Near relapse

i think im going to relapse. my biggest trigger is hate. i am just full of it, only of it. i never felt so much hate, annoyance and disapproving since my last try to reboot, thats how i managed to go this far. i realized it is the biggest trigger for me and i do not know how to get rid of it. i tried for couple of years, almost a decade without lasting success. when i figured out im a porn addict, i had high hopes that porn may be causing all of this. i dont think so, im clean for 2 months+ and i have been clean for 10+ months before that and i dont see ANY reduce in this department. i will rather start using drugs and die than start taking pills for my condition, so no way out of it that way. i really cant figure it out, it seem impossible. i have been given the wrong head.

i would prefer to drop dead instead of having to go through an evening like this ever again. any advice annoys the heck out of me, i dont know why i even tried to google it. i dont care a bit about not being able to have sex ever again. i dont care about any negative consequences of PMO. its definitely relapse time for me.

i can see how silly any advice on how to stay strong is. i thought im helping someone but in this situation nothing is helpful and its really just annoyance.

i wonder how i did 10 months first time. i had occasional sex and i started MO after 8 months so i kept my pipes empty i guess, it helped. first time i went without sex for few weeks i started to MO, lost erection again afterwards so girl didnt wanted to hang out anymore so i eventually relapsed. this hard mode combined with the despicable feeling that i have is no way to go. O is simply the way for me not to kill myself.

Numez try to remember what you feel like after PMO, not the rush but the feelings after. If you are like me you will at some point feel worse and more angry with yourself. Fight the urge think of something that does give you some happiness and do that. Go for a walk, go out for a snack at a favorite restaurant, go to a movie something has got to give you pleasure besides porn. Think of that and do it instead.
Don't think you aren't helping other people. I have appreciated your replies to my posts and all the others you have given on other posts.  I know that when I start feeling down or frustrated that leads me down the wrong path. Try to find something, I rediscovered the joys of art after many years. Maybe there is something you enjoyed before Porn(I know it feels like you have had porn forever) but try to think of something.

im exhausted. did many sessions in past few hours. im going to live more reckless from now on, cant control my shit anymore. my whole life im trying to control myself. it is not working. this is all bullshit. my problem is beyond porn. how i feel? just like before PMOs but less suicidal and without cravings.

silly advices, i given them hundreds of times i know them all.

I think your problems go way beyond P, I think you should seek for help.  :-\
Figuring your shit out before dealing with PMO maybe could help. Rebooting is already hard enough if P is your only problem, so I can't get close to imagine what you're going through.
Good luck bro.

seeking professional help is dumb. doctors are stupid they just over analyze everything and put you on pills. i dont need deeper hole, i need to get out or im done. im going to just be more myself from now on which means care less and act more. with my relapse i realized if its supposed to happen its going to happen. no way i could prevented this one. i learned something irrelevant to PMO that may help me not relapse again.

i regret and feel guilty about my relapse as much i regret the fact that it was rainy day 2 days ago. it is out of my control literally. i played my part good but it supposed to happen somehow for some reason. i have easy time dealing with it and i started this day being more myself.

now if i give advice, it will be from whole another point of view. i know see people differently. now its obvious that sometimes relapse is bound to happen. it does not mean we will fail but it is bound to happen for some of us, most of us, some of us many times. i failed in trying to make myself revisit YBOP (too annoying) but mentally i managed to remember everything, what is going on, all the reasons for quitting, how would i tomorrow feel if i relapse, how good it feels not to relapse in those clutch situations.. blah blah blah... i cant describe how silly, pointless and annoying those reasons are when the situation is tight. im readyt to die so who cares about erection and sex in the future. corpse cant fuck.

i hope you can fully be yourself, it helps. it also requires that you actually accept yourself and are not suicidal and raging against yourself.. i guess.. which is good too.

starting from day 1 again on the counter.

Hey, I don't know if anything that I say will change how you feel right now so I'm not even going to try. But all i'm going to tell you is that..hey, you gotta be able to find that motivation within yourself!!! I read some of your earlier posts when your reboot was a success. Compare to your posts now, even your whole personality has completely changed. The things you say sound cold and careless...like someone who has given up on life....you need to find a way to get out of this state you are in right now  before it gets worse. Remember, the deeper a whole you dig for yourself, the harder the climb is going to be!!

