I need to stop being lazy

can6alex6

Member
My first post on any type of social media on the topic. I am a recovering porn addict. I've been using online porn for about 18 years now. I've been married for over 10 of those years. I have 2 children and I've jeopardized my family unit with my decision making. My family is the most important part of my life and at the same time I decided to bring deception and behaviors that disrespect the bond and intimacy that I share with my wife. I've been able to observe myself objectively throughout my years of marriage in order to work at improving my willpower and overcoming the need to act out sexually. Its been a struggle that includes many relapses and major setbacks in building trust with my wife. I want to remove these behaviors from my life because they are unwanted and counter productive to enjoying my relationship.
 

can6alex6

Member
As I mentioned before, this is my first time reaching out to a community to get the opportunity to develop an ability to talk about what I experience and become more comfortable facing my issues. I will provide more back story to things I can point to as contributing factors to my behaviors.

I am 35 years old and I began to view porn when I was 17. I experienced some family traumas and because I was a minor, I was taken from my home and spent a few months living with a foster family before eventually moving in with my Dad (parents were never married or co-habitated). The new dynamic was very different and much more lonely. My Dad worked 12-hour shifts so many evenings became opportune time to slip further into these habits. I've always been introverted, but a new home/school situation in a new town made it easier for me to disconnect. I believe during these years I really gave in to my reluctance to start or maintain relationships with people.

I first viewed suggestive photos on 56K dial-up but once we got DSL internet, it didn't take long before I found and used Kazaa/similar apps to download full videos. From then on, I built up a repertoire of several videos and clips to M to in the basement. I had a setup down there with my video games, DVD player and desktop computer. The stairs to the basement were carpeted and had distinct steps that made significant creak noises as anyone came down the stairs so I felt that I had privacy to get carried away in PMO. So, a lonely and reclusive teenage boy that spent way too much time exploring PMO, video games, watching TV and eating snacks in the basement without anyone really pushing me to do anything for myself.

I shouldn't say nobody pushed me, because once I developed this style of routine, my Dad would get annoyed and ask me to do things for myself. I've always been athletically inclined and sports are a passion of mine and I shared these traits with my Dad. So he tried to push me to work out and develop basketball skills in order to try out and make the basketball team. I absolutely thrived on the competitiveness of playing pickup basketball, never did make varsity but that fact was only a minor setback. I did learn all types of conditioning and weight training skills that I really enjoyed. The point of sharing this is that these are still some positive behaviors that I use and I am capable of self-motivation to try and stay fit.

I didn't do well in school and graduated with a 1.9 GPA. It was a motivation issue, I'm actually very capable 'if I apply myself' (I'm sure just like many of you). My Dad gave me an ultimatum to choose between working full-time and going away to college. Easy choice, negative result. I decided on one of the most difficult degree plans: electrical engineering. Didn't take it seriously, developed a habit of abusing alcohol, dabbled in marijuana and dropped out after 3 semesters. During those 2 years, I was arrested 3 times all for alcohol related charges. Long story short, I was reckless and not learning to be accountable.

I could go on and on, but I will wrap this up by identifying a few of my behaviors and at the same time describe some of my decision making skills as a young man. I have overwhelming feelings of shame and disgust when I think about my sexual behaviors objectively. This is another reason I'm choosing to share so openly in this forum. I feel like I need to develop an ability to have conversations and remove some of my stigmas.

I'm open to any feedback/advice/sharing differences and/or similarities.
 

zackergeet

Active Member
Welcome Alex, I have read your post and you have taken the first step that is recognizing your issues. Now you have to find why you want to eliminate your issues and start working in a solution. I have also been exposed to porn when I was 13 years old and since then I have consumed porn almost daily which caused PIED = porn induces erectile dysfunction. I recognized this when I realized that porn aroused me more than have intimacy with a girl. Even when I was hard I would lose my erection even inside. Fortunately, I have found this webpage and I have read all the problems porn and masturbation can cause. Now I am 20 days free of porn, masturbation and orgasm which has helped me to regain my morning woods but it seems takes longer for doing a full recovery. I suggest you to read success stories so you can learn what other people did and what they accomplished. Hope you can overcome this problem and best of luck my friend!

can6alex6 said:
As I mentioned before, this is my first time reaching out to a community to get the opportunity to develop an ability to talk about what I experience and become more comfortable facing my issues. I will provide more back story to things I can point to as contributing factors to my behaviors.

