I want a new life at age 40, it's not too late...

Hello all. I have a journal over at Your brain rebalanced but for some reason there is some server error and the board can not be accessed and well, I just need to journal. It keeps me on track. So even though I probably head over there, if it gets fixed, I hope I still am welcome here for journaling in the meantime. Perhaps I stay even if it get's fixed. Who knows

I have been rebooting since November 2012 and had many streaks going and also many many MANY relapses. Non of my streaks were really impressive in length. I think my longest no masturbation streak were arond 75 days and my longest no porn streak, when I was without internet, some four and a half months (about 130 days). Looking back at my four years I'd say my average is only about 20-30 days though. So yeah, I still struggle with this.

Relapsed this weekend again after a no masturbation and no porn streak of 55 days. That was my longest streak since the summer of 2016. Today is day one and I'm at it again. Determined to reboot  and get this shit our of my life.

Things I want to improve with the help of rebooting:

- Libido and erections. (I can have sex but I am nowere near full capacity)

- Anxiety  (mostly social but with some general anxiety aswell)

- Depression (comes and goes in strength)

- Focus and concentration  (I have a hard time focusing on a task for any length of time, some adhd action going there. Short time memory problems as well. All indicative of addiction)

MO Day 1

Morningwood 100%
Confidence 50%
Mood 50%
Anxiety 60%
General awesomeness 20%

What can I learn from my last relapse, this weekend? Well, perhaps not so much learn, this time,  but rather get reminded of something I had forgot. I knew this but somehow it escaped me and I neglected to work on my goals along with rebooting. So my focus shifted and I started operating in "abstaining only" mode. In other words moving away from bad stuff but neglected my goals so  my mindset of moving TOWARDS the good stuff was missing. Then, after a few weeks when the exitement of adding clean days in the bag started to fade and there was no other goals my entusiasm and determination got weaker and my depression grew stronger as I failed to see what the point to it all was.

Lesson learned! No more will I go at it without written down goals to aim at along side of the reboot. Something to work at WHILE I keep adding clen days in my bag.

Today is day 1 and as soon as I have posted this post I will write down my goals and put them on my refrigerator. A 90 day timespan as the first milestone to reach both with my goals and rebooting goal. Working in tandem.


I want to wish my rebooting brothers a nice and clean day. Stay strong!


Last time I used porn: 1.4.2017
Last time I used alcohol: 1.4.2017

To keep me inspired and motivated I wrote a little text for helping me in my journey.

The warrior!

It is in his darkest moments that he grows. It is not what he  does when things are going well that makes him. It is what he does when all hell is breaking loose that defines him. Every looser are able to feel sorry for themselves and truth be told, most loosers do. However, it takes a true warrior to, after he slips, look despair in the face, raise his head up, smile and keep on going.

Be that warrior!!!
Keep that head up!!!
Be that warrior!!!

Nothing gets better by self pity. The warrior keeps going no matter how the odds might be stacked against him, not because he is naive or foolish but, because it is his way of life. He keeps trying, fighting, pushing and grinding even  days where there is no motivation or ambition because that is just his way of life.

Be that warrior!!!
Do not just withstand the storm. BE the storm!!!
Be that warrior!!!

The warrior goes after what he wants no matter how scared he is or in what state of mind he is. He takes every criticism as a sign that he is doing something right and not just beeing comfortable along with the timid souls who dares not stand out and neither knows victory nor defeat. He knows that, even if he does not win every battle, he learns, hardens and grows and by walking the warriors journey: in the end, he shall be strong above and beyond this world. That! is what winning really is.

Be that warrior!!!
Walk the warriors journey!!!
Be that warrior!!!



-Marston S-

Wow MarstonS you are quite the writer ! That is probably a great skill to have when you want to journal. I myself lack those skills, only finished high school and probably wasn't good at it then either as you can tell from my posts and if it wasn't for spell check it would truly be awful. I am sorry to see your having problems with relapse, but happy to see you dont stop trying and I hope you never stop till you get it ! I am a recovered Cocaine addict and I had so many relapses but I just kept trying and I finally got what I was after and its been over 7 years clean and sober - I quit alcohol at the same time. A year and 3 months ago I quit Nicotine - had a 30+ year chew  addiction that i managed to quit with no relapses. That was tough, a lot of withdrawal
symptoms and lasted a while. I am on day 21 of pmo recovery and going strong so far and look to post like yours and many others here for inspiration, hope and support. Thanks for posting ! Have a great no PMO day !   

Hey, Marston!  Glad to hear you're still fighting strong...you WILL beat MO, I feel like I've beaten MO (and PMO) and as you know I've been fighting since 12/13 too.  It takes time to get your big win.

