Not a Catchy Title ...

I've been here before, many times.  3 years ago I went 128 days with the aide of an image blocker and filter.  After removing the image blocker and filter after 120 days due to interference with my work I fell.  I've come at this disgusting habitual sin from every angle, tried multiple sites and methods, read multiple religious, scientific, and psychological books on the subject.  Watched the videos that are recommended and still I crave this shit.  Since my fall I routinely abstain anywhere from 3 to 7 days but never more than 14.  I've begged, I've prayed, I've resolved, I've confessed and rededicated myself again and again and again, and still, here I am.  Hopeless.  Not sure why I came back here, it is not the same place it was 3 years ago and I rarely agree with any of the newbies who seem to think dabbling or any other sort of end run is ok as long as it wasn't actual porn.  Frankly, I'm exhausted, I'm tapped out and feel like throwing up my hands and just hurling myself into the abyss.(figuratively)  Just want this fight to be over, I'm waving the white flag and laying down my weapons.  I'll either be taken by the enemy or slain here on the field, but I can't fight anymore I have no fight left.  Only my shame remains intact.   

Basic info about me:
Raised in a Christian home, was introduced to porn mags by a friend at age 8 and it took hold in my mind from the get. 

Age 12 found porn on cable tv and rewired box for free movies, also began PMO'ing at this time. 

Age 15 I began composing my own porn stories and sharing with friends. 

At 16 I discovered race cars and gave all my free time to that until I began dating my wife at 22.   

Dated my wife for 3 years and so for roughly 9 years I was mostly without porn/PMO as best I can remember.  We abstained from actual intercourse until the honeymoon but we did engage in manual and oral. 

After we married in 1995 we dabbled with watching playboy together, but soon dropped it and were content with each other for the next 3 years. 

Then in 1998 we discovered the interweb and once again porn took hold of me and to my everlasting shame, I shared it with my wonderful bride.  For a brief time(months) it was a routine part of our sex life, watching DVDs together and then engaging in sex.  Almost immediately I felt convicted over what I had done we agreed to get ride of the movies and went back to our own sex life without outside stimuli.

From then on I've struggled with PMO of different types, but mostly free internet crap.  I'd say 2005 was when I really started wanting to be done with porn and began seeking the exit.  But its 2020, we're in the midst of a plandemic and here I am bringing up the rear.  I have no expectations, I'm just tired and wanted to rant into the ether... 

I've already PMO'd 3 times today and feel about as dead inside as I ever have. 

Somebody wake me up when this shit is over, because I'm turning off my alarm ???

Hey Artemus,

I've been on this forum before; I think it's a common theme here.  You know that P is not just P, it's an addiction, just like any other addiction.  Unfortunately, we'll be fighting this shit for the rest of our lives probably - that's the bad news.

The good news is that it makes us stronger; gives us resolve we would not have otherwise.  I think of Emerson's law of compensation when I think of people going through rough times....it's true we have more heartache and pain to deal with than those who are not addicted...yet we also have a view of life they can never have either....we appreciate the simpler things in life.

Others may never know just how amazing it is to find true love and experience that as opposed to the fake shit.  Others may never truly know themselves inside as those of us who have examined ourselves and tried our best to root-out those things that are unhealthy.

There is a depth of character in us that is not present in the general population.

I love the story of Soichiro Honda, whom I learned of by listening to stuff by Tony Robbins; Mr Honda was the epitome of failing and getting back up each and every time.  He was ridiculed, had to go back to school after failing in a business venture, had his factory bombed during the war, was told his invention was basically worthless after trying a different path, and finally found success.

https://gettinginspire.blogspot.com/2019/10/soichiro-honda-biography-success-story.html

Another thing I think of is Napoleon Hill's quote that within every adversity is the seed of an equivalent success...meaning that there is some distinction we can gain every time we "fail" that we would not have had before.

Have you tried using positive affirmations of ways you want to improve your life so that you take your focus off of P altogether?

Hang in there brother, it's usually when we want to give up that we finally start succeeding and making some real powerful changes.  (Look up Napoleon Hill's other self).