I am 35 years old and I began to view porn when I was 17. I experienced some family traumas and because I was a minor, I was taken from my home and spent a few months living with a foster family before eventually moving in with my Dad (parents were never married or co-habitated). The new dynamic was very different and much more lonely. My Dad worked 12-hour shifts so many evenings became opportune time to slip further into these habits. I've always been introverted, but a new home/school situation in a new town made it easier for me to disconnect. I believe during these years I really gave in to my reluctance to start or maintain relationships with people.

I first viewed suggestive photos on 56K dial-up but once we got DSL internet, it didn't take long before I found and used Kazaa/similar apps to download full videos. From then on, I built up a repertoire of several videos and clips to M to in the basement. I had a setup down there with my video games, DVD player and desktop computer. The stairs to the basement were carpeted and had distinct steps that made significant creak noises as anyone came down the stairs so I felt that I had privacy to get carried away in PMO. So, a lonely and reclusive teenage boy that spent way too much time exploring PMO, video games, watching TV and eating snacks in the basement without anyone really pushing me to do anything for myself.

I shouldn't say nobody pushed me, because once I developed this style of routine, my Dad would get annoyed and ask me to do things for myself. I've always been athletically inclined and sports are a passion of mine and I shared these traits with my Dad. So he tried to push me to work out and develop basketball skills in order to try out and make the basketball team. I absolutely thrived on the competitiveness of playing pickup basketball, never did make varsity but that fact was only a minor setback. I did learn all types of conditioning and weight training skills that I really enjoyed. The point of sharing this is that these are still some positive behaviors that I use and I am capable of self-motivation to try and stay fit.

I didn't do well in school and graduated with a 1.9 GPA. It was a motivation issue, I'm actually very capable 'if I apply myself' (I'm sure just like many of you). My Dad gave me an ultimatum to choose between working full-time and going away to college. Easy choice, negative result. I decided on one of the most difficult degree plans: electrical engineering. Didn't take it seriously, developed a habit of abusing alcohol, dabbled in marijuana and dropped out after 3 semesters. During those 2 years, I was arrested 3 times all for alcohol related charges. Long story short, I was reckless and not learning to be accountable.

I could go on and on, but I will wrap this up by identifying a few of my behaviors and at the same time describe some of my decision making skills as a young man. I have overwhelming feelings of shame and disgust when I think about my sexual behaviors objectively. This is another reason I'm choosing to share so openly in this forum. I feel like I need to develop an ability to have conversations and remove some of my stigmas.

I'm open to any feedback/advice/sharing differences and/or similarities.
 

can6alex6

Member
Thanks for the response Zack. I appreciate your willingness to reach out. I neglected to mention that I've read Out of the Shadows and Don't Call It Love by Patrick Carnes. I've read Love You, Hate the Porn by Chamberlain and Sheurer. I got the Audible app by Amazon and downloaded Breaking the Cycle by George Collins and Your Brain on Porn by Gary Wilson. I'm not saying I'm an expert in any regard but I do feel informed. Mostly because I experience these things and I want to move forward from the immature, kindov shortcut thoughts and actions. I've had small amounts of success of up to 1.5 years with staying abstinent from PMO but obviously with just as many relapses. I do have goals and I have developed plans, used to keep up with writing almost daily in a journal along with writing reaffirming words of encouragement on sticky notes. Tried my hand at meditation and I understand the basics of mindfulness. I try to stay active, i enjoy running outdoors and I work full time. I'm never done working and I fully accept that this will be part of my life to some extent forever. It will be up to me to acknowledge and deal with cravings and triggers as I try and create more positive habits.
 

