My Journal, an attempt to abstain

Hi all,

My name is Jelle, I'm 24 years old and I'm from the Netherlands. I've been trying to abstain from porn for quite some time now. But so far to no avail. For the past two years I've been battling with several addictions. Mainly an addiction to weed. Four months ago I finally managed to beat the addiction and haven't taken a puff of marijuana since. Two months ago I also quit smoking, an addiction that has been with me for a year and a half. Besides that I've also been battling depression and for the first time in two years I can finally see light at the end of the tunnel.

So now I finally feel strong enough to also take on the challenge of quitting porn and masturbation forever. I want to quit because about three months ago I came to the shocking conclusion that I couldn't get it up during sex. Till now I've always blamed alcohol, weed or some other drug for not being able to get it up. But this time I was completely sober!!!!! It was by far the worst moment of my life. It made me feel like I was not a man, like I was not worthy of even being part of society. I knew I had to do something.

But I was so stuck in a rut. I was smoking a pack of sigarrets a day, drinking beer every day and hated my job. My friends weren't there for me and I just felt completely alone. So porn was the only thing that gave me a little bit of pleasure. But that pleasure was also fading. Every time is would PMO (not really familiar with the terminology but I think you mean masturbation with this) I would just get the most empty feeling out of it. It wasn't pleasurable, there was no rush, I just needed to do it for some reason.

That was the moment I realized that the problem became a full blown addiction. I felt the same emptiness that I felt just before I quit weed. The only satisfaction I got out of it was just the satisfaction of scratching the addiction itch. The pleasureable feelings all faded away a long time ago. So I knew something had to happen right now. But at this point I was also still addicted to sigarrets, depressed and hated my job so I thought that the best way to go about this was to just take it one step at a time.

So first I quit my job and found a new one. Right after getting my new job I quit smoking. Because of the pride that I felt of quitting smoking and the satisfaction that I got out of my new job I felt the depression slowly losing it's grip on me. But during this period I was still beating (or rather abusing) my meat. I thought if I'm doing so good for my body then I can do at least something that I know is counterproductive.

So now we've finally arrived at the current day, for a week now I've abstained from porn. I've not had any urges or cravings so far. And I finally feel strong enough to share my story with the world. I've found through the experiences of being addicted and depressed that it is not something that you have to be ashamed of. It is one of the most natural things that if you lack in some vital needs that you have as a human animal that you seek something to replace it. In my case these things were drugs and endless internet porn.

Now I'm on a journey to try and get my highs only from real sources and not from external stimuli or fabricated realities. I'm more interested now then ever before in how my brain works and how I can prevent addiction from ever getting a hold over me. I want to be able to delete as many artificial dopamine stimulators from my life as possible. So I can finally appreciate and experience life in the best way possible. So this is going to be my journey for the comming months and I hope I can count on this great community to help me. I sure as hell will be trying to help as best as I can to assist you in your journeys.

Sorry for the long story, once I started typing I couldn't really stop (also sorry for grammar mistakes or misspelled words, english is not my native language)

The start of my second week of reboot. I felt some urges and cravings troughout the day but nothing that a little distraction seeking couldn't overcome. I would say that my mood today at work was about an 8 (out of 10). My mood at home right now I would rate a 6. I have the feeling I might enter flatline in the comming days and feel my sexual desire fade away for the coming period.

My attitude towards flatline is what I would call excited. I've already accepted that before my PIED problem is fixed there's no way that I can have sex with anyone. So going into flatline will only make it easier for me to focus on not going back to porn. Hopefully I won't fall in to a really dark place because of flatline and I can see the positive I'm getting out of this experience.

For the people that might be interested in me quitting smoking and using marijuana, here is a short update on how that is going. Because of quitting smoking I still have a lot of mucus production in my throat because my lungs are cleaning themselves. As for the marijuana, I've been sleeping better of the past few weeks and don't have the wild dreams as much as in the beginning. I feel like my REM sleep is all caught up at this point and I'm back to normal

Day 9

Today was a long day. I was really tired and couldn't really focus at work. But after I got home from work I could get the motivation to make myself dinner. Although a really simple dinner, but it was really healthy. While waiting for the dish to finish I cleaned my house, something I never did before I started this journey. I didn't need to stare at the crap in my room for hours just to find some motivation to do it. I JUST DID IT!!!

