PMO reached low point (Journal)

Back in 2016 I finally admited to myself I had a porn adiction and decided to take action.

• Stop watching all porn
• Irrecoverably delete my porn collection
• Throw all sex toys away
• Delete my profile on any porn websites
• Not search the internet for anything sexual
• Abstain from masturbating alone unless it?s accompanied by a fantasy about a real-life situation

That lasted a few months, but I slowly sliped back into porn and forgot about trying to quit completely.

Eventually the PMO cycle was making me feel down/irratable and I kept saying after every session "never again", but a few days later I was back at the computer for another PMO session.

Well, wind forward to 27/7 this year (2019) and after a particuarly bad few days of almost constant PMO, decided enough was enough and I had to get out of the cycle. Something "snapped" to make me take action.

Sex toys went in the bin (again!) and porn collection deleted, repeating the original list of actions.

Was very hard with myself that I would stop all MO for a few months to let my mind recover a little.

14/8

So far 19 days with no PMO. Pretty pleased with myself.

Started off with no desire to M and not thinking about anything sexual, but as the days passed something has gradually made me put a hand round my genitals when I?m alone and play with them whilst toileting, almost without realising I?m doing it. No M as such but holding everything in my hand in a sort of massaging / comforting way.

Also starting to look at women in a more sexual way. This is worrying and assume it?s my mind trying to replace the P. Every time it happens, I?m being hard with myself, forcing myself to look away and stopping the thoughts.

But?

Went for a pee at work in the cubical as usual (I have always found it easier to pee sitting rather than using the urinal, even when I was a teenager). All cubicles in the office are ?accessible? and are a mini washroom, including a mirror rather strangely placed opposite the pan at waist height.

Caught sight of my genitals in the mirror as I stood up and started examining my penis. I had no prior thoughts or intents, but got a near-instant erection, started to M whilst standing up and within 30 seconds O all over the cubical floor from nothing. WOW, something has changed, haven?t done it that quick for many (many!) years.

Annoyed as this has broken the no PMO run, but happy in the sense of their being no P (or indeed any sexual) thoughts, just concentrating on the immediate feeling.

So, reset MO counter to zero  but at least no sign of P.

21/8

Came within a fraction of having a wet dream. Not had one or been close since I was in my teens.

WTF?

Dreaming about MO but woke up just as the O approached and it subsided. Huge temptation to finish off but resisted and went back to sleep.

30/8

35 days of no P, 17 days of no MO.

Woke up slightly earlier than normal with my hand around my genitals. Like in the toilet a couple of weeks earlier, I started to M without consciously intending to, and ended up quickly grabbing a tissue hand having an O in bed inside a minute, again with no prior thoughts or intent.

Reset MO counter to zero again  but pleased I have not looked at or even searched for anything sexual or pornographic since starting this ?reset?.

Intend now is to be as hard as I can and resist all genital contact that isn?t toileting or washing, as well as distracting myself whenever I get sexual thoughts.

Well, feelings are getting interesting (if that's the right word).

I've always had a pee fetish (personal desperation and wetting myself & the bed, peeing anywhere outdoors).

Since stating this reboot I have been very firm about not doing anything that might trigger thoughts of this, however am now finding myself building desperation without realising I'm doing it, with the resulting relief creating a sexual feeling and having a hard time not playing a little.

What's causing this?

Is it the mind's basic desire to want to masturbate / have "sexual" feelings?

Any suggestions on a way to stop (or at least reduce) this cycle?

I need some advice/guidance.

The urge to M at times is strong, to the extent I'm putting my hand down my trousers without really thinking about what I'm doing. I manage to catch myself before getting going, but it's hard. Very hard.

What tips can others suggest to make this a little easier?

The usual "distraction" technique works to an extent (and I'm often busy anyway), but even then I end up with my hand where I don't want it to be  :-[

Go out and take a walk, or do some exercise out in the park, whatever?go out!
it will calm the urges