can6alex6

Member
My journey is a long one but its something that I am capable of achieving. I understand a few of my barriers and that's a good start for managing my issues. My relationship with my wife is my main concern. When I act out sexually, I make selfish choices that speaks to my willpower. I give up control and let my id lead me. PMO leaves me with no satisfaction and I can attest to how giving in once can lead to a stronger pull to give in again. While this in itself is a problem for me, I also struggle with being honest about these acts and the thoughts surrounding them. I'm not honest with myself and I try and move past my thoughts and actions as soon as they're over. I also don't share my active struggle with my wife and that hurts her. During our relationship, she has set clear boundaries that PMO is offensive and will not be tolerated. It has become a norm within our relationship that I lie to her when asked and continue to conceal the behavior. Then becomes a point when she discovers that this is happening because the laptop or iPad or my phone has a P website pulled up or the like. Next comes the confrontation where I may or may not admit based on how much evidence is available. Once we get to a point where I start being honest with my wife is where I can finally begin recovery. I can also be honest with myself and it really hurts to acknowledge that I am still not capable of maintaining control. Then begins a period of time in which I am willing to work at these issues until the next time that I relapse. It's a cycle that has been my reality for about 10 years now. This is both embarrassing and frustrating. I need to finally work through these issues and remain consistent rather than giving in.
 

can6alex6

Member
So far my recovery has been going well. I have to keep my focus on my long term future and the result that my behaviors can have on my life. I haven't been able to maintain this thinking process long enough to say that I've overcome the willpower that can pull me towards destructive actions. I want to give my wife the respect she deserves and that requires me to acknowledge that PMO can always be a possibility but I don't have to choose it. What I mean is that although these thoughts and behaviors are within me, I will be more successful by not ignoring them but instead keeping them in the light. The unwanted behaviors exist when I try and keep them in the back of my mind. I owe it to myself to mature in these areas and stay true to myself. If I really want it, why is it so difficult to remain in control? It's something so simple but I make it difficult. This is going to take some effort and I cannot give in.
 

can6alex6

Member
I've been using online P for about 18 years. I always thought that the way I would go about it was private and not a big deal. I can remember when it became a problem. About 2 months into my marriage, my wife observed some P websites and saved video clips on my phone. She was disgusted and offended at what I was watching. I remember her sharing that it made her feel insecure. She would often ask why I felt the need to look elsewhere for P when she was right in front of me. She also didn't like that the women did look like her or they did things that she would never do. Most importantly she felt betrayed that I hadn't shared that this was something that I did. From that moment on, she made it clear that P had no part in our relationship and that I should want to remove this from our life together. Before that, I never once made the connection that this is offensive to women. I never understood why I was never really close to a lot of women throughout my life. Looking back, I typically connected with the assistance of alcohol because I am an overthinker and I neglected to develop these types of social relationships. Literally the only date I went on was senior prom. My Dad used to tease me and say that because no girls would call the house or I would never tell him that I was spending time with a girl that I must be gay. At the time, I found that hurtful and wanted to prove him wrong. So I asked a girl to go with me to prom and she agreed. I was excited and convinced that I was finally going to have sex, but I failed to acknowledge that she had thoughts and feelings and a say in the matter. After that, the very next date was about a year later, in college. Kinda went on a tangent there. All that to say that I didn't really think about how my actions would make my wife feel and this began my battle with trying to overcome PMO.
 

can6alex6

Member
This week has been good for working through my PMO issues. I find it helpful to keep reminding myself that these issues still exist. With 10+ years of failed recovery from my addiction and deceptions, I find that when I look at my myself objectively is when I can finally see my negative patterns. It can be so easy on any particular day to say that this is not in control of my mind and that I can just stop. But the reality is that my issues lie within my "shadows" for lack of a better word. It's when I ignore the faint pull or observe anything sexually arousing and simply look away. Obviously direct participation is what I'm trying to avoid but its the surrounding environment of hiding thoughts and behaviors where my addiction tends to pop up. I must continue to take this opportunity to share, albeit anonymously, and somewhat expose my shadows. I was finally able to connect with my first accountability partner. I'm looking forward to another perspective on how I'm working through things because I've really struggled to stay true to myself and my wife.
 
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