Journals > Women

Help- Questions(17 year old girl here...)

(1/4) > >>

Questions:
Please, someone help!! :'(

I desperately want and need help...

I'm 17 and female, and the first time I saw porn I was 9/10. All I can say is that I wish that I never did, and I hate myself for it! It was an accident, I found a site online by accident, but after that it became intentional. It started with pictures, they progressed to becoming more explicit, and then I found videos. I would be on sites for hours, late at night, and it seemed like I couldnt stop. I felt dirty, ashamed, I had no one to talk to...I felt alone. The things I began to search for became increasingly graphic, and it got to a point where I thought that straight porn was too harsh, violent, demeaning towards the women involved...so I started to look at lesbian porn because it seemed more gentle and less violent. The thing is, I dont even like girls!! I looked at straight porn from time to time, but I began to look at lesbian porn more and more, and grew to even prefer it. Is that because my brain was becoming rewired to find what I was watching attractive? I was very young, about to begin puberty, so I guess my brain was still developing.

I was discovered maybe a year or two later by my oldest brother and mom, and I stopped on my own, due to the immense shame and guilt I felt. I lasted for a year(I was in 6th grade), before I started up again. I've been doing it on and off ever since, watching lesbian porn, straight porn(the straight porn that I began to watch was more romantic, more kissing, touching, things like that...and I prefer that wayyyy more to the lesbian porn, which I think I continued to watch because it was out of habit; familiar...) I've watched hentai(which is anime--kinda like cartoons--porn) and some creepy things that I would never like in real life, at all!! Its like when im turned on, and watching porn, I'll watch a lot of things that Im not normally attracted to...I feel like some sort of gross, disgusting pervert. I want to stop for myself, and I think of my bf, who I know wouldn't want me watching porn when im aroused instead of going to him...Should I tell him? Im afraid that if I tell him, he'll think that I like girls and might wanna leave me...or think that im weird and gross... :'( :'( :'( I've never wanted to be with girls, never wanted to kiss a girl or anything like that...so why do I like to watch that stuff?

I wanna stop cus I dont want the porn in my life anymore. I hate how it makes me feel afterwards, the guilt, the shame...I feel physically ill afterwards. I wanna hide, I feel so much shame that I dont want to talk to anyone afterwards because of what I'm hiding. I dont feel like me. I feel like im carrying this gross secret...and I am. I am I am I am!  :'( I also dont wanna turn to pixels on a screen when Im aroused. The feelings that I get when my bf holds and kisses me and gives me affection is a million times better than the feelings I get when I watch porn. When I watch porn, I only get feelings....down there. But when I feel his touch, I feel things in my WHOLE body...my heart, my mind, and yes down there, my everything, and its so much more fulfilling, and I just wanna stop! I haven't watched in a month, and I dont wanna watch it ever again!

The weird thing is, I've never masturbated a day in my life, not to porn, not when im aroused...never, but I still get turned on by things. Is that weird?

Im at the point when I watch porn, Im asking myself, why am I watching this? Why? Lesbian porn is becoming boring to me now, but I still watch it...porn in general is boring to me now, and I still watch it...I just wanna cry right now, and I have no one to turn to.

Thanks for reading...

Is there hope??

SO Reboot Partner:

--- Quote from: Questions on May 25, 2014, 10:13:33 AM ---Please, someone help!! :'(

I desperately want and need help...

I'm 17, and the first time I saw porn I was 9/10. All I can say is that I wish that I never did, and I hate myself for it! It was an accident, I found a site online by accident, but after that it became intentional. It started with pictures, they progressed to becoming more explicit, and then I found videos. I would be on sites for hours, late at night, and it seemed like I couldnt stop. I felt dirty, ashamed, I had no one to talk to...I felt alone. The things I began to search for became increasingly graphic, and it got to a point where I thought that straight porn was too harsh, violent, demeaning towards the women involved...so I started to look at lesbian porn because it seemed more gentle and less violent. The thing is, I dont even like girls!! I looked at straight porn from time to time, but I began to look at lesbian porn more and more, and grew to even prefer it. Is that because my brain was becoming rewired to find what I was watching attractive? I was very young, about to begin puberty, so I guess my brain was still developing.

