As I mentioned before, this is my first time reaching out to a community to get the opportunity to develop an ability to talk about what I experience and become more comfortable facing my issues. I will provide more back story to things I can point to as contributing factors to my behaviors.
I am 35 years old and I began to view porn when I was 17. I experienced some family traumas and because I was a minor, I was taken from my home and spent a few months living with a foster family before eventually moving in with my Dad (parents were never married or co-habitated). The new dynamic was very different and much more lonely. My Dad worked 12-hour shifts so many evenings became opportune time to slip further into these habits. I've always been introverted, but a new home/school situation in a new town made it easier for me to disconnect. I believe during these years I really gave in to my reluctance to start or maintain relationships with people.
I first viewed suggestive photos on 56K dial-up but once we got DSL internet, it didn't take long before I found and used Kazaa/similar apps to download full videos. From then on, I built up a repertoire of several videos and clips to M to in the basement. I had a setup down there with my video games, DVD player and desktop computer. The stairs to the basement were carpeted and had distinct steps that made significant creak noises as anyone came down the stairs so I felt that I had privacy to get carried away in PMO. So, a lonely and reclusive teenage boy that spent way too much time exploring PMO, video games, watching TV and eating snacks in the basement without anyone really pushing me to do anything for myself.
I shouldn't say nobody pushed me, because once I developed this style of routine, my Dad would get annoyed and ask me to do things for myself. I've always been athletically inclined and sports are a passion of mine and I shared these traits with my Dad. So he tried to push me to work out and develop basketball skills in order to try out and make the basketball team. I absolutely thrived on the competitiveness of playing pickup basketball, never did make varsity but that fact was only a minor setback. I did learn all types of conditioning and weight training skills that I really enjoyed. The point of sharing this is that these are still some positive behaviors that I use and I am capable of self-motivation to try and stay fit.
I didn't do well in school and graduated with a 1.9 GPA. It was a motivation issue, I'm actually very capable 'if I apply myself' (I'm sure just like many of you). My Dad gave me an ultimatum to choose between working full-time and going away to college. Easy choice, negative result. I decided on one of the most difficult degree plans: electrical engineering. Didn't take it seriously, developed a habit of abusing alcohol, dabbled in marijuana and dropped out after 3 semesters. During those 2 years, I was arrested 3 times all for alcohol related charges. Long story short, I was reckless and not learning to be accountable.
I could go on and on, but I will wrap this up by identifying a few of my behaviors and at the same time describe some of my decision making skills as a young man. I have overwhelming feelings of shame and disgust when I think about my sexual behaviors objectively. This is another reason I'm choosing to share so openly in this forum. I feel like I need to develop an ability to have conversations and remove some of my stigmas.
I'm open to any feedback/advice/sharing differences and/or similarities.