Thankyou, NTG for your encouraging words.  Yes, I do know of Napoleon Hill's works, I love them.  Today was a dark day for me and I'm sure tomorrow will be better, but tonight I'm just exhausted and I don't know what I'm gonna do in the morning.  Today It just felt like I'd finally tried everything, pulled every lever, made my last-best move and still came up wanting.  I saw an encouraging video not long ago with, Denzel Washington where he was giving a speech to a graduating class.  His theme that was not to give up and not to fear failure, which is difficult for me.  In my house growing up failure was the one thing we were taught we should fear and avoid.  At 50 I understand the concept and wisdom of getting up one more time, because this time may be the time you don't fail.  Get knocked dow 7 times, get up 8.  Tonight that is easier said than done, so much of my life has been retarded due to PMO, opportunities missed, chances squandered and right now I'm struggling to remember what it is I'm fighting for.  What is left?  My horizon is blank and my past is dogging me, hands on top of hands on top of hands pull at me, dragging me down.  I apologize for my bleak demeanor, I just know the problem lies with me, but I can't put my finger on it...  I'm not usually this dark or down.  Day zero is nearing completion, 35 minutes to go.  Later.

Hey Artemus.

You say that you went 120 days without porn. That's a Herculean effort in itself. The longest run I've had was 275 days without porn. But you know what's coming next, I slipped up once and started using again. The problem is that when we've racked up 120 days, we kind of forget the fire we had in our bellies during the first 20 days. When the cravings start for me I just scream 'NO' to myself inside my head. There's a voice inside my head constantly telling me 'go on, just 5 minutes won't hurt', but 5 minutes turns into an hour, which becomes an hour every day, which becomes wasting my life watching porn. I have to be honest, I don't know if I can do this, but when I see what was possible for 275 days it give me hope. At 120 days you just needed to go another 24 hours. That's not an impossible task is it. If I told you to go 24 hours without porn. It's difficult, but it's not impossible. At 121 days you just had to tell yourself to go another 24 hours, and so on.

I did something pretty drastic during my last reboot. There are a couple of problems I found with this 'solution', so think really carefully before attempting something like this. I bought a chastity device. At first it was uncomfortable, but after a couple of days it was barely noticeable. When I came home from work I locked myself up, went outside and put the key to the device in my car and went back to my apartment. This did two things. Firstly, it's there. You can't forget about it. It was a constant reminder that I mustn't watch porn. Secondly, masturbation was impossible. Even with the chastity device on, I sometimes found myself with porn on my computer screen. It doesn't stop you from watching porn, it doesn't eliminate the cravings, but in order to masturbate I had to pull my pants up from round my ankles, get my car keys, go outside (hopefully it was cold or raining), get the key to the chastity device, go back in, pull my pants down by my ankles, etc. All this gave me valuable thinking time; time to cool off. Anyway, this took care of masturbation, which is a big trigger for me. Obviously, I removed the device when I went to work or when I was out socialising. I only used it when I was home alone, with too much free time.

The problem I discovered with this was that I could feel I had something around my penis, which was 'erotic'. This is a big problem when you're trying to keep porn out of your thoughts. Sleeping in it wasn't so uncomfortable, but waking up with an erection was incredibly painful, but that kind of helped me to focus. It's not a long term solution and in fact when I decided I'd had enough control over my urge to masturbate I just put it in a draw and never wore it again. It's just too easy to reach down and start stroking myself when I get hard to some kind of erotic thought or image. Hence a relapse and why I'm back here again. I still have the device, but I haven't used it during this reboot yet. Hopefully, I won't have to. But of course, it doesn't deal with porn and the internet, it just means you don't get your 'prize' at the end of it. In hindsight, I'm not sure if this was a great idea by me, but it's a short term solution.

Have you tried hypnosis?

