Journal

wwalker19

Active Member
So I am 23 years old, I have been consuming porn regularly since I was 11.  I have known I've had a problem with porn at least somewhat over the past four years, but this past year has been exceptionally difficult, through a number of shameful and problematic behaviors that I cannot repeat.  Ultimately, I need to quit for my mental/emotional health, as well as my career and my relationship.  I have been attempting to quit since March of this year, with limited success.  I have managed generally one to two weeks at a time, but always end up caving in.  I have a blocker, and my girlfriend knows and is supporting me through this.  I have been attempting to redirect my triggers when I sense them, but god, sometimes it feels so difficult.  Does anyone have any tips on this?
I suppose what I am asking is, when I feel like I just really want to watch porn, despite the fact that I know I don't, what do you do?  I have techniques to distract myself, but sometimes I just don't do them because part of me does want to watch.  How do I get past this, and make it longer than two weeks?  I want to live completely clean of any pornography whatsoever, but right now, it feels impossible. 
I'm writing this coming off of one week clean, having just relapsed.  Last week, I relapsed after two.  I just need to get back on the horse and stay there, but I'm having such difficulty.

I am going to begin cataloging my triggers in an effort to better understand myself, so that I can take preemptive action to help myself succeed.  I know I feel triggered when I see beautiful women, but also when I am alone in the home, when I feel isolated, stressed, bored, or frustrated.  Today, I relapsed because I was attempting to work on something on my laptop that was stressful to me while I was alone.  These two things in combination were all it took.  I even managed to stop and get away from my laptop twice, but I came back.  Going forward, I am going to put away my laptop and only take it out to use when others are in the house, especially if it is to do something stressful.

Ok, so yesterday I relapsed.  I am thinking it was likely due to some small cheats I made last week (not helping myself succeed), on top of having sex with my girlfriend on the weekends tends to create chaser effects during the week.  I am adjusting where I keep my computer in the house to better help myself going forward, and I am going to take the next couple of weeks off of having sex to really focus on this reboot.  I have books, guitar, and D&D to occupy myself with.  Overall, I think trying to spend less time alone in my room will be helpful, so that' my game plan.
 

granav613

Member
Have you tried working out, and I mean lifting some heavy ass weight?

Have you tried eating, I find that when I'm stressed if I eat I don't feel the need to watch anything.

If you get bored easily, find a podcast which is constructive. The Jocko Willink one is pretty good. Or find a good book to read.

If you can avoid working at home do it. If you can rearrange your work station so it isn't the same as the one you used to PMO in it can help.

Also I would examine your social media and entertainment consumption. Get rid of anything overtly sexual and stop watching it until you have kicked porn, your brain is hypersensitive to sexual stimuli while detoxing so you need to avoid those things.

I really hope this helps, I'm sure you'll find what works for you.
 

Sanders

Active Member
Hey wwalker,

Welcome here, thanks for sharing your story! Good steps you've taken already and I can imagine having your GF being so supportive is a great source of help as well. I have a few suggestions that have helped me, many others, and might help you as well. Of course it's personal for everyone but this is what I found to be helpful.

The most important is to shift your thinking from 'moving away from something shit' to 'moving towards something really good'. What do you want to be, what do you want to have changed in your life? Is there a certain goal you're working towards? Keep that goal in mind and have something you want to achieve, you can of course make your goal into smaller subgoals that you can work towards. Additionally you're going to want to get some healthy activities in your life that can replace the need for porn. Excercising, hobbies, learning new things. Something that can take your mind away and make you focus on something postive. You're taking away something that your body has relied on for years, so it's helpful to find something healthy to replace that. Reading about porn adiction, effects and whatnot is also helpful. Yourbrainonporn is a great start, and can direct you into finding many new sources of helpful information. Finally you can practise what 12-step programmes teach. When urges get too big and a life without porn seems too difficult, focus on the day or even on the hour. Focus on that small timeframe in which you do what you can to not fall back in the behaviour. A method I've learned called 'STAR' was helpful. When the urge comes, Step back and observe, Take a few conscious breaths, Assess what's going on around you and ask yourself if this is really what you want, Respond.

