Anyone else explode at unhealthy advice?

Okay, so I have seen two types of unhealthy advice. The first time was when my husband had a counselor that told him all of his addiction was as a result of 'low self esteem' and that he should go online to try to find some 'friends' that would help him find happiness - since of course his wife was being so down in the dumps. I was reading online and saw that LOTS of other folks have had equally bad advice from some therapists. I mean really - what could go wrong with encouraging a recovering porn addict to go online to find 'friends'?

Just today I was reading a book that was designed for "Good guys that cheat". Some advice was actually pretty good. But - oh my gosh, the bad advice that surrounded the good advice was criminal! Things like telling the man to erase all evidence so the wife doesn't find it and create your own narrative that would be the most acceptable to the wife. It also said that if you don't think your wife knows about the affair - don't tell her! Juts end the affair and tell your wife you want to go to marriage counseling because you are unhappy in the marriage.

Mind you, earlier in the book it said that wives can feel a small sense of relief when they find out the man did have an affair because at least they know they aren't crazy because they generally suspect something. Now it tells the man to just gaslight the wife by denying an affair happened in the first place unless the wife has absolute proof - really?

One chapter says be transparent while the next chapter says destroy evidence and pretend like you never cheated on your wife.

The messed up part is the stuff in the middle about meeting the needs of the wife was really good. But, imagine the poor woman whose husband follows this advice and then she finds out later on after 'marriage counseling' that her husband was sleeping with the neighbor. Knowing is extremely painful, but being lied to and gaslighted is a million times more painful than knowing the truth. I swear there is a bunch of absolute rubbish out there posing as professional advice!

I agree, there is so much crap advise out there. Apparently a few years back my husband went to a doc to try and see what was wrong with him cause he couldn't last long and couldn't always get hard. The doc gave him Viagra and then encouraged him to look at porn!!!! He said if we were having problems then we should watch it together!!! Really?!? Yeah, I still get mad just thinking about it. He was encouraged by a medical professional to go watch porn. WOW

Wow, that's amazingly inconsistent and contradictory! It almost sounds like the author was struggling to write a whole book and just started throwing all sorts of ideas in there to pad it out. The least they could do is take a position and stick with it. I think it highlights that self help books are often not altruistic in nature. Many that I've read are about self-aggrandisement of the author. Fortunately there are a few good ones out there.

Oh yes. There is just so much stuff out there that makes me feel despondent. That book seems pretty awful. It's the sort of crap that makes my blood boil. When it comes to porn there is a ton of shit spoken in its favor. The biggest crock of shit saying how it keeps relationships together when one partner has a "higher sex drive" (whatever that means). Each and every one of us can say that it was porn that just about finished our relationships and that porn was driving us apart, not keeping us together. And this "high sex drive" stuff, we can all recount stories of waiting in the bedroom being ready for..... nothing. Or being told "I'm too tired". Over and over and over.

Then there's this idea put forward about how it allows people to "explore their sexuality", to indulge in fantasies about what they'd like to do but maybe the partner won't. All I can say to that is "try me". If that's the case then why not try communicating about it? Obviously some of these "fantasies" are just selfish indulgence, like looking at as many different women as possible, and some are just unethically (teen porn and rape porn come to mind). The truth is, there isn't that much to the sex act itself. You can dress it up and stick a cherry on top but it's just sex. The porn industry has tried to go to greater extremes because people have seen it all before. So they invent a genre called "double penetration" for example, and that fuels a new genre featuring women who have a visible anal prolapse from performing these kinds of activities. But that's nothing to do with "exploring one's sexuality" because firstly, no woman in her right mind would consent to that, and secondly, fetishising a bodily injury has more to do with taking pleasure in somebody's pain and denigration. So I really question this "exploring" aspect of porn. As far as the more "harmless" aspect me go, by harmless I mean dressing up games and things like that, then why don't just do it?! Discuss it with your partner! Personally I don't like the porn industry prescribing what I should do, wear, act, say etc, but on the other hand we have the power of our own imaginations and we certainly don't need this toxic industry to think on our behalf.