I'm coming up to the 30 days of this reboot. This one seems a little easier than the others. I think it's because I had several long runs of no porn, and even when I relapsed I wasn't watching porn every day, and more importantly for me, I told myself not to edge. Just watch some porn, get the job done, and get on with the rest of my day. Not great, but a big improvement on my past porn consumption habits, which involved hours and hours of edging. I think if we can get three or four long porn free runs, it weakens porn's grip on us. I feel that this is doable this time. I'm at home on the internet for hours on end due to the the Covid situation and it's been pretty easy to fight the porn urges so far.

It's shit! I know how shit it is when we keep going back to porn; sat at a computer with our pants round our ankles, penis in one hand. It's pathetic! People do quit though and so can we.

Take it one day at a time. Counting can be good, but it can also be a little depressing. Just wake up and ask yourself "what am I not going to do today?" If you get urges, stop them early and go and do something else. Go outside!

I really get a sense of pain in your post and it made me a little emotional. It breaks my heart to see someone suffering like this. it really does. I know how low we can get with this. So, I'm asking you, not for yourself, but for me, to beat this addiction. If I know you can do it then I know I can too.

I was a bit optimistic. I'm coming up to 20 days of this reboot. 

Its a new day, about 20 hours in the bank now give or take.  Yesterday was a big hit for me, it was my first day back working full time from home and so no one around to get in the way of my misbehaving, so I did.  First, I'd like to thank everyone with their words of encouragement, their shared experience, and their well-intended advice and insights, for that, I thank you all sincerely.

I don't like to refer to what I do in regards to porn and PMO as an addiction, I see it as a "Habitual Sin" that I've cultivated over the years to deal with any number of discomforts that come my way.  These discomforts can be as trivial as boredom or as extreme as the sudden loss of a job or other financial pitfall.  If memory serves me my best effort unaided was something like 28 days, so very nearly a month.  I could just put an image blocker back on my computer or enlist some other device to hinder my access to porn or PMO, but that's not what I want for myself.  Like I stated before I am a Christian and I believe what the scriptures teach is true and useful, it is "I" who fall short.  I won't get preachy or argue with anyone on this, I'm just stating my position and I will not be moved on this.  Its only been recently I came to learn the meaning of some scripture that had puzzled me for years that I think is at the heart of my struggle.  Matthew 12:43-45

Return of an Unclean Spirit

43 ?When the unclean spirit has gone out of a person, it passes through waterless places seeking rest, but finds none. 44 Then it says, ?I will return to my house from which I came.? And when it comes, it finds the house empty, swept, and put in order. 45 Then it goes and brings with it seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they enter and dwell there, and the last state of that person is worse than the first. So also will it be with this evil generation.?

For years this scripture confounded me, it seemed to be a hopeless situation for someone trying to get on the right path.  I dug deeper and found out what it meant was, especially in regards to "our" use of Porn/PMO, is that it's not enough to clean house and throw out the trash, because if you leave a space vacant and don't refill that space with something better, like a "good" habit instead of a "bad" one, then the old will rush back in.  Nature abhors a vacuum, so we best be filling that space with what we want.  That was always my shortfall, I cleaned house over and over, but I never bothered refilling the space with something good, I just stood at the door pressing hard trying to keep the trash from flooding back in, but eventually we tire and are overrun, like yesterday for me.

The Bible makes us a promise in 1 Corithians 10:13 and I believe it,

13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

So today is a new day, I have a promise that I won't have to face anything that's more difficult than what others face, and when I do face these challenges(temptations) all I need to do is take the exit God has promised to provide and to use the wisdom He provides in His scripture.  Now that I've swept my place clean I just need to fill it with good habits and keep it full.  The reason I avoid using the term addiction is it implies powerlessness and/or victimhood and I refuse to see myself as a victim, I make the choice to PMO and if I can decide to do that I can decide to do something else, which may include running away when needed. 

Later

DAY 001

Hi Artemus,

I can relate on so many levels to what you're feeling. The hopelessness, the exhaustion...Sometime it feels like we are at battle with an unseen enemy more cunning than COVID. But the good news is, the battle can be won, and everyone here is rooting for your victory.