There's been an exodus from YBR over here, sucks that's it's down...but happy to see some familiar faces over here at RN.

- 40

MO Day 2

Morningwood 90%
Confidence 50%
Mood 50%
Anxiety 50%
General awesomeness 20%

Woke up from a panic attack this morning. I often do. However the panic attacks in the mornings stopped last reboot when I got to over 30 days so because of that I understand they are porn addiction brain related. If I only would have managed to stay clean! Well, no use beating myself up over the relapse and just try to do a better reboot this time.

The YBR site is still down. Makes me a bit irritated and I think I will continue journaling over here, even if it gets back up, since I kind of lose fate in that site. A bit sad that four years journaling suddenly is... just gone.



Abc, thanks for the kind words. English is not my language since it is not spoken in my country and I did not read it in school but I try my best. I think it is a very rich and good language.  You battled a few addictions I can see. I would bet that gives you a lot of knowledge and experiences that are useful in other areas you want to improve in your life. I wil follow your journal since I'm sure I can learn a lot from you.

40New30, Hey there old buddy. Indeed it sucks that YBR is down. It's been down for some 10 days now?...does not look pretty good. Thanks for the encouraging words. Much needed. You are one of those longtime rebooters who finally slayed the beast and became a VERY successful rebooter. People like you inspires and gives hope.


What am I grateful for today?

- The spring is here
- This new forum
- That we always get a another chance if we fuck up


Last time I used porn: 1.4.2017
Last time I used alcohol: 1.4.2017

Wow MarstonS , English is not even your language ! Thats very impressive ! Makes me feel like dumb ass ha ha ! I really like your take on life and you dont forget what your grateful for today! Sometimes we forget those things or take them for granted. I am just going to throw this out there, I am grateful Baseball season started today and that I am 22 days no PMO  I am glad to see you are staying strong and fighting a good fight ! Hang in there.

MO Day 3

Morningwood 00%
Confidence 60%
Mood 60%
Anxiety 40%
General awesomeness 20%


YBR has been down for quite some time now. I hope nothing bad has happened to underdog. I don't know him personally but over my rebooting years I have gotten the impression he's a fine and intelligent man. Hope all is well with him.

My back is fucked up. It happened in the gym yesterday and the irony of it all is I did not even use heavy weights like I use to. Was about to warm up my arms and just picked up a couple of small dumbles of the floor and then snap!! It can happen anytime anywhere.

Rebooting: I want to make this my best reboot streak yet. Have wasted too many f*cking years on this shit. There are a million things I can do in life and TWO things I can not do: fap and drink alcohol.



Abc, Hey man, you're no dumb ass! I think it may be because of me playing a musical instrument that my brain has developed an ability to, pretty easily, pick up nuances from different languages. We all have strengths and weaknesses. I often feel VERY inadequate when my friends starts talking about cars and how to fix broken stuff. I know NOTHING about stuff like that. Makes me feel very unmanly. I suck with any practical stuff...as an example.



What am I grateful for today?

- My back is fucked up but I'm grateful I have so many other bodyparts that are functioning perfectly well
- The future that I can make bright if I stay clean
- My anxiety, it will make me grow strong.


Last time I used porn: 1.4.2017
Last time I used alcohol: 1.4.2017

MarstonS. You are right about back injuries coming out of nowhere, last year I was at car wash and just bent over a little to look at the lower section of my truck and BAM something popped and I couldn't straighten up almost two weeks. Not prior damage but I have worked construction jobs when I was younger so who knows ? All good now. That makes sense about us all having different strong points, I am good with building and construction as well as cars and electronics. Well stay strong on the no porn and alcohol. I have a few things I can never do as well ! Everyday we dont use we get stronger ! Have a great day and I hope back gets feeling better.

No booze and no fap!  Stick with it, because it works for you. 

MO Day 4

Morningwood 70%
Confidence 70%
Mood 60%
Anxiety 30%
General awesomeness 25%

When I relapsed at day 55, last weekend I was in a very deep flatline. I had absolutely no brain-dick connection at all. Since relapsing the brain dick connection is back and my morningwoods are back. This is one of the twisted, and a bit dangerous, side to rebooting. It can fool us into thinking relapsing is not that bad and that actually abstaining is not healthy when infact flatlining is a part of the reboot we have to go through. That said I'm prepared to, after a few days, dive in to zero libido land once again. To be honest I hate beeing there because I feel so broken. Never the less it is interesting to follow the process.


Thanks for posting guys!  8)


What am I grateful for today?