After my healthy dinner I went to the gym, and instead of weightlifting I went on the threadmill. This was only the second time after quitting smoking. I ran for 5 km in half an hour and got a really good feeling from it. I also did some socializing with some housmates and helped another one move. All in all it was a really busy day, but for me that is amazing. I haven't had a busy day in a long time and I really enjoyed it.

I didn't really feel any cravings today and even when I saw one of the links that I always used for porn pop up in my recommended window and it didn't even trigger me. So I think I'm really entering flatline right now. I don't feel strong sexual desires and don't have any libido at this moment.

Hi j7ll7,
Wow, 9 days, thats great!
I bet youre starting to feel the beneifts already yeah?
Keep a lookout for your triggers and eliminate the desire for PMO as soon as it arises, then take a note of the time and location / situation that triggered you.
Also embrace the flatline! Its a good feeling at this stage early in the reboot. Its so refreshing not to feel any arousal or desire to wank to porn. Just enjoy the floppy cock and dont try to force yourself out of the flatline!
Keep us updated and keep writing!

PS, I love the Netherlands! Such an interesting country

Thx for the tip Reformed Fapper,

It is a really smart idea to document the moments that I feel cravings and what may have caused them. This way I know what I can avoid in the future to get rid of them. But I also feel really strengthened by the fact that I quit my other two addictions right before this. I know the feeling of cravings and how to not give in to them. So this way, whenever I do feel one come up, I can use my willpower to be able to abstain.

The reason I think that this time I'm gonna make it without any trouble is because my final memory of fapping is one of shame and empty feelings. If I just remember that if I go back that is the path I'm always going to take, it's easier not to do it. The same goes for smoking, of course some sigarrets are nice, but if you give yourself permission to smoke that one, it just leads down a rabit hole and you can start smoking all over again. All the hard work you put into quitting is gone and you end up hating yourself even more.

PS I really like your commitment to the forum. I see you have a keen interrest in people's stories and a genuine desire to help! Keep up the good work and keep making this forum great. Kudos to you my friend!

Day 11 (6-9-2018)

Today at work it was hard. I'm noticing that I'm getting moody. I work as a phone sales person for inbound calls. I have less patience with people on the phone and get mad quicker. At the same time I'm feeling more motivation, I get more stuff done and my room is actually clean at this point. I notice that I'm still in the flatline and that my sexual desires are actually zero. So it is still going in a good direction. I just have to be patient and ride it out. But I still keep my eye on the price. And my price is a life that I can live normally and with purpouse.

That irritability is most likely a symptom of withdrawal. But on the other hand it means you are winning. Your brain is doing flip-flops, raging at you like a strung out meth head craving their next hit.
I say let it suffer. It'll eventually starve itself out and leave you alone. Until it passes (which it surely will), just ride it out and remind yourself constantly why you are doing this.

Day 12 (7-9-2018)

Today was a pretty hard day, I was really tired because I didn't sleep well. I noticed that the last few days my sleep got worse. This is probably a side effect from withdrawal. I'm noticing that this withdrawal is more physical than quitting smoking or quitting marijuana. I think this one is gonna be the hardest to quit until now. But I'm still confident about my progress and I see the fact that I hate it right now as something positive. The best changes you can make for your life are not the easy ones. So that fact that this is hard means it is gonna have some meaningful effects.

The nightmares are getting worse for me. Last night I had a nightmare that I was fired from my job and that everyone in my life hated me. I think that for the first time the most primal fears in me are being brought forward. I think it is because my thoughts are clearer it is bringing that part forward in me. In the last few years I never felt fear, because I didn't care about anything. So maybe because I start caring again, I start fearing again.

So all in all I think I'm on the right track and I just have to keep pushing and eventually I break trough it.