So that's what I read recently and I know that in the past SOME sex therapists would consider porn for couples as a sort of kickstart to a flagging sex life. There were attempts in the past to create educational videos for couples, I suppose along the lines of The Joy of Sex. I have never seen that book, but I think it was a landmark publication which was aimed at older married couples following the so-called sexual revolution. I don't think educational videos took off because men want porn, not "how to make love with your wife" and your introduce a previously anorgasmic woman to the idea of her own sexual pleasure. I guess it wasn't porny enough for men who wanted to see porn and jerk off to their dirty little secret hardcore videos.

I agree, too many porn apologists. Everywhere.

AnonymousAnnaXO said:

The first therapist my partner saw told him that we should watch porn together, but female friendly, like the "good" porn for women, maybe it was feminist porn or something? I just remember being outraged that the therapist suggested we watch porn together when he went in saying he was a porn addict..... Really?????? The most insane thing I've ever heard.

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Soft sciences and their social engineering. They've done (and are doing) untold amounts of damage to people and society.

I've been told this before "there's nothing wrong with adding spice to a relationship by watching porn together, it can be healthy for a relationship." I ended up looking at my fiance and asking "Is me fixating on being turned on by a guy with large muscles, washboard abs, manscaped body hair, tanned, with a thick 8 inch cock okay with you then? And after I'm hot from watching this guy and projecting myself into the movie scenes with him, I can imagine I'm still fucking him while I'm fucking you! Gawd knows your new car smell is long gone afterall. Yep, sounds spicy!"

My fiance visibly blanched, slammed his teeth together, glared daggers at me and gritted out from between his teeth a very harsh and terse "NO!"

I just smiled after that. Point made. 

Soft sciences and their social engineering. They've done (and are doing) untold amounts of damage to people and society.

I've been told this before "there's nothing wrong with adding spice to a relationship by watching porn together, it can be healthy for a relationship." I ended up looking at my fiance and asking "Is me fixating on being turned on by a guy with large muscles, washboard abs, manscaped body hair, tanned, with a thick 8 inch cock okay with you then? And after I'm hot from watching this guy and projecting myself into the movie scenes with him, I can imagine I'm still fucking him while I'm fucking you! Gawd knows your new car smell is long gone afterall. Yep, sounds spicy!"

My fiance visibly blanched, slammed his teeth together, glared daggers at me and gritted out from between his teeth a very harsh and terse "NO!"

I just smiled after that. Point made. 

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Love that! I am sure my partner would react the same way if I said something like that to him.

AnonymousAnnaXO said:

The first therapist my partner saw told him that we should watch porn together, but female friendly, like the "good" porn for women, maybe it was feminist porn or something? I just remember being outraged that the therapist suggested we watch porn together when he went in saying he was a porn addict..... Really?????? The most insane thing I've ever heard.

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Another crock of shit. I don't fall for all that "sex positive" garbage.

If I went along with this "watch together" idea, then let me choose the video. How about two handsome musclebound men making out in the shower? Yeah, let's see how many so-called 'couples' like it when it's the woman feasting her eyes on the naked male body.

I wonder how those midlife men with their flabby midlife bellies and floppy pornsick dicks respond to that idea  ;D

Another crock of shit. I don't fall for all that "sex positive" garbage.

If I went along with this "watch together" idea, then let me choose the video. How about two handsome musclebound men making out in the shower? Yeah, let's see how many so-called 'couples' like it when it's the woman feasting her eyes on the naked male body.

I wonder how those midlife men with their flabby midlife bellies and floppy pornsick dicks respond to that idea  ;D

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Agreed Emerald! Totally Agreed!

qwerty2, whoever it was who originally hurt you must have done a real number. I feel sad for you. If this is how you treat people you don't know then I can only imagine what you must be like in person. I am so sorry that this is the most fun you will have all day, being disliked and behaving like a two year old with an attitude problem in a PA's partners forum. That is really sad. I really hope someday you can go get an actual life.

Hey Walt, back again huh? Can't you leave all of the people in this section alone? It's not cool to come on here and be an emotionally and morally insensitive prick to all of the partners of PAs in this forum. If you believe there is such a thing as moral porn, that's fine because you have the right. Just don't come be a drama/attention freak and try to get under people's skin

Omigosh! yeah bad advice to look at porn, better to look at nothing explicit for a long time, then erections come back normal. Yeah.

My advice, my dear; ask him, "do you want to stop the porn viewing?" or is it so exciting (etc)? Just ask him. If he really wants a change, I can help. It doesn't directly involve you. I can write it down here...a few paragraphs. Really!

Let me know.