Journal of never before revealed secrets

D

db1327

Guest
Hi.
New here and very glad to have found this community. I'm 57 years old and when I stumbled onto this site I knew immediately what I had to do. Quit porn immediately. Amazing how one can reach such an advanced age and not truly know wtf is going on.

I began my journey of awakening and masturbation (12yrs old?) in the usual way in the age of playboy magazines. Incredible thrills as I recall. Not really able to have much of a collection until around 18. From 18 on I always had a nice stack of mags to fantasize to. This was, of course, very secretive but looking back I'm sure everybody did it. No problems with erections if i was able to scare up a live encounter 4-5 times a year. (no gf until maybe 30). I would also rent vhs tapes from the adult store. Probably began that around age 25. With the tapes, it began to take longer and longer to achieve orgasm. Didn't really bother me at the time but it was indeed noticeable. GF came and went quickly. Porn/ masturbation continues until around age 40. Found a girl and decided to get married. Figured I'd dump the porn and switch to live sex. No prob, right? Wrong. Enter erectile difficulties. Wife, looking back, never was a trooper about it. Just made me feel worse by rolling over. Whatever. Computers came into our lives and I discovered online soft core. Awesome. Felt like heroin. Sex with wife was on life support. I recall feeling such Incredible guilt when I looked online at images. I was diagnosed with a depression. Prescribed SSRI antidepressant. Turns out it worked great for depression but caused my already delayed orgasm to delay further (like an hour or more). Ridiculous. Now I'm limpdick, can't come, wife doesn't understand. After 15 yrs sexless marriage we get divorced. Now I'm sitting at home alone with my computer for the past 3 years. Hours of porn surfing and taking hours to masturbate to orgasm. I need cialis to masturbate!!

Then I stumble onto this site. 2 weeks ago. I am porn free since Saturday March 29. I am also masturbation free and my plan was to go three months no orgasm. I had an alteration to the plan today when I gave in to urges and went to a massage parlor and got a happy ending. Oh well. I still feel the porn is gone forever and that is sooo liberating.

Thanks for listening. Cheers...
 
Jverhoye

Jverhoye

Active Member
Welcome db!  You are in a good place at this Forum.  There is lots of support and there are lots of guys who can relate to your experiences, myself included.  I'm looking forward to cheering on your progress. 
 
D

db1327

Guest
Thank you Jverhoye!! I appreciate the support. Been reading quite a few posts and comments and I feel so lucky to have found this site. Awareness is key, followed by action (or inaction, lol).
 
fcjl8

fcjl8

Active Member
Recovery from porn addiction is no magic pill but I will say it is life changing! It takes time and is not without some pain but is so worth it!

Welcome db1327! You have much to gain by dealing with this!
 
Tclay

Tclay

Active Member
Welcome db,
We all have similar stories.  There are a host of beneficial changes on-tap as you leave PMO in the rear view mirror so stick with it... Even if you don't bat 1000.  We are on your side.
 
somethingelse

somethingelse

Member
Good to have you here db1327. Congratulations on passing 2 weeks, that's awesome stuff. Keep living the dream, I hope this site will continue to benefit you, as it has with myself and others.

Be Well

SE
 
The Dude Wannabe

The Dude Wannabe

Member
db,
    Sounds like you've already admitted how addictive the porn is.  I was a big fan of porn and also used it thinking it was helping to limp my sex life along also.  Then I figured out that the porn was actually what was causing the problem!  So after many years and much drama I decided it was time to stop.  I was just going to stop porn as I felt masturbation was OK.  Apparently my brain felt otherwise.  After engaging in M I felt incredibly guilty and acquiesced to my brain by crossing M off the list too.  No sex unless it was with a real human in the spirit of intimacy and love.
    You might (I underline might because this is all highly dependent on you.  No one else's path is right for you; got to have your own.) consider going cold turkey.  You'll have successes and failures.  The only constant between all the guys here is to keep trying.  No matter how you fall off the wagon, build up your resolve and get back on.  It will get easier and after a while you'll be amazed at where you find yourself!
    We're here for you.  Blog and reach out when you need a hug or a kick in the backside! 
 
Viper

Viper

Well-Known Member
Welcome=
that is quite a story and I'm glad you have come to grips (no pun intended) with your problem.
We all have a story to tell and I encourage you to keep reading others while logging your chronicles.
 
D

db1327

Guest
I was doing good. I thought it would not be so hard. Almost 4 weeks no pmo. I thought I could take a peek at a dating site. No harm right? Just killing a little time. 90 minutes later my nervous system is on high alert. Sexual desire. I tell myself its too late, I have to give in now to get relief. So I do. I am weak. To be honest it was not even that good. Well I am back to square one. Hopefully a minor setback. Not feeling so great now.
 
