Recovery Journal

Hello everyone,

I started a a recovery journal on this forum titled "I WILL DO THIS" a few months ago where I logged my recovery progress for a month and half, which I will link below for those that are interested. To save you from the long read, I wasn't actually able to do this, at least not yet. After my last post on the "I WILL DO THIS" journal, I felt this urge in my body to improve everything about myself; I wanted to stop using technology, I wanted to focus on guitar, and I wanted to stop being so weak and pathetic, both physically and mentally. I relapsed a few days after that last post, feeling lost and disillusioned, and my progress has been shattered since. Not only have I lost motivation to workout and stay focused in school, but I've lost motivation to overcome the most serious issue that I have ever faced in my life: porn addiction and PIED.

For those who don't already know, I am 17 and have been suffering with PIED for a confirmed 5 months now but I have a feeling I've been suffering from it longer. My erections are not only just to P, but they are weaker as well which is extremely alarming. I will attend college in around 6 months time. I have 6 months to get my life on track and I beseech for your guys' support and help during the journey.

http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=19280.msg201890#msg201890 (previous journal)

January 18, 2021

For the next six months, I need to stay focused and diligent and overcome this porn addiction. This is the homestretch and everything is in place for me to succeed. I have set up blocks on my computers and on my phone to limit all erotic material. P is obviously blocked, youtube is blocked, and reddit is blocked, with my brother controlling my screen time passcodes. While this seems fool proof, I still managed to relapse with this system in place. I will not explain what I did to get around these measures so that others do not have access to these methods, but my efforts were extensive which revealed to me that I was an actual porn addict. But the point is, it's difficult for me to relapse, which will make it easier for my will power to remain strong and persevere.

During the next few months, I am going to be performing a dopamine detox. For those who do not know what that is, it's a change in lifestyle that involves limiting ones exposure to highly "rewarding" activities such as video gaming, binging Netflix, and as you all probably know, watching porn. I have attempted to do dopamine detoxes in the past and they are extremely challenging, but if I can get through the first month successfully, my brain will already start rewiring and I'll be closer to success.

So, instead of spending my time watching youtube, playing League of Legends for hours on end, and beating my meat, I will spend the time working out, playing guitar, and getting and working a job. I have started looking for work just to earn some money before college but it I believe it will help me kill two birds with one stone, acting as a distractor and time consuming activity while also helping me earn some money. I have already found one job opening in my area which I am going to apply to by the end of today.

I am experiencing a serious illness which will take handwork and discipline to overcome. I need to try my best everyday to stay focused on the task at hand. If it means sacrificing time spent playing video games with my friends, or hours watching Breaking Bad, so be it. Overcoming this porn addiction starts right now, and I will do it.

http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=19464.0

Amazing resource for people who are trying to recover. Thanks Phineas!

January 19, 2021

Hey everyone. Today just started but I feel great. I applied to the job I wanted to apply to yesterday and also was successful from abstaining from porn, video games, TV, and other highly simulating activities. Yesterday, I spent a lot of time on the forum reading success stories and discussions about PIED which both motivated me and scared me. I know I'm not alone and I now have others' methods I can implement, but hearing people struggle for 5+ years with this issue makes me wonder if I'm going to be stuck in this trap forever. Porn is horrible and my conscious brain and prefrontal cortex knows that, but my lower brain still seems to control me and I have to work on that.

I read a thread by Gabe which was a Q & A about his reboot. The guy didn't even relapse once! He attributed it to his deep resentment towards porn and its harmful effects and after reading those posts, I realized that I don't have that deep resentment although I should. Porn has made my dick absolutely lifeless and prevented me from having a relationship with a beautiful girl. I need to keep reminding myself of this to keep up my motivation.

Gabe also inspired me and shared ways on how to live your life. With the pandemic, it's nearly impossible for me to interact with my friends, which as Gabe said, was a pivotal method to his recovery. Since I can't go outside to interact with my friends, I am going to spend the day working and doing what I need to do and use the night to talk to my family and interact with them. I am pretty close with my family but I think talking to them more will be beneficial. Also, if I get the job I applied for, I would be able to make some work friends which will help me as well.

