ToomuchisToomuch
Member
Hello Everyone,
It has been a positive experience in reading some of the content on this forum and understanding that there are many of us in this fight for our lives and souls. Strength comes in numbers, and there are a lot of us.
My own personal story has had it's many ups and downs over the years. In 2015 I can say that I hit rock bottom. My porn addiction had raged on for most of my life and had expanded into other things, like massage parlours and cheating on my girlfriend at the time. I started attending SAA meetings three times a week and went through the emotional ups and very low downs through many months over that year. I was able to abstain from my porn addiction and discover parts of me that I had not previously known existed. The journey through the lowest depths of despair led to some of the best times of my life. I met my current partner and now spouse. I found a personal strength and honesty within myself, and that resulted in some very positive personal growth.
It's now 2020 and over the past five years, slowly and surely, my addiction has worked its way back into my life. Where once I was completely honest with my wife, I know have secrets. I have begun to act out more and more, first with pornography and then back into massage parlours and even escorts from time to time. I feel the bottom once again coming up on me and I need to do whatever I can to stop this descent into the lower depths once more. I love my wife. I feel torn apart internally for what I have done, and what kills me is that she has no idea that under the surface of my honest exterior lies a person full of regret and shame. My wife knows that I have a porn addiction. She does not know the rest of it.
My last form of acting out came on September 11th and then 12th. The 11th was with a prostitute and the 12th with porn. My wife was out of town. In the weeks leading up to those days, I could not get the notion out of my head to act out. it was constant. I battled internally with myself, had internal arguments with myself, and eventually it was the bad wolf that won out, like so many times before. And since then, I have been able to abstain from acting out, mostly because of the shame I am dealing with. But the seals are starting to break again. I can feel the pull beginning again, and dammit I know that I am heading for another bad situation if I don't stop this here and now.
So I am writing to you all for help. I cannot do this alone. I am meditating regularly, with a focus on avoiding cravings, and just letting those thoughts pass by. I have an appointment with a therapist coming up. I want to attend meetings again. I am listening to an Audiobook called It's Not About the Sex, which is giving me strength as well. I will continue to come to this site when sitting in front of my computer instead of the alternative. I want to win this fight. I did it once, but let my guard down. I won't make that same mistake.
Thanks for reading, and I would very much appreciate any other suggestions on moving forward.
It has been a positive experience in reading some of the content on this forum and understanding that there are many of us in this fight for our lives and souls. Strength comes in numbers, and there are a lot of us.
My own personal story has had it's many ups and downs over the years. In 2015 I can say that I hit rock bottom. My porn addiction had raged on for most of my life and had expanded into other things, like massage parlours and cheating on my girlfriend at the time. I started attending SAA meetings three times a week and went through the emotional ups and very low downs through many months over that year. I was able to abstain from my porn addiction and discover parts of me that I had not previously known existed. The journey through the lowest depths of despair led to some of the best times of my life. I met my current partner and now spouse. I found a personal strength and honesty within myself, and that resulted in some very positive personal growth.
It's now 2020 and over the past five years, slowly and surely, my addiction has worked its way back into my life. Where once I was completely honest with my wife, I know have secrets. I have begun to act out more and more, first with pornography and then back into massage parlours and even escorts from time to time. I feel the bottom once again coming up on me and I need to do whatever I can to stop this descent into the lower depths once more. I love my wife. I feel torn apart internally for what I have done, and what kills me is that she has no idea that under the surface of my honest exterior lies a person full of regret and shame. My wife knows that I have a porn addiction. She does not know the rest of it.
My last form of acting out came on September 11th and then 12th. The 11th was with a prostitute and the 12th with porn. My wife was out of town. In the weeks leading up to those days, I could not get the notion out of my head to act out. it was constant. I battled internally with myself, had internal arguments with myself, and eventually it was the bad wolf that won out, like so many times before. And since then, I have been able to abstain from acting out, mostly because of the shame I am dealing with. But the seals are starting to break again. I can feel the pull beginning again, and dammit I know that I am heading for another bad situation if I don't stop this here and now.
So I am writing to you all for help. I cannot do this alone. I am meditating regularly, with a focus on avoiding cravings, and just letting those thoughts pass by. I have an appointment with a therapist coming up. I want to attend meetings again. I am listening to an Audiobook called It's Not About the Sex, which is giving me strength as well. I will continue to come to this site when sitting in front of my computer instead of the alternative. I want to win this fight. I did it once, but let my guard down. I won't make that same mistake.
Thanks for reading, and I would very much appreciate any other suggestions on moving forward.