Viper

Viper

Well-Known Member
db1327 said:
I was doing good. I thought it would not be so hard. Almost 4 weeks no pmo. I thought I could take a peek at a dating site. No harm right? Just killing a little time. 90 minutes later my nervous system is on high alert. Sexual desire. I tell myself its too late, I have to give in now to get relief. So I do. I am weak. To be honest it was not even that good. Well I am back to square one. Hopefully a minor setback. Not feeling so great now.
Click to expand...

Don't beat yourself up. The flesh is weak.
Just get back on the horse and keep going.
But this just illustrates what I've been posting on here for a while now.
Dating sites and facebook are lust builders.
I know we all want to date but there is a correlation between why you browse porn
and how you browse women online with dating sites.
No man is checking out likes and dislikes, hopes and dreams, or hobbies of these ladies.
It's pretty much sifting through pics looking for sexual compatibility.
Come across a few that gets you aroused and next thing you know, it's a trip to the
bathroom to do #3
 
T

TeeZee

Member
I've also noticed that dating websites can be a trigger, just the constant scanning of pictures, looking for someone attractive probably affects the brain in the same way looking at P websites does.
 
LTE

LTE

Administrator
Staff member
Admin
Moderator
I'm slightly older than you and also had a very long habit of porn and masturbation, over 43 years. I have a trail of broken relationships, two divorces, etc. But there's good news too, I have made incredible strides since December of 2012 and the information at Your Brain on Porn made a huge difference. If you haven't watched the videos there please consider doing so ASAP.

Anything the builds anticipation will work in a manner similar to porn. Dating sites, porn (be it soft or hard core) or anything else that excites you to anticipate, all of these things perpetuate the cycle. The good news is that you can break free and it gets easier with time. If I can do it, so can you, so no excuses about being too old. You might be a young whippersnapper of only 57 but I can still tan your hide. :)
 
Viper

Viper

Well-Known Member
TeeZee said:
I've also noticed that dating websites can be a trigger, just the constant scanning of pictures, looking for someone attractive probably affects the brain in the same way looking at P websites does.
Click to expand...


most definitely!
 
D

db1327

Guest
Hi guys. Thank you for your comments and support. I have been absent for the past couple weeks. Reason being I have been too embarrassed. I have been wailing away and completely off the program. I had the one relapse and then I rationalized I may as well have "one more" and then reboot. Well that didn't go so well. Straight back to pmo. I can't believe the power this stuff has over me. Anyways....I figured if I make a public declaration here i can put a halt to the skid. I am going to REBOOT. 90 days!
 
LTE

LTE

Administrator
Staff member
Admin
Moderator
db1327 said:
Hi guys. Thank you for your comments and support. I have been absent for the past couple weeks. Reason being I have been too embarrassed. I have been wailing away and completely off the program. I had the one relapse and then I rationalized I may as well have "one more" and then reboot. Well that didn't go so well. Straight back to pmo. I can't believe the power this stuff has over me. Anyways....I figured if I make a public declaration here i can put a halt to the skid. I am going to REBOOT. 90 days!
Click to expand...
Keep in mind that once more will never bring satisfaction. P&M can't bring satisfaction under any circumstance.
 
Tclay

Tclay

Active Member
DB

PMO can't satisfy.  By far most of us need a person to share intimacy with.  PMO is a lonely endeavor that brings a couple of seconds of satisfaction, but leaves us empty.

For me I had to decide if I wanted to stay on the lonely path or did I want my wife involved with my life.    We are making progress but that pull to PMO is still detectable.  If I remind myself that I'm making a choice between my wife or the lonely path, I can dodge the bullet.
 
LTE

LTE

Administrator
Staff member
Admin
Moderator
Tclay said:
DB

PMO can't satisfy.  By far most of us need a person to share intimacy with.  PMO is a lonely endeavor that brings a couple of seconds of satisfaction, but leaves us empty.

For me I had to decide if I wanted to stay on the lonely path or did I want my wife involved with my life.    We are making progress but that pull to PMO is still detectable.  If I remind myself that I'm making a choice between my wife or the lonely path, I can dodge the bullet.
Click to expand...
That's a good way to look at it.
 
SlaveToRighteousness

SlaveToRighteousness

Active Member
Tclay said:
DB

PMO can't satisfy.  By far most of us need a person to share intimacy with.  PMO is a lonely endeavor that brings a couple of seconds of satisfaction, but leaves us empty.

For me I had to decide if I wanted to stay on the lonely path or did I want my wife involved with my life.    We are making progress but that pull to PMO is still detectable.  If I remind myself that I'm making a choice between my wife or the lonely path, I can dodge the bullet.
Click to expand...

Couldn't have said it better myself. I realized at some point that the longing I felt inside me that I tried to fulfill through PMO and pining over women other than my wife was ultimately a desire for intimacy with one other human being, and I also realized that the one other human being that I could be intimate with was the very same one that I was already married to. The solution to my problem was lying in the bed next to me, while I had been spending all of my time looking elsewhere.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top