My Recovery Journal

worldlit4213

Active Member
Hi everyone! I'm 20 years old and I've been trying to overcome porn addiction for a year or so now and I've found reasonable success but haven't totally kicked it yet. My first encounter with pornography was when I was 10, and I was regularly watching pornography (PMO) since I was 12 or 13. After becoming a Christian I've decided to put up a real fight to stop watching pornography. I've found success hear and there, no PMO for a month or two, but it's still inconsistent with ups and downs. I found this forum through an interview Gabe did on YouTube with Matt Fradd so I decided to become a member to help me in my fight. So far I've been clean for 10 days, and a member here recommended I begin a recovery journal, so here I am! I'm excited and hopeful to find lasting, persistent success. I'm looking to get past the difficult first 3 months and recover.
 

zander13

Active Member
i think religion is a nice tool to help with addiction. i think addiction is just filling the void that a thing like religion usually does. life is so fucking mysterious that our subconscious minds don't really know how to make sense of it all. random death is a major, major fear that we, as humans, keep locked away in a vault in our minds. but it's there. we can get in a car wreck the minute we step out the door. a tree can flatten us in a rainstorm. cancer. COVID. you name it.

anyways, good luck man. the first three months are difficult, but there is no guarantee that three months is all that it will take. because you're young, you'll be doing pretty damn good at 90 days, but I wouldn't bank on that being the cure-all, just in case.

stick with it. I'm 29 and wish like holy hell that I was able to conquer this addiction when i was as young as you are now. your brain is much more malleable and willing to change. as you get older, it get's a little more stubborn.

 

worldlit4213

Active Member
DAY 11

Today was fairly easy. Had most of my day occupied with physical exercise, reading, and spending time with family with Thanksgiving. I'm starting to have those dreams where I PMO in the dream and wake up thankful that it was just a dream haha. I think its a sign that I'm going on the right track with rewiring my brain if its reacting like this.
 

worldlit4213

Active Member
DAY 12

Today was similar to yesterday. Not much temptation or struggle because I managed to keep the triggers from occurring and keep myself busy. Spent most of my day studying, reading, or otherwise being occupied. Using this recovery journal, even though I just started, gives me confidence because of the accountability and record-keeping. So far so good! Praying for myself and you all.
 

worldlit4213

Active Member
DAY 13

Today was fairly easy as well. Managed to get through while dealing with only a few triggers, nothing too crazy. Spent most of the day occupied with studying, reading, and watching some TV and boxing. I'm feeling great, keeping strong and looking forward to the next day.
 
Excellent stuff, 13 days is great! Are you flatlining?

Removing triggers is so important. I didn't realise how many associations my brain had with watching porn. One thing I did was rearrange my room as my brain had an association with watching porn in my old bedroom set up. Nothing major but it may help!

Keep pushing,

Michael
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
I love your story as I connect with it. It's great you're giving up porn this early. I hope to see more from you.

Keep pushing back!
Chris
 

worldlit4213

Active Member
DAY 14

Still going strong at the two-week mark. I've sort of managed to make a consistent daily routine that helps to fill up my time and keep me directed so triggers or sexual thoughts don't have a chance to creep in. Mostly consists of physical exercise, studying, some TV, Christian spiritual disciplines, and reading. However my Fall semester of university is ending in about a week, so my routine might change and I'll have to find different things to occupy my time in the absence of classes. Next semester starts late January, so its a nearly two-month window of less responsibilities.

I'm not sure if I'm flatlining as of yet. I still can easily muster up sexual desire or have sexual thoughts, and they do occasionally arise but I'm able to push them aside. And I don't feel particularly disengaged or tired, I actually feel pretty good and healthy. But I do feel as though it is now easier to avoid sexual thoughts and I don't have as strong ( or as frequent) an urge as I did in the initial week. Not sure if this is 'flatline' per se or just the recovery getting easier as the days go by. Perhaps my addiction wasn't nearly as bad as others. I've read that people spend several hours on pornography a day. I would PMO a few times a day on a daily basis and spend no longer than 15 minutes in total. I didn't have porn-induced erectile dysfunction (wasn't having sex anyway) or a loss of desire. I did have the "novelty" effect where my porn-viewing preferences escalate to find more dopamine hits. And - obviously - I couldn't willingly stop PMO'ing as I became enslaved to it. The longest I've gone without PMO since the age of 13 has been two months.

And yes I have actually changed my room before many times! It is weird how the brain works that way, and it does help!

