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Topics - aquarius25

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Success Stories / recovery is positively impacting our son
« on: October 05, 2020, 11:15:33 AM »
So I had posted a bit of this in my journal but I see this as a huge success and wanted to share it here as well for anyone who might appreciate this. It is a different kind of success but to me it is one of the biggest and most important!

My husband has been in recovery for over 4 yrs. He has full relapsed once and had hundreds of triggers that he has successfully battled through. He has put in some really hard work, endured difficult conversations, and has had many "come to Jesus" moments with himself through this process. He has also managed to work with me and we have both put in the difficult task of rebuilding this marriage into a good one and are going on 17 yrs together. That is not easy to do with this addiction. The real success is in who he is as a father and the impact he has had on our son.

Our son is in that awkward stage of 7th grade and will be a teenager come December. He is really starting to shift from boy to this grown man appearance. It is really great to talk to him and hear his thought and perspective on things. One thing he remarked on recently was my husbands porn addiction. We have chosen to be fairly honest with our kids and they do know about his addiction (not details but more general discussion). If he has a relapse one of the agreements is that he is honest with them as well. This adds a layer of accountability to the family as a whole and was something the kids requested. They want to be part of seeing him healthy and free of this too. They have both commented periodically how he is much more present as a dad now than he was before. Over the weekend my son made another observation and it just really made me so proud of him. He said that he can see how my husband shows appreciation and affection towards me more and he can see how it makes me happy and that makes him happy. He said that some kids at school were talking about pictures of girls (porn) and he said he wasn't interested in that at all. He said he has noticed the impact it has made on his dad and he doesn't want that in his life. He also said that the person his dad is now is the kind of person he wants to be, not the person he was before. I was brought to tears how much he has noticed and watched through these years and I can see how it has impacted his life. I am so proud of the man he is becoming.

Sorry to gush over this but I am just a really proud mama, lol. More so I am a proud wife. My husband still gets triggered from time to time. The relapse was really hard on all of us but, even when I am questioning everything, he is consistent about his recovery. He tried very hard to stay focused on the end goal (a healthy life) and I can see him achieving that more and more every day.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Covid quarantine and recovery
« on: May 07, 2020, 03:02:35 PM »
I saw a post in the main forum regarding this topic and thought I would start one here. How is quarantine effecting your recovery? Is it helping? Is it hurting? How so?

For myself in some ways it’s helpful because on one hand we have more time together. On the other our time together always has kids around. The stress if being a small biz owner add a lot to the tension and stress in the house. Then there is the fact that there is no real escape from each other. I mean we do get away from each other every once in a while but. We are together a lot. I sometimes feel like I am suffocating with this hurt and thoughts of his porn addiction. I feel like it’s important to be able to get out and enjoy each other too and with everything closed there isn’t much opportunity for a “date night”. We have tried to go on neighborhood walks together so that helps a bit bit we both feel a bit uncomfortable talking when all of our neighbors are around.
So that’s my experience. What’s yours?

How to handle when your spouse relapses? I have been mulling this over quite a bit. He has gone almost 4 years without porn or porn subs. I feel like the past 4 years has been nothing short of a psychopathic roller-coaster of emotion. A lot of hurt but also a lot of growth on both our parts. I feel like through this experience I have become a stronger person. I used to come on here almost every day or more and I received so much support. As I healed and worked through things I noticed I would come here not as much to receive support but more to offer support to others. As life got busier I just had less and less time and honestly I just felt good living life.

Fast forward to a few months ago. I noticed certain attitudes returning. Sex became less and less frequent and when it did occur it was not good. I noticed that my husband was becoming more and more focused on himself first. This attitude was in all areas of life but most obvious during sex. It was short and mostly him getting off and pretty much nothing else, no connection and frankly no fun. I tried to tell myself he was just stressed. All the regular excuses but honestly the reality is that I knew this behavior. This is the attitude of an addict. Why has this monster returned? Why would my husband throw away 4 years of progress? Why isn't he telling me. So I waited.

