Hi people, so I started out on my no porn journey just before new years eve and I've decided it's time I start journaling. A bit of background: I'm in my mid 30s and have been using P since my mid teens. I have had 10+ relationships in my life though my porn use has always felt intrusive and in some cases has been completely debilitating. A lot of the time I hooked up with women who I wasn't that into and I've been a bit of a prick/heartbreaker along the way - I often found it a huge relief when someone accepted me and then would realise the woman wasn't right for me. I think what this meant in my case was I needed to learn to be content on my own, to be self sufficient, rather than going into a relationship out of neediness. I am now in something of a complicated situation - I have a kid to an ex who I go to visit every few weeks and I have a long distance casual relationship with someone who I spent a few months with last year.
So how have the last 20 days been for me... I had some pretty dire low moods to begin with and really intense anxiety which gave way to hypochondria/health anxiety. But for now at least this has subsided and I feel much more confident, less paranoid, calmer and I am enjoying little things in life more, the anhedonia seems to be retreating. For example, just reading a novel or watching a film is really engaging. I also feel more decisive - I struggled massively with making decisions before but now I don't seem to agonise over them in the same way. I have also experienced a lot of shame and loneliness, realising how I have behaved towards certain other people, realising how shitty my behaviour has been. But I know I have to forgive myself these things, what's the in the past is in the past.
I have not, however, given up fapping completely and have done this 5 times in the last 3 weeks. I have not experienced outright flat-line and am not sure whether this is because I was never completely hijacked by porn (I have had very satisfying sexual relations with some of my partners) or because fapping is keeping it at bay. I have found it helpful to keep sexual tension at bay while dealing with the initial withdrawal symptoms from P but I now intend to do it maximum once a week if I spontaneously become aroused. I have read various accounts and it seems like there is no one size fits all approach. I think a combination of discipline but also judgement and intuition is called for.
Anyway, I guess at some point things are going to get tougher and so I thought keeping a journal would be wise - not many people seem to get through this alone. Thanks for reading and good luck to all of us!
So how have the last 20 days been for me... I had some pretty dire low moods to begin with and really intense anxiety which gave way to hypochondria/health anxiety. But for now at least this has subsided and I feel much more confident, less paranoid, calmer and I am enjoying little things in life more, the anhedonia seems to be retreating. For example, just reading a novel or watching a film is really engaging. I also feel more decisive - I struggled massively with making decisions before but now I don't seem to agonise over them in the same way. I have also experienced a lot of shame and loneliness, realising how I have behaved towards certain other people, realising how shitty my behaviour has been. But I know I have to forgive myself these things, what's the in the past is in the past.
I have not, however, given up fapping completely and have done this 5 times in the last 3 weeks. I have not experienced outright flat-line and am not sure whether this is because I was never completely hijacked by porn (I have had very satisfying sexual relations with some of my partners) or because fapping is keeping it at bay. I have found it helpful to keep sexual tension at bay while dealing with the initial withdrawal symptoms from P but I now intend to do it maximum once a week if I spontaneously become aroused. I have read various accounts and it seems like there is no one size fits all approach. I think a combination of discipline but also judgement and intuition is called for.
Anyway, I guess at some point things are going to get tougher and so I thought keeping a journal would be wise - not many people seem to get through this alone. Thanks for reading and good luck to all of us!