Journals > Ages 30-39

My porn & sex journey

(1/2) > >>

jazzy-d:
Hello All, first I just want to say that this is a great website, and I'm glad I ran into it on the net. 

My story dates back to when I was 12 years old when I discovered a porn magazine lying on the road nearby my house.  Intrigued by the cover I looked around to see if anyone was watching and when I saw no one looking, I quickly hid it under my shirt.  It was very thrilling and I had an exciting time masturbating to it when I got home.  This is where my porn journey began.  Soon enough I had access to the internet and the day I got it a buddy and me looked for pictures of nude girls.

As time went by I was hooked and was looking for more and more.  The porn watching continued and has been a problem now for nearly 20 years.  The porn watching has decreased as I get older, but it hasn't completely gone away.  I am now 31 years old married but don't have children at the moment. 

Ultimately I blame porn for my desire to watch more porn although luckily I didn't get into extreme porn watching.  I was never really into the sick stuff I guess.  However, porn did escalate into real life situations where I started to search for hookers/prostitutes/escorts.  By the time I was 24 I lost my virginity to an escort in a massage parlour.  To this day I still feel shameful for having lost it with a prostitute and not a real woman like my wife.  Unfortunately, I suppose it was meant to be. 

I kept on watching porn throughout the years and I also met up with escorts from time to time.  I think I've probably spent at least $5,000 if not more in the past 5-6 years alone.  Unfortunately this problem didn't stop after getting married, although decreased somewhat.  I still continued to look for other women/escorts after getting married!  Again something I'm not really happy about.

I've tried from time to time to give up on porn, but have relapsed quite a few times.  I'm at this stage now where I'm really serious about quitting and so far this week has been good.  I'm particularly worried as I'm showing ED symptoms and my erections are not as strong as they used to be.  I also want to have kids in the future and want to have a healthy sex life in the future.  I want to give up porn for good! It is evil and I really wish it weren't so easily available on the internet. 

Jazzy

macondo:
Hey Jazzy-D, I read your post, congrats on making this move. My experience is similar to yours, I started looking at porn when I was 12, didn't get hard core until I was older, which was through the internet. Eventually I started abusing porn pretty badly, MO'ing 4 to 5 times a day.  My orgasms got weaker, my anxiety grew horrible and my libido and performance got terrible. I also had ED and very poor erections. It was horrible, during sex with real women, I would just see videos of porn going through my head. Just killed everything in the moment.

Finally, things came to a head about two weeks ago when I was with an extremely hot and sexy girl and had a total ED failure. Talk about incredible embarrassment. I was going to see a sex counselor, at $150/hr!, and by luck found this site. I've tried to go cold turkey on PM before, just couldn't do it, the urge always came back. The thing that helps me here is reading about other people's experiences, seeing I'm not alone and also seeing other people have had success.

I've been rebooting for about 14 days now, and I'm seeing amazing results. I'm starting to have strong erections again, my libido is coming back and I'm having morning erections. I've had sex twice, and the experiences have started to feel great again. And my anxiety is also disappearing. When I read about other's experiences, I know it's not BS because I'm seeing the same thing.

One tip I'll give you, if you start to feel the urges to watch P or MO, write on this site about your urges and experiences. People may not reply immediately, but it helps to get it out of your system, makes you stronger to fight it.

Good luck, I wish you the best, and you're on the right path.

jazzy-d:
Thanks for reading Macando.  Yes, I agree it isn't an easy journey.  I'm currently at Day 7 now without PMO so that's a good start.

It isn't easy as I still have the urge to view porn right now and it is as strong as ever.  Also helping isn't the fact that I have all these fantasies in my head from all the other women I've been with! 

I'm going to keep at it as I want to set a target for a month , try my best to go through this reboot phase and get my strong erections back! 

7 days in I do feel more fresh, and also less anxious.  I however had a throbbing headache last night -- maybe withdrawal symptoms?

I'm using meditation and it is helping as I believe in the power of meditation as a tool to stop PMO.

jazzy-d:
About 9 days in.  Feeling the urges today and noticing my mind wandering quite a bit.  I do feel better for not PMO'ing but it's feeling tough today.  Also my hand keeps on unconsciously going towards my penis like my penis is some sort of magnet for my hand!

Will carry through this challenge however.

jazzy-d:
Well not a good Day 10.  Unfortunately I caved in to my temptation for watching P, but I didn't MO.  As this is not the first time I've tried quitting, I will not beat myself over this and will learn from it.  I did however notice some interesting things:

- I felt pretty disgusted watching P and was not really into it.
- I quickly realized that I was edging so didn't continue watching (since I'm now aware of what edging is)

Will continue with the rebooting!

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

Go to full version