One point I'm still concerned about is the rewiring stage for my porn recovery. I understand that most men should go at least 3 months of hard-mode with zero sexual interaction and MO which I think I am able to do. However, the rewiring portion of my recovery is still something that worries me. I don't have a girlfriend and I have a bad reputation at school because of my ex and I'm just worried that I won't be able to sexually rewire my brain with someone whose company I truly enjoy. Again, this is a long ways away, but I am determined to reach this stage of the reboot.

Phineas' post which I linked above was eye-opening and revolutionary to me. I always thought the best way to fight urges was head on, a battle of my consciousness and my urges, but I realize that that is impossible. Urges are meant to be overpowering and undefeatable, but only if you entertain them. Next time I face an urge, I am not going to think about it, I am just going to resume with my day as if nothing as happened, and when Im done doing a certain activity, hopefully the urge will go away.

Today I am still going to be doing a full dopamine detox meaning no Youtube, no TV, and obviously no Porn. I also need to focus on eating and drinking healthy foods. I want to gain 10 pounds by the end of 3 months, so by March 19. My chest is dead from yesterday's workout but today is back/biceps day and I'm stoked.

Porn is not an option. Masturbation is not an option. I am on a journey to become the happiest I have ever been!

End of the day entry:

Today was my second day of a full dopamine detox: no youtube, no TV, and obviously no porn. I felt both great and bored throughout the day. I've realized that from when I wake up to the end of my online school, I feel perfectly fine. Then I workout and feel amazing getting through a hard workout. And then I feel as if I have nothing to do. As much as I enjoy playing guitar, I feel like I've lost my passion for it. I don't know what's going on.

I think that I need to try to get through an entire week like this. Dopamine detoxing helps restore the dopamine receptors that are overly simulated by our daily "highly stimulating" activities in the modern world and getting through an entire week is extremely beneficial. If I can do this, I will not only derive pleasure and dopamine from other activities to a greater extent, but I will also be helping myself with my P addiction recovery. It may feel challenging right now, but I need to get through it because I will reap tremendous results. 

I have to remember that video games are not an option, porn is not an option, masturbation is not an option, and binging TV and WASTING my life is not an option. You only have one life, take advantage of it and become the best possible person you can be. Quarantine has given me the time to research and figure out my necessary path. I need to utilize this time effectively and stop being a disappointment to myself.

Hey anubu, that's a really great and ambitious plan! I've started to do a similar thing in removing a lot of unnecessary technology use from my life, fasting, and not eating sugary stuff. Resetting the brain's dopamine's levels helps you to appreciate the little things in life much more and to be free from attachments to unnecessary time-wasters. We're here to support you!

January 20, 2021

Hey worldlit! Yeah this is definitely an ambitious plan but I think its extremely beneficial. Im not sure if training my dopamine reward system to receive pleasure from things such as reading and working out will also help it receive pleasure from non-artificial stimulation, but I have to try it and see if it helps.

Yesterday was kind of a cheat day when it came to my dopamine detox. Only 2 days in and I already want to stop it ;/. Just shows how addicted I was to TV and video games I guess. Yesterday, I didn't't use technology at all until around 8 P.M when I watched one T.V episode and also some videos by Gary Wilson and Gabe Deem. I should have tried to stop myself from watching the TV Episode, but when I did, I immediately felt better. I guess this dopamine detox is giving me a feeling of what its like to experience withdrawal symptoms. Next time I feel like watching some TV or playing some video games, I'll tell myself that this is all in preparation for porn withdrawals, and I am one step closer from detatching my decision making from my urges. I will continue to watch Gary Wilson and Gabe Deem on youtube however as I feel that educating myself through youtube videos should be exempt from my detox.

