New diary, new life

Hi everybody, I'm new here and I would like to share my story with you. I don't speak english very good so please forgive my grammatical errors.
I'm 33 and I use porn since I was 16 or 17. Like many of you it wasn't bad at the beginning, I wasn't good to date girls since I was too shy so porn was the "alternative".
It become a problem in a few and I started to use it in a more and more compulsive way. I watched everything, transexual porn included. Moving on things went worse, I met my first girlfriend, sex was hot on the first times but after I realized that I really didn't like her so I relapsed on porn. After some years I broke with my past girlfriend and met my future (ex) wife. She was the love of my life, but I despite this I never stopped to watch porn. I tried some times but I always relapsed. Now we are beaking up and I'm going trough an HOCD. It started because I don't feel the needing to date girls actually and I started to think about the shemale porn I watched. Trough the years I discovered webcams website and everything changed. It wasn't like a porn site where you can choose the kind of porn you prefer, you have females, couples, males and shemales so in my porn routine I started to watch females and couples (preferably with big breast) and some shemale to give me the hit of adrenaline.
Moreover during the last four years I cheated on my wife (I'm really ashamed about this) with some hookers. It was like the next step of porn and in the last months I started to think about transexual hookers but I never met one.
Now I would like to have control of my life back. I'm on the 25th day of porn free and I'm trying hard to understand how to heal myself.
It was very important to think the reason why I relapsed in the past and I started to recognize my feelings when I feel the urge.
I hope to move on and to hear from you

Hello and welcome to the club my friend and congratulation on taking a huge step towards your recovery by join this community.

I can relate to being shy and using porn since didn't have the nerves to chat to girls when I was very young. Starting at a young age really twists your mind and your morals causing a huge amount of cognitive dissonance. As you abstain you hopefully will be able to tell the difference between the voices/feelings inside of you and can make the right decisions.
I too had a big thing for transsexual porn and sex workers (female and transsexual).
I understand what you are going through. Did you ever stumble across sissy hypnos at all?

Have you spoke to your wife about your addiction at all? The damage may be done but if she has the full story their may still be a chance to repair some of the damage and rebuild trust.

For healing I would highly recommend practising mindfulness daily even if to start its only for a few minutes. Learn to be present and be in the moment.
If you got a trust friend or ally get them to help sort out blockers to your smart phone. If you haven't told anyone at all about your struggle pick someone and tell them. Talking about this really takes a lot of the power away from it.

I feel like maybe I am rambling now but I hope you are well.

Hi Chris thank you for your support, I really appreciate it!
What's this sissy hypno?

Me and my wife are beaking for many reasons, not only sex. I told her about my addiction 8 years ago, I promised to stop with porn but after I relapsed and I never told her again because I was too ashamed.

I'm planning to start mindfulness, actually is a bit difficult but in a week I should move to a new house so I hope I can be more constant in practice.

Now I'm chatting with two guys that I met online with my same problem and I'll follow the recovery plan from the book "no more mr.nice guy" that include to have more trusted friends to talk with

Its absolutely poison to the brain and best to completely steer clear. It is really messing up a lot of people. Its a real low point.

Its a shame the addiction and the shane that comes with it stopped you from being able to reach out to your partner.
It has denied you both fro. The emotional oxygen that you both needed to help your relationship.

Its good you found more people to chat with about this. Going it alone is a real struggle. You need people to hold you accountable.

Have you done any work on where your addiction stems from? History with stress or depression?

My god, I googled it and it is really weird

What you said about emotions sound interesting, I will think about it!
I'm glad I have found some people to talk about this. One of these guys today told me something important: you don't have to focus on stopping porn but on your life's improvement and having care of yourself. It's absolutely true!

About the shemale porn I think that it is something that started as a curiosity but suddenly goes out of control. At the same time I think that we have a sort of predisposition or tendency, otherwise every porn addicted should escalate to tranny porn. I don't know exactly what is it, maybe we have an homosexual part inside of us? Or it could be related to a low "masculine" character? I don't mean feminine but submissive and low assertive, you understand what I mean? I really don't know, those are just ideas and I would like to know what you think about.

My first month without porn is gone, today I am at day 30!!!

Actually I have a quite low libido but maybe it's due to my HOCD that deliver me a lot of anxiety and depressione.

Sometimes in the last few days I felt the urge to watch webcams but luckily I haven't relapsed.
My only "relapse" was to meet a masseuse for a massage with happy ending on the first days of january. It was a really stupid thing but since then I never met hookers or visited websites with ads of prostitutes.

I'm proud for this month but since my long porn usage over the years I think I will need many months to rewire properly.

Congratulations on reaching 30 days. It?s a very good start. Keep it up.