Good luck, looking forward to reading your journal if you decide to write that here :)
 

wwalker19

Active Member
Hi,

Thank you for responding.  Let's see... I am working out consistently, and I have several alternatives when I feel triggered.  My problem is that sometimes, I just don't use them.  I'll consistently go for a week or two, and I'll have triggers that I deal with.  Eventually I get to a point where the idea of PMO is floating around in my head and I dismiss it, again and again and again throughout the day, until I just do it without a second thought.  I have blockers, and everything, but they can't fully prevent it.  I don't know how to get past this... anyone struggling with something similar?  I have gotten to around the one to two week mark again and again, probably 6 or 7 times now, but I can't get past it. 
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Yeah, sounds like my life  ::). I did 6 days consecutively like 4 or 5 times. Eventually I passed it though. Just be patient with yourself and also guard your focus on your goal. Feed yourself more with recovery stories from materials on this website and books you can lay your hands.
Keep pushing back!
Chris
 

Kraken

Well-Known Member
hey walker!  Like most people on this site, I've been where you are rebounding every couple days or weeks for years.  The thing that really got me some progress in 2018 was when I thru hiked a long distance trail for 6 months living on the trail.  That showed me that a porn free life made me feel good.  Once I returned the stress of daily life brought me back to porn on and off for a year.

I found success by deciding I wanted to be porn free and take all the emotions I was hiding in porn and turn them into love for a girlfriend.  I knew from experience that I'd need a few months of recovery in order to feel comfortable dating. 

So that was my goal.  I posted on my journal every day.  I listened to a lot of zig ziglar, brain tracy, and seth godin audiobooks.  They are positive, have good info and give hope.

I started volunteering again.  That's a super effective way to combat porn.  Give your time to help other people.  Lots of options, I help advise a college club, and help disabled persons with sporting activities.

I started taking my hobbies more seriously.  I got involved with running and learning Korean through an online tutor.

And after about five months and a few months of dating, I found my girlfriend who is a perfect fit for me.  Now all those feelings and emotions and love have a place to go, and they make her happy and make me happy.  It's been a year and a month pmo free and it's 1000% worth it.  Now I don't get triggered very often and when I do they are very week.  Maybe once a month now.  Before it was many times a day.

Porn is just a habit that makes you feel comfortable when stressed.  Find some new habits, take it slow, be kind to yourself and journal here every day.

You can do it,

Squid 


 

wwalker19

Active Member
Hello everyone, it's been a few days since I last posted, but going forward I am focusing on doing it daily.  I have been working on adjusting my environment and schedule in a sort of lifestyle shift that should make things more streamlined, hopefully.  I am trying to start the mornings off now by going through a morning routine every day, I make sure to get up early and I will post here each morning.  I am going to read a chunk of a book during the morning that is relevant or related to my recovery, currently I am reading What We Talk About When We Talk About Rape.  It is a great book, and it helps me see some of the awful things in the world that supporting the porn industry means.  I very much want to pursue a career in human development of some sort, and I have been pursuing education up until now.  I would like to somehow support women who have been abused and manipulated by the porn industry, or support women who are survivors of sexual assault.  I want to give back, somehow.

I have been listening to the Porn Reboot Podcast lately, it's really quite good, I recommend it.  it helps me stay connected with my goals and aware of what I am working toward.  I am trying to replace my porn use with other constructive habits as well, such as reading, playing guitar, playing D&D, exercising, and so forth.  This week has been quite good, and I hope to keep it up.

My one slip up was earlier today, when I was browsing vintage stores.  I saw some old Playboy magazines, and I looked through a few.  I knew it was cheating and a slip, but I just didn't have the willpower to prevent it.  Surprisingly, there was a lot less nudity than I expected, and what I saw was so much less explicit than what I am accustomed to.  So... I guess that's a bright side?  As far as relapses go, it wasn't too bad.  I'm still on the horse, and my system is working.  Good luck everyone!
 

wwalker19

Active Member
Hello again!  Today is day five clean of internet porn.  I am feeling good about my new process.  keeping filters on everything I own that alert my significant other, keeping my devices well away from my bedroom, and giving all gaming devices to my brother has been helpful.  I have been keeping busy, trying to exercise and play guitar, and read.  Things are going decently well.

I am doing pretty well overall, and I hope this will continue.  Creating a system so that I don't need to rely on my willpower to fight triggers is considerably more helpful, as I often just collapse under the mental weight.  Hopefully this week goes as well as last!
 

wwalker19

Active Member
Today is day #6, and the first of my rel new system in earnest.  My difficulty (and also strength) is that i travel to see my girlfriend every weekend, so my schedule is thrown out of whack.  Finding consistency through the weekends into the week I think is going to be my goal for ths new process.