It's quite alright if you don't want to call this an addiction. It doesn't have to define you. Just keep doing the things you're doing to fill your house with good habits. That seems like a good way to go.

Best of luck to you, friend.

LetItGoAlready said:

Hi Artemus,

I can relate on so many levels to what you're feeling. The hopelessness, the exhaustion...Sometime it feels like we are at battle with an unseen enemy more cunning than COVID. But the good news is, the battle can be won, and everyone here is rooting for your victory.

It's quite alright if you don't want to call this an addiction. It doesn't have to define you. Just keep doing the things you're doing to fill your house with good habits. That seems like a good way to go.

Best of luck to you, friend.

Click to expand...

Thanks Mate,

Good day so far, my mind is quiet, I'm keeping busy and my wife is off work the next 3 days so that'll help.  I've been over this ground many times after falling before, it seems after a binge and recommitment that things remain very quiet for a time, just like in the scripture I quoted earlier about cleaning the house and the demons traveling far and wide through dry and desolate places, I can relate to that.  For a while, it's always deceptively quiet and in my earlier attempts, I mistook the quiet and calm for outright victory, only to be overrun a short time later.  Whether its demons or brain chemistry is irrelevant, this is the pattern, and if you aren't prepared and aware you will have a tough time and most likely fallback. 

I remember early on in my first goes with RN they always recommended taking up going to the gym and lots of exercise and I thought that was strange and unnecessary, but I think I understand the motivation behind that advice now.  I think it has to do with filling your time and keeping your mind busy.  I've had A.D.D. since I was a child, so daydreaming is something I do at will.  Having this ability helps me to be creative in problem-solving and making things, but in excess, it leaves the door open to fantasy and then onto PMO.  I firmly believe this is where my Achilles heel is, my tendency to wander off mentally whenever I'm stressed or bored.  I struggle to keep my mind on task, checking out is just easier.  This is the habit I need to replace, to reign in.  I love being able to use my mind to create but I need to master it and stop being mastered by it. 

Let's Crack on, Mates!

P.S.
Back in the day, we had "counters" on here that you added to your signature that automatically kept score for you, are they gone or can we still get them?

Day 002

Alright its day 4,
 
Yesterday I spent the day on the road with my wife, no time to waste and so no issues.  This morning I noticed life returning to my nether regions and the occasional thought like, "Well I could look at ...", but I dispatched those quickly and am about to leave to do some chores for a family member.  I'm still working on what or how I'll refill my "empty space" with, within my mind that was once occupied by PMO.  Next week I will be returning to fulltime "at home" working on the PC, so I need a plan.  Any suggestions on that would be welcome.  Early on after a fall, I find it easy to deflect the attacks, but somewhere down the line I just get worn down and indulge, so this time I want to be prepared.

Later Dudes

Day 004

Hi Artemus,

Well done on dispatching those thoughts and turning your attention elsewhere. I'm not sure if you are a regular user of the Headspace app https://www.headspace.com/, but if not, I'd encourage you to give it a try. There's a series of meditations that the guide (whose name is Andy) refers to as the "craving pack." The actual name of the series is "Coping with Cravings." It includes a whole month's worth of meditations on the thoughts and feelings that tempt us. The idea of the meditations is not to chase or resist the thoughts and feelings but to sit with them and observe them with curiosity and detachment. 

I know that sitting with one's thoughts and feelings doesn't sound very proactive, but I have personally found the meditations to be very useful in preparing myself for cravings, because they will come back. And sometimes the very act of resisting them makes them even harder to resist - if that makes any sense.

Anyway, I'm glad to see that you're taking the time to prepare yourself for the inevitable. That seems like a wise approach.

Keep planning, preparing for, and most importantly, living the life you want to live!

LetItGoAlready said:

Hi Artemus,

Well done on dispatching those thoughts and turning your attention elsewhere. I'm not sure if you are a regular user of the Headspace app https://www.headspace.com/, but if not, I'd encourage you to give it a try. There's a series of meditations that the guide (whose name is Andy) refers to as the "craving pack." The actual name of the series is "Coping with Cravings." It includes a whole month's worth of meditations on the thoughts and feelings that tempt us. The idea of the meditations is not to chase or resist the thoughts and feelings but to sit with them and observe them with curiosity and detachment. 