 Finally, after attempting sex and realizing that PIED has returned I hit a point. I just said he needed to be honest and that I felt like he was viewing porn. He first denied it. Then admitted to not viewing porn but a few porn subs but not masturbating to them. Then he said he had been masturbating but not at the same time as viewing the subs. Every time its like he admits to a little more but is still insisting that he hasn't looked at any porn. I am less than likely to believe him. Plus there is the PIED, lol.

 So how do partners process this? It feels like we are all the way back at square one and yet it feels so different. While on the one hand I can look and say "Look how far we have come! If we did it once we can do it again!". On the other I feel like I am not the depressed small person I was before. Do I really want to spend my life dealing with this shit? I deserve more that this shit! I don't want a repeat of the past 4 years. All the hurt and garbage, no way! He is not a terrible person. He is an ok father to our kids (I am not going to say he is stellar because frankly he is self centered) but he isn't naturally mean spirited at all. He is nice. We own a business together, we have a family. Is it really worth throwing in the towel? Is there really anything better out there? These are all the questions I feel running through my mind while I put on a good face and pretend to our customers and kids that everything is fine. When we are alone I just can't bring my self to even want to talk.  I feel less concerned with how he is doing and I am less interested in him as a person, and if I am going to be real honest I am not really even attracted to him right now. That may just be the emotion and hurt but that is where I am. Where do I go from here?

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Needing advise and perspective
« on: June 05, 2019, 11:37:56 AM »
Well I am feeling supper triggered. I feel like I am having a mental battle with my mind and my emotions. This morning my husband and I had a conversation about social media. He doesn't have Facebook or instagram or anything because they were a big part of his addiction. He was viewing our friends and masturbating to them while viewing porn at the same time. Ugg it was awful. Well here we are years down the road and we constantly run into issues with our business because he is missing events and things that are happening because there was  a facebook event made and that is what they are using to get the word out. So dumb because Facebook is so old and not a current platform but alas we are in the heartland now and everything is years behind, lol. Anyway, I am usually the one who has to tell him what is happening and I miss stuff. Well now there are some closed groups that he has been asked to lead and would be really beneficial for our business but they require him to have facebook. This has brought up so many emotions. He hasn't made an acc or anything yet we just had a short conversation about it this morning about how it might be needed. He said he actually likes life without it because in a lot of ways it is easier but our business needs him to be more up on what is going on.

Mentally I know he isn't viewing porn. I know he actually doesn't like social media. Heck he doesn't even come on here because he just wants to connect more on an individual basis with people. I know he texts a few men he met on here and that is more his speed. I know he has changed and would hope he wouldn't make the same mistakes as last time. We moved across the country and started over in big part due to his Facebook usage and the impact it had on relationships. I know and believe that he is not the same person and I do trust him....but.... why am I so emotional? Why is this a big deal. Why does even the thought of him having a facebook page make me want to cry and make my heart beast faster? I feel ridiculous and yet I know that these emotions are valid and telling me something. This probably sounds like a rambling rant but hey its honest.

Advise would be appreciated. I hate that after all this time it all still hurts. ugg

So we have this neighbor. Over the course of our friendship (my husband and I with him and his wife) we have started a bible study and prayer group and have connected. My husband shared about his porn addiction. My neighbor admitted he had the same struggle. He was 4 months clean, which is great! Then a few weeks later he slipped up again. My husband offered to be an accountability partners and he said that would be great but every time my husband reached out to check in he would say things like "yeah man, it's going fine". No real specifics. After some time had passed it became a topic that never really came up at all. His wife pretends like everything is fine but anytime the topic did come up, I could see the hurt and discomfort in her eyes. It really broke my heat, being the wife of a PA myself. I try to be encouraging and positive. I have a journal and I just write about my day. If it came up in conversation that day I usually write in my journal about it because I am noting my thoughts, feelings, and triggers regarding the situation. As I was reflecting on the last 1 1/2 years I noticed a pattern. He would slip up but have only encouraging words. Like I slipped up and PMO'd today but I am going to get back on the saddle again. I will not let this get me down, and so forth. I have always considered this good and I would always be in agreement but there doesn't seem to be a behavior change to follow the words. At some point the words just feel like words and I find myself more hesitant to be in agreement when there isn't action behind it.

