p0nr (Point of No Return)

I've been on this journey for so long. I've lost myself because of my porn addiction, and 2021 is the year I go through a rebirth and begin the process of becoming the greatest person I can possibly be.

I first saw porn when I was 11. I am 24, turning 25 in March. But I believe I started PMO when I was 13. Maybe 12. I remember starting out just watching hot girls make out with each other and the TV show Girls Next Door about the Playboy mansion. Man, I wish just watching hot girls making out today would get me hard.

Anyway, so I remember, probably around 12, being super horny, probably like all of us when approaching puberty, and fucking anything from the carpet to the bed to stuffed animals before discovering masturbation. It was the greatest feeling ever to O and it blew my mind. Mix that with porn and I was in heaven. I remember coming home from school and going straight to my room to PMO for hours. Everyday. At 12,13, I was downloading porn and had a decent library. I remember thinking this was too good to be true. I can have the feeling of sex without having sex, and I can just watch these unbelievable babes and switch between them with just a click. It started out with me orgasming once right after coming home from school, then doing my homework and playing outside with neighborhood friends. Then I would orgasm once and immediately go again, because the second orgasm was just 10x better. And sometimes a third time. Those were the good days. Going at it a second time today is rarely an option. And this went on through middle school and high school.

I didn't realize it then, but porn was slowly taking me away from the happiness that was destined for me. I remember a day when I skipped playing football after school with friends to PMO. I remember that moment like it was yesterday. The phone rang and rang, and I chose the laptop over picking up the phone. I remember not feeling right about it, but I also had no idea that porn could be an addiction. That's why I thought I had found heaven when I started masturbating to porn. Then one day, I think my senior year in high school, still not aware that this was an addiction, I just decided to take a break from porn. And I only lasted 3-5 days before I felt some sort of mild withdrawals. I thought nothing of it and just picked up my laptop.

All through middle school and high school, I never had a girlfriend. And I still haven't had a girlfriend. And I haven't had sex before. I'm a virgin. I'm an only child and very introverted. Always been to myself and never cared to go to school dances, and didn't go to my prom. At the time, I honestly didn't care about prom or making friends.

Then I get to college and it starts to hit me hard. I find out about YBOP. Then I suddenly realize I haven't had morning wood in years. And none of the hot girls in short shorts on campus are getting me hard or turned on. I was completely desensitized. And that's when my journey to recovery began. I remember getting L-Arginine pills and my erections were raging hard when I took them, at least when I watched porn. I wasn't quite aware that I had PIED yet, so I made a goal to just abstain from porn Monday to Friday and take those pills everyday, so that I could have as much confidence as possible when I go out to party on Fridays and Saturdays. Well, I almost always never made it to Friday and when I did, I didn't have the balls to approach a woman, let alone get them to fuck me. This went on throughout college and I slowly fell into a depression, because I realized how much of a loser I am.

I had no real friends in high school or college. Fridays were terrible because I would be locked in my dorm room watching porn while every student is out partying and fucking. This is what college is all about, and I'm just wasting it. I got serious about quitting it, but I would only last about 3 days max before relapsing. One time in my sophomore year, I made it to 7 days and when I relapsed after those 7 days, I sunk deeper in my addiction. I never quit trying to quit, but I always failed after a couple of days. Then in my junior year, I reached a new low. A friend of mine caught me masturbating. My door was locked and he was behind it. I hurriedly put on my pants and opened the door, and all the evidence was right there. The laptop on the bed, the tissues, the lotion. He yelled it all out and my dorm mates heard it and bust out laughing. This is when I truly started to lose myself. When I truly realized that porn has taken control of my life. He called me a while ago that he was coming by my dorm so that we could hit the gym together, and instead of me getting ready, I was jerking off til the last minute. And you would think that would be the last straw that would make me quit. But I kept on with  porn. Then the worst thing happened to me in my junior year. I discovered weed mixed with porn and masturbation. I was 12 again, discovering the high of masturbation. I completely quit trying to give up the addiction and just sunk deeper and deeper. I was always trying to chase the high of the first time I smoked and PMO'd. I sunk so deep that I bought a 1TB hard drive and filled it up with porn.

I also turned 21 in my junior year and could finally go to bars and clubs, since I was too much of a loser to even know about fake IDs. I made a new set of friends and would go out with them, and I just did not have the confidence in myself to approach women. I was just down on myself ever since I got caught a few months prior and just got depressed. Then make shit worse, I got caught a second time a year later. This time in the act of pmo, with my dick out. This just completely fucked me up and took away all my confidence in myself.

I graduated that year I got caught the second time and cut off all my friends. I was unemployed that whole year after graduating and hit rock bottom. I was living with my mother and got paranoid with weed after always getting caught. And so that ruined weed for me. Weed was my best friend before graduating and now I'm always paranoid and cannot enjoy it anymore. That whole year, I would smoke and pull up some porn, but my dick would not get hard. This was the first time that I couldn't even get hard to porn. I would get a job a year later and my dick got hard to porn again, so it was just stress and depression from being unemployed and stuck at home while all my friends had jobs. I should point out that even though weed made me paranoid and sick, I never stopped smoking it because the extra dopamine I got from watching porn high was incredible. Until now.

