Time to end this

Hi everyone.

I have made this account because I have decided once and for all it's time to put my porn addiction to death. It began in 1999 just before my 13th birthday, when just out of curiousity I went onto my parents computer and opened up Altavista (yes I'm old) to find pictures of boobs. I recently turned 34, and barely a day goes by when I don't wish I could go back in time and undo my decision that day.

Long story short, an addiction began that day that has more or less controlled my life non stop for the last 22 years. Any and all attempts to fight it were completely unsuccessful, and I was left feeling powerless and ashamed. What changed was in 2015 I found on Youtube the 'Your Brain on Porn' video by Gary Wilson. It absolutely blew me away to understand the science of why porn was so infernally hard to quit, and it was also shocking to me to discover all of the incredible harm porn causes to people who use it. I have had significant social anxiety (which has hindered my career and social life) and low-level depression (just a 'meh' view of life) for as long as I can remember...and was shocked to discover that both of these things are a symptom of porn use! I fought even harder to end my addiction, and armed with the new resources I was able to make at least some progress; my porn usage has dropped from several times a day to several times a week, and the length of each session has dropped considerably too. For me this was a monumental achievement, but its not enough. Pornography is poison, I don't want it less I want it gone.

So, that's why I'm here now. I figured I had to change something if I wanted to take that final step in killing my addiction once and for all. I want to see what life looks like without this disgusting habit holding me down, and I think that this is the time that I am finally going to see that happen. I am sad that I wasted the best years of my life on life-destroying garbage, but I'm not going to let that stop me from being the best I can be in the future.

Hi Cake,

Welcome!  A lot of what you said resonated with me, and will with many others.  One thing I want to correct you on, you have NOT wasted the best years of your life.  Your best years are coming now, as you're leaving behind this old version of your life.  So don't be sad (easier said than done, but it's true!).

That is a phenomenal achievement.  Shorter sessions, and not doing it everyday anymore?  You've put together a nice start already!  Congratulations on that!

I look forward to hearing more from you.  You're making good decisions for yourself though, it gets better and easier.  Stay strong!

Hello cakecrocodileshrimp and welcome. Nice to have you on here. We all hate porn too. You will find yourself in great company.  Just remember don't loathe yourself loathe the porn

Hi cake,

I'm just two years older than you, so I guess we both started using porn during the same era being at about the same age. I have had issues too with social anxiety (well, to be honest they still occur from time to time but I have learnt how to deal with them in way that they don't affect me that much anymore). In my opinion guys having social anxiety you are more likely to develop porn addiction. I think it makes us even more vulnerable to that shit.

I can totally relate to you saying you "wasted your life", having the same ideas from time to time. But actually this thought is not very helpful. It doesn't move you forward. Also, it's unfair to think about you that way since then you just didn't know better and therefore couldn't act in a different way. You slipped into that addiction like me and many others.

From what you are writing I can tell that you have at least become aware of your issues and your addiction which is a huge step forward. There are lots of people who never come to realize their issues until someday they die without having ever lived to their full potential. So I hope you keep going and hope to read more from you

I wouldn't say you wasted those years. Those dark days with pornography have shaped your character, even if you can't tell. Now you're here helping us and want to be the best you can be and not just a mediocre porn user. You're preparing yourself to be a good husband down the road when you think about it, or a better one if you're already married. Maybe I'm too dramatic, but I guess that's how I see it. I read your story and felt like I was reading my own. 

Have you tried accountability software? I use Covenant Eyes. Really helpful if you want to block explicit material. It's a must for those who really want to kick the habit and are serious, especially for those who can't control their urges. I know some can look at porn for hours but can stop themselves and control the urge, whereas people like me will only look for 30 minutes or 45 minutes, but can't control the urge when it shows itself, making it hard to even begin their reboot. I suggest having an accountability partner who is close to you and you don't want to let them down, not a stranger on here who does not know you personally. Good luck!

cakecrocodileshrimp said:

So, that's why I'm here now. I figured I had to change something if I wanted to take that final step in killing my addiction once and for all. I want to see what life looks like without this disgusting habit holding me down, and I think that this is the time that I am finally going to see that happen. I am sad that I wasted the best years of my life on life-destroying garbage, but I'm not going to let that stop me from being the best I can be in the future.

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Amen brother. Do not be to hard on yourself, we are all waking up to similar realizations and experiences. I literally could have done so much more with my 20s, so many different job and school opportunities, nights I could have kept producing music and even woman who were interested that I didn't bother reciprocating. But its never too late to change, and it starts by holding ourselves accountable.

One of the hardest parts about this journey is that so many of us are suffering in silence. Like im going to go tell my friends and family I masterbated so much to hardcore porn that now I can barely have sex with my girlfriend? Absolutely not.. but we can hold ourselves to account by empathizing and understanding the struggle we are all going through. Making an account and engaging with others in the community is a great step, so is reducing consumption. Your so close man! Don't let the final straw be someone crying in front of you because your struggling to perform, or miss a promotion or a chance to do something you've dreamt about. Instead, use this time to build yourself so that when the occasion comes, you rise above it!

We are all in this together, I believe in you bud. 15 years of PMO and I probably had never gone more than 72 hours, even on family trips. Now I am approaching day 28, and I will never look back! I believe you can do this also.

PS - LOL at altavista man hahahaha, I used to use Earthlink

1 week clean today. So far the whole thing has been quite painless, which I can only attribute to coming here every day and reading all the things you guys are writing. I have done 7 days before a few times over the years, but after about day 4 it always felt like being trapped holding onto a thin branch in the middle of a raging river. This time I honestly haven't felt anything. I'm significantly more educated and committed to succeed at any cost than I was the previous million or so times I tried to quit though, so maybe that is helping to.

Anyways, onwards and upwards! See you again in another hopefully uneventful week.

Nice job! I have the same momentum as you at the moment. Been reading a lot of things to stay motivated and combat negative thinking. Stay sharp because you know as well as I do, those urges and thoughts creep up out of nowhere and when you least expect it and take hold of you.

Been very down and depressed the last 2 days. I understand this is a very common symptom of porn withdrawal so in that sense I'm not too worried about it (I understand it will pass), but my motivation to do anything has been quite low. My diet has been a bit crap yesterday and today because eating right and exercising takes concerted effort for me which I currently don't have a lot of.

Could somebody please remind me why I am doing this? Why I have chosen to give up pornography and what the benefits are if I stay on the path that I am on? I already know the answer to these questions but I think it will be helpful to hear them from someone else rather than just telling it to myself over and over.

Well, I'm guessing you're doing it for most of the same reasons I am. You're tired of the lack of self-control, the lack of confidence, treating women poorly, contributing to sex trafficking, taking pleasure at another's expense, possibly a lack of success with women, poor social skills, or that you want to be a good husband and father in the future or a better one now if that's the case. The list goes on, and I'm sure others will chime in.

Just reminding you has given me great courage cake, so thank you for your help. Stay strong, man. The reward will show itself in time. That's the problem; we are all impatient.

2 weeks in, going strong. My motivation is somewhat wavering, but it has helped me greatly to remember something I heard a professional strongman say once: "motivation is for weak people". People always ask him how he 'stays motivated' to go to the gym every day and his answer is that he doesn't - he just goes to the gym every day whether he feels motivated or not. That is a sentiment that I am taking with me on this journey. I am going to break free from this addiction every day, whether I feel motivated to or not.