A Journal Will Help

Hey
I'm G. This is day 1 of my journal. It's day 70 without porn and I'm doing ok, but need to keep it up (no pun intended .
The journey to recovery started about 4 months ago. I'm in my 30s, married, 2 kids, but a compulsive masturbater. That's been the case from age 17. My sex life with my wife, while initially great, has for years now been less than ideal, and masturbation has increased (and no doubt contributed to keeping the sex life less than ideal!).
The porn was getting into weirder stuff, and I've known for ages it had control of me rather than the other way around. I've tried so many times to stop it, but always come back.
Then after an argument with my wife about sex, I suggested and she happily agreed to try therapy. And the therapist instantly said "we need to sort out your masturbation". So I'm seeing another therapist for just me, great person who is sorting me out.
The plan is:
1. No porn - no way, nothing allowed at all, it absolutely has to stop dead
2. Reduce masturbation to once a week, maybe twice if really necessary (because our feeling is that stopping completely isn't going to work for me, it will put too much pressure on my wife, and, heck, I'm only human
3. Get the sex life with my wife back to twice a week. Normal loving sex. Can be a quickie. Can be drawn out. But not the functional rubbish we would do once every 6 weeks prior to this, where we would just get each other off and that was it.

It's going ok so far. The sex life is gradually coming back. Lots more work to do, but we're talking, doing what the therapist suggests, and it's getting there. Maybe more on that in another journal entry.
I'm on day 70 with no porn, have waivered once or twice, looking at bikini clad models on google before shutting it down (and before it slips into something else). Using a porn blocker has helped a lot and I haven't made any real effort to look at porn.
But the one thing causing me trouble is the masturbation. At first when I was in the first week it was TOUGH just wanking once a week and having sex once too. But got through it. And it was great! I was more affectionate with my wife - more attentive. I put in more effort and didn't argue/sulk when I didn't get my way. It was awesome.

But lately I'm slipping back into wanking 5 times a week (less than the 15-25 it used to be a week), but I'm losing the attentiveness to my wife big time and NEED TO GET IT BACK. I'm feeling rejected when she says no to sex, when I should be cool, mature, and hope it comes around tomorrow (she likes it timetabled, which is fine by me, we have 2 young kids and leaving it up to spontaneity is tricky).  Anyway that's why I'm on this. To try and get back on track. It's so easy to wake up and get on with work and kids and not focus on the fact that no wanking is still important and I've got to get it down to once a week.

Anyway, thanks if you're reading this. I'll ty and write each day for 2 weeks in an effort to keep this front of mind and get myself back to wanking once a week. I've read lots of other accounts of how good the journals are. Fingers crossed

End of day 1 of the journal, bedtime and telling myself not to masturbate. Writing here makes it a bit more official.

Fingers crossed

All the best on your journey GK. Stay strong

Hi, G.

Wish you good luck. As simplistic as this sounds. Try not to stress too much about it.

I am finding that focusing on what I don't want. Like I must not watch P. I must not M. It is actually attracting that in my life. Like don't think about the big white elephant. What are you thinking about? The big white elephant.

So right now I am trying an approach where I acknowledge the problem but don't give more conscious thought to it than that. I am soft-ignoring the problem and moving towards something else. Will see.

We are all just trying to figure something out. All the best to you. Keep on walking.
EW

Thanks Earth walker and batman99. Not focusing on it is a great tip.

I find myself (right now) focusing on it way too much, so timely advice.

Today is day 3 of masturbation reduction. Yesterday my wife and I had some together time in bed which was good, although we realised too late that we didn't have a condom!! A handjob sufficed. So now I find myself convinced that I 'deserve' proper sex tonight. But that's ridiculous. My wife's being great and doesn't need that pressure. So I want to masturbate instead, and have been thinking about it all morning. But Earth walker is right - try not to think about it. My wife and I agreed on a completely satisfactory timetable of sex twice a week. And I'm just trying for 2 weeks to stick to it and not masturbate ( or at least not more than once a week if my wife finds herself not in the mood, or I'll or something). I'm on day 3 so once embedded it should get easier...I hope!

All good for now though, and better for writing it down here.

Cheers all

Day 4 of reduced masturbation (haven't masturbated yet) and when I wake in the morning my underwear is feeling very tight. Holding it together though.

This journey is highlighting a lot that I need to work on closeness with my wife just as much as stopping watching porn. Small moments of intimacy - a cuddle, an arm round the waist for a few seconds, are gaining in importance.

