Here I am again

eyecan

Member
Hello everyone. Five years ago I joined this community under the name of neuenman, I put in a good effort and managed a 90 day streak, then I fell to pieces and in shame never returned here. Needless to say that was a stupid mistake. A couple of years after I managed another 90 day streak but it went the same way. I was 48 then, now I'm 53.
I need help, someone to lean on when I'm about to fall, I'm very tired of my unhappiness and the unhappiness I cause to others, I'm tired of all the shame and fear and sadness.
I'm on a 35 day streak, I'm getting through today but I want to get through tomorrow and the day after and so on. Please help me guys, if I know anything is that I can't do this in a vacuum, I have to be accountable to someone. I realize that "eyecan" sounds cocky as a handle but I got to believe that it is possible. Otherwise I might as well end it all, I had enough.
My story is here if someone wants to read it: http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=4279.msg44758#msg44758

Right now I'm dealing with blurry vision, frequent urination, sadness, fatigue, erotic dreams, testicle pain. Great fun.
 

TheNorman

Active Member
Welcome back Eyecan. Nothing wrong with having some swagger for your name, lord knows we've all had a lot of our swagger taken away by shame and sadness. 35 days is a good streak and you've put together a couple 90 day streaks too. If you had a 90 day and then fell down and then had another 90 day streak that's still 179 better days than when you'd just resign yourself to PMO everyday and the shit it puts you through. We're all happy to help any way we can.
 

LetItGoAlready

Active Member
Hi Eyecan,

I came back here after a long absence too. It's not easy coming back, but hopefully you'll find as I have that it's the same old forum with a great bunch of guys who will support you in your goal of getting through today, tomorrow, and beyond.

The physical stuff you're dealing with right now sounds like hell. If it's related to your reboot, you should take it as a sign of progress. Hang in there, friend. I'm rooting for you.
 

eyecan

Member
Thank you TheNorman and LetitGoAlready for your kind replies, it's nice to feel welcome. Today I'm on day 39, feeling a bit better, my vision has improved, urinating less frequently. The feelings of unexplained sadness and anger come and go still, sometimes I feel like I'm just a leaf caught in the wind, being pushed and pulled every which way. Yet I believe this will pass too. Wish me luck guys, I'm trying my goddam best.
 
Hello eyecan!
That handle isn't cocky at all brother. It shows there is still desire to defeat those internal demons that can bring us all back down. As I read your story from 2015 my heart was breaking for you. Then I had to chuckle a little bit when I read about apologizing to your penis and testicles. We are 2 that are in the same boat. I am also 53 and have had pornography and sex addiction destroy what was a joyous part of my life. It crushed a 20 year marriage right down to it's foundation. I was also around 12 when I was abused by an older teen. Though I never recognized it as abuse because to me it felt great and introduced me to masturbation and orgasm. From there I followed a near identical path that you followed. I think the boom in internet porn was the real catalyst in my downfall. It's there 24/7 and can become all consuming. I found a friend here on the forum and we keep in contact through whatsapp. We have anonymous accounts set up there. I also started attending SAA zoom meetings. While I haven't actually contributed much to the discussions I find hearing the stories of others, their triumphs and struggles, very motivating. I was a little tense the first meeting but I'm slowly feeling more relaxed. It is a great group of men! I also got the green book for SAA which is very similar to the steps in AA. It incorporates the same type of steps and shows we must turn over our addictions to a higher power. Whether that is God or something else is up to the individual. I know you said in your post that you weren't really "religious" but you do believe in God. You also put a beautiful quote from the book of Isaiah. If you are interested in having an accountability partner please reach out and send me a message. I believe we can be extremely helpful to each other in taming this beast.

Godspeed,
Lerxst
 

eyecan

Member
Hi Lerxst, thanks for the message I appreciate your words, sorry to hear about your marriage, that is sad and is also another example of how strong this ugly addiction can be. I've now been clean for 44 days, it feels like a long time. Thoughts about pr0n and sex come  and go, I try to not dwell on them, but at times it can be difficult. The other day I was thinking about beating my addiction and a possible future of regaining my sexual health and strength and being in a healthy meaningful relationship, something I have only dreamed of for many years. I realized then that even if I don't get any of that it still is worth beating the addiction for the sake of me, the first person I should love. It's strange but it was the first time I ever had such a thought. Thank you for offering to be an accountability partner, I will consider it. I'm getting through today, gotta be strong to get through tomorrow.
 

eyecan

Member
Day 45: Made it through another day, it's a month and a half now. Thank God the frequent urination problem is getting much better, Uva Ursi Tincture and Nettle Leaf Tea help a lot, I'm very happy about this. Also my knees had been hurting for quite a while and for the last four days they have been feeling great. Blurry vision still comes and goes but I'm sure it will get better. My mood has also improved and that's good, but given my previous experiences I'm sure I will ups and downs again sooner than later. It's all good though, better to go though the withdrawal pains than to be comfortably numb in pr0n limbo. Staying the course.
 

eyecan

Member
So today is day 49 of being clean, 7 weeks. It's a good streak but i'm not gonna celebrate as I've been here before and still fell. But I'm happy for this weeks that I've been free of self loathing and I do feel better about myself. Moodiness, lack of livido and some other symptoms bother me, but that's the price of freedom. At times I think how different my life would have been if I had been stronger and had more self respect to avoid falling in this trap, these thoughts make me very sad, so many years gone, wasted. I hesitate to dream of a bright future because given my previous experience I find it hard to believe in one. Yet I must strive and not give up, else all is lost.
 