I am already starting to feel lonely which I can attribute to the state of the pandemic in the United States. Today is the inauguration of Joe Biden, and I don't want to be political, but I feel as if this will help slow down the spread of coronavirus in the states and help everything get back to normal. For the time being, I need to push extremely hard to make sure I don't succumb to P and its urges and when things do start to open up again and I can hang out with my friends more regularly, this journey will automatically get easier.

As for my dick, nothing major to report for today. As expected, its pretty much lifeless and if I have to readjust it in my pants for whatever reason, there's no stimulation. When it comes to avoiding artificial stimulation I've been really good. One thing I noticed was that my friends post a lot of sexual images in our Discord platform so Im going to stop looking in the chat channels. None of them know about my problem so I don't blame them for being horny teenagers, wish I could be the same, but obviously without the images.

I read William's post yesterday about his perspective on the reboot and the guidelines one needs to enforce to be prepared. Here is my decisional balance sheet that I came up with as well as some notes I wrote about P addiction that I will read to myself daily.

Notes:
- Most boys seek P at the age of 10
- Novelty is the key to arousal
  - Coolidge effect
  - Addiction causes problems , not other way around
- Dopamine --> Delta Fos B --> Alters Brain --> Creates Addiction/Pathways
  - Numbed pleasure response
  - Hyper - Reactivity to P
  - Will power erosion
- P IS KILLING SEXUAL HEALTH!

Decisional Balance Sheet
Before I Watch P:
- I feel possessed
- I feel obligated to masturbate
- I feel dull and indifferent to what Im doing

After I watch P:
- I feel horrible
- I feel lethargic
- I feel shame and guilt

Relationship:
- Broken because of P. P caused me to develop PIED. The failed sexual encounter was awkward and distanced me and my partner while also causing a loss of confidence in me.

Family:
- If my family found out about my addiction, they would feel a variety of feelings. I feel as if they would be disappointed and angry at first; they worked their butt off to get me and my brother a stable household and everything we could possibly ask for, why did I have to go and screw it up? They would also feel frantic, guilty and sad: they would blame themselves for this when in reality they were extremely loving and it was my ignorance about porn and its effects that caused this.

Socially:
- P has caused me anxiety and "weirdness" --> I never felt confident about myself
- Depression exacerbated by P

School
- Lack of motivation --> I once skipped my coding class to go the bathroom to masturbate
- What the hell is wrong with you man? Can't you see how weird that is.

Sexually
- P has caused me PIED, I don't feel an arousal towards ANY real life women, had gay thoughts because I don't feel aroused by women although I was solely attracted to women at the age of 12.

That all felt really good to right down but also makes me feel angry and sad. This is a major issue. My first goal in life right now is to recover from this addiction. When I face withdrawal symptoms, I will be HAPPY and EXCITED because I WILL NOT follow them. When urges hit, I will carry on with what Im doing and not entertain them. P IS SIMPLY NOT AN OPTION. You cannot access it. Stop thinking about it as well.

End of the day entry:

Today was boring, but I felt that it was less boring than Yesterday. I felt more of a motivation to play guitar and to read my book, but I felt less of a motivation to workout. I upheld my dopamine detox for the most part today. I watched the inauguration today on TV which made me feel entertained so I guess I got a hit of dopamine from that. I abstained from watching recreational TV, youtube, and obviously the satanic spawn that is porn. Porn is out of my life forever. I feel so healthy right now and I'm only a few days into my reboot. My dick is still lifeless but I feel so alive. My diet is impeccable, my workouts have been consistent, and I am no longer wasting my life playing video games. The common denominator: not watching porn.

Porn is simply never an option. It should be illegal. Porn is worse than cocaine or meth, why would anyone ever continue using it!?

I had some very brief flashbacks today that lasted for the most 2 seconds. They were random and I don't really want to reminisce on them as to not reinforce those imagery pathways, but they were essentially sex related but I don't know if they were p related if that makes any sense. Still though, I don't want to take the risk that I was actually thinking about real life sex, so I'm cutting it out. As I'm writing this, I actually had one of those flashbacks and I am actually pretty sure it was p related so Im not even going to bother talking about this topic anymore.