I told a friend about my struggle, so now I have told my brother and girlfriend and three good friends.  I am setting up an accountability system where each day of the week is reserved to text someone who knows about my addiction and recovery process.  I think having this constant connection, accountability, and support will make a big difference.  Here's to hoping today stays good!
 

wwalker19

Active Member
Today is day #7.  This past week has gone by with incomparable ease compared to all of my past reboots.  I have to attribute this to my new system, it has helped so much.  I am in the process of creating a seven day accountability process with seven diffferent friends currently, so that after work when I should be working on productive hobbies, I know I have a specific person I can text or call who knows about my challenge and who will be encouraging and supportive.  The act of telling others that I am going through this helps quite a lot, and the thought of relapsing and telling all seven of them I relapsed is daunting to say the least.  Just getting rid of my electronics, blocking my phone and laptop and keeping them downstairs have been huge for me.
I had one small slip yesterday where I began fantasizing about a woman I saw, and I managed to nip it in the bud immediately.  Fantasizing is bad news for my reboot.

Hopefully today goes as well!
 

icemaudib

Member
wwalker19 said:
Today is day #7.  This past week has gone by with incomparable ease compared to all of my past reboots.  I have to attribute this to my new system, it has helped so much.  I am in the process of creating a seven day accountability process with seven diffferent friends currently, so that after work when I should be working on productive hobbies, I know I have a specific person I can text or call who knows about my challenge and who will be encouraging and supportive.  The act of telling others that I am going through this helps quite a lot, and the thought of relapsing and telling all seven of them I relapsed is daunting to say the least.  Just getting rid of my electronics, blocking my phone and laptop and keeping them downstairs have been huge for me.
I had one small slip yesterday where I began fantasizing about a woman I saw, and I managed to nip it in the bud immediately.  Fantasizing is bad news for my reboot.

Hopefully today goes as well!

Sounds like you're crushing it buddy. Seven different accountability partners is seriously intense! I'm impressed you have seven friends that you consider worthy of that title! Happy to see you progress :)
Cheers
 

wwalker19

Active Member
Thanks Ice, I feel like I'm crushing it but I don't want to get overconfident.  Anyway, today is the morning of day #8, yesterday went really well again, no cravings or triggers really, though again, one fantasy popped up out of nowhere and I had to kill it.  It's so clear that my porn use has affects my thoughts, I mean this fantasy just came out of nowhere and it was depraved, like really just sickening, and my first reaction was arousal.  I hate that, I hate that I have conditioned myself to be into things that nobody should be into. 

I was going through Squid's journal, and I saw a quote that I don't have exactly, but went something like this.  Porn (along with toxic masculinity) is what causes us to compare our sex lives with one another, to think that having sex with more people is what's important.  But real sex is just between two people, the intimate bond that we create and share together.  I think that's powerful, especially because I am 23 and have been in two back to back 4 year relationships, and so I have never slept around.  Every now and then I wondered what it would be like to date and be single and be with anyone, and it's never really what I want, but the thought has been there.  I know it's porn just making me think the grass is greener on the other side, which I also know it isn't really, because my girlfriend is everything I could ever want.

I guess part of this is me coming to terms with the idea of never seeing another naked woman again, which sounds so stupid, but it almost feels like a loss.  Rationally I know this is the healthy way forward and I will pursue this path no matter what, but I don't want to feel like I am losing anything in this process.  I am growing, so how do I get rid of this shitty nostalgia that accompanies porn?

Anyway, Today is day 8, so I'm on my way.  Fingers crossed that today goes as well as the past 7!
 

wwalker19

Active Member
Thanks Chris, I feel like I understand you as well.  Anyway, today is the morning of day #9, yesterday went pretty well.  There was one slipping point where I was having my girlfriend pass off ownership of the blocker to a good friend of mine, since she is too close to the problem.  When he got ownership of it, he wanted to know how it worked, and I had an urge to search for something explicit to 'test the block.'  We all know how that goes.  But I was good, I searched for porn recovery content since that is often also blocked.

I've realized that this process will have to include me coming to terms with a life without porn, and understanding what that really means.  I've never in my adult life lived without porn, and at first glance it does not seem like such a shift, but it's strange how many aspects of my life it affects.  I am going to need to work on new coping skills for when I am stressed or frustrated, so if anyone has any suggestions please let me know! 

