Don't relapse man, it really is not worth it in any way, shape or form.
You've been at this place before and now is the time to make a really important choice when it actually matters.
First of all, you've actually come on here and asked for help because you fear slipping. That's a very good step you made to take care of yourself. That is powerful, so lot underestimate it. A lot of guys end up getting hit from "nowhere" with a relapse but you are here and making at difference when it really truly matters - before you do something stupid you'll regret. Good work.
And the good news keeps on coming. Because these feelings will pass and be better on the other side in a few days. You know this deep down but it can be tough for sure to handle the intensity of pressure that addiction puts on you. It might be that these feelings won't stop and keep coming back. But you still have control. It might take hours, it might take days but it will pass. And the best bit of all is that you don't have to do anything!!!
If you're having intrusive thoughts, I find it's best not to dwell on them but to distract yourself. Move your mind off sex and fantasy as soon as you realise you're thinking about it. I think about work or sailing or anything else. Hobbies are good I think. Like all habits, this works better the more you practice it.
It is not easy but then again, nothing worthwhile in life is.
Here is another gift for you:
https://m.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLtNtkzey8LLSyyumAN0L6DnVZvnrmuURu
Watch one then turn off your computer, leave your smartphone and go out for a walk or somewhere public for a few hours until your head clears. Or if these tactics are new then practice them more, write your journal, whatever you need.
Looking at porn always requires opportunity - if you can remove and control that, it can help a lot. Particularly avoid creating opportunities for you to be alone when you feel vulnerable. Sometimes it is unavoidable but often not.
Above all 110% just like with the fantasy, as soon as you're conscious of the thought clear it out of your mind. Do the same if you find your hand creeping in your pants to masturbate - just stop it. This is not forever - your addict will tell you it is - that fear of denial but it is just to help you get over the next few hours or days until you feel comfortable with yourself again and more in control. Then you go back to having a choice instead of feeling compelled or out of control.
Get on with your life and do interesting and exciting things that are zero related to being online or sex in the meantime. Keep those triggers and opportunities away.
I am so excited for you, you're doing great.