Sounds familiar?
"hello human and extraterrestrial beings. im kind of fucked up because my right mouse click is not working properly. i never thought that right mouse click will be more problematic than porn addiction during my reboot but its true. im over it.
...
i didnt got sidetracked but lets get back to the story: im disinterested in sex probably because of a flatline but i am very interested in socializing and approaching girls having good time with people and getting out of my comfort zone. thats my focus now, i totally dont care if i have erection or not. i totally lost urges too and im not so hyper sensitive to everything. i can finally watch tv without getting temptations when i see woman on the screen (fully clothed). everything, artificial & imaginative, used to turn me on and create cravings. ton of things are not triggers anymore and im glad, i can focus elsewhere and not fight with porn addiction.

im 60 days clean and tommorow will be 2 months! 2 milestones in 2 days, im killin it.

my advice, when it comes to dealing with porn addiction, is to be me. seriously though, consistent research on porn addiction is the key i think. in my case definitely is. studying addiction helped me debunk all the things i think i get from PMO. i figured out, there is nothing to gain from PMO so i lost interest in it and also i lost interest in how long it will take, how is my erection going on, if i woke up with morning wood and bla bla bla. i dont really care. all i know is that with time all will fall into place and im not going to waste that time waiting for everything to fall in place but will do other stuff while everything is automatically falling in its place.

maybe its worth mentioning that this is not my first streak of 2 months. i was 8 months MO and 10 months PMO free, then i had series of relapses (every 5-6 days or so) for 2 months, and now im 60 days clean (tomorrow will be 2 months!). relapses didnt set me back to square 1 as i didnt felt this good after 2 months first time.

good luck everyone enjoy your reboots."

Where does your hate come from? What are you angry about and why? Seeking professional help is not dumb. If you have issues that lie deep within you it could be helpful to actually seek a therapist and start working with it. A good professional would not medicate you they would listen and give you space to work through it.

There's a good post I read some time ago that really changed my perspective on relapses. Since then I try to keep it in mind when I fall back. Perhaps it could give you something. http://yourbrainonporn.com/top-3-fatal-mistakes-rebooters-make

take care

Keep strong Numez
You help a lot of people on here with your no nonsense straight talking replies to journal posts

Numez I think you are right.
Seeking professional help in this matter is waste of time and money.
And it can create adverse effects on your health.
these psychiatrist always put on pills.

Pills are short term solutions for any problem, but they make it worst always in longer terms.

I am glad, you have no plans for visiting doctor and wasting money.
this problem is emotional problem, we are treating our stress in life with sex and porn.

I will only advise doctor help in real drugs addictions like cocaine and heroin.

sex and porn addictions can be cured by oneself.

I am fighting this addiction from last 7 years.
I have not lost my hopes I am still fighting.
it is a very long war.

just like you, I am also in despair and confusion right now after relapsing 3 times in a day.

we always have choice to stand back again.
time always heal relapses.

just keep fighting.
sex is the instinct of human.
that's why porn and sex addictions are the hardest in world to cure.

no matter how much we do sex or how much we watch porn, we won't be ever satisfied.
this is just a myth my friend.

so get back on horse.

I am feeling better after replying to you.
glad you are trying again.

this is going to be my journal. im resetting counter again. i dont think im having grip on this anymore. nothing is working. all the research is backfiring at me. the more i know the worst i feel after relapse. this is my second day in a row, now it is starting to bother me. please no advices its annoying me really hard to hear any of that stuff anymore, im full of it. i just want to write my journal.

its funny how i go straight back to my regular material. there is no progression after any time of reboot. i already feel how im going to regret this. im already hating on myself without this PMO issues. thats why i relapsed. now i have more reasons to diss the shit out of me. will i ever fuck for gods sake. its been years since regular sex without having thought or two about ED. and now im having desire to go 3rd time today to suppress this crappy bs.

my last streak of 60+ days seemed to be working perfectly all day every day and it took me just one evening to blow up and start thinking about relapsing and doing it.

i finished some beats today and i played with my dogs in snow. i spent a lot of time today with my dogs and had a great day but i relapsed now, again. all my feeling good during day is caused by my relapse. brain is getting its dosage of PMO so it keeps me alright for now. i cant even enjoy good feelings knowing that.

Numez just remember you had a really good stretch there.  Try your best to snap out of the binging and pull your mental game together.  I think you're beating yourself up and it's fueling the binge.  You are still master of your destiny.  Dust yourself off and try again.  No failure in defeat - only failure if you stop trying.  Keep your chin up.

Nice to see you writing at least

Don't try to blame everything in your life on PMO, many people here does that. This forum and this way of living won't change your whole life. Just a small part of it, hopefully. We have other aspects of our lifes that we should focus on as well.

I think the way the nofap community stigmatize PMO is a problem. A PMO session is not the end and not a relapse. Just something you want to do less and less as time passes. I see it as the regular cheat meal that bodybuilders allow them from time to time. It doesn't improve you progress but it's what is necessary for the morale. OR something like that...

Regards,
G!

Hi Nunez, sorry to hear you are going through a tough time bro. Sorry also that you are so angry, I hope in time it will pass.

People like you with long streaks behind their names are leading the way for us less experienced folk. We are just starting out on the journey and you are way down the line (even tho you have relapsed). We would like to see that even if we can make it as far as you and we relapse, it wont be the end of the world and that we can pick ourselves up.