Seeing this pattern me wondering where is the line between positive encouragement and enabling. His wife is still hurting and every time there is a slip up the trust gets eroded more and more. I have been curious about this and have been reading a ton of the journals on here and making notes as far as progress and slip ups and language and I am noticing a trend. When someone who slips up and only says positive things but doesn't really notate, analyze and take sock of the triggers that got them there and make a plan to try and set them up for success then they seem to have a much higher likely hood of relapse. Those that are very diligent about journaling, learning, digging into root causes and so forth seem to be more successful. I am not saying to shame yourself and I am not saying that positivity is bad but without action backing it up it seems to not be very helpful.

Of course this is just what I have been noticing, I could be way off base. I want to be encouraging to my neighbor but I also am not interested in saying words to only make him feel better if he isn't really ready to put in the hard work of consistency and change in daily behavior. Where is the line? Thoughts from others who are currently experiencing this same struggle?

Sorry for the long wordy post, lol.

I did post a bit about this in my journal but thought I would post here as well to hear other opinions about this. I am noticing things as my kids get older. The main things we have been dealing with is the fact that my 8 year old daughter is being tease for hairy legs. She is 8! Why do kids care how smooth or hairy an 8yr olds legs are? To me that is kind of sick. I don't understand. She holds her own and just tell them it's none of their business and that is how God made her. She is strong and doesn't let them see her pain, but it is still there. She has asked countless times to shave or even wax her legs. I have talk to her about all side of this but she said she doesn't care, she is tired of getting teased. It's both boys and girls that tease her too! She even gets comments at girl scouts!
Thoughts, advice, input would be greatly appreciated.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / letting go
« on: June 25, 2018, 08:10:24 AM »
I have been writing and thinking about a few things. I have been slowly forming a small group of support for women/ partners. My husband is been participating in a group for men and the leader is stepping down so he is taking of that group. I was reading though my journal and think about this process. I can see how forgiveness was so hard. It was like I couldn't let go, even when he was doing everything I asked and putting in so much effort. I  am in a much better place but I wanted to put the question out to all of you.

What was/is the biggest struggle that you deal with on your healing journey? What are the things that you have the most difficulty with and how has it impacted your life? What have you been doing to move past it? What has worked and what hasn't? Are you stuck now? Just wanted to see where other partners are at.

 So my daughter is 8. She is in such a hurry to grow up. I keep trying to encourage her to live in the moment but I know she just loves the idea of being a grown up, lol. I started "needing" to wear a bra when I was 9. She recently asked for a bra. She likes it because it makes her feel more adult but I finally had to have a talk with her about the purpose of a bra and it hit me just how much our culture has made women feel like objects. Bras are designed so that nipples don't stick out of clothes. Nipples are a distraction and cause men to think sexual thoughts so we women need to not allow them to sick out, ya know. Well as a cancer survivor I have done a lot of research. I run an increase risk of breast cancer because my cancer tested positive for estrogen. Bras decrease circulation and increase your risk of breast cancer, not to mention how uncomfortable they are. Plus they make your boobs more saggy, this has been proven. I started talking to my daughter about this and basically encouraged her to not wear one. It makes me sad that helping keep mens minds clear of the thought of nipples is more of a priority than the health and comfort of women. A lot of dress codes are designed so girls aren't a distraction to boys in class. Excuse me! Maybe boys need to have some self control! I am not encouraging girls to dress inappropriately but at some point we have told young girls that they aren't as important as young boys. I just don't agree with that. I am committed to raising my daughter to not feel she has to put aside her needs and comfort for a boy. She matters too! My parents overheard the conversation because they are visiting and the more they thought about it they ended up agreeing. Yes bras are for men. The level of objectification in our culture runs so deep we don't even question it. I know for centuries women have been a commodity but not now, not today.  It just makes me so sad. I actually feel uncomfortable and ashamed when I go out without a bra. God designed my body and I am feeling ashamed of it, so sad, and all because I am worried about being objectified my men. Ridiculous. I am going to work on this.

Sorry for the rant, lol. Any of you ladies experience this? Thoughts?

