Journals > Ages 30-39

I can do this!

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alotofhopenow:
First Journal Entry.
Just saw this website on Global TV. It made me feel a lot better. I definitely thought about killing myself many times over the last years.
First started with porn when my brother gave me his old magazines. It was like Christmas! Crazy orgasm and I was hooked. Then the internet came up. At first it was pictures because internet was 56k. Then we got cable and it was a new addiction to videos. Then it was kinkier. Then it was a bunch of different kinks to reach orgasm. Then it was darker as well.

 By the first girlfriend(16 year old) i was already porn addicted for 4 years. She couldn't compete. I couldn't maintain an erection. I already felt like I had no confidence so this worsened it.

Thinking back now I realize I did get an erection with her but because of my upbringing I was embarrassed of it and tried to hide it from her(3rd date). I forced it to go away. Then after that it was hard to get an erection. I also had a horrible diet so I would have disgusting farts and they sickened and embarrassed me so I would force them down but by doing that it was too much pressure and I couldn't get an erection. Always holding the farts down and trying to control them and tightening up inside.

Then I got scared I wouldn't ever be able to get an erection. This fear led to non erections with other girls. I also hated the size of my penis so I put pressure on myself to get hard before the girl saw it so i wouldn't be so humiliated.

I masturbated about an hour ago. Then I saw the program about 20 minutes ago.

I feel if others can beat this problem so can I. I also am happy that it's more common then I thought(Not happy that others suffer just happy that I'm not the only one).

I'm worried about the addiction of porn. I know on some level I can beat it. I think stopping porn will be better this time because now I can know its okay now to be really horny even though I haven't used porn for a while. The last "break" was 20 days but then I thought there was no hope so I might as well go back to it. I haven't tried to stop for a long time(Maybe two years). But now I know its okay not to get really horny even though I stopped using porn for the first few months.

uolihp:
How are you doing after these days ?
I hope you are still winning, don't lose your confidence

alotofhopenow:
Thankyou!

Still clean of porn. I had a few realizations. I would just jump into looking at porn without being consciously aware of it. Something would happen(trigger) and boom! I was on auto pilot. But I haven't been since joining this site and I caught myself a bunch of times.

Just now I had a HUGE URGE! I came to this site to write about it. I'm not going to give in to the urge. I'm in control right now and already feel better and feel the urge dissipating.

I've also been dieting and losing weight and exercising more. Also I was at the store and really connected with one of the tellers instead of looking at her as just a sex object. I feel more "in the now", more present since I stopped with the porn.

I'm going to congratulate myself because I know I denied at least 10 strong urges that normally would have resulted in partaking in the addiction, and they just melted away once I observed them and accepted them.

alotofhopenow:
One thing that has helped me is Eckhart Tolle's book "The Power of Now". He advises you to constantly ask yourself "What's going on inside me right now?" and just observe your thoughts and feelings. No judgement. Just allow yourself to observe and notice what's going on inside of you. The thoughts, sounds, pictures and feelings. And then say yes to it. And by doing that the energy underneath, the "stress" or "urges" dissipate.

Normally we don't want to look at "stress". We deny it. Or Resist it. Try to distract ourselves. By but saying "yes" and becoming present with what's going on inside, it dissolves on its own. We honor our feelinsg instead of stuffing them and by doing so it releases them. And then the urges are released as well and you become peaceful.

I highly recommend it.

macondo:
Hey HopeNow, I COMPLETELY understand what you're saying, I used to get those EXACT same urges, I'd be working on something and then would just wander over to a porn site. It still happens, not the porn site, but my mind will wander over to CNN or ESPN or something. At least it's not porn, which has such a negative effect. Regarding  being in the now, I agree as well, it is a powerful thing and very hard to do. That is why meditation is highly recommended. I try and medicate 6 minutes a day, but I feel like I should bump that up. Everytime I've done it, I've benefited (increased concentration, reduction of anxiety, ability to get things done), so I know it work well.

Good luck with your journey, you're doing great.

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