Journals > Ages 30-39

It's about time

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Stressrelief:
Hello All,
               I've called myself stress relief because that's what I thought I was doing when I was MPO. 
I have to admit I have a strong moral code which I think over time MPO has managed to break.  I did not understand I was trying to chase ever increasing highs with the use of guilt and forbidden sex.  MPO has put me in a few awkward situations which I just want to forget and I thank God I have not had to feel the consequences of my actions, probably due to the good nature of people involved and just some dumb luck. To date I have not had intercourse with anyone but my Wife, which I thank my moral code for, but I have been in a few situations which I should not have been.

Anyhow I'm 39 and married to the most wonderful, sexy, loving and beautiful woman in the world. I was blessed when I met her and many people have told me how very beautiful she is. I think she choose me because I was fun, a good person and had a strong moral code but I think MPO has erased some of that, if not alot of it.

I knew I would rather MPO than make love to her but I didn't understand that I wasn't getting either an erection or maintaining one during sex because of MPO.  I suffer from significant bruising to the top my penis.  I visited my Doctor who sent me to a sexual health clinic. I met my Wife at a young age and when I told them how many sexual partners I have had in my life, well they just kind of smiled.  They diagnosed me with a skin condition and likened it to my hands going blue in the cold and advised there was nothing to worry about.  I have spent many years rubbing various creams onto the tip in order to help it heal.  I did realise during MPO that I was causing myself discomfort and after the event, at times, I could hardly walk with our significant pain.  But I never really understood that the real cause of my penis problem could be down to my "death grip" and MPO addiction.

I have been MPO since the age of 12 and have continued this for 27 years.  I had some mags and I progressed to owing over 40 3 hour tapes which on long play VHS were actually 6 hrs. I earned the name of "The Porn King". During the first years of internet porn I think I may have MPO for 18 hours straight. No food no break.  I think that night I went to sleep and when I woke I called sick into work and continued for a further 10 hours,  boy that was a sore penis time.

I have tried to stop numerous times,  I did the usual, deleted all my porn,  pulled out the cable connection, hid my mags but I never lasted very long. But last October I stopped watching Porn altogether and after a while I began to notice my beautiful Wife more and once or twice toward the end of October love making happened and it was fireworks. Once November came I just tried MPO for a small bit. That was me hooked again.

I never realised that I could use her vagina as a masturbatory device and I ashamed to say a number of times I could not finish and I would pull out and finish by masturbation.  I thought this was all normal lovemaking, just a bit of variety or at times some tiredness not MPO ED. I knew MPO was having a negative affect on my life but I was unsure how to stop. I researched the 12 steps program but it wasn't for me and I knew October was so good.  I took up cooking and baking,  I cleaned and read,  I played guitar, life was fun and my Wife was looking hotter than ever. But I relapsed.

I stopped Wednesday week ago and either last Thursday or Wednesday I MPO to some erotic film, so I've reset the clock.  I didn't realise that was cheating I guess I should have read some more on YBOP.

Anyhow if I reset then I think this is day 5.   

I have to say MPO is very good at taking away the hurt of living and helped me switch off from the stressors and disappointments of life.  In reality it's been a very good friend to me and always looked after me when I needed it most and I'll miss it.

I just didn't realise the price I was paying for that numbness(literally were my penis was concerned) and I'm very lucky to have a supportive and understanding Wife who can still see the good in me.

Wish me luck

Platano:
Great to see you mate, and good luck. I can relate to having a great wife who understands and it really does help. Armed with the knowledge that PMO is what effects you, I hope you can look forward to having an even better marriage once you reboot fully :)

Sledge:
That's awesome that you're 5 days in already Stressrelief!

Have you tried using a journal / accountability method before? 
Can I ask what the longest time period you've achieved without PMO over these past 27 years has been?
Do you have any children with your wife?
You said your wife is understanding, so is this not a secret for you?  Is she aware of your struggles with pornography addiction?

Sorry for all the questions, but I've never EVER spoken to anyone about this and as I have the benefit of speaking to someone a bit older than me I'd like to hear more of your story.

Stressrelief:

--- Quote from: Sledge on March 10, 2014, 05:12:08 PM ---That's awesome that you're 5 days in already Stressrelief!

Have you tried using a journal / accountability method before? 
Can I ask what the longest time period you've achieved without PMO over these past 27 years has been?
Do you have any children with your wife?
You said your wife is understanding, so is this not a secret for you?  Is she aware of your struggles with pornography addiction?

Sorry for all the questions, but I've never EVER spoken to anyone about this and as I have the benefit of speaking to someone a bit older than me I'd like to hear more of your story.

--- End quote ---

Hi Sledge,
In answer to your questions I have never started a journal or took accountability for MPO. Looking back I believed the message that porn can be a normal part of my life, but unfortunately this has not proved to be the case for me.   

The longest I have ever lasted was that month in October which was difficult, prior to that in the last 20 years or so probably one week. 

Ultimately I spent more and more time on the internet and I didn't care to hide it because MPO was my main priority.  I didn't think I was being obvious but I was and there was a period during my late twenties when I would come home and sit in a separate room with the computer whilst my Wife sat downstairs.  It was before we were married and I know from previous discussions with that back then she was considering calling it quits.

She is aware of my struggle but I'm not quite sure if she knows how deep it has been. MPO has been my go to for stress relief and just boredom. When Yahoo cams first arrived on the scene I was there but my Wife asked that I didn't cam with anyone which was too late by then as I had with a few people.  Once she asked me I stopped and luckily I have not entered into the live chat scene as I believe it's quite addictive. 

We don't have any children but we would like to have some.

I have noted that days are L O N G. . . I need to fill them.

I've also noticed a pressure building around my crotch I guess it's my sex drive returning so I'm trying to get use to that without M.

Day 6

I read you story Sledge, I wish you well.

Stressrelief:
Day 7
I had a sleepless night but I received some disappointing news recently and it's been weighing heavily on my mind.
Today has been tough and my penis is still sore, it has a blue appearance and is still bruised.  I must of had some death grip!

Anyhow I'm hanging in there but I feel rotten and depressed, but I think I'm starting to look at girls more normally.   

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