Journals > Women

On the road to recovery, there are drivers, and there are passengers.

(1/8) > >>


This is my first journal entry. I posted in the forum for partners and families of rebooters about how my boyfriend has developed PE as a result of heavy porn use. That is kind of my backstory so I would recommend viewing that first. My entries will be long on average as I'm a writer and this is where I get my feelings out. I haven't talked to anyone but my bf about it because everyone else in my life knows him. So this will be my place to talk about it, with people who understand.

On the road to my boyfriend's recovery, I'm the passenger. This is a journey he's taking, but I'm right next to him along for the ride. And I hope it leads to where we need it to go, because we're leaving a sad place.

He agreed two nights ago to quit PMO and do a reboot. I'm thankful he's on board with this, and I will support him in whatever way he needs during this time. I told him I would give everything sexual up too if it helps him stay focused. We may have sex from time to time, but I told him I think it's best to keep it very few and very far between.

I suggested he check out YBOP, which he has, and he said that's exactly what's been going on and he's relieved it's a problem that can be solved. I felt that at first also, then I began to wonder, of it's really that ingrained in his brain, how prevalent this proclivity will continue to be post reboot. An alcoholic can't quit drinking for a while and then have a beer occasionally after rehab. That's not the way it works, I've seen people try to do that, to be the exception and fail.

I've also been feeling pretty heartbroken, for a while because I've known that something was wrong for months, and everytime I would ask him about it, he'd make me feel like I was crazy and that I was obsessed with sex. I'm not. But I did notice when things started to take a turn and I was feeling down on myself because I didn't know what was wrong and it seemed like he just wasn't as into me anymore and there was nothing I could do. Finding out about his addiction has been the answer to my intuition telling me something's been going on for a long time. But I've been feeling especially sad the past couple of days upon the shock of this realization.

A lot of it I think is that I analyze myself and my choices and despite loving him to pieces and being very willing to work with him on his reboot and our relationship, I'll find myself thinking things like, "You don't deserve this kind of BS in your life. Leave now," or "Way to go. You really know how to pick 'em." It's part of me just processing the resentment that has come with this. Why has porn done this to my relationship? I'm attractive, and I love sex, and everything was great, and how dare he? I know this is a destructive way of thinking and I've been trying to point my thoughts elsewhere. I really have.

The trust is what has taken the heaviest blow, and it's taken a chunk if my self worth with it. He has given me old porn he had lying around and told me to hide it, told me to hide all of our toys and sexually oriented stuff, even told me to take the tissues out of our room. I went into his computer yesterday and deleted porn and pics I found, plus bookmarks and history with Tumblr and other things he used to look at porn. He assured me he wasn't receiving email from them and he let me go into his email and sniff around, making sure everything was unsubscribed to, deleted, and trash emptied. His junk mail was FULL of porn stuff. I find this concerning because he claimed he didn't know where it was coming from, and if he ever gets desperate, he could prob just go into his junk mail and PMO. After the lying, it's hard for me to trust that he's going to really commit to this. It's the internet: if he really wants to glance at porn, he will.

Just nervous I guess. It's the first thing I think about when I wake up every morning. How committed is he to this? I suggested he start a journal and he kind of shrugged it off. I suggested he watch some of the videos and he hasn't yet. He seems to take this a lot less seriously than I do when it's his recovery, not mine. But I don't want to be this nag who is policing his life. Ugh. Stay tuned.

Sometimes, I'll pull way out of the situation and it's almost funny to me. Anyone else feel that way?? I'll think about the things my bf had been looking at and even getting off to and then my life feels a little like a tragic sitcom, where you're laughing but at the same time you feel so bad for the main character. I know hentai and futa porn are hugely popular, but when you think about it, what kind if a world are we living in where people get off more to CARTOONS than their SO?! Like I'm sorry I couldn't grow a dorsal fin for you or a tiger print fur coat and tail or tentacles... I guess I'll never understand. To me, it's interesting at the most from a purely artistic level. I'm not trying to be a jerk here, I know there must be people on here who were all about that stuff before rebooting and I'm not trying to trigger anything from anyone, I just don't see how that would get someone off and I'm constantly trying to make sense of it. I suppose it's just increased shock value, from what I've read.

You need to grieve everything you've lost.  Don't deny your feelings ever because it will make it impossible to get through them.  My husband and I had a very rough year but we did make it out the other side.  I made a commitment to myself however to express everything to him that I was feeling, as I was feeling it.  It was tough because he didn't want to listen, the guilt was too much but I had to get him to realize that I was the victim in this and I deserved to be heard.  I am a firm believer in getting emotions out on the table rather than bottling them up or "pretending everything is always fun fun fun"!!

I also found things to be ridiculous when I took a step back and sometimes laughing about it helped in a weird way.  My husband preferred masturbation to me!  awesome.  How the EFF did I end up here.  I am a beautiful vivacious woman with a high sex drive.  I have been told I could get any man I want by other men.  Why did I choose THIS?!!  In the end I realized it was about me and not putting myself first.  I also recognized my own messed up co-dependant behavior.  My husband had a video game addiction as well.

You are not alone :)

For me its like this never ending cycle. If you look at the five stages of grief, I keep cycling through stages 2, 3, and 4. Ive looked up many differnt sites on how to cope, and the best info I got was this..

(Partners often present with a set of symptoms that match symptoms similar to rape trauma syndrome (RTS) and complex post-traumatic-stress disorder (C-PTSD), including psycho-biological alterations, re-experiencing of the trauma, social and emotional constriction, constant triggering and reactivity, significant anxiety, emotional arousal and hyper-vigilance. Sex addiction-induced trauma is a highly specific type of trauma that involves nuanced symptoms that can include fear and panic of potential disease and contamination, fear of child safety and potential of child molestation, social isolation, embarrassment and shame and intense relational rupture and attachment injuries.)

so you are not going crazy with mixed emotions. Your reaction is normal and you need somewhere or someone to go to. If you want to read the whole study here is the site

Keep writing. Ive been writing everything down on paper as soon as I feel it and its been helpful. I told my SO where my notebook is and that he is free to read it whenever he wants. I do not want anything hidden in my life.


--- Quote from: Bibbity on May 01, 2014, 12:20:44 PM ---You need to grieve everything you've lost.  Don't deny your feelings ever because it will make it impossible to get through them.

My husband preferred masturbation to me!  awesome.  How the EFF did I end up here.  I am a beautiful vivacious woman with a high sex drive.  I have been told I could get any man I want by other men.

--- End quote ---

This has definitely felt like mourning the loss of a person in way; mourning the relationship I thought I had before I discovered this big secret of his. I told him the same thing, that I'm not trying to harp on him or make him feel worse than he already does, but he's known about this for years and I've just found out, and I feel so disillusioned. I've been letting myself cry when I need to, and I've been trying to work out more to channel my thoughts into something positive.

What you said also about laughing at the whole thing and being mad at him and yourself at the same time is EXACTLY how I feel! I've taken hold of this though and making sure he's takng this seriously. Thank you so much!


[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

Go to full version