I know that sitting with one's thoughts and feelings doesn't sound very proactive, but I have personally found the meditations to be very useful in preparing myself for cravings, because they will come back. And sometimes the very act of resisting them makes them even harder to resist - if that makes any sense.

Anyway, I'm glad to see that you're taking the time to prepare yourself for the inevitable. That seems like a wise approach.

Keep planning, preparing for, and most importantly, living the life you want to live!

Click to expand...

Thanks, I'll take a look at that and see what they say.  I agree, engaging the negative thoughts(temptations) gives them power and tends to make you fixate on the very thing you want to avoid.  Thanks for the encouragement.

That's the spirit-keep going, you are further ahead than last week!  You are running the race with perseverance-best wishes and good job with the desire to improve your life!

I'm not gonna let it knock me back to where I was a week ago, but I made a rookie mistake and so I'm resetting my counter to ZERO.

After falling into a period of binging I'm back on the horse, but I must confess I'm struggling to concentrate today, so I came here to write it out.  Writing seems to help, I know not why.  I don't have all the answers, but a quote I've heard attributed to Thomas Edison seems appropriate.  Mr Edison was asked how it felt to fail at making the first cotton filament light bulb a thousand times.  His response was, "I didn't fail a thousand times, I simply found a thousand ways not to make a light bulb." I can identify with that, for I too have been marked a failure by others, that I was not committed enough, or wasn't actually saved or etc, etc, etc.  Having these judgements placed on me took their toll on me and at times I believed them to be true.  I don't know exactly why specifically I continue to struggle when others seemingly walk in and back out of PMO with ease.  Time after time I've watched those who come in to RN, set a counter for 90 days, do the 90 days in seemingly 1 go and then leave.  I on the other hand go round and round on this, "Sick Cycle Carousel".  Its a puzzler for sure but I do know the problem lies with me and I'm sure it is directly related to why I've struggled to succeed at the things I've attempted to do.  I continuously take inventory of myself and constantly seek to root out my deficiencies, because the one thing I do know is that lying to myself would only serve to keep me enslaved.  My father has always been the type person who blames everyone else for everything and seeing what this has done to him and his life and shown me the importance for honesty to ones self. 

The desire for this PMO comes from within me, my heart is the heart that seeks this pleasure, not some outwardly force making me do it.  I am no victim, though I wasn't looking when I was first shown porn, I did not turn away either, but instead cultivated a deep taste for it over many, many years.  Yes, writing helps, the confusion has left me and now I feel better situated to go back to my work.

Later, Dudes

I don't remember if I mentioned it but I have ADD, which from what I understand is a deficiency of dopamine in the brain, this also contributes to my attraction to PMO.  They've found through scientific study that people with ADD are drawn more to dangerous, thrill seeking behaviors in greater numbers than the general population.  We tend to do things like join the military, policeman, firefighters, career crimal and risky sexual behaviors as well.  Its all an effort to stimulate the dopamine effect and make us feel alive.  I know for most of my childhood I felt kinda muted and under a wet blanket.  The one place I felt alive was riding my go kart, then later riding/racing my dirt bike and then onto other motorsports.  At one point I considered going to Hollywood and becoming a stuntman or joining the airforce so I could fly jets.  Sadly another issue with ADD is poor school performance and so the Airforce was out and in between I found race cars and have spent the majority of my adult life in and around race cars of different types.  At the track is where I feel normal and at home, the rest of the time as Steve McQueen said in LeMans(1971), "Its just waiting."  So somehow I've got to find a way to fill my space up with something that'll keep me stimulated till I get back to the track.  For me I've found Heavy Metal and Rock music to really help me get up and get going, instead of drifting into fantasy. 

Whats up?