Fast forward to 2021. I promised myself that New Years Eve was the last time I'd ever O. But I have relapsed a couple times. I have made this similar promise of "This is my last time relapsing" countless times to the point that I've ALMOST lost confidence in myself that I can overcome this addiction. But I will never stop believing in myself and so I say again, "Monday, Jan 11 2021  was the last time I relapse". I mean it and I'm completely confident that I will cure my PIED and anxiety this year. And I will have sex and kill my anxiety and be the man I know I can be. On midnight, i will hit 4days of abstaining from porn and masturbation. The short term goal is to break my record of 7 days, and the long term goal is to cure  my PIED and have morning wood on a regular basis  and rock hard erections whenever I'm intimate with a woman.

Hey man,

congratulations on sharing your story. I still remember, when i wrote down all the stuff, trying to connect all the dots that led me to this point. A lot of elements in your story remembered me of my own past.
It was a good idea to come to this forum. When you are feeling down, this can really help, so that you dont feel alone in this fight.

I think two good advices i would have for a start is firstly to be very careful about fantasizing. It can lead to cravings and relapses very quick. A strategy i use, is to try to focus and think about stuff in my environment, when i become aware of myself fantasizing. Secoundly inform yourself as much as you can on ybop, especially the FAQs. This has not only reason, that you know more about porn addiciton and PIED, but also it really helped me to endure and get over urges. For that matter i can especially recommend "the brain rebalanced"-radioshow on ybop, as well as interviews and presentations with gary wilson.

I wish you the best of luck.

I am ~7 hours away from 5 days PMO free. It's a Saturday and I've been alone and bored. The 4-5 day mark is when I usually get crazy urges, especially when I'm sleeping. Those are the worst. It feels like your brain shuffles through all the porn scenes you've watched in your life, then picks one or two and just plays it over and over. I've learned through failing thousands of times to just wake up instead of trying to stay asleep. I've had some urges and flashes of scenes pop up in my head today. I beat them by meditating on my chief aims (more on that) and I just watched that new Disney movie Soul. Great movie that spoke to me and motivated me to keep going.

Last year, I read Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill and it changed my life. So much so that I repeatedly read chapters from it like a bible. One particular line that has helped me keep a streak longer than a day is "Every person who wins in any undertaking must be willing to burn his ships and cut all sources of retreat. Only by so doing can one be sure of maintaining that state of mind known as a burning desire to win, essential to success." So I deleted my porn hard drive, which had over 700 porn videos and thousands of pics, put a blocker on my laptop and blocked IG and reddit, etc. Sometimes I think to myself how pathetic I am that one peek of porn can send me to my room jerking off. But I also know this is just the beginning. After some months of beating down urges, I will be stronger and urges won't have any power over me. But these urges that I face are CRAZY!! It feels like I get possessed and I just sleepwalk to my room. I also feel pathetic because I print out reminders and affirmations all over my house to remind me to stay on course when an urge hits. I've even put signs on my laptop to catch me, and even those didn't work initially. But another thing from Think and Grow Rich that has kept me  going is that it takes PERSISTENCE. I just need to keep looking at these reminders and eventually, I'll automatically remember to look at them when an urge hits.

Another helpful guide from Think and Grow Rich is chief aims. Napoleon Hill suggests to get a piece of paper and write your chief aim in life. What you want most from life. Then write down what you will do to get it. Then read it out loud to yourself everyday when you wake up and before you go to bed. So for me, it is overcome my porn addiction and cure my PIED.
I will remain sober from weed (33 days sober today),
my laptop is forbidden from my room,
I will meditate whenever an urge hits,
I will deal with my stress instead of escaping my stress with porn,
I will never peek at porn again to starve the addict neural pathway,
And I will replace the habit of PMO with socializing, filmmaking (my passion) working out, and meditation.

I've been reading my chief aim for some months now and I can honestly feel my desire to quit porn getting stronger. So strong to the point that the few times I've relapsed this year, I've literally become suicidal afterwards because the pain of "losing" to my addiction hurts that bad. It's like making it to the super bowl and losing by a field goal. Honestly, the pain from the last relapse this past monday is what has mainly kept me going. I haven't had a single peek. And although I've had urges, I'm always reminded of the depression and suicidal thoughts that flood my mind when I relapse and I stay on track. I guess that's just how bad I want to beat it now.

Along with the suicidal thoughts, I've been feeling this great rage inside whenever I think of past regrets. Regrets of not beating this addiction in college and truly enjoying college. Regrets of all the times I made a fool of myself in front of women, especially when I know I'm good looking and worthy of beautiful women. I've been going to the gym consistently for the past 4 months and it has become a solid habit. And I always catch girls staring at me. I get really furious because my dick is dead and I just have no reason to approach these girls. So during these past four days, I've made a plan. I'm going hard mode for 90 days, I'm going to get a date for Valentine's Day, then start heavily approaching women after 90 days. I'm expecting a ton of rejections and failures, but that's how I get over the fear and become more confident, which is the goal. By 2022, I want to be able to walk to any girl and take her home with me. I'm also hoping to be able to have erections by then. I know I'm a severe case since I've been watching porn for over 13 years and never having sex before. It's a mighty long road ahead of me and it scares me, but it must be done. I'm tired of being alone, depressed, unmotivated, and a virgin. I want life to be colorful again like when I was a kid. I will do this. I will be happy again.