I have had a headache/head pain for the past three days. I think they are withdrawn symptoms from my abstinence from video game usage and my dopamine detox. I haven't succumbed yet which is extremely exciting; although I watched that one episode of TV yesterday, I realize that that was not OK and I am determined to not let that happen again. My brain is already changing and its wicked cool how I'm literally becoming a different person. I want to keep this up and see the "new" me when the time comes.

I really hope I get the job I applied for. It would help me stay distracted from p and also help make some friendships and connections during this lonely time. That's it for today. I am going to take this reboot one day at a time and stop focusing on end picture goals. Day to day that's the goal. Finish 24 hours. Be excited. Then finish another 24 hours. I have got this.

January 21, 2021

Today I woke up 30 minutes before I set my alarm for because I had to take a piss. When I went to the bathroom, half awake half groggy, I realized that my dick was slightly bigger than it usually was when its flacid but it was by no means erect. Is this common? When men need to urinate do their penises grow? I honestly can't remember if this happened to me before I developed PIED so im not sure.

Another day another attempt at a complete dopamine detox. No TV, no Youtube, and NEVER AGIAN ANY PORN. I just reminded myself of all of the harmful effects porn has had on my life: I feel horrid after, its broken my relationship, my family would be so sad and disappointed, the social anxiety, the lack of motivation in school, and obviously the PIED. If this filthy thing stays in my life, I won't be able to find a woman to love, get married, and have children. I need to let this sick in.

I think a big reason as to why I relapsed during my first journey was because I not only failed to detach myself from urges, but I also let my guard down and my focus in life went astray. It was no longer recovering from PIED and porn addiction, it was playing with my friends on the computer everyday and forgetting about my addiction. As much as I want to, I can't just push the addiction under the rug and expect it to go away. I have to make a consciences effort daily to combat this, not head on per se, but still to fight it.

I started watching a talk that Gary Wilson gave to some college students, or at least I think they were college students. The video is around 2 hours long and I got through around half of it yesterday. What really frustrates me is how little scientists want to accept that porn addiction is a thing. Although the studies clearly and blatantly exist and the addicts and addiction is showing its scary signs, people don't want to accept that porn can do anything harmful to us. Is society just backing porn because they think masturbation is healthy? So many of us are suffering by its hands and once I recover I am going to be adamant of my stance against it. I need to recover so that I can help others do it as well.

I did a leg workout yesterday. Maybe it was because it was legs or maybe it was because I did the workout during one of my least entertaining classes, but I did not feel that motivated throughout the workout. Lets change that for todays workout. I am going to workout once school is over and I'm going to give it 1000% effort. I can already feel my body changing both mentally and physically. Next monday, I am going to weigh my self to see how much weight I gained and make this a weekly habit.

Another thought that's been running through my head: can continuously relapsing make your brain more engrained in this cycle of addiction. The answer as many on this forum have been advocating and as I've been speculating is yes. If you're reading this, don't let this scare you, but motivate you. If you can break this cycle of relapse (going 30 days relapsing going 30 days relapsing), you will see drastic improvement through withdrawal symptoms. Again, withdrawal symptoms are exciting to me right now (im not sure if they will be in the moment), but I want to experience them so that I can actually see some progress from the reboot. Then again, porn is simply not an option so I'm bound to see improvements anyways. But I'm definitely excited to feel some urges coming on and to stop them dead in their tracks.

Porn is not an option, its truly ruined your life. Rid of it before the habit of relapsing is too engrained in your brain and before your prefrontal cortex weakens too much. Right now, p unfortunately controls my life. I want to be in the driving seat and not random pixels. Sorry not want, I need to be in the driving seat.

I have a really bad headache right now. A withdrawal symptom from either my video game addiction or my porn addiction. Whichever one it, I'm determined to get through it. Let's do this.

