A wife's journey

I originally posted this on another board. But I wanted to get some intsight from the other women here who are dealing with the same thing.

I'm looking for some help as to how to talk to my husband about this. We've talked about it before. Many many times. I don't know if he doesn't hear me, doesn't understand or just doesn't care.  He thinks this is my problem. That I'm trying to control him. That all guys do it. It's ok. I'm being irrational. I'm a controlling bitch. (He's never actually said I'm a bitch. But that's what it feels like)

I don't have a moral objection to porn or masterbation. I don't think masterbation is gross or wrong or unhealthy. But like everything else in life. It's not a problem until it's a problem. In the beginning I thought we just had different sex drives. I'd like to have sex everyday, every other day? He seems fine with once a week or so. I did bother me but I figured I can't be mad if he's just not horney. So I let it go. Then I find out it's not about his sex drive. Are libidos are not so unevenly matched. He's just jerking off half the time. 
This really hurt me. I didn't understand. I still don't. I'm 34. I'm not fat. I'm not ugly. I like sex. I actively participate. I'm open to try most anything. Why does my husband, who knows I'm right there, who knows I want him and love him, choose porn (or softcore, late night Cinemax and netflix horror porn, etc) over me? There must be something wrong with me. I must be doing something wrong. Or maybe it's that I'm not doing something he wants or needs. I'm too fat. I don't dress sexy enough. I should shower more? Wear more makeup? Get a tan? Do my hair and nails and wear a sexy maid costume? Something. Anything. Why?
So I tell him. What he does makes me feel unwanted. Unattractive. Ugly. Worthless.  He says he will stop. He doesn't. We fight. I cry. I give up. Why bother working out. Why not have another cupcake. Who cares. Makes no difference. Doesn't change the level of attention I don't get. Doesn't change the fact that I initiate 99% of sex. If I don't it just doesn't happen. Or I get the maintenance sex. And the excuses. "Oh I didn't want to wake you" and if course the lies and the cover ups.
Is it to much to ask that my husband want me? I'm beyond sad that this is my sexual relationship. For the rest of my marriage. I don't want to fight porn for your attention. I don't want to cry and beg you to want me. To touch me. To take your eyes off the fucking screen and look at me.
So what do I do? I'm at the point where if rather just not have sex. It's less painful the next time you blow me off.  :'(

It hurts to read this. As a man I feel like I have experienced something similar. I initiate 100% of the sex and if I had not kept trying to seduce my wife... Sex would have stopped. She say no 80-90% of the time, something that hurts my confidence. Not all would agree, but I do feel the situation is worse for a woman, partially because society teaches us (often wrongly) that men is supposed to need more sex.

I turned to porn to 'even out the difference' not knowing about the dangerous effects.

For me it seams your husband is suffering from porn addiction and possibly PIED. He needs to understand the consequences himself. For me the video 'the great porn experiment' was enough. I expect your husband needs more motivation.

My suggestion would be the following.
1. Read some of the woman posts, you are not alone.
2. Make a full evaluation of your marriage and situation. A full confrontation might lead to a breakup, so you need to determine how hard you will push this. I thing you are in a situation where you have to do something.
3. If you decide to fight. You start with saying you love him (if you do) but that his behaviour is unacceptable (it really is).
4. Make him watch the video I described
5. Based on you decisions in 2. I think you need to make some sort of ultimatum. You or the porn. It does not hurt to make him understand that while you will do your best to help him, he will not get the same help in a new relationship. He is choosing porn or real... Maybe for the rest of his life.

Good luck!

You're not alone. What you said is very similar to what my wife said to me.

