My way towards the right me

This is my first post about my experience without porn. I am happy to start this experience and I am full of enthusiasm about this moment.

I have been trying to stop any porn for about three years and with many relapses and down moments. I have never found a way to completely leave this habit but I am now confident that eventually, it will work. That's why I have decided to share my experience and maybe interact with other people who are fighting their way back to a no-porn life.

Today, it is my third day without any porn and in reboot mode. I can't tell that it is easy. I think most difficult part is that I have not been at work for the three days and so I am quite tempted to relapse. But I don't do it because I can control it so far and I know that I am motivated to see, feel, the changes in my brain, body and life.

Porn has been a big part of the reasons why all my previous relationships ended. I am quite angry for that but I also understand that there is hope for me to succeed to clean my brain of this addiction and eventually have a good relationship which I will put myself in completely without thinking of porn.

Last time I saw this movie Don Jon, it really rang a bell in my head and I again realised that all my views about a relationship and a partner were wronged because of the mental pictures I had for many years in porn and other rubbish.

It is now more than twenty years that my brains is affected by porn. Too long! I am a little bit scared that it will never go off me.

Yet, I like to challenge myself and I will never let myself go without trying everything I can because I want to be the right me and live a better life, in control, and live a healthy life and relationship.

So let's do it and see what are the good stuff waiting for me

Yo,

Day 4 - I am feeling ok, no relapse. I have not been thinking of porn at all today but just focused on work and other stuff. I don't feel any kind of withdrawal effect.
Today, I read this post suggested by another blogger (thanks again ) and I found it really interesting since I have felt this way many times but I never realised that I was doing it.
http://yourbrainonporn.com/top-3-fatal-mistakes-rebooters-make
This first mistake, doing self-medication with porn, I think I have done it in every ways this person described it. It is very interesting how a simple pleasure can become a real burden other time. It is also really interesting to realise how this is close to smoking in a sense and I have been through both...

Let's move on and feel life and whatever sufferance and pleasure it brings.

Ok, I think I have one new (actually not so new) cue for relapsing, alcohol. I drank one glass and it feels like I am just relaxed enough to relapse. The good think is that I am aware of it so I will just enjoy this feeling of control

Day 5 - Good.
It is good to stay far to porn at all time and not let myself try to be tempted by curiosity.
Kind of tired but not be because of that.
Keeping up and looking forward to a clean me and better look at life.
Cheers

Day 6- Today is a real tough day and I was closed to give up surprisingly. I realise again that when strong emotional cues like boredom, stress, sadness, depression, then it is very tempting to just go for porn and medicate myself with it so that I don't feel the emotion again. I was so close that I even went to watch some stuff on internet until I was really convinced that I was doing something stupid and that it will never help me solve my real situation in my life. It is hard to think that it is not good to self-medicate myself this way when I am in this situation because I can't think that it is wrong to do it. The feeling of being in a tunnel, impossible to look or think of something else, is very strong and simply confuse all my perception.
The only solution I found it get a grip on myself and quickly change something in the situation that will give some time and other stimuli to let it pass.
Damn, it's only day 6 and already struggling. Well, let's move on see what comes next and stop relying on porn to avoid emotions and pain. That's growing up I suppose
Cheers

Well it's been a while I haven't posted anything because I was dealing with other stuffs. But meanwhile, I let myself go and used porn again. In those moments, i don't feel that's a big deal and it bothers me to feel this way because I know I have reasons not to continue this. I tend to forget it when i am cool and/or busy with my work. It's a weird feeling but I can't like the fact that I can't stop doing it for good and that bothers me really.
Anyway, I am not too sure how I am gonna do this since it never happened for more than a week or two. It seems that my whole motivation and reasons disappear after a few days. I will try to be more consistent with my post and look around for any signs of relapse.
By the time, I will also do more sports and rest more so I won't find myself in low energy level.

Cheers