End of the day journal:

Today was a weird day for sure. For starters, I worked out my chest today and I was still a little bit sore from Monday so it was hard to really push myself to the limit. I took a walk after which felt really nice and relaxing; I am going to do this everyday from now on. Porn is incompatible with my future lifestyle. I just had a talk with my parents cause I decided to apply for another job since the last place I applied to didn't respond and my dad jokingly said to not be stuck working in fast food for the rest of my life. I told him that I didn't plan to and then he said, "remember all that matters is your health, your family and your happiness. I don't care what you do in the future, as long as you are happy and comfortable, and as long as I have a few little grandchildren rolling around when I'm older" When he said that last part, I felt super bad and guilty. I'm sorry Dad but I won't be able to do that until I get rid of my PIED. I need to get rid of my PIED.

In terms of my dopamine detox, today was weird also. I didn't watch youtube, tv, or watch porn, or play video games so it was good, but. I did listen to music for a while. I listened to music while cleaning the dishes which just looked too boring to do alone. Well, after washing the dishes for like 10 minutes, I stopped and felt like I was getting rid of my progress. I stopped listening to music and finished washing the dishes but by that time I had the dopamine kick from the music and I was able to finish the dishes fine. I felt pretty bad about breaking my dopamine detox although not listening to music was never really one of the guidelines I established. More thoughts on this tomorrow.

For the past few hours, I decided to try and find some hobbies to partake in. A few ones that struck out to me were cooking, learning a language, and learning to code. Of those three, I started learning how to code yesterday because there's a free site called freecodecamp which is just great and is highly recommended. Of the other two: I'm thinking about learning how to cook but since I mainly focus on healthy food, maybe I should just try and find recipes for only healthy foods so this new hobby doesn't break my diet. As for learning a language, I'm still deliberating on this one.

I started my application for a local Subway today and I'm pretty excited. I guess that sounds weird to the people on here who are adults and actually work. But I guess being a teenager still and having the opportunity to earn some money while also having a distractor for porn is super exciting to me. I am going to apply tomorrow as soon as my potential reference gives me the green light and I hope I get the job before I hit a major flatline and urges come.

Speaking of urges and flatline, I had a slight urge today. As I mentioned earlier, my friends have a discord through which I used to communicate and game with them. In one of the chat channels, one of my friends posted a picture of a very attractive girl. I never got a clean look at it but as soon as I caught a very slight glimpse through scrolling through the channel, I scrolled as far as I could and stopped thinking about it. Today I deleted discord which I now identify as a potential trigger, which is a huge step in my recovery. I never imagined I would delete discord but seeing how it can be a potential trigger, I'm glad to say that its gone.

That's it for today. Thanks to everyone who reads this journal. I know the entires are long but it means a lot to know that a few of you are supporting me. See you all tomorrow.

It's nice you're objective about your triggers.
I deleted Quora recently when it acted as a trigger. So I get what you're saying. I'm sure you'd get over it. But find other things that you can replace that time with.

January 22, 2021

Hey Chris and thanks for the advice. I think recognizing and eliminating as many triggers as I can while I'm still early on in my reboot (less urges and less temptations to watch P) is extremely beneficial. I'll keep at it and see if I can find any other ways for me to get triggered.

As I mentioned yesterday, I want to lay out a strict guideline for my dopamine detox. Originally, I had this notion of going through 8 months without any youtube, any tv, and obviously never porn (porn I plan to eliminate for the rest of my life). Based off of my experiences this week, I want to lay out a strict guideline that I MUST follow which will ensure I make the most out of my dopamine detox.

Until next monday, I intend to keep up the "hard mode" dopamine detoxing, which includes inhibiting all of the aforementioned activities while also cutting unhealthy junk foods, music, and multitasking. I had a few slip ups this week but now that I have laid out this strict guideline I am determined to do this.

The month following, so until February 25th, I intend to maintain this "hard mode" while incorporating music and instructional youtube videos. I will only incorporate these two tasks for the last 3 hours of my day (6 - 9PM). This way, I am still bringing down my baseline for stimulus but I have a few activities that release dopamine, but which are still healthy, into my daily life. This is partially to help combat the inevitable withdrawals from my porn addiction

I will reassess my dopamine activities on February 25th. For the time being, this is my plan and I intend and NEED to stick with it.