It's alright brother, we all have those cringe moments in our past that randomly pop up and force us to relive the embarrassing moment haha. It's great that you're disciplined about this and have chosen to fight back strong against P. We're here for you bro!

Hey overcomer,

Thanks and congratulations for sharing your story. I really like your approach to your recovery; you are being serious about and changing other aspects of your life to help you along the journey (i.e working out and following your passions). This will automatically help you get through this. Some advice that I've picked up from reading success stories on this site: journal daily, remind yourself of your passions and goals daily, workout daily, and don't fight your urges head on, but distract yourself from them. Best of luck in your journey!

YOU NEVER KNOW HOW FAR YOU'VE COME UNTIL YOU RELAPSE, AND YOU IMMEDIATELY REALIZE HOW QUICK YOU WILL LOSE YOUR PROGRESS WHEN YOU RELPASE

Man. So a few hours after my lost post (1/16), I relapsed. And this relapse has fucked me up even as I write this, The worse part about the relapse is how it happened. I was 4 days clean. Only a few hours away from 5 days sober. Then three more days and I would have broken my record streak. I guess I was just over confident. So, I was at home, bored the whole day. A particular scene kept flashing in my head and I repeatedly tuned it off. I went for walks, watched a movie, wrote that post. Then out of nowhere, I  guess because my level of boredom had reached its peak, I just spontaneously looked up the pictures from the scene in my head. I remember feeling like I had come far just on how aroused I was from the pictures. I usually get aroused after spending time browsing several pictures or scenes, but I was aroused almost immediately. Then I sunk too deep. Once I get a peek, I always start scavenging for any porn I can remember. And by the time I realized, I had a ton of tabs opened and I was browsing through them while adding more tabs. I feel like my recovery will be longer and hellish than normal because of how I watch porn. I never watch a scene to completion. I have tabs upon tabs of porn open, then I just skip through to my favorite positions, then on to the next scene until I cum.

Anyway, so I have all these tabs of porn open while my mind tries to convince me to stop. Staying away from peeking from porn is a challenge, but trying to stop watching porn after being exposed to it feels  impossible. When I take that first glance at porn, I've given the devil the perfect opportunity to get a mighty grip on me. The angel on my shoulder tells me I can stop right now, and even though it's an end to the streak, at least I haven't orgasmed yet and I can get back on track. But the devil on my other shoulder tells me I've already looked at porn. I've awoken the sleeping giant. If I stop now, the urge to come back to the porn I've just seen will come back 10x more intense. There's no way I'll overcome the urges that will come after stopping. So might as well come. The truth is, the devil is full of shit. Yes, the urges will be intense because I've been sober for 4 days and I've just looked at porn. But I can overcome the urges and put the giant back to sleep. The reason I always go with the devil is because fear is much easier to feel than faith. And I know the only way to overcome this addiction is to believe that it is possible in the first place. I know deep down in my heart that it is possible. I also know this will be the most difficult thing I will ever face in my life, and I will be unstoppable once I defeat this addiction.

I have a vision of the person I will be when I defeat this addiction. I call him the Overcomer. He has the body of a god from being pushing himself beyond his limits everyday at the gym. He is still introverted, but confident as fuck in crowds and a master at seducing women. And he has the willpower to endure pain for however long it takes until victory is achieved, because he has spent years defeating one of the strongest addictions a man can have. To be completely honest, this vision is the only reason I haven't blown my brains out already. Because porn has taken everything from me. I hate being alive. I have no friends, no confidence, no motivation, a job I hate...But this vision of myself just conquering shit gets me excited. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE THE OVERCOMER. AND I WILL.

But anyway, I've been meditating on my chief aims (read last post), and in order to overcome this addiction, one of the things I remind myself about is that "my laptop is forbidden from my room". So I'm in my home office, looking at porn on my laptop, ready to get comfortable and naked on my bed to PMO,  but the line keeps playing in my head  "my laptop is forbidden from my room". But the  desire is too strong, so in a minute, I'm off to my room. Then I PMO. And right when I relapse, I am filled with regrets. I'm immediately reminded of the past regrets of looking like a fool approaching women, my dead dick that prevents me from approaching girls who clearly stare at me and find me attractive, and I am enraged and depressed by these thoughts. This was Saturday.

