Starting to journal after nearly 3 weeks of NP

bludkla

New Member
Hi people, so I started out on my no porn journey just before new years eve and I've decided it's time I start journaling. A bit of background: I'm in my mid 30s and have been using P since my mid teens. I have had 10+ relationships in my life though my porn use has always felt intrusive and in some cases has been completely debilitating. A lot of the time I hooked up with women who I wasn't that into and I've been a bit of a prick/heartbreaker along the way - I often found it a huge relief when someone accepted me and then would realise the woman wasn't right for me. I think what this meant in my case was I needed to learn to be content on my own, to be self sufficient, rather than going into a relationship out of neediness. I am now in something of a complicated situation - I have a kid to an ex who I go to visit every few weeks and I have a long distance casual relationship with someone who I spent a few months with last year.

So how have the last 20 days been for me... I had some pretty dire low moods to begin with and really intense anxiety which gave way to hypochondria/health anxiety. But for now at least this has subsided and I feel much more confident, less paranoid, calmer and I am enjoying little things in life more, the anhedonia seems to be retreating. For example, just reading a novel or watching a film is really engaging. I also feel more decisive - I struggled massively with making decisions before but now I don't seem to agonise over them in the same way. I have also experienced a lot of shame and loneliness, realising how I have behaved towards certain other people, realising how shitty my behaviour has been. But I know I have to forgive myself these things, what's the in the past is in the past.

I have not, however, given up fapping completely and have done this 5 times in the last 3 weeks. I have not experienced outright flat-line and am not sure whether this is because I was never completely hijacked by porn (I have had very satisfying sexual relations with some of my partners) or because fapping is keeping it at bay. I have found it helpful to keep sexual tension at bay while dealing with the initial withdrawal symptoms from P but I now intend to do it maximum once a week if I spontaneously become aroused. I have read various accounts and it seems like there is no one size fits all approach. I think a combination of discipline but also judgement and intuition is called for.

Anyway, I guess at some point things are going to get tougher and so I thought keeping a journal would be wise - not many people seem to get through this alone. Thanks for reading and good luck to all of us!
 
Hi bludka,

Welcome to the forum. You are in roughly the same boat as me - mid 30s, began using porn in our teens. Porn certainly was debilitating to me as well, in fact I think it stopped me from having any relationships at all for a very long time, as it kept me from being able to relate properly to women at all.

Things like low moods, anxiety etc. are common withdrawal symptoms from porn. So, don't be worried by them, they are normal, harmless, and will pass in time (as you are starting to notice).

Obviously do what works for you, but I personally found that going without fapping full-stop was helpful to me, as I couldn't fap without porn fantasy, and also after I was finished fapping I found it made me sadder rather than happier. What I have found helpful with riding out cravings is understanding something of the science behind them ? they are my brain responding to a lack of a certain stimulus that it has been used to getting for decades now. They aren't a sign of weakness or failure, they are a purely physical process, a result of chemicals reacting in my brain, nothing more. I can't control when they come or go, but I am NOT required to act on them if I choose not to. And, like withdrawal symptoms, they WILL go away on their own with time.
 
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