Had a good chat with my wife this morning. I wanted to get our next sex in the calendar so just brought it up as a point of admin, but she said sex seems to be talked about a lot at the mo, and its6getting to the point where it's going to annoy her. So we chatted and I realised I hadn't told her the whole point of this, for me at least - if I stop porn (and keep it stopped) and reduce masturbation (which I'm trying to get done) then I'll physically be much more able to maintain an erection and have normal sex with my wife. And I'll find that she turns me on more than if I was watching porn and seeing all these ridiculously proportioned actresses. And I do find that she turns me on more. Loads more.

So now the small moments of intimacy are more frequent, and better. I need to be super careful though. Very easy for an arm around the waist to turn into groping, and when she's in the middle of a job that's going to get me nowhere and will just annoy her. All my brownie points will get lost in a second. We've been together for almost 20 years and having been numbed by porn it's easy to forget how normal intimacy works, and that little touch or moment of affection does not have to lead to sexual touching. So basically my job today is to be attentive, without pawing at her. Easier said than done, when all I want to do is sexual touching every minute of every day, but writing about it is helping

Day 5 no masturbation
Day 74 no porn

Just been on insta and tiktok. Why on earth do I visit those sites? They get around my porn blocker is the reason, but while they don't have porn, they easily trigger the feelings. Deep breath. Write on here instead.

It's going well with my wife today. We had sex yesterday but it was my turn to give. Strangely I felt afterwards that the session wasn't that great and she wasn't that into it, but after chatting it over the next day she said she'd had an amazing time! The lesson is that it doesn't have to be all about me. She's an amazing woman and is going along with all brilliantly. Our sex life had been very slow, and she was kinda fine with that. Now because I'm rebooting it means more pressure on her to get physical, and bless her she's being pretty damn cool about everything. I forget that it doesn't have to be me finding ways to get her into bed so I can get off. The best is when it's about both of us obviously, just being in the moment together, but Instead it can be more about her and that's cool too. She deserves it.

Day 45 no masturbation
Day 115 no porn

I thought it was going ok, and having better sex with my wife. Lately though I've been getting closer to masturbation, and I really thought I was past that. Looking at glamour shots of models in underwear on the phone and pushing the boundaries of what I can look at. No porn though, as I've got a good blocker app, thank God. Also touching myself, but not to orgasm. All the old behaviours creeping back in, and I can feel the dopamine levels cranking up.

So basically I've got to nip this in the bud now tonight before I end up relapsing, and if I do it once I'll end up doing it 10 times in quick succession. So this is me owning up and telling myself off for very questionable behaviour, and let's get back on the straight and narrow.

Yeah masturbation makes you selfish I think. I am 34 and started masturbating as early as I can remember like 6 or 7 years old. Been doing it ever since at least once a day sometimes five.  I would pout like a child when my wife wouldn't go down on me. Trying to grow the hell up already. Since no p no fap (8 days) I have already noticed an improvement in our sex life(we don't have kids so that helps too).  But anyway learning to be less selfish can help us redirect attention to our families.

Hi GK,

I too struggle with frequent MO.  But man, 115 days with no P and 45 with no MO??  Dude, that's amazing!  I hope you remember to pat yourself on the back for that.  Truly impressive.

I do agree though, MO that frequently can make us selfish because it trains our body for instant gratification.  So when we take out the MO, the mind and body are still expecting the gratification.  And as we all know, when our addicts don't get what they want, they piss and moan like brats and push you until it gets what you want (in your case sounds like not enjoying the little things with your wife and seeking out sex).  Just laugh it off and try to do something else in the moment, or focus your attention as you said and enjoy those smaller, but just as intimate moments with your wife.

You're doing extremely well though!  Keep it up!

Day 55 no masturbation
Day 125 no porn

Thanks King Leer and Theheartachekid for your messages. Really hope you guys are doing well. It's good to know others are having the same experiences.

Yep MO is a selfish activity, and it's been my number 1 go to activity for years. Still find myself pushing the boundaries and having to pull back. The very little old habits creep in so gently that you don't even notice them. A little fantasising without touching yourself. Staying up later than your wife watching TV but then ending up on your phone. Looking at bikini pics...but then looking for the body type that was the mainstay of the old porn addiction. Abstinence from that stuff is super important for me. The little triggers would multiply. I've got to get away from the bikini pics.