I told her that it has nothing to do with her. It's purely my addiction and I should be responsible for consequences. She still questions my attraction to her :/

I can relate to everything you've mentioned. I feel for you. Being married to a PA is the worst thing that has ever happened to me but the irony is that he's the best thing that has happened to me when we got married. I don't think he isn't attracted to you. His addiction is what distracts him from appreciating you and robs the two of you from the quality time (and sexy time!) that you should be enjoying. It's about time that he rules out his addiction. My husband hasn't fully recovered but 2 years ago, there's a bit of improvement with his erection, especially with the fact that he doesn't (ever) wanna see a therapist. It's very hard but I love him. Painful.

But be strong hun.

I was where you were..and its so painful. You are right, it is usually the men who want sex all the time and the woman who is not in the mood.  We were together 3 years, moving back n forth to b with each other..then we made it permanent and i moved to his state for good. The first week I think we had sex 3 times and then it completely went cold.  His excuse is he was tired, or that our relationship had now moved up to another level...just living life day by day.  I began to feel like his sister or something.  I know he dearly loves me but I left him. I too felt unattractive and I am quite the opposite.I told him if he would admit his addiction, I would fight it with him. and YES men vested in a relationship will never get that kind of support with another relationship.
It wasnt until someone explained to me that is was the addiction. He needed the fantasy, the chat, the video in order to feel alive and it had nothing to do with his feeling for me. Its an addiction. I am so sorry you too and many other women go through this. It is the bottom feeling. Stay in support and you will find other stories like yours, I have only been here 2 days but for the first time I feel like I am not alone

Sorry to hear of your challenges with your man.
You really should consider the advice offered by MwC.
Your man probably does need to be given an ultimatum. He is fortunate that he still has you now.

I wish you success going forward.

Rider 

MwC said:

My suggestion would be the following.
1. Read some of the woman posts, you are not alone.
2. Make a full evaluation of your marriage and situation. A full confrontation might lead to a breakup, so you need to determine how hard you will push this. I thing you are in a situation where you have to do something.
3. If you decide to fight. You start with saying you love him (if you do) but that his behaviour is unacceptable (it really is).
4. Make him watch the video I described
5. Based on you decisions in 2. I think you need to make some sort of ultimatum. You or the porn. It does not hurt to make him understand that while you will do your best to help him, he will not get the same help in a new relationship. He is choosing porn or real... Maybe for the rest of his life.

Good luck!

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I very much agree with MwC, but may I add that when you talk to your husband make sure you are calm and cool. Don't bring it up when you are irritated or had enough with him. Keep in mind that people are much more willing to talk when they don't feel cornered and when there aren't raised voices. Try not to make "you" statements, like "you did (something) and I am hurt). Try to talk about the addition as an entity in itself, not him, but something that he deals with.

Maybe sit him down after you had a good moment together. Let him know how you feel and how it has hurt you.

Ultimately, he needs to admit this problem to himself, if he is unwilling to accept that this is a problem of his, you may want to consider other options, such as leaving. This is hard of course, try to walk with him through this first, try a few different methods, but if can't admit the problem, then there is nothing else you can do. It is unfair for him to blame it on you.

Marriedwife said:

I'm looking for some help as to how to talk to my husband about this. We've talked about it before. Many many times. I don't know if he doesn't hear me, doesn't understand or just doesn't care.  He thinks this is my problem. :'(

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This is the part that reminded me of me ....  Trying to figure out the right thing to say, even though I'd said "it" at least 100 different times, in as many ways as I could think of.  My thoughts are it's not really that complicated.  He hears you - he cares and he doesn't.  I think it's important to try to stop figuring him out, and focus on you.  What do you need?  What do you want?  Who are you in this?  Are you strong enough to be honest with yourself and him about how you really feel?  I spent years tip-toeing, doing myself a disservice.

Take the best care of yourself.

Hugs!

ex

I was just clicking around the site to see what the atmosphere is like, and this is the second post I've read. It's also the post that made me sign up for an account. As I read this post I had to stop and think, "did I write this?" If it wasn't for the part about not being fat, I would have thought I wrote in my hours of distraught stress recently. Thank you. Seriously. I always felt like it was just me... being crazy...