So Sunday, I'm back on the grind. I stay away from porn the whole day. Then Monday is MLK day, so no work. I wake up, and an urge hits me. I tune it out of my head. Then thirty minutes  later, the urge is back, and I allow it to stick in my mind for a second, and that's all it takes. I take my laptop to my room. I've been sober from weed for over 30 days. But as I jerk off, my mind can't help but think about how much better I would feel if I was jerking off high to porn. But I fight off the urge to go buy weed. I want to stay sober for at least a year. Because weed makes me paranoid and  I want to enjoy it again, so a break is needed. And while I'm on this break, I need to break this addiction so that weed does not become used with porn, but more in a social setting with friends getting high and laughing my ass off and having a great time. So I relapse, then I PMO back to back to back. And now I'm a mess. I'm supposed to hit the gym, but after relapsing, I have no confidence to be in a gym full of buff dudes and sexy women. So now I'm just in my room depressed, hopeless, suicidal. So I PMO again and again to numb the pain, but like we all know, it numbs it for like 5 seconds. I keep my laptop in my room when I go to bed.

I wake up on Tuesday and an urge hits. And the laptop is right there on my bed. Now I remember why I've been telling myself everyday that my laptop is forbidden from my room. I've been on this NoFap journey seriously since December, and I've kept my laptop away from my room, so I forgot about how urges hit in the morning because I have not had urges in the morning in a long time. But I relapsed over and over and over and so the sleeping giant is up and hungry for as much porn as it can get. So I open the laptop and PMO immediately. Now I have to clean up and get ready for work. I just woke up and the day is already ruined. I'm devastated and I tell myself I'm immediately back on track. No more porn. Then at night, an urge hits, and the laptop is back in my room. I have lost all control when it comes to urges now. The giant has control on me. And the old habits are creeping back. Before, I would relapse after a few minutes because of how sensitive my dick was from abstaining as well as just not allowing myself to enjoy and watch the porn because I know it's wrong. But now I don't give a fuck. So I'm downloading every video I can. It's like I'm sleepwalking, because after a while, I look at my downloads and I have over 30 videos downloaded, knowing damn well I won't even watch one in full. So I take a second to stop. I go for a walk to buy some lube so I can properly jerk off, but as I walk, the angel on my shoulder tells me it's not too late to turn around and delete all that porn. I guess the devil feels like he's won already so I don't hear from him. So I turn around and go back home and delete the porn. I stay away the rest of the day. And at this moment, I know I've made some progress because a few months ago, the angel wasn't even there to help.

So today, I wake up, an urge hits, I reach for the laptop. I jerk off, then stop to go buy the lube. The angel tries to convince me again on the way there, but this time I buy it. I come home, I download all the videos again, and I watch one to completion. Then I tell myself I'll go again at night. I download more porn. Then at some point, I stop and I delete the porn again. I'm exhausted from the back and forth, and I just know that porn is bad for me. I've meditated on being the Overcomer for over a month now, and it's engrained in my head. But in these few days of nonstop porn. I've felt the vision slowly fading away. And it terrifies me. I've skipped out on the gym for almost two weeks. I haven't skipped a day in the gym for almost 3 months. I've made so much progress and it's slipping away after a few days of relapsing. So I deleted the porn and I'm writing this to remind myself of how quickly I can lose my progress. I will read this everyday to remind myself not to take a streak for granted. I can't honestly say that I'm faithful, because I'm full of fear. Because  the giant is still awake. But I'm ready to knock it down. So today is the last day I relapse. All the porn is gone. I've put a blocker back on my laptop.  I'm back to day 0. But it is my last Day 0. It's time to become the OVERCOMER.

Hey overcomer,

I have felt the same exact feelings as you described. The devil/angel symbolism hit me right at home. But as you mentioned, this is the last straw. You don't want the angel to prevail, you NEED it to prevail. Its good that you set up the blocker that will most definitely help, reading your post daily will also help. Keep pushing, keep going, take everything a day at a time. You got this man.

Hi overcomer,

Remember one thing.... YOU ARE NOT ALONE!. We are with you. I felt the same way, the same urges, the same regrets, the same frustration.... But we can overcome this, we have the power to do it. Keep focus my friend! Anytime you need someone to talk leave me a message. I'm not an expert, today is just my day 1, but we can support each other!
Good luck!

anubu0 said:

Hey overcomer,

I have felt the same exact feelings as you described. The devil/angel symbolism hit me right at home. But as you mentioned, this is the last straw. You don't want the angel to prevail, you NEED it to prevail. Its good that you set up the blocker that will most definitely help, reading your post daily will also help. Keep pushing, keep going, take everything a day at a time. You got this man.

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Thank you brother. WE got this!

Shaka99 said:

Hi overcomer,

Remember one thing.... YOU ARE NOT ALONE!. We are with you. I felt the same way, the same urges, the same regrets, the same frustration.... But we can overcome this, we have the power to do it. Keep focus my friend! Anytime you need someone to talk leave me a message. I'm not an expert, today is just my day 1, but we can support each other!
Good luck!

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I appreciate it brother. Good luck to you too. I'm also available to talk when you're in need too.

Man, ok. So far so good. I'm two days in. A few months ago, just one day was hard. But that's because I didn't want it bad enough. I want to overcome this addiction so bad that anytime I relapse, I feel sick and depressed for days. These two days have not been too bad, but they weren't great either.

