At the end of my rope

I'm 45. I have been using porn compulsively on and off since I was 12. I was sexually abused when I was 5, and that sort of "sexualized" me at that young age. I can go a few months, but it always ends up with me watching porn. I'm so tired. I am posting on here as a last ditch effort to find some reason to stop hating myself and maybe find some hope. Thank you for reading this.

Hi ProfessorT, I can only tell you're not alone.
Fortunately you've found this place. And you've found that there is a way out.
Keep trying. And keep writing.

Hi ProfessorT, and welcome to the forum. Hopefully here you can find the help and support that you need to finally beat this addiction (which you absolutely CAN do). My first recommendation to new members is always to have a look at this video by Gary Wilson on the science of porn addiction - the kinds of problems that pornography causes (that users often don't even realise) and also the science behind why it's so infernally hard to quit. This video was really helpful to me because it showed me that a) a lot of problems I had in my life for a long time (eg. anxiety) were connected to my porn use, and b) that I'm not a weakling or a failure because I find porn hard to give up. It's an addiction just like heroin or cocaine. In a way it's harder to quit than a sustance abuse addiction because we have the source of our addiction available in our pockets 24/7 free of charge. Quitting absolutely IS possible, but I really think getting yourself educated about the nature of porn addiction is a necessary first step.

What I'm saying is, there's no need to hate yourself because you're struggling so hard to quit porn and seem to keep on failing. "continued use despite negative consequences" is one of the key symptoms of all addictions. It's not a sign of weakness that it's hard to quit: EVERYONE finds it hard to quit! I think it's also not your fault that the addiction started in the first place. What happened to you when you were 5 years old obviously was not your fault, you had no control at all over what was done to you.

Can I recommend getting yourself to a psychotherapist and getting some help? There's no shame at all in accepting you need help. I finally bit the bullet and reached out for help to deal with my own social anxiety and shyness that was also a result of childhood trauma (psychological not sexual) and it was an incredible help to me, literally from the 1st session. It gave me hope of improvement where there wasn't any before. It's definitely worth looking into.

Since you are on this section of the forum, don't forget to read one of the pages at the top called "Hello Gentlemen. Now we begin". It's a must read in my opinion even though it's long. You could read only what William wrote. It has helped me a lot to understand how this addiction works.