PS sorry if my stories are getting incoherent, but I'm really tired and I have to force myself to do this

Day 13 (8-9-2018)

Today I had a pretty rough day, my sleep is getting worse by the day. Today I actually felt like I was hungover, while I haven't drank any alcohol for two weeks now. If more people have troubles with sleep please let me know. At this moment I'm using 5-HTP to aid my sleep and help with the withdrawal symptoms. Still in a big flatline and not feeling any libido at this moment.

But I do feel my willpower coming back. Today I got up early (while I could sleep in) and did my laundry and went to the barber. Then I went to my parents and after that I celebrated my grandparents 60 year wedding anniversary. It was a busy day but with my willpower I could handle it. It was the bad sleep that was the killer for me.

So that's it for this short update, I'll keep you guys posted and hopefully this story can be a help for you.
If you wanna ad anything to this story please do. Please share your experiences as well, it would really help me trough this rough time.

Day 14 (9-9-2018)

The withdrawal symptoms start to become really tough. My sleep is terrible, I have a lot of muscle pain, I have tension headaches and I'm feeling anxiety. But still my hopes are high. Just the fact that my body responds this violently to me quitting porn, says that the payoff is probably gonna be amazing. My mission right now is to put as much distance between me and porn. So I'm not counting down the days, I'm counting them up.

But I do feel really anxious about my job. I work as a salesperson and I always have to be nice to people and really social. Right now I feel that I'm becoming more antisocial by the day because of the anxiety. So I just hope that the symptoms don't get much worse, because it could really cost me my job and I don't really want that.

Day 16 (10-9-2018)

I was really scared of today. I thought because of the withdrawal symptoms that I would have a really hard day at work. But quite the opposite proved to be true. Because of the mental clarity that abstaining has given me I could focus much better on my work. So my workday was really pleasant and I had a good workday overall.

But my sleep was really bad last night. I had a really hard time sleeping in and I think I woke up somewhere in the middle of the night and I couldn't get back to sleep. But the nice thing about my sleep is that I'm starting to dream about women again. And the dreams are really nice, they are not sex dreams but dreams about being intimate with women. Taking my time and just being there. It's still not like a full on dream, but there are flashes like that in every one of my dreams right now.

So for today it was really nice that I didn't really feel the withdrawal so bad and to feel the mental clarity that abstaining has given me.

Sounds like you are making some good progress if you have noticed the withdrawal symptoms weakening. All thats left now is to keep it up and youll gradually start feeling a lot better

Well, I don't really know it is weakening yet. Maybe I just had a good day and other day will maybe be worse. But the positive thing I'm feeling is not about the withdrawal symptoms. It is about the dopamine reset, I can feel emotions coming back (positive and negative), where at first my emotions where completely flat. I feel a surge of motivation going trough me, and for the first time in three years I can look positively to the future. I know it is a long road ahead, but I think for myself in a very easy manner.

The manner in which I think is just. I don't really need to do or be anything for the coming 90 days at least. The only thing I don't need to do is to watch porn. If I can only manage that those 90 days (or more) will have been a succes. And all the while I'm doing that my willpower will come back. So I see great things in my future. The only thing I'm a bit afraid about is how I will manage my emotions. Because I'm feeling they're coming back strong.

Keep it up! Sounds like your on the right path for sure. That's very cool you quit smoking and marijuana as well. That is some great momentum and it sounds like something really clicked for you to change your life. My sleep has been bad last few days also, I took a nap yesterday and that was helpful.

Yeah taking naps is a good idea, but not really an option for me. Because I work full-time and I don't like naps after 18:00. Because they really fuck your sleep up.

You're right about the smoking and marijuana, because I wanted to quit everything I was addicted to. And after weed and smoking this was the last one. But little did I know this one had the most impact on my life.

Day 16 (11-9-2018)

Today was a rough day. It started out pretty well, I got out of bed early and got a lot of housework and reading done before going to work. Just a reminder before I started this journey I never had the motivation to do this. Right now it feels like second nature to me. But once at work it was really tough, there wasn't much to do and i had a really late shift. There weren't any calls and I was bored to tears. I also was seated next to a collegue I can't stand and who is just an allround aweful person.