You're right to give more appreciation to the smaller moments with my wife and family. They make me more positive and less likely to be down/bored and looking for a cheeky dopamine rush. God I also wish I could go out and play some golf! I'm not very sporty, nor great at golf, but I do enjoy it and that would help. But sadly the weather here is atrocious at this time of year and coronavirus has stopped all of that anyway. Will just have to find another toy in the box to play with. Long walks with nature may be my new thing. I see lots of people mentioning the benefits of nature and outdoors. Good luck guys

Congrats on those #'s 55 and 125 really inspiring to see. And I hope there are benefits pouring over into your real life.

Day 72 no masturbation
Day 142 no porn

Woah. Came very close to breaking just now. Looking at glamour photos and the beginnings of touching. Woah woah woah. Erection in seconds. Touching becomes stroking. Deep breath. Better now.

It's easy to explain it away and deny what you're doing
"I didn't orgasm", "it wasn't real porn", "the fantasy wasn't like how I used to do it". But it's knocking on the same door. Knocking pretty loudly.

This was the chaser after having (lovely) regular intercourse with my wife last night. Gotta watch out for the chaser.

Caught it just in time. And now for a well needed cold shower.

I have to say, writing in this blog always resets me, at least for a week or so. It's an important tool in the toolbox

Day 1 no glamour pics
Day 1 no edging
Day 82 no MO
Day 152 no PMO

Staying true to rebooting is tough and adding extra counters (see top of message) is going to help. I've been looking at glamour pics (the kind of thing that gets through porn blockers), and just a couple of times been stroking. It's easy to tell yourself that it's "not a big deall" and "there was no orgasm", but denying it forever isn't going to help.

So let's call it by its name - edging.

And edging can potentially go on for ages (!) and while there might not be an orgasm, the brain must be swimming in an Olympic sized pool of dopamine, just like back when porn featured heavily in life. And isn't the whole point of this to rewire the brain back to normality?

So here it stops.

Should the counters be reset to zero? Was it a relapse? I read a lot of journals to decide and the answers that struck a chord said  "the counters are only for you, not anyone else, not for writing here in a forum or journal. Only you know how you are doing in your porn free journey and only you know whether you relapsed against your own goals". Clearly no one wants to reset to zero, and it's a horrible tense position to be in. But keeping the PMO and MO counters is ok because they haven't been broken. The benefits are still being felt (big thanks to this website) and the world is completely different to how I saw it 6 months ago.

But to properly rewire means stopping edging. If anything, edging is the very worse thing after porn or masturbation. So new counters for no-edging and no-images are being added.

They are definitely going to be the hardest counters to keep, by far the easiest to break (especially looking at images) but giving it a name brings it out to the open, names it, shames it, and starts to control it.

Wish me luck

That's right. You understand how it works. Porn is just a button we push to give ourselves a dopamine high. This is what we are addicted to. We are addicted to this dopamine. Porn means seeing it, imagining it, fantasizing about it, flashbacks, pictures. Anytime you think/look at/watch porn you give yourself a dopamine high. Porn is a chameleon that disguises itself so we can't see it but we do. I don't like to stress myself out too much with counters and the question whether it's a relapse or not. I think what we need to do is avoid giving ourselves a dopamine high from porn which means avoiding to do anything stupid until the end of the day. Tomorrow is for tomorrow. If you happened to do anything stupid, try not to do it again until tomorrow. The least damage is better but not an invitation for "A little bit because it's less damage". Our goal is to never touch porn. I'm very passionate about telling people not to engage with hyper sexual thoughts created by porn a.k.a thinking about porn or "watching" flashbacks in your head. They get the dopamine going and it's hard to resist. It's this dopamine that complicate things because once it's set free, it becomes very difficult. All of us know that arousal surge we get when we see a flashback and all of us know how it feels to continue to follow that flashback. When it happens to me, it gets me a big surge of dopamine and I barely survive it if I'm lucky. Many times I wasn't. Hyper sexual thoughts can lead to watching porn just like that. Complete starvation of the addicted brain is the key. No dopamine from porn. It's the fastest, safest but the most brutal way. This is where people fail because it's brutal.

You are right in your comment escapeandnevercomeback.

It's not about counters really, which are easy to fixate on. It's about the dopamine. If a relapse happens, just try to do better tomorrow, and continue the dopamine reduction.

That's given me some good perspective. Many thanks