J

J01

Guest
Great job on this restart-nice move coming back and seeking to improve your life.  You can indeed create a future for yourself.  Now that you are back on track things will likely become clearer, and focus and direction should be a little bit easier to navigate.  Stay with it!
 
Hey eyecan, congrats on staying on the straight and narrow. Try not to spend too much time looking in that rear view mirror. Dwelling on the things from the past will only get you down and when you are down you are more likely to look for relief from that depression. Focus on what's ahead of you, a better life without porn. Porn sobriety isn't an easy thing for us. It takes practice and sometimes we have a misstep. But i don't think hope is ever lost as long as we have the desire to quit and better ourselves. So many addicts, be it drugs, booze, or porn, have been at rock bottom and thought they would never crawl out. But they did, and so can we. Keep it up brother. We stand with you in support.
 

eyecan

Member
Thank you Lerxst for your encouragement, your words are wise and kind. I'm on day 53, things are not too bad except for the odd mood swing. So I keep going.
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
eyecan said:
At times I think how different my life would have been if I had been stronger and had more self respect to avoid falling in this trap, these thoughts make me very sad, so many years gone, wasted. I hesitate to dream of a bright future because given my previous experience I find it hard to believe in one. Yet I must strive and not give up, else all is lost.

All you can do is be clean today, right? I share your sadness and sense of loss for years gone and wasted, but there's nothing either of us can do to bring them back. All we can do is make the most of now, which is what you appear to be doing very well. Congrats!
 

3rdprecept

Member
Thank you Eyecan for posting and coming back. This is my first time here, posting a personal journal and making an outward attempt to abstain from PMO.  I've tried to quit so many times but can't manage to get more than a week.

I'm on day 3 right now.  Posted my first journal entry. I don't want to make this reply all about me...so I'll end by again saying thank you for posting.
 

eyecan

Member
Thank you 3rdprecept for your kind words. This is an uphill battle but as many here will tell you it's doable. Focus on staying clean for today, tomorrow do the same and so on. One day at the time. Stay busy, avoid boredom, if tempted take a cold shower or ask someone for help. Unclean thoughts pop up into our heads, do not panic, just don't dwell on them, don't let them linger: thought is the seed of action. Now I will try to follow my own advice, and again tomorrow, and so on. Be strong and keep busy.
 

eyecan

Member
Today is day 60, 2 months clean thank God. Some days are fine, some days the symptoms come back: sadness, moodiness, fatigue, dreams. The dreams I would call interesting if they were not happening to me, four nights or so ago I had a disturbing pornographic nightmare, 48 hours later I had an erotic dream about a co-worker. No livido and still fighting random sex thoughts. Staying the course.
 

eyecan

Member
Today is day 71. My mood was horrible this morning, I felt anger and tightness in my chest. I work with the public so I can not show this negative emotions, it was a hard day. No livido, pornographic thoughts plaguing me the last few days, they pop into my head and I have to fight them to keep from dwelling on them and fantasizing, which basically would be watching porn inside my head. I've been thinking that I must replace porn with something wholesome, like a life maybe? This may be the hardest part, as I never thought much of myself and I sometimes catch myself thinking what would anybody see in me. I often feel like I have nothing to offer.
 

LetItGoAlready

Active Member
I've been thinking that I must replace porn with something wholesome, like a life maybe? This may be the hardest part, as I never thought much of myself and I sometimes catch myself thinking what would anybody see in me. I often feel like I have nothing to offer.

Eyecan - Well done on getting to 71 days. That's impressive! I'd like to comment on your thought process here, if I could, because it pains me to see some of the same attitudes I've had towards myself at times repeated by someone else. I believe that the way you're seeing yourself right now and how you're feeling are integrally connected. You say your mood is horrible, so naturally you're being unkind to yourself and are choosing only to see the negative side of things.

No matter what your thoughts are telling you about yourself right now, don't buy in to them. You're not an unmotivated, do-nothing loser who has nothing to offer the world. You're someone who is bravely putting up with this bullshit so you can become the best possible version of yourself that you can be. Stay strong, my friend, and believe that you are worth the struggle!
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
eyecan said:
No livido, pornographic thoughts plaguing me the last few days, they pop into my head and I have to fight them to keep from dwelling on them and fantasizing, which basically would be watching porn inside my head. I've been thinking that I must replace porn with something wholesome, like a life maybe?

Congrats on fighting-off that negative mindset. Challenge is that "not allowing a space for P" only goes so far, because when we remove something that took up a huge amount of our brain function and energy, it creates a vacuum. Concentrating on "not being a P addict" fills that void for a while but without finding something else to replace the old source of engagement, we can remain stuck in a cycle of negativity. So you're right to look for a wholesome replacement.
 
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