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / shame and vulnerability
« on: April 24, 2018, 01:12:18 PM »
So I have been noticing something for a bit and have been mulling over these questions for some time. Shame and vulnerability. I talk a lot with my husband and I connect from time to time with men on here. I have noticed how much shame we attach to conversations about sex. Then one day the thought occurred to me, "Is it shame or a fear of vulnerability?" Maybe it's not we are ashamed to talk about it but more we don't feel comfortable making ourselves vulnerable? I know our culture (in the states) doesn't encourage vulnerability. I feel that is sad. When you step out and open up in a manner that makes you vulnerable you allow for a deeper connection to occur. I talk to my husband and he says he doesn't feel shame but also doesn't feel comfortable initiating conversations about sex. He can with me but it is hard for him. If can participate in a discussion but he doesn't' want to be the one initiating the topic. Now i am not saying that we need to talk to our friends about sex all the time...that would be awkward, lol.  I am more thinking if we can bring this into more of a comfortable conversation and make it less taboo then maybe people wont isolate as much and when they need help and are hurting they could get help sooner. What are the thoughts of others on this? I am just trying to figure out how we as a community and try to shift culture to combat this problem. Seems like conversation is a good place to start.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / heads up ladies
« on: April 13, 2018, 01:01:36 PM »
I just received a ridiculously stupid but a bit graphic message from a new member, Nestor Thomas. If anyone else get one just ignore him. Some people really need to get a life. I find it incredible sad that sending stupid messages to women from this site is their form of entertainment but unfortunately their pathetic existence has amounted to that. SO anyway just wanting to give you ladies a head up so you aren't surprised if you receive anything like that.

Success Stories / partner success story
« on: March 21, 2018, 02:40:45 PM »
I know most of the success stories here are from porn addicts but I think it is good as a partner to share milestones and success too. Shows how relationship can heal and achieve success too.

My husband is just over a  year and a half porn free! I am in a year and a half of accepting this new life, understanding the heartbreak of being lied to repeatedly and we both are working on many areas of our own recovery. Two areas we have seen a lot of growth and success trust and sex.

I was thinking about it today and I realized I don't fear him to look at porn again. I am not saying this thinking he won't look. He is doing well but he is also human. MY success come in the fact that I trust he would tell me and I know that we will be able to work through that. I don't fear it breaking our relationship. I am trusting us more than I am fearing lies. For me that is really huge!

Sex, we finally can have sex! His ed has improved so much! For the most part when we want to we can. I know he still gets nervous and in his head but it doesn't impact things so much that it doesn't work out. Every once in a great while he may experience some ed again and when he does it isn't a huge deal. We are both fine. He doesn't beat himself up and I don't really care either. Instead I let him know how much I admire and appreciate just how far he has progressed. It takes the pressure off of everything. Our sex life is so much better than before D-day! Also big success.

So I wanted to start this thread so get thoughts and ideas on something. My parents are driving their motorhome out to visit and will be driving back home (across the country) at the end of May. My daughter is in a wedding in May. They are purposefully staying that long so they can drive our kiddos home with them for a visit. The kids would get to see the country (again,lol) and spend some time with all of the family and friends that they miss. Its a great opportunity. My husband and I won't be able to fly out and get them for about 1 1/2 months! I am super nervous about this. In addition to having never been away from my kids for that long it will also be the first time my husband and I will be kid free for more than a week in just over ten years. I honestly can't even imagine what that will be like. Still wondering what I was thinking agreeing to this, lol. I know it will be a great experience for the kids and it will probably be good for my husband and I as well. Just, the more I think about it the more nervous I get. Thoughts?

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / women's day
« on: March 09, 2018, 09:47:41 AM »
Well yesterday was women's day. I was really surprised by some of the things I saw on woman's day. I had numerous experiences where I observed women judging each other based on looks, clothing, ect.

My take away form all of these things, just a feeling I had was a lack of support from women. Why do women try to tear each other down? Why are we objectifying each other? We get it enough from men. I try to encourage and speak out about objectification when I see men do it, but honestly its hard to encourage change when we women are doing it to each other. I have even seen other girls size up my daughter in that manner and she is 8! She already has this awareness of how her looks matter. That is heartbreaking. There are a few girls in her girl scout troop who are chubby and already they are the smart/ strong ones. People have already stop calling them beautiful. Why? I would encourage us to build each other up! We should be building all people up, not tearing them down. There is no reason why it is necessary to tear anyone down.

