Rebuilding My Brain

I'm 49 and have been compulsively masturbating ever since I can remember. When did I start? Six? Seven? Eight? I'm not sure. Pretty much on a daily basis. Many days two or three times. I don't think I've gone longer than a week since I was ten years old. Online video porn with high speed Internet set me completely over the top. I have been in recovery for addiction issues for almost three years, but now feel that I have merely replaced one set of addictions with another. Online porn feels like drug addiction to me. I have the same craving, sense of anticipation, crescendo of dopamine, come-down, apathy, and the cycle continues. 

I've been reading YBOP for years. I just discovered this community. I want to get out of this cycle, for the sake of myself, my wife and my kids.

Dear Clearhead:


Welcome to the forum.  My life history is almost the same as yours. Tooo... much masturbation for decades. Countless times. Many times more than 3 times a day. I am 52. I also have wife and kids.  I am also sick of this and want to stop anyway. The forum has been helping me very much. There are very nice people here trying to help, listen your story and to show their experiences and how it is (has been) also difficult for them. Join the club ! We all give support to each other and will be glad to give support to you as well. To help you be strong to stop M. We all have similar difficulties and targets to follow. Can I ask you to which other addictions you replaced ? Do you want to talk about this ?
You are among friends.
All the best for you.
Blue Bird.

Mostly weed, but throw in alcohol and other assorted drugs as well. I started these when I was young as well - in my early teens. Sometimes I feel like Rip Van Winkle waking up after a long slumber. Thanks for the welcome.

So here I am coming up on 24 hours, sitting in front of the computer. But I am here at RebootNation.org instead of one of the many free hardcore porn sites available today.

Why doesn't the government regulate hardcore pornography on the web? This seems like a no-brainer for politicians to take up. Now, the Web is like having Times Square from the eighties in the comfort of your own living room. It would be a fairly simple process to demand that hardcare porn all be filed under an XXX domain that would be easy to opt-out on a household and business level. Perhaps federal lawmakers believe that instantly accessible free hardcore porn creates a more docile populace, to ashamed to get angry about injustice or anything else for that matter.

Ninety days from now, on August 8, 2014, I plan to read your entry for that date in your journal. What do you think it will say?

I'm not looking that far in advance.

I've always used MO as a means of escape, since I was just a little kid, pre-puberty. I can't even remember when I started. I used to do it until I literally bled when I was 8 or 9 years old (I modified my technique to prevent this from happening as I got older).

I've always had difficulty dealing with life on life's terms. There has always been an undercurrent of anxiety, disappointment, fear and dread. PMO has been a temporary escape from this.

I have to wonder what all the jerking off has done to my prefrontal cortex. My dopamine receptors must be whittled down to nothing. It's a chicken or egg issue. Was my PFC underactive to begin with or did I make it that way with my compulsive MO behavior? 

I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and prescribed Adderall. This made me even more compulsively horny and more into PMO than ever. Combined with weed and alcohol, I went over the edge and ended up giving it all up. Except PMO.

I've never suffered from ED except when I was taking Adderall.

I wonder what life would be like for me without computers? I'm not watching porn, but I continue to surf the web compulsively. My ability to feel pleasure is barely existent. I feel numb and detached. I know that exercise will help me, but getting motivated is a real challenge.

This is the forty and up forum. How old are you?

49.

Clearhead..welcome my brother.Your tackling the hardest addiction on this planet.It will be brutal,tough,and sometimes even a debilitating ride,but like all the members will tell you,there is no way around this except for No MO or PMO. I can tell you from my own short rebooting process,that this has scrambled my mind into areas I never thought it would.To stay vigil with this,you have to have a support system and the mind set that you are going to break free of this.It will have its ups and downs ( more downs in the beginning),but from what I have heard ( because I am not that long into this system) you will start feeling better after awhile.I wish you luck my brother,and be well.

Clearhead:


I understood from your messages that you are addicted to surfing the web.  Have you thought about replacing it by reading paper magazine, books, watching movies, etc.  The web gives us instant return after a click.  We are addicted to this instant return and learned to reduce our patience since than.  If I dare say, I would invited you think about doing exercises to increase your patience. There are many matters which answers are not at the distance of a click and this can disappoint us or simply make us loose interest becauses the answer delays to come.  I have read some  articles about it and what the web is doing to a big population,  mainly our kids of today.  These are just some thoughts about web addition. Hope it clears some points for you.
Best regards.

Blue Bird

Grappler88, thanks for the welcome and the support. I attend AA meetings and the support from other people is what makes the program work for me. Blue Bird, thank you for your ideas. Yes, mindless, compulsive Web surfing has drug-like effects on the brain. It has to do with instant gratification and learning how to resist it as you describe. I appreciate your insights.

Clearhead said:

So here I am coming up on 24 hours, sitting in front of the computer. But I am here at RebootNation.org instead of one of the many free hardcore porn sites available today.

Why doesn't the government regulate hardcore pornography on the web? This seems like a no-brainer for politicians to take up. Now, the Web is like having Times Square from the eighties in the comfort of your own living room. It would be a fairly simple process to demand that hardcare porn all be filed under an XXX domain that would be easy to opt-out on a household and business level. Perhaps federal lawmakers believe that instantly accessible free hardcore porn creates a more docile populace, to ashamed to get angry about injustice or anything else for that matter.

Click to expand...

It wouldn't be a bad idea at all. Other countries have more strict guidelines with the internet use. But the hurdle is that most people are not hip to the fact that there are serous mental/physical health issues that can occur as a result of rapid access of porn that high speed internet provides.

I wonder if anyone has considered doing a community call on TalkShoe related to this topic? It would be interesting to talk out loud and share stories, and we could still be anonymous. It's a free service.  You can have more than a thousand people on at a time.

http://www.talkshoe.com

This sh#t is hard.

It is hard at the beginning. You are trying to change a habit of 25 years.  It gets better.  Hang in there and see it through.  It is worth it, you and your wife is worth it. 

Seems like day 3 is a hurdle for me. For me it's more of a 40 year habit, and I'm 49. I was compulsively choking the chicken from a very early age. It's all I've ever known.  I wish I could take a pill to eliminate all sexual desire for a period of time to give me a chance to reboot.

Clearhead said:

Seems like day 3 is a hurdle for me. For me it's more of a 40 year habit, and I'm 49. I was compulsively choking the chicken from a very early age. It's all I've ever known.  I wish I could take a pill to eliminate all sexual desire for a period of time to give me a chance to reboot.

Click to expand...

Remember what you've learned at YBOP. This is an addiction and breaking the cycle of addiction is real. The good news is that it gets easier as time passes. Get past two weeks and the addictive element has been greatly curtailed. There are still challenges, but they are not as great as they used to be.

Clearhead said:

Perhaps federal lawmakers believe that instantly accessible free hardcore porn creates a more docile populace, to ashamed to get angry about injustice or anything else for that matter.

Click to expand...

Probably true. Also probably true that many federal lawmakers are PMO addicts themselves, who don't want to place restrictions on the Internet porn that they look at all the time.

Censoring of porn never woks well because it boils down to endless arguments about what constitutes porn. Personally, I don't favor censorship as imposed by the government but I think it would be good if there were effective filters available from ISPs, preferably at little charge to the customer.

I'm not talking about censoring porn, just putting it all under an .XXX domain that would be easy to shut off before it even reaches the household.