DAY 1: Yesterday. I've been trying to wake up an hour earlier at 6 am. I did that today. What I've realized is the hard part is getting up. But once you do, you're up. It's smooth sailing from there. Brushed teeth, got my meditation in (I do two 30 minute sessions every day; one after brushing teeth, one after work ~5:30pm), made breakfast (1 cup oatmeal, 4 eggs; went from 1/2 cup, 2 eggs, steady progress fellas, take it one day at a time), then chilled for a bit before I had to start work at 9.

I worked my ass off at work today. But that's only because I had a presentation on Friday. I had been slacking off for weeks and I needed to get as much done as possible. I FUCKING HATE MY JOB. IT DEPRESSES ME THAT I HAVE TO WAKE UP EARLY EVERYDAY AND SPEND 8 HOURS BEHIND A COMPUTER DOING BULLSHIT THAT DOES NOT IMPACT ANYONE OR MYSELF. But anyway, after work, got my second meditation in. I hadn't been in the gym for a week, so my mind was fighting hard to keep me away from the gym. But I knew deep within I had to go today and get back on track. The longer I put it off, the greater risk I put myself of breaking this wonderful habit of working out. It took so fucking long to build this habit. I WON'T LET PORN TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME IN A COUPLE OF DAYS. It was a legs, chest, triceps day. Got on squats and was surprised that I hadn't lost my gains. In fact, it felt like I went up. I was able to squat 3 plates(315) for one rep. That felt amazing. But it wasn't the best part. The best part was when I was working on my triceps and I caught this baddie staring at me. She is so fucking bad. slim thick with an ass that I always have to stare at when she turns (I know, I'm a perv. This is what porn has done to me). Anyway, what made it even better is when I caught her staring at me, we locked eyes and I kept my gaze on her for about 3 seconds before she looked away. I was so proud of myself, especially since this was the day after 3 days of relapsing. I wasn't even confident that day. I just faked it. **ADVICE FELLAS: FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT. Walk with confidence even when you're nervous as fuck, because no one can feel what you feel inside unless you show it from the outside. I'm not a master at it yet because I still get nervous, but I've done it enough times at the gym when I walk by a girl at the gym to know it works. Girls love confidence and I know my walk exudes confidence, even when I have no confidence at all. Anyway, after the gym, came home, drank my shake and ate dinner, relaxed for a bit then went to bed.

DAY2: Hit snooze twice (not proud, but still got up @6:19), brushed teeth, meditated on my self as the overcomer (read last post) and it felt good, but not as good as I know it can. *ANOTHER PIECE OF ADVICE: READ THINK AND GROW RICH. CHANGED MY LIFE. The book urges the reader to write down a desire (eg. to be a millionaire), write what they need to do to get that desire, then read it aloud to themselves everyday. I do this during my meditation sessions. My desire is to overcome this addiction, and as I meditated on overcoming this  addiction, I envisioned myself free and liberated. I literally envisioned myself on the street picking up girls and saying the smoothest things. It's really magic. I saw myself as the overcomer, approaching the girl I locked eyes with and making love to her at my place after the gym. And I got an erection from it. Far from 100% hard but I felt great. And I know that the longer I stay away from relapsing, the more intense the desire and vision is  when I meditate, which only gets me closer to my goal. Of course, just meditating is not enough. I also need to act on it. I need to start approaching girls and get confidence. As much as I hate to admit it, this PIED is a blessing in disguise because there's no pressure to get them in bed. The only challenge is to talk and flirt and build confidence with that. Then after 90 days hard mode, step up and start trying to seduce them to fuck. Steady progress, one day at a time. Anyway, so I had urges here and there, but I just reminded myself of how good it felt to lock eyes with gym bae and the urges disappeared. It is now my mission to get with that girl, and porn will only push her away from me. Fuck watching other people fuck. I want to do the fucking. No more relapsing. I'm only getting better. No more skipping the gym, and more time focused on getting better.

Hey man,

nice stuff, a gym habit is a very nice thing to gain confidence and to keep fitness and health in check.
Since i am also using different visualization techniques i'd like to leave a big word of caution here.
Visualizations about having sex with women is full on fantasizing and is probably a sure thing leading to a relapse one day. Having to kill fantasizing was probably the most important habit i had to install. Especially when you wrote about getting erections while fantasizing and thinking about women, it reminded me of so many times of relapsing.
So my advice: do not fantasize about sex. It will be very difficult, if not impossible, to go through a reboot that way.
I installed the habit of trying to focus on and think about my surroundings, when i notice myself fantasizing, which made me have much less urges and made everything much easier.

Anyway, keep up your stuff. Good luck.

Good shit man! One day at a time, one day at a time ...

A few words of advice. When you're meditating, I would still stray away from sexual thoughts/imagery. You don't want to get aroused from those because they still count as artificial stimulation. Other than that, you are rocking this shit. And I know jobs can suck but try to push though. View it as not only a way to make living, but a distractor from porn. You GOT THIS MAN! THIS IS THE REBOOT!

hi overcomer

as our friends told you, i think is dangerous to fantasize about sex. For me it would be a great trigger to relapse.

it's great your meditation routine, it needs discipline and concentration, i will try it too.

have a nice third day! you are my partner bro, I am on third day too.