In essence what I am trying to say is that we all have hopes and dreams of beating this. And it is people like you that are exploring new found trials and stumbling blocks (pioneers in some ways?).

I root for you in a selfish way, because we all see ourselves in others here. C'mon you can do it - not for yourself but for all of us here battling against this. It may seem like turmoil now but peace and happiness will return.

Stay strong!

bro ive been against medication for years, but i had a melt down yesterday and i broke, i decided i will try anything to level my mood while i quit PMO and weed at the same time. I really screwed myself up bad over the weekend and i just dont want to freak out anymore. so the doc put me on anti depressants. ive never taken one of those before in my life, and truthfully thought people dont really need them. but now that i know this is a brain issue, then hell yeah give me something to help mellow out my endorphines. anyway not trying to put it onto you, its just something that i recently did and wanted to share.
stay at it!

i talked to friend today about PMO. he is really oblivious. he is a legend i really like that dude but he cant grasp it fully in what hole he might be. he didnt had sex in the last 2-3 years and he is watching porn almost every day. he is meeting new girl after long time so im curious to what will happen. it seems like he did not escalated much in taste so maybe he is good. my 2 years without sex and with daily PMO binging resulted in escalation to hardestcore stuff and complete PIED.

i watched ted bundy's last interview on youtube, 24h before he was executed and he warns people about porn use, how it can escalate. he say he grew up in normal family but porn can snatch any kid out of their household and turn them into a monster. btw he was a serial killer, 30+ girls raped and killed in 4 years. he didnt had high speed internet, i guess raping was his way to get bigger hit back then and killing is just to make sure he can stay free to get another dopamine shot. i recently noticed i had a big rush after killing a strip girl in a hitman video game. its a joke compared to doing anything in real life but it was quite intense rush. i never touched a girl in abusive way, i dont even argue with them if they are not my family member, but if i direct my rage outside and with continuous porn use and escalation i can understand this dude's point of view and the way he acted. especially back then in 70s they had much less clue about porn addiction so he had less chance to see what is going on.

i think im going to relapse again. i already saw 2 pics of strippers. i felt the need and the weakness to stop it. its very easy to relapse after relapse after relapse.

counter resettttt, i will remove it so i dont have to bother with it all the time.

all my sessions are under 2 minutes how you have patience to binge for hours looking for right scene. if i cant find something fast i get frustrated and finish off with the best i came up with by then. i guess i compensate with high number of Os during the day.

im not gonna come back here until i manage to go for a week without PMO and MO. this is pointless. i cant journal while in the middle of this day after day.

cya

Bro,

I read some of the other responses on here and it seems like there's not much good advice. I'm gonna try my best because I feel like we are in very similar situations. I just started again for the millionth time yesterday.

The real question here is how bad do you want to stop? Can you see yourself as free from porn? Can you imagine how you will be after you hit the 90 day mark and when the idea of porn arises in your mind, you merely scoff at it like a teenager would scorn his childhood play toys? If you haven't devoted some time into the pursuit of these visions, I highly recommend doing so first.

We are nothing but the consequences of our actions. The body is temporal, bound to the earth. However, the intangible spirit that drives the body is not. It directs seamlessly from one intent to the next.

These are some steps that helped me. I've been able to keep off serious week long binges and fapping multiple times a day because of it and I see that as improvement. I am now going for the 90 days and I want you there with me, my friend.
1.  Install K-9 internet security block on your home internet and Install security on all your devices.

Just do it. And when you install it, go to the list of restricted websites and type in EVERY porn site you know. All of them. I mean anything that even could lead to porn. This was a process for me. It took me a week just to make my K-9 strong enough to prevent me from browsing. I even blocked Facebook.
Another tip: if you have no one you can trust with this kind of this to make your password and keep it, make your password a long string of random numbers (more than 8 ) and write it down. drive that pass word to some remote area and bury it or something. Put it in the trunk of your car in a bible. Write it on the back of you favorite motivational poster (Mine is on the back of my poster of Bruce Lee). Never intend to use it.

2. Work Out
I don't know if you already are but it really helps me to focus all my negative energy into my body.

3. Self- Help
go to websites like "the Art of Charm" or "the Art of Manliness" and learn how to socialize and be a man.

Got lazy with the last two but honestly, these things help.

Lastly, remember that ANY improvement from the day before is a hundred thousand times better than no improvement or worsening.

Good luck, and be water, my friend.

Thenewbrucelee said:

be water, my friend.

Click to expand...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0EygqL--RW4

thank you for posting that numez. i didnt know what brucelee meant. i was also having a hard urge coming on. i was about to freak out, literally, cause the urges last for like a half hour.....this helped me. thank you.