I haven't posted in a week or so, been struggling to get any traction and put a run together.  I'd do a couple of days, then binge.  Wash, Rinse, Repeat...  So I'm like why am I not getting anywhere?  I prayed, I thought and was just frustrated.  Then it came to me, my music...  Some of my music is suggestive and some of it is just in your face sexual.  So I sat down at my PC, pulled up our entire music library and went artist by artist, song by song deleting every single thing that even hinted at sex and deleted it.  I had probably 30 playlists I rotate through, so I deleted all those too and began fresh.  Instantly I could tell a difference, I no longer had thoughts raging in my head and even though I've only got 2 days as of this post, it is much calmer in my head than before.  I still have my metal music, but just nothing that touts sexual behavior to stoke my imagination.  My wife and I had the best day together yesterday we've had in some time and I felt more in the room, more present and less distracted.  I suppose the suggestive music was doing just that, suggesting sex constantly and driving me to distraction.  Its only 2 days, but I'll take it.

Later, Dudes.

Hi Artemus - Good to have you back, friend. I took a bit of an unscheduled holiday myself, so I also have some ground to make up on this forum.

I sat down at my PC, pulled up our entire music library and went artist by artist, song by song deleting every single thing that even hinted at sex and deleted it

Click to expand...

This sounds like a pretty big sacrifice for you to make given how much you seem to love music, so I give you props for even trying it. Best wishes to you on continuing this streak and on having more good days ahead with your wife. 

LetItGoAlready said:

Hi Artemus - Good to have you back, friend. I took a bit of an unscheduled holiday myself, so I also have some ground to make up on this forum.

I sat down at my PC, pulled up our entire music library and went artist by artist, song by song deleting every single thing that even hinted at sex and deleted it

Click to expand...

This sounds like a pretty big sacrifice for you to make given how much you seem to love music, so I give you props for even trying it. Best wishes to you on continuing this streak and on having more good days ahead with your wife.

Click to expand...

Thanks, LetItGo!

Today I miss my wife, her schedule right now fluctuates between 2 days on/3 days off and then 3 days on/2 days off, 12 hours per.  Today is the first of 3 days on and I'm just down about it.  I know some couples, even maybe a lot of couples like a lot of time apart or on their own, but we don't and just knowing she'll be gone all day for the next 3 days and then exhausted when she gets home is a bummer.  The loneliness is distracting and I confess I've had passing thoughts to "self medicate" with my favorite drug, but I haven't.  Today I came here, to vent I suppose, but "this too shall pass" as they say.

I went through this struggle for years, many long years, 25 years. The New Testament talks about being born again, having the Holy Spirit come into your heart. When the Holy Spirit first came into the congregation there were flames of fire on the Christian's head. I was finally divorced, porn had cracked the foundation of my marriage and the house just fell around it. I was totally free for the first time in my life to do whatever I wanted. I went crazy. I went through phases of interacting with women online and ended up with cam girls. I spent thousands of dollars. It wasn't long before I was wasted, totally empty, no meaning in life. I was suicidal. I was watching some cam girls one night, spending money, and I just cried out to God to come into my heart. I was totally desperate at that point, had given all of my life to God to do with as He wished. It was a few days after that when I found Reboot Nation and somebody recommended the book "Your Brain on Porn." THat changed my life. I really believe God changed my heart, and He can do that.

I say all of this to say that I followed your journal and the one thing is you never give up. Just don't ever give up.

The loneliness is distracting and I confess I've had passing thoughts to "self medicate" with my favorite drug, but I haven't.  Today I came here, to vent I suppose, but "this too shall pass" as they say.

Click to expand...

I suspect loneliness is an issue for a lot of guys here. I don't get much alone time these days, but when I do, it helps to reach out to others just like you're doing. Getting out of your routine helps, too. It never hurts to step away from the computer and busy yourself with an activity that isn't fraught with potential triggers, like going for a walk, doing a chore, etc. It will at least take your mind off the urge to self-medicate momentarily, and sometimes the feeling will simply pass.

Stay strong, friend. And keep coming here to stay accountable. That helps, too!