It really tested my patience, but in the end I managed to survive by just keeping myself occupied watch random YouTube videos. But I'm realizing that this is not how I want to spend my time. Even though I'm getting payed I want my work to be something meaningful, not just staring at a screen because someone MIGHT call in around 10:00 PM..... So I think I will skip the late shifts and just stay on the early ones, just so I can feel usefull.

My withdrawal symptoms today were irritability, tension headaches, clouded thinking and lack of sleep. But they are still manageble. I'm still in a flatline and don't really feel much sexual desire at all. Even though I do feel my morning wood coming back. But I just try to ignore it, because I'm trying to still avoid all kinds of temptations. I don't even allow myself the slightest bit of fantasy. Just because I want to get to the 30 day mark and beyond. Only once my fantasy is about something that is obtainable in the real world and has to do with real sex I will allow myself to fantisize again.

Day 16 is a damn fucking good damn result!
Yes, as you said doing meaningful work is a good confidence and morale booster - two things you need in your battle against PMO.
As awsome as youtube videos are (saw one with a skydiving pig in it the other day!) maybe use the time to get things out of your head in relation to your addiction. For example, make a list - handwritten - about all the ways in hich PMO has fucked you life up until now. Just get everything down and out of your head. Then make a list of all the things that are getting better and will get better because of quitting. If you have free time at work anyway you might find this therapeutic (although Bert and Ernie voice dub parody videos are fucking hilarious and laugter is the best medicine), youll also get a nice hit of feeling useful within and about yourself.
Keep it up!

Day 17 (12-9-2018)

Today was a really tough day at work. Because I also want to kick my caffeine habbit. Because I noticed that since I stopped PMO that I was drinking coffee like crazy. It was like I was still seeking something to replace the buzz and that was caffeine. So it was time to get rid of coffee as well before I got way too into that and had to kick that addiction as well. I have a really addictive personality and I have to catch myself before I slip up.

So today I was tired all day, like dead tired. I couldn't focus on anything and time moved so slowly. Eventually I did get of work and then I still had to make myself dinner. And that is the magic part right there, because of my abstinance I have so much willpower. I said to myself "you just have to go to the supermarket and get healthy food for yourself, then you have to cook it, clean it, clean your house and go to the gym". And that is exactly what happened (well with the occasional whining and moaning of course).

I'm also on my second day of meditation, I have meditated before but had a long dry spell up till now. The meditation went really well and even though I hadn't done it in a while, it still went really well. My thought paterns felt clearer and I had a better understanding what my thoughts were and how to let them go. So I feel that even though the side effects are still tough, I'm also getting a lot of positive effects as well.

Hey Reformed fapper thanks for your comment.

I know making a list of what porn has done to fuck up my life is a good way to stay focussed. But I have another way to keep my focus on abstaining. I use the same tactic that I used for weed and sigarrets. I just remember the last time I used it, that empty feeling, the regret the self loathing. I remember that any form of doing those things will lead down this path. And the short term gains are just not worth it. The same was with sigarrets for me, I've had so many times that I was looking at someone that smokes and just thinking, one is not so bad, he's enjoying one and he's not dead yet. But then I remind myself of the road it can, and eventually will, lead down to. That keeps me from not giving in to the craving. However strong it may be.

Day 18 (13-09-2018)

Today was a fun day at the office, I was placed next to a new collegue and it really clicked. Also had the feeling got a lot of work done today. But even though I get a lot of work done I still feel like shit. I still sleep bad and have quite bad tension headaches some parts of the day. Also I feel a bit socially awkward and have a lot of brain fog. But still I can feel my willpower slowly creeping back. It is a nice feeling that right now I'm battling with my final addictions.

I have the feeling I can manage this. Because with my previous experiences I learned to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. And also I learned that you can feel that way for a long time. But eventually it will get better. I just have to accept for one more time that it is gonna be a whole lot worse before it gets better. And the only way to get through it is just to grind your teeth and put a smile on and just keep on going. I'm in this not for 30, 60, 90 or even a 100 days. I'm in it until I get better. Just pushing and pushing until I get what I want. Eventually it is gonna be better, but I just gotta push past the pain.