This isn't towards any women here, more of a generalization and overall awareness that was occupying my mind yesterday and I wanted to share it. Thought I would run it by the people here to hear your take. I have decided my goal is to communicate positive affirming things in the people I encounter throughout my day for the next month. I wonder how that will impact my reality?

Porn Addiction / Looking for some help and suggestions to help my son
« on: February 28, 2018, 11:01:45 AM »
So I know this is a weird place to look for ideas and input but hey you never know, right? Lol. I try to be open-minded and I have found some pretty remarkable people here so I am asking for ideas and suggestions on how to help my son with a struggle that I am fearing will lead him down a destructive path.

My heart is feeling really heavy today. My son struggles with reading. It is really hard for him because he doesn't have that inner monologue in his head. You know when you read something you kinda hear the words in your head. His brain is missing a step in the sequence and he is missing that step. He has done a program to rewire (yep, just like men are doing here, lol ,it is just for reading though) and the new pathways are still really new. He is in 4 grade, we home school. His little sister reads so much better than him in second grade and that just makes it worse. He is brilliant and so smart but this is a big struggle for him. I have been working with him on this for sometime now. Well yesterday I heard him start to fill with shame. He is starting to say things like  he is stupid, not good enough, and dumb. He is filled with the feeling of shame and inadequacy, he feels small and helpless. As a result I can see how this attitude is hurting him from recovering. His progress is slowing and so is his self confidence.

This whole thing, the emotions he describes at 10, they are the same ones that fueled my husbands pron addiction. I know if he keeps this up he will isolate (he is already showing first signs of wanting to but I am too  involved to allow that, lol) and from isolation porn and all kinds of other destructive behavior is a step away. As my husband pulled back layer after layer of his root cause in his recovery (and continues to do so) a lot of it started with these same feelings at this very age. I feel like I am witnessing the very first moments that shame and these base root cause feelings first ignite and I am seeing them in my son.

We are trying to be as encouraging as we can. I affirm him in so many ways, showing him so many areas that he is amazing and inspiring to me and others. I put him in activities that he is good at and can build confidence from. He just hasn't really found some good friends here that he can connect with. As a result I fear that I am just the mom, harping all her mom garb on him. I am wondering what else I can do? He is so amazing and has the capacity for so much. It breaks my heart to seem him suffering and harboring these feelings.

So does anyone have any ideas? Think back to when you were a tween and these insecurities were just starting to form. What did you need in that moment? I would greatly appreciate any feedback. I know this isn't totally porn related but hey, it's this a root cause for so many men that has driven them to their addiction. I am hoping to help my son avoid all of that hurt.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / new year and looking ahead
« on: January 16, 2018, 12:43:55 PM »
I have been reading a lot, and writing in my journal a lot lately. The new year is always a time of reflection and setting goals, at least for me. One thing I noticed this year that felt different from past years, this year I really didn't do much reflecting, I feel like my mind has been so focused on what's is to come. I have been communicating well with my husband and we have been setting goals of where we want to be in the future. I am really seeing how this future focus is helping me work through my hurt. It doesn't consume as much as it used to. Anyway that is just where I am and what I am noticing. I wanted to start a conversation asking where you are? What things/ goals are you setting? What are you hoping for in this new year for your recovery? Thought it would be a good conversation, that's all.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / a letter to the partner of a PA advise
« on: December 14, 2017, 11:45:04 AM »
I have been in the works of organizing a group at our church for partners. A lot of work has been put into this. My church has done a lot to support as well. They have even ordered a bunch of books that I requested so that we could have them to work through together as well as resources for women who want to read on their own.  I have selected a time to meet on a weekly basis and childcare is going to be available for any ladies needing it. I have listed some places to put info about the group so that other women in the community can hear about it. I was thinking of leaving some sort of flyer at some counselling centres and various other places. I have been stumped on the wording of the flyer itself. Finally, I have decided to make postcards that written as a letter to the partner of a porn addict. I have thought about the emotions I went through when I first found out. All the emotions of anger, shame, hurt, sadness, feeling like it was all my fault, low self-esteem, ect. I wanted to reach out to you ladies and ask what would you say? This letter will be put in postcards and distributed around town with contact info to get time and place meetings. My church and a few others int he area are going to put it in their bulletin as well.

