pleasehelp452
New Member
I don?t know how I got here but I think I?ve fucked up my entire life. I?m 24 and I started masturbating in high school, used porn, and then alternated between porn and attractive Instagram pictures of people I know. It ended up progressing to masturbating daily starting when I was 21 after quitting on a couple different occasions, and it didn?t even feel like an urge by the time I quit a few weeks ago. It was more just a habit. This was all to deal with depression and somehow became normalized in my brain. I didn?t really have sex regularly until dating my current girlfriend, and we?ve been going out for 4 months. In my mind I always liked the sex with her, but didn?t feel the buzz other people describe. Reading this now I realize I?m a monster based on all of this. I would have to imagine having sex with other people to finish sometimes. I stopped masturbating a few weeks ago (end of Jan) and have flatlined, but I?m worried it?s not a flatline and I?ve just extinguished my sexuality and my libido for good, because it was definitely lower to begin with. Because I masturbated and fantasized to pictures of people I know I?m worried that in order to reset I need to completely pack up my life and move to a new place with no one I know, because otherwise isn?t seeing people I know count as a relapse if pictures and thoughts of them were my sexual content? I have an amazing girlfriend that I now understand I certainly don?t deserve and that I?ve completely betrayed, even though this was an issue long before then. I hate myself and am probably going to be borderline suicidal soon because of everyone I now realize I?ve hurt and disrespected. I don?t know where to even start and doubt I?ll ever be able to lead a normal life based on how I?ve fucked up my brain with all of this. I doubt I?ll ever get a boner again because of the memories of the people I have masturbated to being real people in my mind and forming all the connections in the sexual part of my brain. Please if anyone can help or has been through a similar situation and came out of flatline please help.