I was discovered maybe a year or two later by my oldest brother and mom, and I stopped on my own, due to the immense shame and guilt I felt. I lasted for a year(I was in 6th grade), before I started up again. I've been doing it on and off ever since, watching lesbian porn, straight porn(the straight porn that I began to watch was more romantic, more kissing, touching, things like that...and I prefer that wayyyy more to the lesbian porn, which I think I continued to watch because it was out of habit; familiar...) I've watched hentai(which is anime--kinda like cartoons--porn) and some creepy things that I would never like in real life, at all!! Its like when im turned on, and watching porn, I'll watch a lot of things that Im not normally attracted to...I feel like some sort of gross, disgusting pervert. I want to stop for myself, and I think of my bf, who I know wouldn't want me watching porn when im aroused instead of going to him...Should I tell him? Im afraid that if I tell him, he'll think that I like girls and might wanna leave me...or think that im weird and gross... :'( :'( :'( I've never wanted to be with girls, never wanted to kiss a girl or anything like that...so why do I like to watch that stuff?

I wanna stop cus I dont want the porn in my life anymore. I hate how it makes me feel afterwards, the guilt, the shame...I feel physically ill afterwards. I wanna hide, I feel so much shame that I dont want to talk to anyone afterwards because of what I'm hiding. I dont feel like me. I feel like im carrying this gross secret...and I am. I am I am I am!  :'( I also dont wanna turn to pixels on a screen when Im aroused. The feelings that I get when my bf holds and kisses me and gives me affection is a million times better than the feelings I get when I watch porn. When I watch porn, I only get feelings....down there. But when I feel his touch, I feel things in my WHOLE body...my heart, my mind, and yes down there, my everything, and its so much more fulfilling, and I just wanna stop! I haven't watched in a month, and I dont wanna watch it ever again!

The weird thing is, I've never masturbated a day in my life, not to porn, not when im aroused...never, but I still get turned on by things. Is that weird?

Im at the point when I watch porn, Im asking myself, why am I watching this? Why? Lesbian porn is becoming boring to me now, but I still watch it...porn in general is boring to me now, and I still watch it...I just wanna cry right now, and I have no one to turn to.

Thanks for reading...

Is there hope??

--- End quote ---

I read your story and I see you have stopped doing what gives you shame already. I think if you want to start a journal in the appropriate section, it would help you immensely, since there are others with similar issues. I'm flagging your post so one of the moderators can move this for you.

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?board=4.0

Journaling can put you in contact with those in the same boat as it were. It can be immensely helpful.

Good luck on your journey.

lte:
You can definitely recover. You are in a good place to find help.

Wanttobebetter:
Hi Questions.  You could not have found a better place. The first step is to admit you are frightened (which you have) and the second step is to find help (you've found it!)
Slow down a bit and write about what is scaring you the most. What behavior or thought or emotion or physical/mental effect is creeping you out the most?
You are in a safe place now. Trust this place and the people here. Nothing you will say will be new to them. We're all in this together. Welcome home.
Now, please, start again...

Questions:
Thank you guys :) :)

Well, sometimes i find myself thinking, "What if I like girls??" And I freak the heck out, like seriously. What if I like girls and I dont even know it?  :'( I dont wanna be with girls...but still, what if its a subconscious thing? Or is it because my brain has become rewired to be turned on by lesbian porn?

Will I have this problem for the rest of my life?

Should I stay away from any sort of sexual activity with my bf?(We make out...a lot lol, but I wanna do more...)

I used to read erotica, and that would turn me on a lot, but I gotta remind myself that its not realistic...

And yes, my bf turns me on a lot lol...when I kiss him, or even think about kissing him, the most wonderful feeling just comes over me...its like this wave...it feels so good and just...beautiful(corny sounding, I know)

Im  so happy to have found this site! I wanna kick this problem once and for all, and im tired of failing!

My thing is, I can go a while without thinking about watching porn, but then I start to have these urges...I start to dream about it...then the urges become to strong that I give in. And I binge for days....what can I do to prevent that? Sometimes I watch when im bored, but most of the time im generally kinda horny and the urge becomes too strong and I dont know what to do..

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

Go to full version