So if you ladies had to opportunity to say something to a partner who is maybe out there all alone what would you want to say? Seeking input and advise. Also, the letter is anonymous and the group is set up in an anonymous fashion as well, similar to 12 steps.

I am working on seeking support when I am feeling triggered rather than just trying to manage it on my own as t doesn't always work, lol. So I am coming on here and asking for support. I had a really weird experience this morning and just wanted some thoughts about how to process and handle this situation.

My daughter loves cats. She is a total animal lover and wants to help and save every helpless animal out there. I love that she has a big heart, she is 7 and her heart is huge. Anyway, she has taken in this stray cat. The cat seems to do fine with others cats so we decided to let her come inside and adopt her. We have no clue if she is spayed or not and the plan was after the move we would get her checked out. Well a week ago we moved from the apt to the house we had been restoring and she got out. She was gone for two days and we finally got her back. I called a vet and took her in right away. So this morning I went to the vet. I  homeschool so as always the kids came too. The vet came in and it was so awful!!! He proceeded to sternly lecture me on feeding stray cats and how that is hurting cats and is part of the problem. He said she could be pregnant and probably is and that we should abort and spay asap! I stepped in and hinted about thinking about it because I would like to have that conversation without my kids in the room. I am all for getting her spayed but this wasn't the place I wanted to explain those details to my kids. He then took it upon himself to get into a lot of detail about the process of cat sex! He even said it was violent and hurt the female cat (pointing to our cat). He used the term rape! Then went through the process of impregnation and egg fertilization, and the process of abortion in front of my 7 & 9 yr old. I tried to shift the conversation and asked how someone who loves cat could help the cat and he said don't help them and that we are killing them by helping them. My daughter was in tears, my son was pretty shaken too.

Later on the drive home, I kept running the experience in my head. I kept thinking about what I should have done and all the things I should have said. Why did I let him speak to me that way? Honestly, in that moment, I felt scared and helpless. He was very assertive in his language and the way he presented himself. It scared me that I allowed a man to talk to me and my kids that way. Of course, now my kids are asking questions about abortion and everything else. My son is asking about rape! Let me be clear. I do believe that these are a conversation we need to have but not like this. That man took it upon himself to decide that today is the day of education. I allowed him that control. I felt helpless when I should have stepped up and taken control of the situation. I am disappointed in myself. I am sad for my kids. It is a big mess.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / How are you handeling the holidays?
« on: December 05, 2017, 06:38:06 PM »
I just wanted to start a thread about the holidays. I know we are all in different places in our recoveries and the holidays can be great or very triggering. I just wanted to start a conversation about it. Where are at regarding the holidays? What support do you need?

For me, I am in a much better place this year. We are getting ready to fly home for a 3-week visit and I am sure when I am there I will experience a bit of a roller coaster of emotions. I am currently working on doing what I can to prepare for that as well as all of the other factors of craziness this time of year brings, lol.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / What does forgiveness look like?
« on: November 21, 2017, 08:58:51 PM »
I have been doing some journaling on forgiveness and really pondering what forgiveness looks like. I feel like my husband and I are in a good place overall. There are still areas where I can feel the hurt well up but they are slowing becoming fewer and fewer and the hurt has less power over me. I have some really great days and usually, from out of nowhere, I will have a day where my mind just can't move out of the awareness of the hurt. Today was one of those days. Thankfully, I was able to do my breathing and quick meditations through the day and I did not allow my day to be ruined by yesterdays sadness. That brings me to my question. What does forgiveness look like? Every time I think I am there and consistently doing well with everything I feel like I am smacked my a bad day. What does forgiveness look like long term? I am hoping that maybe the bad days continue to become fewer and further between? I am hoping for more connection and closeness to develop. I have lots of hopes. I can't be the only one, lol. What do others hope for? What is your long-term goal?