TheOvercomer said:

The short term goal is to break my record of 7 days, and the long term goal is to cure my PIED and have morning wood on a regular basis and rock hard erections whenever I'm intimate with a woman.

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I should start this post by admitting that I relapsed this morning. I really wanted to write my next post after breaking my 7 day goal, but I think I have enough to write about.

So, on my second post, I wrote about being ~7 hours away from 5 days sober from porn, but then I fucked it up a few hours after writing the post. I got bored and just peeked, which of course turned to a full on session and relapse. I officially reached 5 days last night, but not before a week of hell.

On my third post, I wrote about how one relapse gave the devil(porn) a chance to put a tight grip on me. At the end of the post, I was optimistic and proclaimed that it was my last day 0. The truth was I was faking it. Because I knew just how tight the grip was on me, and I just don't have the faith. One of my favorite quotes from Think and Grow Rich is "faith is the only known antidote to failure". Beating this addiction is nothing more than mentality, like every other goal worth achieving. If it is a goal worth achieving like overcoming an addiction, then it is impossible to achieve it if you don't believe it is possible in the first place. There's no way Elon Musk would achieve these seemingly impossible goals (Revolutionizing auto industry with Tesla, Tesla losing money for years for Musk to suddenly be the richest man in the world, SpaceX, etc) if he didn't believe it could actually happen. And of course, the work behind the faith. But the first is my problem.

I just need to be honest. I love porn. It's been in my life longer than it hasn't. Accepting that porn can no longer be a part of my life is a hard pill that I haven't been able to swallow. I've been overwhelmed and even relapsed after reading posts of people who abstained from porn for years, cured their PIED, then relapsed and got PIED again. But I also hate porn. It has taken away so much from me and turned me into a zombie with no social skills, a dead dick, and absolutely no confidence in myself.

Here's a true story: On the first week of February, I relapsed one day and checked out a porn site to see the upcoming scenes coming. It was always a habit before going on this journey of recovery to get my phone after waking up and check the new scenes that dropped on premium sites. I wouldn't pay for those sites, but just look for those new scenes and torrent them. So I went back to my old ways, but really just hoping nothing exciting would drop. But there was a scene dropping that caught my eye and fucked me up. The scene was dropping the following week and I was so excited for this scene that I drove in the snow to go buy weed. I hadn't smoked in two months prior to that, and I vowed to not smoke for the rest of the year, so this should tell you how much I was looking forward to the scene. Anyway, the weed was dry and very mid. The plan was to hold out til next week and take that first hit when the scene dropped, because the first hit of weed after a long break takes you to outer space (at least when it's loud). But I couldn't wait. So much so that I actually paid for a membership to the site so that I could get the scene immediately when it dropped. So now I have a week before the scene drops, and I have weed and a membership to a premium site. It was a disaster. I immediately began smoking and PMOing to the content everyday. Surprisingly, I was able to hold out on smoking until after work was done. It would have been amazing if I was able to hold out until after working out, but that was pushing it. The reason I quit weed in the first place was because I would smoke it during work times and sometimes forget that I would have to talk in a meeting (covid times so just on camera, not in person). So the fact that I was able to muster enough will to wait until work was done was great. But PMOing to porn everyday fucked me up. Because one, I didn't get hard. I didn't get hard because I was terrified. I felt guilty and scared that I was going backwards. I was scared this would lead me into falling into the abyss of depression that I had when I was at my absolute worst with this addicition. Besides not being able to be hard, I have this membership for a month, which just makes it harder for me to resist.

Anyway, long story long, I told myself after I PMO to the scene that caused all this, I would get back on the journey. So the scene drops and I roll my last blunt with the last of the weed, smoke it, PMO to the scene and I actually got hard. Then I PMO'd the next day, which fucked my confidence up. But after that, I abstained for 5 days, which is my record for the year, and I honestly can't remember the last time I made it to 5 days. Definitely not in 2020.

So before those 5 days, I got a text from a friend I hadn't spoke to in years randomly, and he wanted to meet up. What fucked me up about this was how nervous I was at the idea of having to socialize. I knew at the very least I would have to abstain for as long as possible to have some confidence before meeting up. Relapsing the day before meeting up would've made me feel like shit. I'm sure I would've cancelled on him. But it's also important to note that I was up for the challenge. This is necessary to be the overcomer (The overcomer is the person I will become when I overcome this addiction; I will be able to socialize with any person, pull any girl I want, have the will to endure pain and misery until I reach any goal I desire to achieve etc. Essentially, I become the master of my own ship). This would be my litmus test to see where I'm at socially. This should let you know just how introverted and socially awkward I am. I have 0 friends right now. I'm never texting anyone or meeting up with anyone. Long story long, when I meet up with him, I have abstained for 3 days and the day we met up was thee 4th day. And I killed that shit. After a while, I realized we millenials are just awkward and it's not just me. I was shocked at how easy socializing is when you get out of your head and just flow with the moment. Daoism is truly the way. I was the one usually breaking the awkward silences and I wasn't even the one who initiated the meetup. I went home with a great confidence boost. This was this last Saturday.

