10 Day Relapse

This relapse was a bad one. Suicidal thoughts popped into my head afterwards. For about twenty minutes I was trying to figure out how to hang my belt around a sturdy foundation on my ceiling. I wast thinking about wrapping it around my ceiling fan but that wouldnt work. I started looking for anything I could temporarily drill into the ceiling to act as a solid foundation.

Then I snapped.

I took a deep breath and did some research on porn blockers for my computer and android. In doing so I PMO'd and a feeling of hollowness ensued. As a side note, I have been at the rebooting process for roughly three-four years. I have been past ninety days and lost my virginity then.... those were the days. For some reason, I can't make it back there. The furthest I have gotten since was fifty days.

I have success when I am not stressed out. When I'm not in school, I'm not working and I'm more successful. But that is life and I have no way around that. Don't get me wrong, I love University, especially because I have finally found my area of study: Creative Writing. I love every moment of my fiction and screenplay classes but they are so god dam intense. I have a huge history of anxiety and I used pornography to escape from my issues in high school (abusive father who made me feel like I was worthless). I have come a long way and I continue to see counselling for those demons. I am in a much better place with my father but I still have this tendency to use porn when I am stressed out.

I am currently writing a short story for my fiction class and it isn't going well. I am really far behind in it and its due in four days. I was at the library working on it today and I was looking at lesbian porn tumblr accounts on the side. The library is my haven because I know that I cannot do things such as browsing at porn. Something happened today and I was just a complete zombie (hungover?). Just scrolling through pornography pages. I told myself that I wouldnt jerk off when I got home (It was ten days abstaining today and I am on a roll). I felt super depressed walking home and as I entered my home, a bunch of my friends stood in the hallway drinking and eating weed brownies (I quit pot three years ago because it correlated with porn negatively). Everyone wanted to talk to me and I just went upstairs to try and finish my story. Then I relapsed.

What I am most upset about is being a complete fucking sham. I recently was interviewed by my school newspaper for their upcoming sex issue. I've advocated against pornography addiction before in one of my journalism classes and people took a liking to it. I was given a lot of praise for standing in front of the class and telling everyone about it. So this girl from that class now a staff writer on the school newspaper wanted to interview me for this sex issue. She is writing an article about online pornography addiction awareness. I talked to her for an hour a couple days ago and I felt proud of myself, for putting myself out there and hopefully helping someone on campus that is afraid to speak about it.

But this is all shit when I fucking fall down so god damn often. I CANT STOP.

I'm going back to the basics and installing a porn blocker on my laptop and android. Anyone know of any good ones besides K-9 web protection?

The shit I just relapsed to was rather extreme. I've been having more difficulty abstaining from regular masturbation, I am pretty good with abstaining from pornography. I feel like I have taken SO many steps backward. I'm so fucking weak, I cant fight my urges.

Hey dude, thanks for sharing. Focus on the outcome that you want and visualize that with all intensity. I would forgive yourself at this point and just move forward. There is nothing else that you can do at this point. Focusing on the negative does not help your situation, it makes you only more depressed. Visualize yourself porn free and imagine how that feels like. Keep repeating that image in your head over and over again until your brain associates pleasure with that new mental image. People may hate on you, you may doubt yourself, you may hate yourself, but if it helps at all

I BELIEVE IN YOU! YOU WILL BE SUCCESSFUL! EVERYTHING WILL TURN OUT FINE!

I feel you brother. The suicidal ideation and the bottomless depression.
But I believe there's a way out.

sthomper6 said:

I have success when I am not stressed out. When I'm not in school, I'm not working and I'm more successful.

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Have you read this post?
https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/ym29e/you_know_how_masturbation_is_related_to_captivity/
Maybe you'd benefit from making some (temporary) changes to your environment and work/sterss-load?
I especially like the first reply: "...I am constantly in some state of stress or panic..."

Eventhough you like the subjects you're studying, the stress, probably perfomance anxiety and the general environment might keep/prevent you from healing?
Also, as the first reply to the post above suggests "...I'm eating better, exercising, making new friends, meeting girls, playing music..."
Are you taking care of your body and mind?

What I'm trying to say is: reading your post I feel you're fighting an up-hill battle against an overwhelming enemy. It seems you brought a knife to a nuclear weapons fight.

sthomper6 said:

But this is all shit when I fucking fall down so god damn often. I CANT STOP.

Click to expand...

sthomper6 said:

I'm so fucking weak, I cant fight my urges.

Click to expand...

You're not weak, but you can't fight you urges. They have all the arms and amunition, you have a wooden butter knife.
You can't fight your urges. You have to out-smart them.

You need to take a long hard look at your life and (temporarily) make necessary adjustments to facilitate healing and growth.

I'm not saying you should drop out of school.
I am saying you should identify all the things holding you back from progress and make necessary adjustments to heal and grow. What ever you're doing now desn't seem to be working, right?
Maybe you just need meditation? Pherhaps some more physical activity?

sthomper6 said:

...but they are so god dam intense.

Click to expand...

I think this is a key. Without knowing you, your environment, your history or anything else about you for that matter, it seems stress management and reduction should be be you number one priority.

Hope this helps in any way 
YOU CAN WIN THIS WAR!
(Yes it's a war! You didn't start it, but you are going to finish it)

Hi

You are not alone in your struggles! Stay strong. Once you have passed the test that life puts you through right now, you will be among the strongest people. The greater the pain right now, the greater the joy later. My father is also an abusive alcoholic with low self esteem. I too have had and still have anxiety and self image problems but they eventually go away. They always do! It's all in our head. Keep working at it every day. Keep working at improving your means of perceiving reality, yourself and the people around. The more you try, the more you see that you are a normal person, like everybody lese.

From what you said, the first thing that I would do in your place would be exercise. Exercise worked for me. Doesn't matter what kind. Just go for physical exercise. Walk long distances instead of taking the bus. Keeps the brain up and running at its highest. Enjoy the sights of the city, the parks. Look for things that inspire you in your writing. Keep pursuing the things that you are passionate about.