Porn Addiction / disclosure
« on: November 10, 2017, 11:11:57 AM »
This topic came up in a post I made in the partner's section seeking support. I thought it was an interesting topic and I can see that there are a lot of different perspectives on it so I thought I would give it it's own thread to discuss. I have posted this in the partner's forum but I also wanted to post here because I wanted both perspectives. I find it interesting to see how they differ and I have found it helpful for me to hear different perspectives when I am making decisions. I like to try and see all sides if I can.  Also if this is triggering at all please feel free to not continue reading as it is not my intention at all for it to be triggering. I genuinely am just wanting to hear thoughts and perspective.

Initially, the disclosure was regarding my husband use of Facebook as one part of his porn use. He was viewing images of my friends and women in town that he knew in addition to porn. I actually think this behaivor is more common than I initially realized which is another reason why I think it is good to discuss. This is the world we live in. The disclosure was in reference to whether or not I should disclose to my closer friends about his behaivor. Some women said that I should out of respect to them and our friendship.

Personally, I felt like it would just cause more trauma in my friendships. I did disclose to a few of them that he was struggling with porn addiction in general and I had a few not so great reactions. I did not disclose to any of them about this FB element. He no longer has a FB account just to be clear and he is very remorseful. But it opens the question.

What are your thoughts on this? Do you think that it is better to tell friends that are unaware that this has been going on? Would you want to know if the tables were turned? At what point does disclosure become damaging? I know that even part of 12 step programs there is a disclosure and making amends. How far does that reach? 

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / disclosure
« on: November 10, 2017, 10:24:29 AM »
This topic came up in my last post seeking support. I thought it was an interesting topic and I can see that we all have different perspectives on it so I thought I would give it it's own thread to discuss. I also know that we are all not going to agree but we can discuss and maybe some interesting and good conversation will bring about some different ideas. Also, I will say that if this topic is triggering in any way then in no way do you need to read. That is not my intention. I just saw it created conversation and thought to start this thread to give it room for discussion.

Initially, the disclosure was regarding my husband use of Facebook as one part of his porn use. He was viewing images of my friends and women in town that he knew in addition to porn. I actually think this behaivor is more common than I initially realized which is another reason why I think it is good to discuss. This is the world we live in. The disclosure was in reference to whether or not I should disclose to my closer friends about his behaivor. 

Personally, I felt like it would just cause more trauma in my friendships. I did disclose to a few of them that he was struggling with porn addiction in general and I had a few not so great reactions. I did not disclose to any of them about this FB element. He no longer has a FB account just to be clear and he is very remorseful. But it opens the question.

What are your thoughts on this? Do you think that it is better to tell friends that are unaware that this has been going on? Would you want to know if the tables were turned? At what point does disclosure become damaging?

So this might be kinda long and I am sorry for that, lol.

Most people on here know me and know that my husband and I recently moved across the country at part of our recovery. Part of my husbands "Porn" was FB and masturbating to my friends, like my real life everyday friends. This brought up so much insecurity and real difficulties in healing because we were living in a town of just under 10,000 people and every time I left the house I would end up bumping into at least one person my husband preferred to stick his dick too instead of having sex with me. It made the entire thing so much more personal. Plus, it made it tricky because the people I would normally go to for support I felt I couldn't. I didn't want to have to tell them he was masturbating to them, that would greatly impact friendships. The entire thing is just a mess!

Anyway, we moved, it has been really great. I know I can't run away forever but it is nice to not have it in my face every day. It has really helped me process and get a hold on my emotions. So a few weeks back when one of our friends from back home said she was flying out and considering moving, I kinda freaked! IT was really hard and my husband was less than supportive. He said she was never part of his spank bank history but I have a  hard time believing it because she is just his type. He just didn't really check in or anything. It was hard but we worked it out, she left and I let it go.

Well, she is back again and really serious about this move. It looks like it is happening. We have never been super close friends and I have never told her about anything. It really isn't our dynamic. I feel like I can't run forever and maybe this is the time I need to work this out. I am struggling but trying. I have a hard time realizing that this is part of my husband history and that he would do something like this. Either way, it happened, I need to accepts it. Just as it is part of his history by me stay with him it becomes part of mine too. I am just struggling with how to process this. I have been doing breathing and other things to try and move out of my emotions, I am learning to sit with them and just feel them when I am in a safe place where I can just let go. I just thought maybe some of you might have a recommendation? Once again, my husband still hasn't even asked me if I am doing ok with everything. Instead, he has just been working like crazy and has been helping her set up apts to see houses. I feel like I just need to deal with this and just not sure how to. So I am reaching out and seeking support from you ladies. Thoughts?