Thank you all for your support!
 

worldlit4213

Active Member
DAY 15

Today was rather uneventful. Grinded through school, exercised, etc. (the daily routine). Almost no triggers or sexual thoughts. I may be the flatlining because I'm not really lusting at all. I still have energy, engagement, etc. I feel pretty good. And if this is flatlining, then I pray that it continues until I get married haha. No strong urges or persistent thoughts. All in all, easy & productive day.
 

worldlit4213

Active Member
DAY 16

Today was similar to yesterday. Only a few, weak urges here and there but nothing significant. A very similar day to yesterday in that it consisted of studying and schoolwork. I did have a bad mood for a few hours that kinda came out of nowhere. I was suddenly more irritable and frustrated, but managed to keep my emotions in control. Lasted for a few hours, was a bit of an anomaly, might've been related to withdrawal from porn. All in all, a successful day.
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
IT happens from time to time. Happened to me today. But mine was mainly because of tiredness and exhaustion. And I didn't respond to it.

But keep pushing, there would be good days and bad days. Learn from the bad ones and Make the good ones count!
 

worldlit4213

Active Member
DAY 17

Today was easy and uneventful as well. Exercised, studied, and read. I ate rather unhealthy today and it messed up my appetite. But didn't have any serious urges or triggers go off. Everything is going great, this has been one of the best streaks ever! Praying for my and your recovery!
 

worldlit4213

Active Member
DAY 18

Got through it fairly smoothly, just grinding through the final week of school and finishing exams and essays. Did have slightly stronger urges today, but I was cognizant of it and put it down quickly. I figured out how to keep sexual thoughts out of my mind by always keeping myself occupied with something productive and staying intentionally directed towards a goal on my to-do list. It has been great! This is one of the easiest streaks I've had thanks to this Reboot journal and all your guys' support. Thanks so much!
 

worldlit4213

Active Member
DAY 19

Today was grueling. I had only a handful of urges, not anything too great but they were stronger than before. I was tired and bored for much of today, with spikes of irritation and anger, and lacking enthusiasm to do my studies as the semester comes to a close. Just pushing through to get it done, but the boredom is a source of weakness for me that causes "triggers". Thankfully I am weary and conscious of it and try my best to solve the problem. I think my lack of enthusiasm and energy is because my lifting partner got COVID so I'm stuck waiting to go back to the gym in the mornings until he gets better. I'm still going strong and feeling good though and I expect to get back consistently in the gym next week which should help me even more.
 

worldlit4213

Active Member
DAY 20

Today was pretty rough. I had a sexual dream and woke up with urges and thoughts that lasted hours. I sadly MO'd, but didn't watch any pornography. I MO'd as a sort of last resort in order to avoid PMO and killing my urges, although I realize it's not great and a setback. Was tired and groggy today, likely because my sleep schedule is out of wack and I ate poorly (unhealthy junk food). After I MO'd I was pretty upset and disappointed, but was glad that at least I'm still 20 days without PMO. I went to the gym with a friend, did some chores, repented, and read Psalm 51 (Psalm 51 is a prayer of contrite repentance that is often used after stumbling in sin; it helps to get back up after falling down). I can see in retrospect how I set up myself up to MO by not being as disciplined with weight-lifting, sleeping, and eating. Thankfully I'm able to recognize that and make sure it doesn't happen again. Gonna try to stay more alert and attentive to watch my behavior when it begins to drift away. Still going on 20 days without PMO, but I also really want to never MO again either. I guess I have to take it one step at a time and do what I can. Prioritizing defeating PMO first, and MO along the way. I'm staying on my feet and looking forward to the next day!
 

worldlit4213

Active Member
DAY 21

Today was better. I did have increased urges (which for me, always follows after I MO), but managed to control them and put them away. Starting to build up momentum and optimism and get back into a roll. Fixing my sleep schedule and lifting regiment. Eating better as well. Trying to refocus and dedicate myself to spiritual disciplines again. Today consisted of spending time with good people at church and elsewhere, and schoolwork. Only a few days to finishing this semester!
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
I love your spirit. Keep focusing on what's important to clear doubts when the urges come.

Keep pushing back!
 

worldlit4213

Active Member
DAY 22 & 23

I couldn't post yesterday because in a unique turn of events, the power on my side of town was turned off from yesterday at 11:30 AM till today at 5:00 PM! I did have strong urges yesterday morning and afternoon when I was tired and bored (because of the lack of power), but ironically I couldn't look at P because I couldn't even access it without power! Thankfully it all went well and was an interesting experiment to try and enjoy my day without any electricity. Today was much easier with no urges that I could remember because I was busy the entire time. I exercised both days, did schoolwork, read, and spent time with friends. Today I had to visit my grandfather's house to use their internet for school and spent most of my day there. All in all, a great two days and I'm still trying my best in humility.
 

worldlit4213

Active Member
DAY 24

Today was uneventful. Had the now usual morning urges that are really annoying, but I've fixed my lifting regiment so the first thing I do in the morning is get ready to zip over to the gym (no time for urges). Finishing the semester tomorrow, looking forward to finally completing it. Not as worried about the winter break anymore, I'm gonna try to learn some piano with my time and focus on a paper I'm writing for an undergrad journal. In sum, things are going well.
 
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