So now I'm 4 days sober, and it has honestly been a breeze. No urges or flashes. No desire to even check the site I subscribed to (cancelled it btw, I just have access until the end of the month, smh). Then the urges slowly creep in on day 5. I stay busy. I wake up, make my usual breakfast of 4 eggs and a cup of oatmeal. Since I was relapsing nonstop the past week, I stopped working out and eating as much I need to to get the muscular physique I desperately want. I was skipping breakfast and eating Fruity Pebbles cereal and other junk. So it took a lot to finish that healthy breakfast, but I did it. It honestly took about an hour to finish it. Then I went to the gym, and that too was tough, since I wasn't quite back in the swing of the routine. While abstaining, I had gone twice, this was my third. I spent two hours in there killing a bicep and shoulder workout. Felt good to accomplish that too. The urges were getting stronger and I knew I had to just continue staying busy. There was no way in hell I was not going to get to 5 days this time. So I came home,  drank my whey shake, then went to get the haircut I've been wanting to get for a minute. Got that, then went to my grandma's house to hang out with family for the rest of the night. And during all these different things I was doing (haircut, which btw I'm usually quiet, but I actually conversed with my barber the whole time I was getting the cut) I realized afterwards that porn was not on my mind, and that's a major key. Stay productive not to just avoid relapsing, but to keep the thoughts out of your head. You're really killing two birds with one stone. You're getting shit done, and keeping the streak alive.

I came home from my grandma's around 10:45pm. I brushed my teeth and went to bed. I had a feeling I wouldn't sleep well because I would be haunted by dreams of porn. But at the same time, I was an hour away from abstaining for 5 fucking days. I felt so fucking good about myself.

And I was right. My mind was racing with thoughts of the same girl and scene that was fucking me up the whole day. I woke up and checked my phone. I just wanted it to be  fter midnight. It was 1:01. I had officially made it to 5 days clean. And in retrospect, this is probably why I fucked up. Instead of thinking about the next goal, breaking my all time record of 7 days, I just let myself peek, and as usual, that had me going downstairs to get my laptop and PMOing. And the worst part about the relapsing was that I didn't even watch the scene I was thinking about all day. As usual, I had countless tabs opened and was just going back and forth, keeping my dopamine levels as high as possible. And while I do it, I think of how long it will take to get cured, and how going back and forth on tabs will make it extremely difficult for me to pay attention to one girl when I finally do get to fuck. I came, then went to bed, woke up a few hours later and succumbed to the chaser effect. The second time around, I couldn't get hard. This also fucked me up because if I can't even go twice with porn, how am I gonna go multiple rounds with a real girl? smh this is why I hate porn. After the second PMO, I was reminded again of why I hate porn. The time it takes to clean up, get ready and jump back into the real world, all that stuff that should've been taken care of hours ago while you were watching porn. So here I am again, declaring that I'm done with porn. And now I'm driven to break 7 days, and this time I'm not letting my guard down. The COVID vaccines are really ramping up and it seems like life will be back to some kind of normalcy this year. I was expecting it to take all of this year, which I was gonna use to get better, but I gotta get serious now. Because I want to be a new and improved man when I go back to work. I don't wanna be the nervous, timid, antisocial, stuttering guy, but the confident, strong, sexy man I'm slowly becoming. I have put on 10 pounds of muscle since the new year and the looks I get from women in the gym is validation that I am becoming sexy. If, scratch that, now that I'm quitting porn for good, the confidence and work in the gym should sky rocket. I'm ready to become the overcomer. No matter how many times I fail, I will get back up.

P.S. to those who advised me based on my last post to not fantasize about sex, thank you. I read them and I have stopped. I just now fantasize about myself after overcoming this addiction. How I look with my muscular body, how I walk to girls and seduce them, but nothing sexual. The law of attraction is real. Fantasize about the life you want, put in the work, and eventually, the fantasy becomes reality. Thanks again.

It's one thing to quit porn and continuously relapse and go back to day 1. It's a whole other thing to know all the damage porn has done and continue to do to you and still not being able to let it go.  It has put tremendous fear in me. I desperately want to quit and cure my PIED. I just want to wake up with morning wood. What a great way to start the day. But I'm terrified of urges because I can never defeat them.

I recently went 5 days straight of abstinence. It was a breeze because I didn't have any urges. I guess my brain needed a rest since I had binged the week before. Then a little urge came at night and I was back to day 0.