-The sun
-This forum
-My workpace


Last time I used porn: 1.4.2017
Last time I used alcohol: 1.4.2017

Welcome aboard RBN and congratulations on so many partial successes and continued efforts to get & stay clean over recent years. For what it's worth, I think your approach of focusing on "clean world" goals as well as abstaining from P&M is absolutely the way forward. I relapsed recently, after a couple of years on the bright side of the street, and I believe that my relapse into porn only happened after my focus on life goals lapsed.

So here we both are - anxious, depressed, lacking libido, unable to maintain focus on anything for a meaningful period of time..... and fighting to stop things getting worse  . I wish you every strength and fortune in your fight, MarstonS. Stay strong!

After orgasms I lose my mind-dick connection and penile sensitivity goes down.  So, I'm still getting mini flatlines without relapsing to PMO/MO.

The first step in this whole process is getting the addiction under control, for me that step took about 4 years...I see other guys who've been at it for longer than that and still haven't made it to that point.

I'm not sure what the difference is between them and me other than the fact that my mind thinks -- I will just never PMO again...and yes, I still get triggered and have cravings; that will never go away completely.

Other guys gets clean for years and then later collapse and go back into the abyss.

It's not easy, none of us are above the shit.

MO Day 5

Morningwood 80%
Confidence 80%
Mood 60%
Anxiety 30%
General awesomeness 50%

My back is still fucked up.

Rebooting: The very sharp mood swings, indicative of withdrawals, made me snap at the foreman yesterday at work. I don't really mind because he was beeing a bit of an asshole to be honest so he had it coming. Had I been in a state of high anxiey/low confidence I would have just been submissive but when mood swings occure there can be emotions of all kinds: high confidense, irritability, anger, sadness, hoplessness, shame, guilt, agresison and so on....


woringprogressUK, Thank you so much for that warm welcome. Indeed this is a long walk with slips and relapses involved. I think they are part of it all. A necessary evil.

40New30,  You have reached that ultimate mindset where nothing else is possible than to stay clean. Even if urges arrive you handle them.


What am I grateful for today?

-The sun
-This forum
-My workpace


Last time I used porn: 1.4.2017
Last time I used alcohol: 1.4.2017

MarstonS said:

40New30,  You have reached that ultimate mindset where nothing else is possible than to stay clean. Even if urges arrive you handle them.

Click to expand...

Yes, but that's because I will never get cocky again and because I manage my stress the best I can.  If I lived a stressful lifestyle and thought I could never relapse again, I would be stuck in the same place forever.

I don't get drunk anymore (or very rarely), I manage my finances better, I eat very strict and clean (always, even weekends), I exercise regularly --  if I didn't do these things I would relapse.

When I get triggered I imagine the pain of relapse not the pleasure of PMO.  I literally feel the pain of the day after, the weeks of relapsing, the months of depression that will follow, migraine headaches, sleeping 12 hours a day...fuck that shit.  I'm done.

Sounds like a pretty perfect plan right there! Now remember to  stick to it...and keep rocking!

MO Day 6

Morningwood 90%
Confidence 80%
Mood 60%
Anxiety 30%
General awesomeness 50%

I don't think my last slip up set me back that far. I usually get set back longer after a relaps but the last one was just a slip on day 55 and I already feel like use to feel when I have gone over a month clean. It's important that we realize that, depending on the relaps/circumstanses, it doe not automatically have to mean that we are starting from scratch.


What am I grateful for today?

-good people in the world
-coffee
-That there are a million things I can do, in life, and only two things I can not do


Last time I used porn: 1.4.2017
Last time I used alcohol: 1.4.2017

There was this one time I slipped up a couple of years ago, and it was two slip ups in about a week period.  And I didn't feel any negative effects...I thought I was pretty close to healed and because I had been so 'good'.  My erections actually got better, libido increased, no bad mental problems.

I was really happy about it.

Then my lizard brain talked me into PMOing again....why not, just one more?

That third PMO session brought all of the negatives crashing down all around me, I can't say why that happened other than that third PMO wired up ALL those super highways again?  That would make sense.  I relapsed constantly for about the next 2 to 3 months.

I have a very healthy fear of relapses because I know where it leads for me.  I have a very severe addiction inside my brain from tons of wiring.

I just can't help it...I miss YBR, I am that kind of person. When I get attached to something I want it in my life. By the way, speaking of forums, dose anyone here know if there are any self development forums with journals that are focusing on goal setting and improving life over all, and not just addiction?

No offence to Gabe and all the fine members of this forum ofcourse

YBR is back on line!

UD is fine. Sends his deepest apologies, that he had been busy (away from the site and simply did not know it had gone down!).