will probably happen again but its nice to have a break from time to time.

aquarius25:
I was reflecting this morning on how much communication my husband and I have had since this whole thing came to light. In a weird way I am grateful. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying i am glad my husband is a recovering PA!!! I am saying I am grateful for the opportunity to have a new layer of honesty and know him at an even deeper level than I did before. Seeing how he handle this and watching him be inspired to change makes me fall in love with him all over again. I am really blown away at how much he loves his family and me. It not only inspires me to want to be supportive in anyway I can but also to heal myself. I have a responsibility to him just as much as he does to me. I can't watch him through this process and sit in my own depression. We need to heal together! I am looking forward to seeing this through and experiencing our relationship  on the other side.

malando:

--- Quote from: aquarius25 on July 19, 2016, 12:55:49 PM ---I was reflecting this morning on how much communication my husband and I have had since this whole thing came to light. In a weird way I am grateful. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying i am glad my husband is a recovering PA!!! I am saying I am grateful for the opportunity to have a new layer of honesty and know him at an even deeper level than I did before. Seeing how he handle this and watching him be inspired to change makes me fall in love with him all over again. I am really blown away at how much he loves his family and me. It not only inspires me to want to be supportive in anyway I can but also to heal myself. I have a responsibility to him just as much as he does to me. I can't watch him through this process and sit in my own depression. We need to heal together! I am looking forward to seeing this through and experiencing our relationship  on the other side.

--- End quote ---

That's really awesome. You're moving past the anger to the good stuff - understanding and healing. Best wishes.

aquarius25:
Well another week has passed and things for the most part are finally feeling normal, almost. I have noticed that P doesn't occupy a huge portion of my thoughts anymore and I am not constantly talking about it with my husband.

 I am ok if he relapses and I am to a point where I am just sad for him. I can't imagine how he has felt the last honestly 20 yrs. He has been doing this and experiencing PIED for all of his sexual life. He started M way too young and I can see how this has destroyed his confidence. I can also understand now how PMO was a confidence booster for him. I truly believe that he thought it was helping when in reality it was making things worse. I can also see how over the years I made it harder. I had no idea I was doing that but I can hear the offhanded comments that I made from time to time were probably shaming. The pin-up photos I had taken of myself. There were a number of years we were really into classic cars and rockabilly culture, that is all retro porn. He honestly had no idea that P was causing his ED and I feel sad that I had encouraged it to some degree.

I want to support him because I love him. I want to see the man he is without this. Initially I was scared. There are so many emotions this has stirred for me. It has brought every insecurity I have ever experienced to the very surface. For that frankly I am glad. I am not there yet but I know I am going to be a stronger and happier woman. I was scared of his recovery because I had thoughts like "What if he recovers and realizes he doesn't love me?" and many others. The reality is I know our relationship is stronger than this. I also know that in supporting each other we will be closer and stronger. My heart breaks for the years of dishonesty and we can't go back but we can move forward. He has carried this for so long, longer than I have known him. I am glad to be walking along side him and being an encouragement.

Thank you everyone here for your encouragement as well. It really does make all the difference.

aquarius25:
Yesterday was hard. He must have been having a bad day because he was crabby as all get out! It uncovered a trait that he does. We own a business together (a start up lighting manufacturing company). So we have to work together all the time, lol. Life gets interesting from time to time. We have been super slammed! We both also have other day jobs as well while this business gets off the ground. So I understand that we are both exhausted.  Anyway I had asked him about a few things that he said he was going to take care of and he shined me on. I just felt like we had been communicating so well and when he did that it brought up all those emotions of being lied to. I feel like I over reacted and blew up. I am not saying that I didn't have reason to be upset but I am realizing how I let my emotions get away from me. That realization was big. As I look back I am seeing how I have done that from time to time about various things. I think that is one of the triggers for him. He feels like crap about whatever we were arguing about and then goes to P because that isn't going to argue back and make him feel like crap. I am not saying its not ok to communicate when your displeased but maybe I should not be sooo upset about it. Everything feels so at the surface. All my emotions feel raw. I don't want to be part of his triggers. I want to be helping him. I think it would be more healthy for me too if I wasn't so emotional.

Thankfully he didn't relapse but I can see how he could have. I am really proud of him. He is making huge progress and so am I. This morning I apologized and so did he. We both talked about our feelings in a better head space. I can tell he appreciated me apologizing my crazy, lol. He is doing so much to better himself, I need to meet that effort and better myself too.

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