Yesterday was my mum's birthday. I HAD to be abstinent. So now I'm one day clean. My birthday is in eight days. If I abstain from now to then, I will make ten days. That would be a record for me. So that's the goal. Until then, I'm going to bee reading and watching anything to get me motivated and remove the fear of failing out of my head. I look at this path to recovery as climbing a mountain. Every time I relapse, I fall down to the bottom, then have to face the height of the mountain from the ground. After ten days, I will have climbed a few miles up and ironically, the fear of having to start back from the bottom will hopefully prevent me from relapsing. That's the goal. After 10 days abstinent, the next goal is to be abstinent for the rest of 2021

Hi overcomer

I understand you man. I've been trying reboot for some time is really hard. Now I'm on day 3 again. But we need to do it, we need to cure ourselves.

Do you read other's journal? Spending some time in this forum reading journals keep me motivated. Also I have a group chat with some guys here, to support each other, if you want we can add you.

Keep in mind your goals my friend, You will be the overcomer, I know!.

Keep posting, I'll be reading you.

TheOvercomer said:

Yesterday was my mum's birthday. I HAD to be abstinent. So now I'm one day clean. My birthday is in eight days. If I abstain from now to then, I will make ten days. That would be a record for me. So that's the goal. Until then, I'm going to bee reading and watching anything to get me motivated and remove the fear of failing out of my head. I look at this path to recovery as climbing a mountain. Every time I relapse, I fall down to the bottom, then have to face the height of the mountain from the ground. After ten days, I will have climbed a few miles up and ironically, the fear of having to start back from the bottom will hopefully prevent me from relapsing. That's the goal. After 10 days abstinent, the next goal is to be abstinent for the rest of 2021

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So the plan was to be 10 days abstinent on my birthday. My 25th birthday. The average 25 year old would probably link up with friends and go turn up at a club, then get laid and have a memorable 25th birthday. Well, I only lasted 3 days and relapsed. Immediately after orgasming, the pain and hopelessness shocked me like lightning. I'm gonna be 25, a virgin,  and I'm going to spend my birthday with my family and probably PMO instead of getting laid. I was totally depressed. The relapse was on a Friday. I had it set in my mind that I was going to kill myself by Sunday. All kind of crazy thoughts were in my mind. I started thinking about all the people who had been successful by 25 and how that makes me feel like the biggest loser on earth. I totally quit trying to get better immediately after the relapse. I paid for all types of porn memberships and locked myself up in my room. I only came out to eat. I was just binging all weekend and trying to figure out how I would take my life. I bought a rope from Home Depot two years ago when I first attempted suicide. And I just couldn't try to hang myself again. The pain of the noose tightening around your neck is one uncomfortable feelings on planet earth. Then I also remembered googling the process of hanging yourself and reading a whole bunch of horror stories of failed attempts that lead to permanent brain damage, etc. I thought a gun would be the best option. It would all be over in a flash. But the process of getting a gun here in Maryland is ridiculous. Permit, then a 16 week gun handling course, then background check etc. So I just kept binging on porn, and as usual, it never felt good. My erections were weak because my mind was depressed and suicidal, which only made me want to PMO more. Then Sunday came. I started thinking about having to wake up early to go to the job that I hate and I just wanted to kill myself more. But at the end of the day, I just couldn't do it.

Fast forward to today, I just passed the 1 week mark of no PMO. The urges mainly come at night, which is the worst, but I've conquered them for the most part. There was one instance when the flashes of past scenes were nonstop. I pulled my laptop and started to look, but I just couldn't get myself to PM. I was in fear. I think I was about 3 or 4 days in, and I knew I would go right back to being suicidal if I came. So I put the laptop away and rolled in bed til I had to wake up for work. I haven't had a good night's sleep in about 4 days because of these flashes, but I know with every urge I beat, the stronger my willpower gets. I have a long way to go. I've been a flatline before even giving up porn because of my underlying  depression. I feel like a zombie. It's like I'm in the middle of two hells. If I PMO, I will be stuck as a porn addicted adult virgin that will end up killing himself at one point. But staying away from porn is painful and depressing and reading about people taking YEARS to recover just makes me hopeless. But at least in this hell, there is a light at the end of it. So I will take it one step at a time and do everything in my power to stay in this hell and not the hell that leads to suicide. Funny enough, it is fear that is keeping me going. Fear of never being better, fear of never having sex, fear of never truly feeling pure joy again (I honestly don't remember what it feels like to be happy).

Good luck to you all. 

My friend, you have got to seek professional help. Having heavy suicidal thoughts and trying to commit suicide is serious as yourself surlely know. To get out of that, you will need support.
Even if you dont see it right now, there is a way out. You have got to commit to do anything to get out of your shitty life or the feeling, that it is. You digged yourself a hole and you dont know, how to get out of it right now, but believe me, there is a way out.
You are afraid of the work, the sacrifices and the pain, that will be involvedto get out if that. But you have got to commit to do anyrhing in your power to make it out of this hole.
Whatever life will throw at you, you eont back down. Commit to find a solution to your life.
Your problems are rooted far deeper than just porn addiction. You hate your whole life right now. But you can find a way to change it.

Good luck man

Hi overcomer,

This fight is hard for all of us. Just avoiding PMO is not enough, you need to change your life. Find yourself some projects to focus. Workout, learning some new skill....  You can do it man.