I am applying to the job I found today; hopefully I get it. It pays minimum wage and I would work long hours but I am for sure not complaining. I would be so grateful to get the job. I could start early on my ROTH and be distracted from porn. Win fucking win. Fingers crossed boys I'll keep you posted.

After posting this entry I am going to apply to the job and also re read my earlier entries. I need to constantly remind myself of p's detrimental effects and how it has no place in my life. Its simply not an option. When withdrawals come, just deal with them for there is no other option.

Gonna go to my classes, workout, volunteer, come home and clean the house, finish my homework, and then read/play guitar/code. Taking this one day at a time.

Good luck with the journey anubu0. We're all rooting for you.

End of the day entry:

Thank you Ak.

Today was an unusual day. I followed my dopamine detox guidelines except that I ate some fast-food for dinner and watched the 76ers / Celtics game while eating the food. My family was eating together so I sacrificed my dopamine detox to talk with them and eat with them. I'm fine with this but I shouldn't make it a habit. I think Gabe also did a slight dopamine detox on his journey: he stopped watching TV and stopped playing video games but I don't know the exact extent to which he stopped them.

Urges today were minimal. Even when I'm writing this an occasional flashback pops into my brain which I just try to quickly disregard and dismiss. Its already getting harder, but this journey isn't meant to be easy. I can't expect urges to just go away magically; I have to train my brain to do this and then I will be free. I can do this, one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time.

I didn't code/read/play guitar today because I spent 4 hours volunteering at my school. I'm going to go watch some Gary Wilson and then go to sleep. I also joined a group chat today with some of my fellow rebooters and I hope to become close and us to hold each other accountable during our journeys. Best of luck to all of you and see you tomorrow.

Hey guys!

Major update! I just watched Gary Wilson's video on Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction. He talks about other dopamine stimulating activities and their effect on recovery. Perfect, huh! Well TLDR: other activities that act as dopamine stimulation such as eating high sugar foods, video gaming, etc, DO NOT have a PROVEN correlation to PIED/reward circuit recovery. With that said, are these activities good for you? NO! I am going to stick with this dopamine detox; the goal of my reboot is to increase my happiness in life and playing video games for hours on end and suffering from obesity does not sound too good. Stay strong fellas!

Hey anubu,

That's great stuff! Slowly weaning off dopamine-triggers is difficult but I think it's huge. P and sex in general is a huge dose of dopamine. It's interesting how the brain works with all its chemicals.

Anubu, you are wise far beyond your years. Keep it up

January 23, 2021

Thank you wordlit and Ak for the kind words!

Its a beautiful day outside. Its wet from the rain, chilly, and the air just seems so fresh. I slept late last night because I was finishing my book and also watching a lot of p addiction videos. This is fine because I still managed to sleep for 10 ish hours and I feel really well rested. I ate pretty unhealthy yesterday  and I'm about to eat a little bit unhealthy today (we ordered some pizza). After quite a bit of analysis, I think its safe to say that I don't have a food addiction but I should also try to limit unhealthy foods. I am 135 pounds and around 5'10, which is slightly underweight: eating a few unhealthy meals won't completely screw me over. I'm even trying to gain a little weight through weight training  and calisthenics so maybe occasionally dirty bulking is going to be helpful?? I should go shopping sometime tomorrow though and also research some easy, healthy recipes that I can cook to meal prep for this week.

Today I'm going to clean up my room and the rest of the house. I don't like it when things are messy and it will help me stay distracted from P. So far urges and temptations have been extremely low. Yesterday, I barely had any sexual thoughts but I know that they're bound to come back eventually. Can't let my guard down. I'm going to spend the rest of today playing guitar and also learning more about P addiction through YBOP. I'm serious about this and I want to know everything there is to know about the topic. I'll pass on any important findings during my end of the day entry.

Mood: good. Motivation: alright. I should read some success stories to really feel invigorated again. Gotta take this one day at a time, one hour at a time! Good luck everyone and I wish you all a P free day.