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / How to make a change?
« on: September 25, 2017, 09:31:09 AM »
So I have been on here for a bit. Something that has always bothered me as a partner is the lack of integrity and honesty that a lot of PA's approach their recovery with. I feel like shame is a huge factor and there is something I guess I do and don't understand about that. I hear so many PA's say they are uncomfortable talking about their porn usage and addiction. Even some say that when they attend 12 step programs and that are supposed to be safe places they are still scared to talk about it. If porn use is so widely accepted as a  cultural norm why can't people talk about it? I think for a huge portion of addicts on this site, opening up and talking with a group would be pivotal in their recovery. Also, it would be one step in changing the conversation as a culture. More people need to talk about it, and the more that do the more it becomes ok to talk about it. On a recovery note the more you keep it a secret the more you are still stuck in shame. That is a huge driving factor in the addiction. It is like you are trying to lose weight, drinking a Slimfast and eating plate after plate of pasta! That will never be successful because it's just a band-aid on a war wound. It breaks my heart when I read people not wanting to come clean and opening up to someone about their addiction, especially when they have a family and they are stuck so deep in this shame. I am not just sad for their partners but I am sad for them because they really won't be able to fully heal and recover with all the shame.

I know this is probably a bit of a rant. I know the partner's section is probably not the best place to post this but I feel like in the main forum they aren't interested in hearing it. All they want to do is fix their limp dick. It is so frustrating to read. Especially when I think about the future for my kids. We have to change the conversation. We just have to if we want the next generation or the one after to have some hope of a better life than this. For me personally, I will not give into shame. I will start talking more openly about this because it's not ok.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / forever changed?
« on: September 21, 2017, 07:13:52 AM »
This is something that I have been becoming really aware of lately since I have been trying to make new friends in the town we moved to. One thing I am realizing is that I don't relate to other women like I used to. I feel forever changed. In some ways for the good, some maybe not so good, either way, I am different. I am not the same. Do any of you ladies feel or experience this? I feel like when I am trying to build new friendships I have less patience for small talk of nonimportance. I am not really interested in acquaintances that we call "friends". I want real friends, soul sisters. I would rather have fewer friends and have them deep-rooted than a bunch of lukewarm friends. I feel like this experience has shown me that I need support. I need people I can count on, and people I can give support to as well. I don't care for fake, I want authentic and integrity. I am just beginning to realize how rare that is in this world. I have less and less care for the opinions of others. I find I am discovering who I really am and not wanting to pretend to be something I am not, not even for a second. I am really blown away by just how strong this feeling is. This is new to me. I have always been a pretty authentic person, just in the past, I think I was more tolerable of others who weren't. Now I just don't really want to be around people like that.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Boundries
« on: August 04, 2017, 07:22:57 AM »
In another thread on here, a few of us were encouraging a newcomer to set boundaries. I know I have mentioned it over the year quite a bit. As I reflect back to D-day and everything that was going through my mind a thought occurred to me. Back then, I am not sure I even knew how to set boundries and how to enforce them. I didn't know what boundries really were. I also felt like an idiot saying, "You need to have your phone on the table when you're home so I can see it". I felt like a controlling parent and not a wife. Honestly, I felt ridiculous, but it was still needed and his addiction was ridiculous too.

So in an effort to help some of the new comers and some of us who have been around for a bit too, lol, what boundries have you ladies, and men started. I thought it would be helpful to list some of them and why to give partners an idea what that boundries look like? Also PA's chime in on what boundries you may have set too! I know my husband had certain thing he did to allow for less chance of relapse. We found that some of my boundries were helpful to his success, like the cell phone example.

A boundry for me was no lying!- that was a deal breaker. If he relapsed we needed to talk about it. If I found out he did and was lying that was a deal breaker. The consequence was I move out and take the kids with me. We wouldn't divorce but we would legally separate. For me, that was the most important one.

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