Overall, things are going well and I am very hopeful that they will continue this way.  I am confident a lifestyle shift is key in changing behaviors.  But right now, what I am trying to focusing on is what is it like to live without porn?  What does it mean to be porn free?  What are coping skills I should develop to replace the unhealthy ones?  And I am still trying to displace that nostalgia that accompanies it.

Good luck everyone.  I am with you.
 

wwalker19

Active Member
Today is the morning of day #10.  I am hopeful and confident!  But yesterday was not smooth sailing.  After work, I was very fatigued, and I was stressed about having to run a game for my friends later in making it fun for everyone.  I tried to look for stuff on my blocked phone in the app store, but there's really not much of anything to see.  I managed to stop myself after a couple of minutes, took a shower, reset.  So I'm still going on this reboot, but yesterday was scary.

What I am learning from it is that I can never have my phone on my bed, or really in my closed room at all.  I am going to get an alarm clock so I don't need to bring my phone with me in there.  On top of that, I have set friends to be accountability partners on most days, but I am still missing thursday and sunday.  I am going to talk to my brother about being there for me on thursdays, because not having someone to talk to about my problem in the moment made it worse.

Frustratingly, I did not exercise yesterday either, because I use my laptop to watch exercise videos and I felt I was not safe to do so yesterday.  I think it was the right decision, but one of my goals for the month was to workout five days a week for four weeks in a row.  Perhaps I'll go for a run on saturday, though it'll be hot.

In general, the weekend should be easier since I am with my girlfriend.  On sunday, I must buckle down and jump into my routines with force.  They work, and I am constantly modifying.  I'm on my way up and out!
 

avi

Member
Hey wwalker19, Totally agree with the phone being a distraction. Personally, I keep my phone in a separate room and only access it while prepping lunch or dinner and set it to wind down after 10:30. For anything urgent, people call. If it is not urgent then it is not worth the distraction.
 

wwalker19

Active Member
Today is day #11.  Yesterday was touch and go for a while, and I came to understand why.  I was tense and stressed talking to my girlfriend about this process, and I did not have a healthy way to cope with my emotions.  After a near slip, I have now adjusted my system in a few ways and I know I need to develop coping skills that do not involve porn or masturbation, but frankly I am not sure where to start.  It has always been my escape for shitty feelings, so this will be a process for me.

Otherwise, I am still grappling with what it means to be porn free.  It is a new lifestyle that I need to learn, and I feel as though I have not 100% come to terms with it, although it is what I want.  I also am still not sure how to dispel the nostalgic quality of it, remembering it as something good when it has wrought such destruction in my life.  It's eerie how it tints my perspective so much. 
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
It hard to adjust to not using when porn has been our go to when in stress or upside down emotionally. I think we just have to try to see it as learning a new language. Focusing on the benefits of this new language would help to commit to fitting in.

Thanks walker for your help and support on my forum. I really appreciated it
 

wwalker19

Active Member
Hey Chris, of course!  I am glad to help in any way.  This is a beast to overcome and doint it alone is so much harder than together.  If we keep trying, learn from our failures, and stick together, I have no doubt we will accomplish everything we set out to accomplish.  We're in this together.

Anyway, today is day #12.  I'm doing well, tomorrow will be my personal record for the number of days porn free since I was 11, as far as I know.  Which is mind numbingly crazy honestly.  This weekend was really wonderful, I had such a nice time.  I am now back home away from my girlfriend as with every week, so the next five days will be the next step in my journey.  Spending weekends with her is like a checkpoint, lol.

I learned a few things this week and I am using what I have learned to improve my process and system.  Essentially, I need to completely control my time, with no unaccountable time on my plate.  I created a flowchart of things to do if I end up with free time to remove thought from the process, because trying to decide what to do when porn is looming can make things tougher.  I am being tighter on my environment control with my phone and laptop as I previously mentioned, and I got an alarm clock so I don't need my phone in my room at all ever.  Lastly, I realized I need coping skills for stress and discomfort so I am picking up meditation as a preemptive coping skill, and I am going to look into other ways to relax when I am stressed this week.  If anyone has any suggestions, please don't hesitate to share!

I wish you all the best.  Let's succeed together.
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
For me, I relax with movies. Watching movies and eating is very fun for me. But you have to be very selective if the movies though to avoid sexual scenes
 
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